Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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December 19, 2018 at 2:14 am #269935
ShelbyvilleParticipantI’m processing things a little more at this stage.
Im thinking it might not have been a good thing in the long run seeing him. I miss him even more now. I really do want to be back with him and that’s knowing nothing has changed, so what does that say about me?
I honestly don’t know if he felt afterwards that he had done his duty and has absolutely no intention of getting back with me at any point, but is just worried about me at this time of year, or if he is in two minds now.
Confusion continues. Again I can take the advice of earlier posters on this thread and take his actions as truth- if he WANTED to be with me, he would be. But it’s so hard. Everything is opaque to me. Perhaps because my heart doesn’t want me to see it clearly.
How will I ever move on? I want to be happy in life.
December 19, 2018 at 2:23 am #269937
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
It is natural to have the ups and downs of any form of contact. I too had those each and every time but it does get easier each time. I think the best way to proceed is exactly that, accept his words and actions as truth in this particular moment. The point where I started moving forward, even though it hurt the same, is when I physically told myself that there is nothing I can do in this moment in time to change my circumstances with regards to our relationship. There was physically nothing I could have said or done to change his mind. I HAD to deal with the fact that he does not want to be with me. I HAD to move forward – whatever that meant.
Tell yourself that you cannot physically do anything at present and therefore your must continue with life. Whether that is working, exercising, cleaning, listening to music, watching movies, meeting up with friends – whatever it may be you MUST continue. Your heart will hurt for a while longer, it will. You will still think of him, you will still be hurt but you have to give yourself a little kick to keep going. You want to be happy in life and you most definitely deserve to be happy in life and as it stands you are the only one who can make that happen at this moment.
Try and maybe approach this holiday season and new year as a fresh start, new beginning. You will be occupied with family over the festive period and then use the new year as an excuse for a fresh start. Tell yourself that 2019 will be your year! It’ll be a year full of self development, self love and doing everything that you think will make your soul a little lighter!
December 19, 2018 at 4:54 am #269939ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Thanks for the words of advice. I think things are starting to sink in and process a bit more. I’m feeling sad now, I don’t know if it was the right decision meeting him. I think it made me miss him more. But having said that, as you said before, it’s all part of the process and the back & forth can be part of all that.
Im not any clearer I guess, I feel I have an element of hope now which is probably totally misplaced. But I can’t tell if he was nice to me cos he didn’t want to hurt me more or if he liked seeing me and whether he really wants to talk over Xmas or he only said that I’m case I was super sad over Xmas?
Ok, I need to digest for this week I think- with hormones and everything and perhaps in Januaru I will be able to have a slightly new perspective.
How are you doing today?
December 19, 2018 at 5:35 am #269949KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You’re very similar to me in the way that you overthink and over analyse things. I know it is easier said than done but it is also easier for an outsider to see things you may not. Instead of over thinking, try to accept whatever he said as true. I am sure he enjoyed seeing you, after all he does love you and does not want you hurting, I suppose splitting up to him was the lesser of two evils – letting you go on to be happy in your life, or in constant misery because he can’t progress the way you want. He said he would like to speak with you over Christmas. Accept this as true. Don’t think of it as his guilty conscience or a way to repay you for the hurt he caused – he would like to speak to you over Christmas, so provided that you are happy to do this the option is very much there. In fact, I can almost guarantee that he is hoping that you will take him up on his offer and reach out to him over the festive period, he wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise – men are strange human beings like that.
Yes, definitely take time to digest things. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to do whatever it may take to get there you just have to figure out how.
I’m okay today. Had a moment earlier where I began doubting everything again. Also, my father recently found out that me and my ex are in contact again and he is not impressed. My mum said he is extremely upset and cannot forgive him for the pain he caused his daughter (me). Although i can completely understand, it’s of course added a little bit more of the sour taste to the whole situation. Nevertheless it is what it is. I am counting down until Friday to get out of here and start a new in 2019!
