Kkasxo – the biggest hug for you – so brave to make your decision and want something different & better for you.   One step at at time.  Cling on to that better future you. Take care, know it feels like cr@p right now, it will get better. Shout if I can help.

Michelle,

Trust me I do not feel brave right now. It wasn’t even a choice I wanted to make, it was one I had to make as his stories no longer added up and everything was becoming a real mess. When I realised that for whatever reason he may have had, he got caught up in all the lies and holding onto him meant that I will forever question everything. I will forever seek extra reassurance to feel secure, my heart and soul will never be calm.

I feel I am still in a state of shock. I actually woke up crying from my short sleep because I dreamt of everything and I said to myself aloud, ‘You do not need to do this to yourself. Stop re-living the past. You can’t change it. Stop torturing yourseld’ I can’t tell you if it worked or not but I’ll try anything at this stage.

I don’t think reality has really hit me yet. I feel abdeep ingrained sadness. Like my chest is closing in on me and I can’t realky breathe properly.

Shelby,

Thank you so much for your kind words. My heart is so heavy right now. Strangely, it is a mixture of extreme pain and almost a numbness, emptiness. One moment I feel it all and the next I am completely blank.

I exploded yesterday. I really really did. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream or shout but I knew my soul had enough.

Of course today I am re-living everything and my ex is more than apologetic holding on to hope of an ‘us’ once things have calmed down. Typical. I have promised myself a fair shot. I told him I want absolutely no contact with him for at least the next week whilst I figure stuff out in my head. Again, the tiny little doubt of ARE YOU SURE THIS IS REALLY IT is creeping up and I am beginning to wonder if I am actually normal at this point. Is there anything that this man can actually do to make me walk away? Or have I just become that woman that you always read about and think WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO YOUR OWN SELF?!!!!!!!!!

I met up with a friend this evening who split with her partner of 5 years last week. Don’t get me wrong she is hurt, you can see but she is doing so god damn well. She is really into her spiritualism and the law of the universe and we were discussing the whole thing over dinner and I literally didn’t have a leg to stand on. She said she wants nothing more than to be with her ex, but right now at this point in time she knows it is not right for them to be together, she knows that, her gut is telling her that, so she broke things off. I asked her that taking into consideration that she loves him and actually wants a future with this man is she not worried that allowing him all this time on his own and actually the push and idea to move on away from one another will mean that they will never reconcile a relationship and actually do go their separate ways? Her answer was so clear cut. ‘If there is a point in my life where I feel it is right to get back with him, and my gut, my soul, my heart yearns for him and I knock on that door and it is closed, then it was never meant to be in the first place and I saved myself a lot of heartache in the long run.’

Just like that. That simple.

And yet here I am broken to what feels like beyond repair and now the anger is wearing off my doubt around my decision is creeping in and although I was sure sure yesterday, I no longer am. I am so disappointed with myself to even have those thoughts creep up in my head after everything. I am beyond words.

Shelby,

I guess you’re right. I do need some time out and I am entitled to feeling as shitty as I do.

I was discussing the whole situation with a friend of mine this morning, the same friend who has been with me through thick and thin throughout the whole thing. She shed some light on the fact that the circumstances around this aren’t exactly not in his favour, what he’s messed up on is the fact that we were already in a very fragile position and (whether that was his reason to whithols truth or not) he did it anyway and as a result abused the trust that was always so unconditional between us in a major way.

That was a major red flag for me. I still keep replaying all of the truths in my head and I actually had to say aloud at one point today STOP DOING THIS!!! YOU ARE TORTURING YKUESELF, YOU DONT NEED TO TORTURE YOURSELF LIKE THIS!!

I’ve managed to keep distracted for the day. The morning was probably the worst part of it all as I really felt the pain then more than any other point of the day, to my surprise I even managed to cry a little. My only disappointment is that as the day went on and the anger wasn’t so fresh anymore my pure stupidity, clearly, decided to do the thing I do best, see and understand two sides to the story, analyse, over-think and as a result the feelings of ‘Am I sure this is the right decision for me?’ creeped right back in.

