Shelby,

Your therapist could be right. Everyone always talks about these waves and stages of heartbreak. The denial, the hurt, the withdrawal, the acceptance etc.. You’ve mentioned that perhaps the fact that you are feeling emotionally detached and thinking of yourself more independently the last few days or so could be the beginning of your journey to acceptance.. it makes sense that your heart has moved on from despair, desperation (what my ex is doing right now) to just letting it break. He’s right, you get loads of rest and get through this! Believe me, you’re not sad at all, I’m about to run myself a bath and bed too! Energy levels are 0 at the moment.

My ex is definitely panicking now and rightly so because amongst all of our previous up and downs and I have never not responded to his communications. I ALWAYS responded. Throughout our relationship and once we split he always got almost an instant response from me, even if it was brief. So the fact that I have gone 5 days with absolute nothing despite his many efforts I can imagine him thinking ‘Sh*t!!! Is she really done?! I need to do everything in my power right now to show her I’m fighting’.

In any case, I don’t have energy to think about him or his needs/feelings right now.

Shelby,

Yes I would have always put his needs before mine, as I do with anyone else who I love in my life and it is proving extremely difficult today to go against that natural instinct. 6 days later and I now really badly want to reach out to him, to just forget about the distance and the pain and make this all okay. My rational mind realised that this isn’t going to change anything, the past still is what it is and it hurts the way it hurts. Maybe it feels that with this distance and time apart it hurts a little less.. or maybe those feelings just aren’t prominent right now but will surely resurface at some point today. I don’t know.

I am trying my upmost best to stay away. It is a constant battle this morning because I just want to forget about all this and run back to him to be happy.. I guess in the back of my mind I’m probably thinking that there is only so much that he can try before he gets the hint, maybe soon enough he’ll just leave me to it and accept that we are done. Will that break me?

I have managed to squeeze in almost 12 hours of sleep last night though! My body needed it!

i hope you’re enjoying your 5K and that you feel better for it! How are you feeling today?

Hi Kkasxo,

I’m really sorry for your pain and struggling – I understand how you’re feeling. I recently broke up with my partner of 5 years, and although it was my decision I am sometimes filled with regret and unsure if it was the right choice. I feel the same as you – worried about meeting anyone else that I will have that same connection and bond with. It’s my first real heart break and it is awful. I cry myself to sleep every night, I feel like I’m missing part of myself. I go to work and act happy and normal etc but it’s just a front. My friends who have been through break ups tell me it does get easier and I guess we have to believe them.

Hope we can get through this.

Hello Kkasxo and Shelbyville,

I have been absent from this forum for around a month, I apologise for this. On one hand this forum was helping but reading relate-able posts at times made me feel the emotions even worse. Now I thought I would give you all an update.

I went back to my ex’s over Christmas and to try to work things out. The first few days was amazing I initiated sex and was invested. The second week was dedicated to seeing others and we had a lot of nights where we ended in a routine and didn’t have sex. The third week we worked on one of my projects together and we didn’t do anything, because of stress and like he said it was rather business like.

Now I told myself before I went back that we would be okay if my anxiety wasn’t that bad. Again, I was fine when I got back and then as the weeks went on it deteriorated.

So it was obvious he wanted to be intimate in the last few days I was there and I was avoiding it, I blurted out to him “I dont want sex with you”, harsh and blunt I am aware. It came out it the worst way I could possibly imagine. It was rather awkward. So I left to get some space because I was so angry and embarrassed at myself. Whilst I was out I venting to a mutual friend. The friend I was a wolf in lambs clothing and instantly told my boyfriend everything I had said to her, which I was angry about because her version was a pent up ramble in a Supermarket, therefore I did not stand by a lot of what I said to her, the conversation was a lot of sound bites put together.

So that night I told him to go on the night out with the mutual friend, I didnt want anymore awkwardness than there already was and I knew that I had hurt him and I wasn’t in the right headspace to have a proper conversation.

Now I should add that he told me we would have a proper sit down chat about our relationship and we both kept avoiding it, hence why I kind of exploded.

So it came to the last day, we had that chat. It is rather frustrating that my communication with him has become so broken, I used to be able to say whatever I wanted without the fear of judgement.

Anyhow, I expressed to him that I don’t want to continue to try and work things out because even though I love him deeply my anxiety has not gone away and nor has my insecurity.

Whilst I was there he was constantly on whatsapp and everytime his phone pinged my brain just told me “omg he’s cheating on me right in front of me!”, he was keeping his options open as it were in front of me. Now I did try to combat this with rational thinking but it was a feeling that was still there.

So it has been a week and what a week it has been. A blur of stress and preparation because I got the news that I have a placement interview on Monday (tomorrow).

