Shelby,

Yes I can imagine it is scary to admit to yourself that the deep need for him isn’t as strong but believe me that is incredible progress. It is everything you’ve been looking forward to the last few weeks, even if it only lasts for a couple of days at a time!

I wont lie when I say I felt a sigh of relief when he contacted me, I guess in a way he is hurting and maybe the time apart the last few days has given him some food for thought. Nonetheless, the complexity of the situation is beyond my understanding so I’m not going to try to understand it for now. I have promised myself no contact this week. My only goal and focus this week is to keep that promise to myself. I’m going to try my hardest to not over analyse, over think, and try to understand every tiny detail of what’s going on. One step at a time, my focus is no contact right now.

I’m sorry to hear that you too have a deeply saddening and triggering upcoming for you. Try to be as gentle on yourself as possible and remember that you do not owe anyone any explanation. You do not need to focus on your ex or explaining the situation to others, focus on what is really important that weekend – remembering the person who was close to you.

I know I sound real shitty right now but I will do my upmost best to be around as much as I can for you should you need to relief a little on the forum throughout this particularly tough time.

Shelby,

Yes it is. You have survived through your birthday, and Christmas, and even NYE. No matter how difficult it was you have survived and are alive and well. You will get through this date the same way, and you will get through what would’ve been your anniversary the same way. I know this is particularly difficult, I went through my birthday and then anniversary days later, but I got through it! Actually in hindsight, now that I have more knowledge of what was actually going on in his life around that time, I don’t feel so sad anymore that he didn’t make an effort on those days!

I am choosing to try to take a similar approach to you at the moment. Everytime I think about contacting him I remind myself that at this present moment in time it will not change a thing. It will not shift my feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, it will not make him understand, it will not take back everything that has happened, it will literally not change a thing. The only thing it will do right now is make me feel worse having him plead and be apologetic. I wonder how long this attitude will last but it is keeping me going for now and for that I am grateful.

I too have been struggling with sleep recently, ending up going to bed at 2/3am everyday because I simply cannot get to sleep (not like me at all!). But it is what it is at the moment, eventually the tired will catch up with me and I will sleep like a baby – I hope!

How are you feeling this morning? Are you loving your new hair?!

Shelby,

Exactly that. Nothing at present is going to change so there is no use in putting the very little amount of energy I have left into trying to change it. Whilst thinking and reflecting back on my life and the relationships and friendships I have had with people it has become apparent to me that I am indeed an empath and the happiness and comfort of others come way before my own. Because even now when I have been burned to the ground and barely have any energy to hold my own self together, I am way too keen to reach out and help him because ‘he needs me right now!!’. I appreciate this is in my nature, and it is extremely difficult fighting off this personality trait but I simply cannot continue this way – not right now. I need to save whatever I have left in me to save myself. 

Of course, do anything and everything that makes you feel even just a tad better! Remember we spoke about this many weeks ago, incorporating any tiny details that make our days even the slightest bit better. Looking after yourself will always boost your self esteem a little. Whether you are feeling happy with your life right now or not it is almost a given that feeling good about yourself, whether that be by eating healthy, exercising, getting your hair done, buying a new outfit or whatever it may be, you will feel much better than if you were sat in bed un-showered with scruffy hair and stained pj’s!

Yes – meh is the right word here. I have not had a lower moment today, YET, I am sure it’ll surface at some point but I am enjoying the meh right now. Work has been a good distraction today, I wouldn’t say I am focused but like you just doing, just getting on with things and not paying too much attention or giving too much thought to anything. I’ll be done with my work day soon, the plan is to go home, have a bath, keep journaling and then go for my nose consultation! Hopefully the hours in between finishing work and going to the consultation will pass quickly.

What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

Hey both – don’t want to disturb you both but honestly, you’re both sounding so much stronger, ‘meh’ is awesome compared to where you guys were just a few weeks back.

Kkaxso – such a big well done for sticking to your guns and no contact for a week, especially as he’s reached out looking to fall back into your normal painful pattern. It’s only by doing different will you get a different outcome.  It’s hard when your own nature means you want to look after him too, even just as friends rather than in a relationship, but you just don’t have the mental strength for that right now. Good choice.

Shelby – this other ex sounds like a perfect opportunity to practice saying no to what you don’t want and standing up for your boundaries. Honestly, I’d probably go for simply telling him that meeting up just the two of you isn’t something you feel is a good idea but perhaps in a group if that works if you do actually want to see this guy as a friend. Else just not.  An excellent way to help your self-esteem by sticking up for yourself.