Again, my friend shed some light on this from a different perspective. Bless her heart considering she really does not approve of him at all at this stage she is trying to be as understanding as she possibly can be. She explained that perhaps the reason why I cannot physically let go at this present moment in time is because maybe his role in my life is not yet finished. For one, going back to the trauma I experienced in June, and with this being only the beginning of my journey to healing from that, I am still somewhat reliant on him to pick me up in the dark moments. And if not pick me up then just be there as he is literally the only person who can get through to me there and then. I realise this sounds so unhealthy but that is literally my truth. It has been like that right from the start. She believes that I have indeed outgrown the relationship itself (hence the lack of energy to put any real work) but I can’t quite afford to let it go just yet so that as I move through my healing I’ll come to my own conclusions and ease away from him – I.e not be so afraid of essentially ending my life if my ‘safeplace’ (him) is not around. I’ll learn ways to be self-sufficient that way on my own.

Also, there is a major major major trigger date fast approaching for me around the trauma now in the next 3 weeks. I have no real idea how I am going to deal with this. No clue whatsoever. I’ve never had to deal with this before so it is a complete unknown. And knowing just how bad/how low I got over the summer I am simply afraid of that happening again because it was terrifying. So again, at all costs I am trying create a ‘safe space’ for myself to try and get through this time – and at this point in time he is a major part of that. She believes I will be in a much different place this time next year and I will be able to deal with this all by myself and far away from him.

I didn’t take any of that into consideration. I tend to separate my trauma from my relationship completely forgetting that they are so closely entertained, in fact they branch off of one another so it sounds like a reasonable explanation for this whole ordeal. Other than that it must be pure stupidity. Because I feel stupid.

Shelby & Michelle,

It is true, my internal voice has been giving me a beating for some time now, particularly since I officially said enough. I can’t seem to stop beating myself up because how could I possibly even still be considering to try and view the world from his perspective when I KNOW he is no good for me. That to me is pure stupidity and I am so utterly embarrassed that I honestly would not even own up to this to many of my friends.

When discussing the events with my friend I acknowledged the fact that neither me or him are the same person we were prior to the trauma. The reality is it has affected us and changed us. Being the head strong, confident and outgoing woman that I am I cannot understand how I even got myself into this wholly dependant position, whilst he clearly went from loving, caring considerate to a complete self-destructive car crash. Our relationship did not look anything like this!! We were not dependant on one another, there was no toxicity, there was nothing. How did it turn to this?!

Michelle your input is always always welcome! You have been an absolute sigh of relief for me and give me hope as you have come out of this the other end!  I do think you’re right in saying that my friend is dealing solely with the split from her partner. I am and have been dealing with a trauma that caused me to essentially want to end my life only a few short months ago. It is a lot. And whatever this whole ‘trauma bonding’, the attachment, the fact that I know I need to leave but I cant stop holding on,  whatever coping mechanism my brain has instilled in me is beyond my understanding at this stage.

Nonetheless, I am going to try to remain head strong for now. I will not contact him for now. I refuse to allow myself to do that. I want to explore this situation with my therapist on Thursday in the hope that I get a bit more insight from a professional but I must admit, I am utterly embarrassed ladies. I think from the trauma onwards is almost like an out of body experience. ‘These things will never happen to me, these things only ever happen to other people!’ Until it hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. I can’t believe I have found myself in such a situation. Me? Who would’ve ever thought.

Thank you so much for your ongoing support and words of encouragement! I am so grateful!

Shelby,

I am so glad to hear that you have managed to keep Martha at a distance! My Martha equivalent is literally beating the crap out of me at the moment. As I read more and more into Trauma Bonding I think I am more and more in shock. How did I get here?!

As I continue to struggle to understand myself, I am trying to do as much reading as possible to explore different ideas. Some I can most definitely relate to and are a real eye opener. So for now I will continue exploring.. 