I have done so much preparation for this but as I spoke to our mutual friend (another one) last night about him and the fact that he has ignored my texts and email he is on my mind.

I have been watching tarot card readings for my star sign and they have really helped but I just wish he would reach out. But he hasn’t done.

He did the other week because he wanted to know how one of my exams had gone although we ended up having a phone call about it.

I know that he most likely gaming or been out with friends to keep himself preoccupied and I am happy he hasnt messaged me because I want both of us to be strong. But it is rather strange going from texting a lot to not at all.

You see I hope this placement interview is a success because it isn’t just a job it is freedom. The opportunity to stand on my own two feet. I guess I have been busy since I got back and this is the first night I have started processing things.

On top of this I saw my mum and due to her ability to trick me into thinking she is my ally I confessed about the other guy I had seen and the glee in her voice was sickening.

So I am currently keeping my distance as she has started to be rather controlling and she has just been awful towards me.

Then on top of this I have had my housemate picking at little things which caused me to feel on edge until she left the house. Very similar behaviour to how my mum acts and makes me feel.

I was wound up by this and made an accident on an application to the BBC, then I had to email them and I am praying they are nice about it and let me redo that part of the application.

Right now, I just feel like I am so close to success I cannot allow any distractions, especially emotional ones as they go around in my head. For example, I have spent a lot of this evening thinking he is ignoring me, is he okay etc.

I am happy this forum exists because even though I could write this in my diary there is no reply or feedback.

I believe that I do not have anything more to add aside from the fact that even though I am on a high atm in terms of motivation I am waiting for the fall as it were so I will be seeking counselling this coming week and I am going to go and meet new people.

I know that this will pass, I must admit the ability that I am in control of my destiny does not scare me like it did before, instead I feel excited.

Thank you for reading this and I will be on here a little bit more,  to be blurting all my feelings out on an online forum is a bit foreign, I have shyed away from it at times even though it does help.

I shall go back a few pages…I think about 10 haha..and catch up on what has been happening in your lives.

– V

Victoria – welcome back hun! Wow it does sound like you’ve had one hell of a rise these last few weeks! It seems to me that despite everything, despite the many attempts, you did still try with your ex once more. It appears though that whatever issues you two may be going through you need to get through alone for the time being due to your anxiety flaring up and you essentially withdrawing from him. I can imagine this is quite confusing for both yourself and him. Perhaps some time apart will do the trick – believe me I know this is easier said than done!

Shelby – he is indeed still in withdrawal however I have a very strong gut feeling that he will soon enough stop the contact all together and just accept that we are on time out or to put it bluntly, over. He is a very rational person and will have no issue in explaining to himself that it is okay we are over, these things happen, you get through it. He did exactly that directly after our split, rationally explained and accepted that this is simply a fact of life and you have no choice but to get through it. This obviously saddens me and instils feelings of fear however maybe subconsciously I am pushing him as far as I possibly can because I know that it’ll be easier to move away from him if HE walks away rather than the other way round? This is just a thought. Honestly, I hate every moment away from him. I hate that it has come to this. All I want is to retrieve back to us being happy and content and I am so sad that it just isn’t that right now – such a shame!

In regards to the trigger date, my therapist has set me an exercise for the week to try to explore the trauma from different angles. She has asked to my write all of my feelings and thoughts around the trauma from three different areas; the heart, the head and the circumstances at the time. As I go through this it is interesting to see that my guilt and grief is somewhat shifting because I see that it was somewhat out of my hands.. Great exercise!

Shelby,

I guess you’re right, it is out of my control it the time away and space too makes him realise that this relationship is no longer functioning. I must stop thinking too much into everything and just let things flow.

I’ve kept myself occupied by purchasing a few bits to honour the memorable date, was emotional to say the least but also a slight relief knowing that I am trying my best to make the day as comfortable for myself as possible.

There could be two sides to the contact with your ex. Either he was just being polite and agreed to meet up or he’s sitting there wandering why you haven’t reached out to arrange it.. I guess you won’t know. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you get on okay for most part, it’s only when you really think about the situation when the pain arises again. And I suppose that’s normal. You didn’t want things to end, you love him, it’s only natural to hurt.

Well done on not drinking since the breakup! I think that’s a big one for me, I do enjoy a drink and I suppose it’s a way for me to relax too when in social situations which I seem to hate at the moment. But it definitely play a major part in me caving in on Saturday. After all, who doesn’t want to be cared for and looked after after a few drinks?!

I’m glad you’ve got the evening planned and are treating yourself! I just got home myself and climbed straight into bed. I have no plans whatsoever for the rest of the day so without a doubt I’ll be wandering in my own thoughts soon enough.