Shelby,

Woah when you say it like that, it’s been 7 months since we originally split! :O I am in shock… I am sitting here thinking we are only at the beginning of the journey (probably because of all the times we tried to reconcile). Shocking! I have spent the last 7 months of my life absolutely sulking, hurting and going in no particular direction. That’s very very sad.

The thing that really annoyed me about the message he sent to my friend is 1.) Who do you think you are texting my friends our personal business? Although yes she knows but still! You shouldn’t bother others with your business! And 2.) he wrote her a long, heartfelt message about how much he misses me, how he knows he hurt me deeply and needs advice on how to proceed as he can’t seem to get through to me.. But he hasn’t once initiated such meaningful/ heartfelt communication with me? Yes he has text me, he has reached out but not at one point has he wrote to me a heartfelt long message, or even requested that we meet to talk so he can tell me all those things in person? So that’s really annoying.

I remember you mentioned that you wanted to leave your job last year. Any further thoughts on that? Have you had a look around to see what you might potentially be able to get into? It is important to look for a placement which opens up your opportunities to become more independent, living away from home, funding the travelling that you want to do eventually etc!

Victoria – Hey! I wouldn’t worry too much about trying to catch up with the conversation, SOOOO much has happened since you’ve been away! I think in a nutshell, Shelby is doing fantastic (though she may not see this yet ;)) and I am down in the gutter having walked away from my ex AGAIN! I found a quote yesterday that said ‘There is two types of tired, one where you require sleep and the other when you require peace’ and I really felt that. To keep you updated, I am on day 7 of absolutely no contact whatsoever with my ex and I am doing better than I thought – I say this with my full rational mind in play. Best to check on this again in the next couple of hours haha!

Thank you for providing some insight into how you’ve been dealing with anxiety. I have definitely done a load of reading into it too as yesterday was terrible! Thankfully, I am feeling better today, no heart palpitations, success!

Try not to worry too much about your ex, your living situation etc! Everything WILL fall into place. You really just have to make a conscious choice to change your life for the better. Whether it is taking up the placement you recently mentioned, moving away from him or your mother who you have mentioned before, you really have to do what’s best for your mental health right now. You sound a lot like me in the way that you are tired now. Exhausted from all of the up and down. This isn’t happy. This isn’t what happy is supposed to look like! I am counting down to the days when were all back here telling one another about how wonderful and blissfully happy our lives have become!

How are you ladies doing today?

Shelby,

You are indeed doing very well and although I am further in my journey than you (7 months) I feel miles behind because of the uncertainty, confusion and the up and down of it all! I suppose that’s all down to us ‘trying’ time and time again since the split so it’s like starting over every time. Both you and your ex have been quite good at no contact from the start though, although you had intense feelings of needing to contact him you managed to hold out most of the time which is incredible and I believe has made this easier for you in the long run. Definitely something that both me and my ex have a difficulty with, evidently..

He probably doesn’t know what to say because he knows that there isn’t much to say to make any of what is happening remotely okay. I am really evaluating every aspect of the relationship now and he knows that it is not just about forgiveness or moving forward anymore. He knows that I am analysing and essentially breaking apart everything that wasn’t working in the relationship to begin with and it is making me realise that the only reason I am holding on is because I love him, nothing else. He probably cant do the same because he isn’t the one who sacrificed three years of his life holding on to a relationship that ultimately wasn’t fulfilling his needs, I was. This scares him. He knows that if he could say/do anything to draw me back to him it would have to be everything that was missing; i.e building trust again, prioritising me and only me, seriously progressing in the relationship etc.

Some of my bits for the 1st of Feb should be arriving this week. I feel a slight ease knowing that our accommodation is booked and I am well prepared for the day weeks ahead meaning I do not have to worry about the small details. Although I am wondering now if it is a good idea to go with him as I concerned about the progress I’ve made so far.. However a lot can change until then so we’ll see closer to the time!