Anyway I wanted to share one more thing that helped me no end once I’d eventually got to my meh most days, incase it helps you guys too. Basically, I tried my damnedest to not shut down and stay open emotionally even though it hurt like hell – to allow the occasional happy flutter, be it from a warm sunny morning, a cheerful/energising song or whatever would catch me offguard from feeling sad and lonely. Often I’d panic or feel guilt at doing so since it was a small step forwards to not being miserable all the time, which felt like giving up on him/the relationship. Shelby, like you, I’d somehow fallen into letting this guy be most of my life so I worked hard at re-building old friends and new, huge focus on losing weight & getting fit and getting back into work proper. By staying open, I was eventually able to do so many things I thought I would only do/enjoy with him, including travel, which I never thought I’d do again. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was what I needed to learn how to become independent and capable of being happy on my own. Happy to share more if it helps but hopefully you guys will understand and it’ll be some use to you on your own journey through this.

PS Kkasxo, it’s amazing what can be done these days eh! Absolutely – don’t skimp on something you are literally going to have to look at everyday, get what you pay for and all that!

Shelby & Michelle,

First of all shelby, the fact that you state that you are accepting the end of the relationship, however sad it may make you is a major major milestone! Well bloody done for this! I am so beyond pleased for you.

Also thank you both for your kind words about the strength I have managed to find to withhold any contact. It is true, I need to do something differently to expect a different outcome! I am trying my hardest.

I too have therapy today, first one after the holidays and with everything going on I am sure it’ll be intense and draining but I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things!

Work has been extremely busy today, welcoming the distraction!

Hi,

I’m going through the same thing also. I am missing my ex boyfriend every day, wake up missing his arms around me and just his presence in my life while he seems to be doing just fine! I am trying to focus on myself instead of wanting him back, but it’s just so hard! A couple posts back in the forum, I told my ex that if he wanted to be with me again it would have to be exclusive,  no more dating sites or other girls he’s been “seeing?” and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s so hard waiting and hurts to not be chosen.

Shelby,

It’s okay to not understand what’s going on entirely. One minute your head and heart yearn from him and the next you’re not accepting that it’s over and that is all a part of this process. It is okay if you journal on here in the next hour in crippling pain again. But remember when right at the beginning of our communication people told us those moments soon enough will be far and few and less and less? Can you see this is finally becoming relative to yourself?! That is great news!

Also, the fact that you can acknowledge that you relying on solely your ex for happiness is not the way to continue going forward is great too. You’re finally starting to do that ‘inner self’ work that everyone kept talking about and we never even knew how to approach it. Perhaps all those people who got through it were right… maybe it does just simply get better with time and that’s okay!

Try not to think as far ahead as future, him not being a part of your future, because I find for myself personally that that’s when things get scary, overwhelming and just too much for me to handle. And I want to run back to him as fast as I can, to my comfort, to the idea of a future. I am trying my best now to live in the here and now, one day at a time, baby steps. And here I am doing just that, still haven’t contacted him and if I’m honest, today I didn’t even have to use my willpower to do that, it kind of just flew by.. maybe because I was really busy who knows?!

I just got in from my therapy session which went well and not as emotional today. When I returned home I had a delivery of flowers and chocolates with a note saying Dear K, I hope you feel better soon, Love xx…

I don’t even feel anything if i’m honest. I’m not happy, i’m not sad, I’m not even thinking about receiving them, just blank. I’ve put the flowers back in their delivery box and that’s as far as it goes right now.

I’ve got some work to do from home today so will focus on that for the next hour or so and then workout, bath and a good Netflix session and another day has flown by with no communication! Yippeeee!

Grounded – Welcome to the forum hun! I know all too well what it feels like to be a choice, I felt that too only last week when things started coming to light whilst me and my ex were split up. Although I wasn’t a choice to him per say because he dropped everything to get back with me, it still hurts the same way. I would suggest that you do not wait for his response and realise that no message is also a message. You shouldn’t have been a choice in the first place. If his mind was made up to get back in touch with yourself, to see if there is still anything there, he could’ve at least given you two a fair shot and been focused on you and what it is you could’ve potentially had, not entertaining random conversations and giving hopes to strange girls on dating apps! I know how the betrayal feels I really really do. Feel free to post at any time! We’re all in this together!