Shelby,

Dont you worry, I still have my handy reminder set on my phone to come back here in October 2019 and let you know exactly how I am doing.

A year seems like such a long time, such a distant future but the way I am feeling and the way things are going I don’t actually know if I’ll believe I’ll be any better off..

I can completely relate to the notion of being stuck on pause. I feel like I have been in this paused moment since late August, 4 months or so… a pause full of confusion, hurt and complete lack of direction. I literally have no clue which way I want to go. I realise this has a lot to do with the fact that I am unable to make a solid and clear decision because I am too afraid of facing the consequences, I’m too afraid I will make the wrong choice that I will never be able to go back from and as a result will have to live with the upset forever. But this lack of decision making is also keeping me in a place of pause and it is not somewhere that I want to be.

For a while now I’ve been saying that i don’t know how I’m gonna get there or where I am even going but I want to be anywhere other than here – on pause, surviving, distracting. I’m so tired of this meaningless phase of life.

Nonetheless, I know all this, but what am I really going to do about it? Probably nothing.

Shelby,

I did say that to you… I think sometimes people, particularly people like us who seek understanding in all aspects, sometimes but themselves in uncomfortable positions to try to better understand and as a result be able to move forward. Hence the meet up with your ex, hence me holding on to mine. Perhaps it’s like a security blanket? For you it may be ‘oh well at least I have gone back there a few times just to be sure that nothings changed’ and for me it’s ‘oh well at least I tried! If things didn’t work out I know I can’t question myself for the rest of my life, I tried’.

I think once you get to a point of there is literally nothing that you can do to change your circumstances with your ex involved, that’s when you will move on. That was the case for me. After we initially split I asked myself so many questions, came up with different scenarios of how I could possibly get things back on track, kept in light contact, tried to remind him what he’s loosing etc – but he was adamant, persistent even for a while. And that persistence is what made me wake up one morning and think ‘right okay, it is entirely out of my hands now so I don’t have any other choice but to stop moping about and get on with my life, there is and never will be an us ever again, I have no other choice but to accept that’ and I did. Don’t get me wrong it still hurt, but I was doing better, much better than I am now. Because I had no other choice.

I think a lot of the stuff we are doing at the moment may not make any sense to us. Despite everyone advising you that contact let alone meeting up is a no go, you had to do it for yourself. This is YOUR journey. Perhaps one day when you have healed from this time in your life you will better understand why things had to happen the way they did.

I do feel tired, shattered even, but like I say, at the moment nothing seems to be enough for me to make that ultimate choice – no more!

I know it in my head, God it is clear as daylight but I just cannot make that bloody decision. I’m shitty with decision making all round in all aspects of my life, I question literally everything so being in this situation is exhausting.

In regards to happiness, yes I genuinely started to think that perhaps we could be. We, just like yourself and your ex, very quickly bounce right back to the old us. Everything over the last month or so finally started falling into place a little bit. I felt maybe not happy but a bit more content? A bit more stable? It is just a real shame that the stuff from his past has crept up and brought us back to square one and now it feels like the beginning all over again. I’m tired, we’ve been here seems like so many times now that I’m starting to question whether I really have it in me to put up a fight and try once more.

I understand his point of the past is the past and it shouldn’t have ruined anything, but it did. It ruined everything.

Sometimes it feels like I am avoiding the unavoidable.. maybe just trying to somehow enjoy any additional time I have with him before the real end comes.

The pact sounds a fantastic idea – and I love that you’ll both be back here one day passing on your own experiences to try to help others too, won’t that be great when you get there.  Your therapist sounds great btw, glad you have someone like that to talk to.

Honestly – the decision to choose to go forwards is the hardest step – everything else from there is hard but you are no longer in the constant whirl of what-if. Kkasxo, sounds like you started down the road and felt this but have looped back round for one more try. I think I was lucky (?!) in that my contact with my ex made it very clear to me very quickly that there was only one way forwards for me – and it was without him. I choose no further contact from that point simply because it was too painful for me and that was the only way I could deal with it once I’d come to that conclusion, however much I hated it.  As you’ve both mentioned, you do have to get to the point you literally can’t go any lower – as then the only way is to choose to crawl back up!  I don’t think it matters that you don’t know what’s next, I didn’t for sure. Realise it’s much scarier than the comforting but painful path of being in a relationship and way forwards that you know. Usually it’s easier to know what you do not want than what you do – so if you don’t want to be unhappy, confused, angry….stop choosing things that make you feel that way….

Entertainingly, a lot of my friends/family were very keen on the helpfully finding other men for me too, I think they just want to see you stop hurting so much and don’t always understand it’s like a death, not a ‘simple’ break-up.  I actually remember bursting into tears the first time I eventually got round to just kissing someone else – the poor guy was most surprised 😉  See – it makes me laugh now and that’s something I never thought would happen!

Hang in there, look forwards to hearing you guys get through this.

Hey both,

Couple of last thoughts from me & then I’ll leave you in peace as aware I’m disturbing your conversation! But glad I’ve helped shed some light on the end of the tunnel for if or when you choose to take that path forwards.

–  First, it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks – at the end of the day these are your lives, your choices and your consequences.  No need to feel embarrassed or anything else about them, just understand what impact the choices have.

–  I really don’t think it is possible to change others, just yourself. Learnt the hard way 🙂 So if you guys want a different outcome in either your relationship or your life, you need to first look to yourself, I believe.

Shelby, it sounds like your relationship broke up twice because your guy wasn’t ready for more – be it marriage, kids, admitting love? So your choice is kinda clear, you can either truly accept that is all he has to give – no secretly hoping for more in time ( been there too….! ) – and enjoy that relationship with this guy. Or choose to continue to want more as your heart tells you but accept this relationship is not going to give you that – and then start to heal yourself. Both choices are absolutely fine,  – what’s probably killing you is hoping for that magical third option…  I would say you never know ( despite how much you want to analyse it out ) what’s in store for the future. You changing and healing yourself may well end up being the catalyst he needs to change himself. It may not. Who knows – but one thing will be true – you won’t be stuck in your painful what if loop.

Kkasxo – as said, no shame whatsoever in trying again whilst you still choose to want to do so. Yes, the consequences of returning to the relationship each time are that this guy has learnt that is what you will do. Again, if you want a different outcome – do different…you can either choose to accept this guy chooses not to be straight with you even when offered an open, clean slate & an understanding partner to do so and stay with him accepting you will not always know the truth, or you can change things choosing freedom from the loop. Your choice each time, always remember that – it’s so easy to think there are no choices but there always are – just not the ones we want usually.

I really really hope it works out well for the both of you – take care.

M

Shelby & Michelle,

I think this evening was definitely the last straw for me. The dishonesty is too much. I have chosen to let go..

I am broken beyond words.