Michelle,

My family members were all witness to everything that was happening over the summer so they are very aware. But at the time although the situation was deeply personal to me and me only, I felt I was also responsible for their hurt, to see me hurt. I felt almost as though a part of me died, but also parts of them and that was very painful to watch as they cried with me, held me and kept me alive by all means necessary for weeks on end. For that reason, the topic is a complete no go for me and I will not discuss with them – to prevent them any more hurt. According to them I am alive, kicking and well. Although they know me very well and are aware I am attending therapy so they probably know I am struggling in one way or another however I do believe they think i’m doing much better than I actually am. Perhaps out of respect or to not bring up any traumatic memories for me they too keep quiet and let me get on with things.. Nonetheless, it is definitely not something I want them to experience in any way as it is too painful. So much so that I will be going away for that date and a few days following the date. With him (which was the original plan) or without him I need to be away, in my own space, in my own privacy to go through this whichever way it decides to go.

I think I just need to get through this first date by all means necessary. I need to do whatever I possibly can to make it as comfortable as possible for myself because I am aware that I have been in a really dark place before. Maybe the date itself won’t be so painful in the following years.. Once I’ve done that first hurdle. No clue.

Shelby,

You most definitely have progressed. It is not to say that that need to be with your ex has disappeared, it may well still be there but your approach to it has altered. Right now it is about you and you first. YOU want to be stronger whatever the outcome with your ex and that is major progress. I am so glad to hear this! You are doing so so so well!

It is lovely to hear that your sister was and still is a major support network for you. I suppose in a way maybe my family would do the same but yes like you say, I am putting their needs before mine. Despite the real struggle that I am going through I believe I can handle this better than them maybe, I don’t want to cause them any more pain by re-opening wounds. What if they too are struggling and I just don’t know about it? It’s a tough one because when it comes to the trauma, honestly, I can only openly discuss this with my ex and my therapist. Even my most supportive friend when she opens up the conversation I shut down. I don’t mean to but it is still just very raw and i’d rather avoid the conversation all together, goes back to my coping mechanism of shutting everything out.

Probably the reason why I can speak to my ex is 1.) he was the only other person who truly experienced this with me 2.) I guess somewhere in myself I blame him for a lot of it. So it is easier to express the pain to him knowing that I can also let it be known that I believe he is to blame (he is not fully, and I am aware of that) I just think when you are hurting it is easier to shift blame maybe?

I am hoping you are right in that this date will come and go, and will be tough but not as tough as I am maybe preparing myself for.

Shelby,

It is good that you are able to feel and see your emotions through at this stage. Seems that you are taking your own advice on this, the only way is through it! You’re not fighting it anymore and now your mind and soul are giving you some time off from feeling the constant misery – that is amazing!

Your therapist honestly never fails to inspire me in ways. There are many things you mentioned here and I’m like that makes total sense! I am probably trying to protect myself from the pain also – by avoiding any kind of conversation with anyone or anything about the trauma, including my family.

The trauma has made me take on a shut down approach as means of coping and it is affecting all aspects of my life. It is something I have discussed with my therapist and apparently is a very real thing, it is an instinct that kicks in to protect us from excruciating pain. You hear of many stories of trauma survivors where they actually confess that their brains have completely blocked out the trauma or any details around it, again, that is your brain protecting you. Fortunately or unfortunately I remember everything very clearly, I have just gotten extremely good at blocking it out. And if a situation arises which triggers reminders, or my gut feels I am going to get hurt I go into complete shut down mode.

Perhaps the reason why I am able to go through it in therapy is because I feel safe? Because there are no trigger warnings or fear, I know this person is there to help me. I’m hoping that with continuous therapy I will learn better, more fulfilling coping mechanisms, ones which will help me deal in all situations in life rather than avoid situations so not to get burned.

I have no doubt that the date will be hard for me. It is most definitely something that I will never ever forget and will take with me to my grave. But with time I hope to learn to live with it and not let it take over my life. I am however hoping that it won’t be as bad as I am preparing for. Nevertheless, best to prepare for the absolute worst.

