Kkasxo, Shelbyville,

One last point I haven’t mentioned is that I have decluttered 80% of my possessions because so much reminds me of the last five years and I also have a theory that if the only thing I own is my Computer and clothing I may actually do more work as there’s less distractions.

My question is how, if you have, discarded the photographs or physical items your ex gifted you? I have made a five year scrapbook which was part of my grieving for the relationship but I have valentines/birthday cards alongside other items that he gifted me that are currently sat in a suitcase out of sight. I still have the photoframe that is full of photos of us (still wrapped up) that had been his christmas present under my bed!

– V

Morning Shelby,

“. If you last through no contact, the withdrawal starts to ease? I dunno.” – Yeah Im sure in time we will all look back and itll be hazy. I too have been overthinking about my ex but I broke the no contact rule which hasnt helped.

” I vary between being so pissed off at him for not knowing what he had, to questioning did he lie about how much he cared for me along. It’s a spinning web!” – thats what ive done this evening, I was ranting to my friend about my ex but I think im trying to find ways in which he was the bad guy to ease my guilt or make it easier to accept its over (which im still in denial about).

“going from 100% to nothing is cruel” – I believe this is his way of having healthy boundries, something I need to work on myself as I continuously allow people to disrespect me or walk all over me as it were then find myself in situations I dont want to be in just because I haven’t spoken out about where the line is with me. But I believe thats because I’m not sure where the line actually is as im a rather chill person and dont want to feel like im constructing walls around me that would mean a relationship would be full of rules, I want relationships to be freeing and spontaneous. idk, something to work on I suppose.

“believe this includes attending lectures, because it’s about your future, your career, your path to freedom in a way. What’s more important than that kind of self love?!” – Yes I agree with this, I lost sight of why I am doing what I am doing for the most of this week and this morning I awoke from a nightmare where I had a confronting argument with my ex which I had wanted to have but we never did because I felt like I was attacking him and trying to change him.

I have actually asked my friend if they would accompany me on a holiday so I will hopefully get to plan that and work towards it.Although I keep demonising people, I am struggling with trust. My mum will allow me to open up then use the info I told her against me so now if I open up to others about serious and personal matters I overthink they will use it to hurt me. Any tips on how I could control this?

I don’t think your ex lied to you, I think you varying in how you feel is a part of this really long process. Have you thought about going on any dating apps or sites? I know there was a short discussion about this a few pages back, I am thinking about going on one just for a bit of a confidence trust, even just friendship.

– V

Good morning both,

I too had a look at some dating websites a while back, after my friends advised me that it’ll be good to take my mind off things. Honestly, I logged on and off within the space of a few hours. It felt odd, I didn’t want to entertain conversations with these men, I wasn’t and am not ready, my heart still very much belongs to my ex so it felt like a pointless task. My ex on the other hand appears to have found it a useful distraction following our split, so who knows, sometimes it works other times it doesn’t.

Victoria, I think it’s a good idea to plan a holiday and get away for a little while. I did the same back in September and although it was difficult going away without him, I only have happy memories from that holiday. I say difficult because I recall sitting at the airport, my friend had gone to use the loo and for a moment I lost sight of the fact that I am with her and I sat there looking at thousands of faces walking by me and looking for my ex, it was strange, but I did it and got through it.

Boundaries – oh that dreaded word! But it makes all of the difference once you set them! I am practising boundaries with my ex heavy since the no contact began and I am trying to practice those in all aspects of my life right now. I acknowledge that right now I am a work in progress, I need peace and clarity to continue on my healing journey and anything that disrupts that peace I will put a firm boundary that cannot be crossed. It doesn’t mean that you have to be mean or harsh to people, it just means you’re putting your health and well being first and that is super important!

I’ve only just woken up not that long ago so I don’t feel anything as of yet.. let’s see how the rest of the day goes!

Shelby,

Yes it’s my rational self trying to justify the need for no contact – boundaries! It’s working so far so I’m going with it hehe.

I struggled with my sleep for the past three weeks or so also, I think it’s something that just passes. Although one of the days I made myself get up super early and it kind of brought my sleeping pattern back to normality, kind of. So maybe try that?

Bless you! The up and down is so exhausting isn’t it?! I’ve been checking up on my ex on social media but that’s about as far as it has gone today. I don’t feel too terrible yet.. although it could all change!

I hope you enjoy your weekend with your sister and hopefully it keeps your mind off things!

Shelby,
In terms of the dating website stuff last night I was feeling lonely because I knew my ex was out and I was just sitting in. At times I do find myself forgetting that I want to stay in, in fact theres so many things that come with not being in a relationship that I enjoy but the comfort of a relationship can haunt me some nights, especially when I used to skype him a lot on an evening.

I have an appointment booked for 1st Feb, I wanted to give myself some time to assess how I am doing and maybe for things to improve before I go and see a professional, I would like to go and be like I specifically would like to work on my anxiety which is getting in the way of socialising etc rather than just going along and venting about ten things at once (although i am sure that will happen regardless).

I think boundries with my mum will come in time, I do find that she does say generic things that are nice to hear which then make my brain go “oh she’s talking sense” but then I will replay the conversation and realise the tone at times is accusing or that actually when I got off the phone I spiralled into being unfocused and self-doubt. I have noticed recently that she is giving me directions that literally are telling me what to do, this may seem harmless but she is telling me things I already know and am doing, so instead of asking “hows studying going?” she is saying “when you have nothing else going on study”, now I understand that as a parent sometimes you may not be sure what to say but I don’t appreciate feeling like I am being told what to do like I am a child. Although i am aware my inner child could be coming out and being resentful of being told what to do etc so I could easily be overreacting.

I am going to write a do’s and don’t list before I pick up the phone next time, for example, keep it brief and dont give loads of detail away because the more detail I give I feel like I am almost giving my identity to someone to mould. I am unsure if that makes sense.

Today I had a lovely chat with a friend and a guy that has been a good friend to me over the past few years about going away to Spain. We don’t have a lot of money but our mental health definately needs it, it also gives me that extra motivation to apply to jobs when I don’t want to.

Many people are glad that we have 5 months out of the year as holiday from University but I find it ludicrious as I am now trying to build myself a temp solution for 5 months in a short time period. Again, I have enquired with my friend weather I could live with her. I am basically putting it out there because even if they decide they dont want to live with me at least they could possibly support me finding a place to live.

I have actually had a weird day, last night I dreamt about my first ever boyfriend which was strange and then I actually got some University work done which again instilled into me how productive I can be if I just get started with it. Yesterday I was rattled with guilt but today I got a lot off my chest and feel a bit more in control and put myself first. Its interesting I never saw doing uni work as self-love.

In terms of the twitch in your eye that could be due to concentration and staring at screens, do you where glasses?

How has your day been?

– V

Shelby,

spending time with your sister sounds so fun! Also I relate to being in a place where you and an ex where before, its strange because it feels so familiar yet a lifetime away.

Have an amazing time!

– V