I think trauma does really change people, it has definitely changed me and it has changed him for the worse. I am lost, he is too. He has admitted that several times, that he underestimated just how much things have affected him. Often, not even in the worst of situations he struggled to find a reason for his certain behaviours/reactions. He admitted that he feels lost, that he cant quite grasp his way of thinking or doing right now and even went as far as saying that he would like to maybe attend therapy too. I have this major longing and crazy belief that after the beautiful years we had together, we owe it to one another to heal together.. that that is what should’ve happened in the first place, we should’ve never separated and instead go through all of this together and help one another get through it. I know that at this point in time I cannot afford to loose the only source of comfort (him) I have in my dark times. Although they do not come as often as they used to, they do still come and they come in heavy each time. Maybe he feels the same? Maybe none of this is love anymore. Maybe we have both outgrown the idea of us ever really reconciling the romantic relationship but we just have this unhealthy bond with one another because of the trauma and all the effects of this on our lives in the here and now.

It almost feels like we are both in a world where it is just me and him. And only we know the trauma, and only we feel the effects of it and only we can help one another and no other person will quite understand it? I can’t kick the image of who he used to be for many years. How I knew him. I feel guilty for walking away when he may indeed be needing me the most right now because of the trauma, and I get that, because I need him too and I would be devastated if he walked away. How can I fail someone who needs me more than ever? Isn’t that what love, relationships, friendships are supposed to be about? The reality is life is shitty, but sometimes you find people who just ride it out with you regardless of how bad it gets, and eventually you are thankful for those people. How can I decide to not be that person for him?

But the on the other hand why do I feel personally responsible for his well being when he did exactly that, leave me when I needed him the most? I understand he was dealing with things in his own way at the time but is this just because we are different people and I just would’ve never done that to him? Or is it because I truly love him and he just doesn’t truly love me enough to have stayed?

Can you tell I’m in absolute overdrive?! I realise I sound like a crazy lady right now.

I did indeed manage to get myself into work today but I must admit I am doing the absolute bare minimum. I can’t quite focus on work at the moment with everything going on. I did however manage to have a few hours undisturbed sleep last night so that is a start. I haven’t been eating well the last week or so. In fact, I had to remind myself to eat something yesterday at 8pm because I realised I hadn’t eaten at all! I have been suffering with terrible acne for the past two weeks or so also (I have always had perfectly clear skin), my body is really starting to show the signs of distress now.

Throughout my communication with my friend yesterday I said to her, ‘I do not recall my split from my ex (partner I had before this) ever ever everrrrrrrrrr being even remotely close to this’. Granted, I was young and thought I was in love, it was love to me at the time, but it was never my future so maybe that was the reason why I didn’t suffer when letting go. Or maybe it is really the truma and the idea of isolation, that only me and him have this unspeakable bond because we are the only ones who truly understand because experienced this together that is making this so complex.

Shelby,

You are right in saying that we need time apart to heal on our own – I just wonder if now is the time for this or rather if I should wait until after the significant date passes.. I have been discussing the particular date with my therapist since last month actually, so she knows that it is sitting in my subconscious heavy and perhaps is another reason for my constant emotional up and down. It is terrifying to know that I don’t actually know how I will respond on the day. And knowing just how bad I can actually get and that scared the sh** out of me and what pushed me to seek help in the first place, maybe he at the moment for me is that comfort blanket that right now I still need. I don’t know.

Apart from that, the romantic relationship as it stands in this moment needs to not continue. Like you say, not to say we cannot reconcile in the future but right now it is doing more damage than good – I know that.

I don’t think you realise just how far you have come to be able to say that you WANT to get back with your ex but even if the opportunity came along you would like to be in a completely different mind space, self sufficient before you do. That is major. Just a few weeks ago you would’ve jumped at any opportunity whenever, wherever! Fear or no fear you would’ve gone straight for it. Now you are really questioning whether just because you want something, is it truly good for you in the here and now? That is incredible. Honestly, you should be extremely proud of yourself!