I just want to say again, Shelby, only a few weeks ago you were frustrated and the lack of progress in your recovery but you do not realise just how much progress you have actually made. You are able to be rational with yourself, you are able not to act on impulse, in fact, like you said ‘if I don’t feel like contacting him this week, so be it’.. You’re accepting your feelings. You’re accepting that although somewhere in your mind you have that nagging voice I WANT TO BE WITH HIM you actually don’t particularly want or need to speak to him at present moment. It isn’t a necessity. That is huge. You’re looking inwards for answers rather than trying to find them out there in the world and coming to conclusions such as ‘I want to be stronger’. I feel as though the last few weeks have been an absolute breakthrough for you and I am SO happy to hear!

Shelby,

Psychology is indeed quite fascinating. I actually even studied it for two years back in my college days and it is mind blowing what our brains are capable of. You are more than capable of coming off of the anti anxiety medication and even maybe lessening your therapy sessions a little. Take as much time as you need. You’re doing extremely well and you WILL get through this. I just know it.

As it is still the beginning of my therapy journey, I feel I am only settling in. Although the environment is 100% comfortable and I do feel it is one of the very few places I am happy to discuss my trauma, I do somewhat still withhold because maybe I feel ashamed or embarrassed? Those are hard feelings to move past from.

I understand you may be missing your ex. That is completely normal and natural. But the way you miss your ex now and the way you missed your ex only a few weeks ago, I can see a complete difference. Back then it was the end of your world, how could you possibly go on, you’re unhappy. Now it’s a simple acknowledgement of my heart feels a little heavy right now, I miss him, but I am nor here or there. I will accept these feelings and tomorrow is a new day. The intensity of it has shifted.

I had two minor breakdowns today. One right after work when I got home and found myself with nothing to do and I wanted to reach out to him so bad. But not even to start a line of communication, rather it was to ask why? Why did you do all of this? How could you hurt me this way? And to dig him out for no longer being the man that I loved and trusted with my life. Everything I have already said to him and there is absolutely no need for saying it all again. Even more so, there is no need for opening up a line of emotional conversation with him when I know full well that I can’t handle his apologies, pleading and crying right now. So I settled for journaling instead, had a bath, went to do a food shop, worked out etc. And again had another one of those moments 30 or so minutes ago, again when I am no longer busy and have settled for the evening, this time everything is replaying in my head, I feel angry, betrayed, hurt, worthless. I want to text him. I want him to know that I am feeling all those things. But I rationally explained to myself that right now, me reaching out isn’t going to change anything, especially not how I am feeling in this present moment, so again I settled for journaling. Well bloody done to me!!

Now that you mention it, I have often wondered about PTSD and all of the persistent symptoms etc apply. But as I have never seen a doctor or anyone around this I haven’t been diagnosed. I don’t want to go and speak to my doctor about my struggles, probably one of the reasons I haven’t reached out for help via anti depressants.  But perhaps if my therapy sessions aren’t helping in the long run then it will be something that I will have to explore in order to move forward in my life, because I do want to move forward more than anything. I just want to be far away from where I am right now in terms of emotional/mental state.

I can’t quite see the progress I have made but it is reassuring to hear that you can. I hope to continue making progress and come out of this the other end just like Melanie. There were a few hiccups along the way and undoubtably there will be more hiccups which I will have to get through but I will get there. I have one life. I most definitely don’t want to live it this way for the rest of my days.

Shelby,

It may well be linked to your hormones but the fact that you are approaching it the way that you are is incredible. One step at a time, dealing with the moment rather than dwelling on what is to come next. That is major progress.

Yes exactly. He has already expressed his remorse etc and at the moment it has not changed anything for me. In fact, I don’t buy it. As sad as it sounds I just do not buy it right now. I understand human beings are complicated creatures who mistakes at the best of times, but conscious choices that you do not seem to learn from are not those. They are perhaps a part of the persons personality, intentions or whatever else. I am not interested in hearing the reasoning behind things right now. I am angry, hurt and feel absolutely betrayed. That isn’t shifting right now so as much as I would love nothing more than to reach out to him, there is no use in that.

I am yet again in one of my lower moments, journaling every moment I can to refrain from contact. It is beyond my understanding why I would even want to contact him right now. Silly if you ask me.