Haha I love that game! The most interesting thing in my life right now? I’ve decided to go home and make my famous lasagne this evening. I am beyond excited. How very sad? I still haven’t managed to workout this week despite my best efforts to convince myself that I need to I just can’t bring myself to it. I think I am tired, tired of functioning at the moment and just like you want to continue doing the bare minimum for now so I’m not going to force it for now. Next week though, back to it! No more moping about.

Haha I love that statue comment! Honestly, I can relate – my ex was very much like that at the start. Absolutely no sign of emotion, just rational mind on full blast. And yes it did make it a whole load easier to move on so you’re probably right in that sense!

Oo I’ve never tried gluten free pasta, does it taste any different? I’ve currently got the lasagne in the oven and I’m sitting down evaluation, over analysing again. Meh. He reached out AGAIN asking if he could take me out to eat. Oh how very poor of him. He could’ve at least come up with something more creative. Perhaps a location in which we could actually talk?! Seeing as that is what’s required right now! In any case I didn’t respond but I really want to now. I really just want to say GOD DAMN NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO IS GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU’VE HURT ME!!!!!

But at the same time I miss him terribly. I’m just pondering on the idea of do I really miss him as in him as a person or how he used to make me feel before all the hurt? It’s interesting.

I think we tend to run back to comfort and love encouraging environments, which I considered him to be before all of this. My rock. I just have to keep telling myself it isn’t that anymore/right now.

I often think about contacting him or agreeing to meet but really when I think deeply about it I actually haven’t got anything new to say to him, I’ve said everything that I needed to say already so it would be absolutely pointless. And I’m almost certain that he wouldn’t have much to say either. And even if he did it would just be his desperation talking, giving me promises that he will not be able to keep up to a few weeks down the line. So I continue, Day 9 of no communication.

Shelby,

It’s crazy how our minds fool us to believe something! My sister has been a vegan for the past 5 or so years and sometimes when she cooks for us I honestly think the food is delicious, but I wouldn’t actively go out of my way to cook myself a vegan meal! In fact, she’s been using those Quorn ‘chicken pieces’ in some of her meals and recently told me my mum had cooked, I assumed it was actual chicken and couldn’t tell the difference! It’s crazy!

You mentioned last week that you were feeling a bit distant, almost like you are an outsider to your situation standing there patiently watching but without any real feelings/emotion tied into it. Now you mention the feelings of nothing. I do believe this is just another stage of the process. I do believe that you have to an extent accepted your predicament, sometimes it’s hard to accept that you are now in acceptance with it so it is easier to say ‘i’m waiting on him’, or maybe you are, who knows? All that is evident is that you have made such amazing progress when just a few weeks ago you thought you wouldn’t! You give me such hope! Honestly, you give me hope that if I just continue this no contact, despite how i May feel right now the natural process that everyone told us about initially will just happen anyway and before you know it I’ll be at ‘nothing’ and accepting where I am.

The thing about the contact that he has made is that it is absolutely pointless. Not at one point did he say ‘Hey, just wondering if we could meet to speak? I think it’s really important that we do’ instead he has gone from complete desperation mode with the I miss you, to acts of kindness by sending flowers to my house, then sending me updates about failing his assessments for work (trying to remain some kind of normality) to being super organised about the weekend, to asking me out for a meal – as if that is in any way appropriate right now! He has not changed one bit. I think any normal human being whether in desperation mode or not would understand that the inevitable thing here is a completely honest, heartfelt, putting it out there kind of conversation. But not my ex no, he thinks he can fill my belly with good food and all will be well.

But I’ve always been the kind of person to either say things as they are outright or to throw in little suggestions here and there to try and lead people in the right direction of how i’d like to be treated and this time I refuse to do so, so for that reason I won’t text him back. He has been with me long enough and knows me waaaaay to well to know exactly what to do. This is on him. He needs to come to his own conclusions so i’m leaving him to it!