I bought an inspirational 2019 diary a few weeks back that I forgot about and came across yesterday. It is crazy because in the first week of January (and I had written this at some point in October maybe) I put my motivational quote for the week as ‘Every end is a new beginning’.. well ain’t that the truth!

This week it is ‘People change, that’s a fact of life. Sometimes we have to accept that the person we once loved no longer exists though their heart beats on and their lungs draw breath’. Just a little reminder to myself. I am also trying to remind myself that his actions do not reflect on me but completely on him. It is not my fault.

Did you manage to find a new hair dresser in the end? I remember you saying you needed to change as your previous was in your ex’s area. I will be going to get my nails done today and then my friend will be coming to stay the night with me. We will probably get a workout in and have a few drinks as we do. I have also scheduled myself in for a consultation tomorrow for non-surgical nose reshaping. Something I’ve been wanting to do for as long as I can remember but always put off. I thought why not! Maybe it’ll boost my confidence a little bit? I am trying to put as much effort into my self at the moment, exercising, eating healthy, booking in facials etc, actually going to schedule an appointment for the doctors to deal with my extreme breakouts of acne now! Gotta start somewhere.

I guess I am just trying to keep busy, distracted, and to do as much for myself as I possibly can!

Shelby,

I can relate to that completely. I feel that way every Thursday on my way to therapy as I literally have to drive past his house as it is located about 5 minutes away from there. Actually, I have even seen him once or twice on my journey so with everything going on at the moment I know Thursday will be even more difficult for me.

We are alike in the way we think of some things. To me any time away from him is just so unnecessary and such a waste of time. So I understand when you say you just want to go back to being ‘us’. Try and shift your mindset back to the here and now. Noone knows what the future holds. Things could turn around and unfold for you in so many different ways. And remind yourself that this may not be making sense right not but one day it will.

Shortly after my previous post I could feel myself slowly going into a panic attack. My heart started beating out of control, my mind in absolute overdrive, I felt so fearful in that moment and had to try and bring myself back to planet earth and just breathe through it. Giving myself pep talks. ‘You’re okay, you’re alive and healthy, stop torturing yourself! Keep breathing!’ I still feel quite uneasy and can feel my heartrate is much faster than normal but just trying to keep breathing. This is real messy. I cannot wait to feel remotely okay again. I would much rather be empty and feel nothing, similar to Saturday, than feel all of this intensity!

So non-surgical reshaping essentially is fillers. They use fillers to alter the shape of your nose, make it appear smaller/larger, disguise any bumps or imperfections, lift a droopy nose etc. I have a bump on my nose and have been considering surgery for many years but have delayed due to the time off I would have to take from work, the recovery time, and I guess just the fear of going in for surgery! What if I don’t like it in the end?! What if the pain gets too much for me? Whereas this is a non-permanent solution and lasts anywhere between a year to two years depending on how quickly your body naturally absorbs the filler. It is also a pain free and 10 minute procedure with minimal bruising/swelling and instant results. I have done quite extensive research on it and watched many videos to familiarise myself with the procedure and the results and I really think I’m going to go for it. I’ll let you know how my consultation goes tomorrow!

Shelby,

you may not realise this but that approach in itself is very progressive. You should be extremely proud of yourself. You’re not feeling the need for contact as often – progress. You’re not in despair at all hours of every day – progress. You’re doing extremely well and it is so refreshing to hear.

You’re absolutely right, I have survived. Despite everything I am still here. It’s avtually something my friend mentioned to me, that I don’t realise my own strength that I have faced everything that I have faced and against all odds I am still here, alive. Not only alive but managing to hold down a job, look after myself by going to the gym, and hoping for a better future. Alright I may not go out and socialise like I used to or feel happy but I am alive and that in itself is major. I have to try and see it that way too.

He has reached out this afternoon saying that he wishes i’d come home and misses me terribly and that he wanted to let me know he’s enquired about beginning therapy himself.

Well done to him for finally accepting that the trauma affected him more than he let on. Well done on realising that he is a car crash and is ruining his life. Well done on reaching out for help. But at this point, I am not ready to speak to him so the no contact will continue from my end.

I was intrigued with the non surgical procedure too! You should definitely look into it, they have a load of videos on YouTube too! And I will definitely keep you updated on my consultation.