December 19, 2018 at 10:03 am #269995ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I think I’m still not learning, whatever it is I’m supposed to be learning. Aren’t all these heart traumas supposed to make us ‘find ourselves’ and become better people in the world? Well I don’t feel I’m doing well in that sense. I feel that I’m exactly where I was when we split. I still love him. I still miss him. I still consider just being with him and asking for nothing more. So I wonder if this will change? You are ABOLUTELY right when you say I’m the only one who can make me happy. But I genuinely have zero clue how to do that.
As for your situation, trust me I had so much anxiety when I got back with my ex and we had a bereavement and my family needed to know we reunited because of the funeral etc, I told the easier members of my family first but dreaded telling my sister. She had been the most one to pick up the pieces and hated him for what he hurting me. I got my brother to tell her and while she was perfectly nice to my ex, I knew it would be a long while before she would accept him. But she did. Time passes and you see your family member heal and be happier and it fades and you get on with things.
Its conpletely understandable that your Dad is upset, had your Mum already known? My Dad would be the same. It’s also a shock for him. So let it sink in. Don’t draw too much attention to it as such, let it just bed in naturally and time will pass and it won’t be so raw for everyone. This has been my experience anyway. I also had the element of would my family be disappointed in me for returning to him, but that worry eventually subsides too.
I can imagine, you’re dying to get away from everything. I’m not looking forward to Xmas, however, my sis and husband and baby are coming home to us for dinner on Xmas day so I’ll be cooking for 6 people which I’m looking forward to. Then my other sister and her family and my other brother will arrive on Boxing Day so it’ll be a bustling house!
Im taking my sister on a Babymoon to a luxury hotel in Jan as she’s due in Feb, so I’m kind of living for that right now!
December 19, 2018 at 1:30 pm #270047KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I think it is especially hard for people like us who feel so deeply and also allow a relationship to take over their whole life to then live how to live completely on their own, for themselves and content at that too. Its hard work. I think this one may take a while so don’t beat yourself up too much. Perhaps start off by filling your days with tiny things that you enjoy. Perhaps a favourite song, movie, a hot bath if you enjoy that, a good book. Then make a promise to yourself to push yourself out of your comfort zone in a little while. Perhaps agree to that bar meet with your friends, or go to the cinema with an old friend – push yourself, if you don’t like it you don’t have to do it again for a little while but then choose to push yourself again and again a little more each time.
I completely understand what you’re saying about the family situation being difficult when you reconcile with an ex, particularly if they’ve witnessed you hit the lowest of the low. It’s ineerstandable and I completely understand my dad. But it just leads me to believe that perhaps too much has happened now to ever really properly fix this… maybe we’re just both trying to hold on to some kind of home to regain our old relationship when in reality that died a long time ago and is not something we’ll ever get back..
You’ve got loads to look forward to with Christmas and new year and also the new member of the family arrival fast approaching! Let that be the thing that keeps you going while you figure out the rest!
December 20, 2018 at 12:10 am #270083ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I’ve definitely kept myself busy over the past month and have been taking up any invitation I receive. But I still couldn’t say I’m ‘happy’ as such. I do things that are not horrible such as going to the cinema with friends or going away for the weekend, but I still feel a void, a loss. I’m reading books and getting some exercise and meeting loads of friends and getting out and about. However, despite my best efforts, I still miss him and would rather being doing all that stuff with him. We will see if this changes with time as people keep assuring me. I’m worried it won’t.
Sometimes the drama can overtake the relationship, that’s true, it’s hard to know. A lot has seemed to happened with your ex and I supposed it’s still relatively raw for those who care about you. If you reunited in a year say, things might have settled down a bit more and the bad taste would not be as bitter. At the end of the day though, do what YOU need to do. Even if every single person you know disagrees with your choice, if it makes you happy, then it’s worth it isn’t it?
I’m looking forward to the new arrival in one way but apprehensive too for some reason, maybe because it could highlight that I’m not where I thought I would be at this stage in my relationship/life.
I’m finished work tomorrow until after Boxing Day so I’m looking forward to a bit of a break. I’ve been going going going so much lately (trying to distract myself I guess), that I’m exhausted! I’ll think about whether I want to hear from my ex over Christmas next week. I don’t have the mental capacity for it at the moment.
Only one more sleep for you?
December 20, 2018 at 5:30 am #270109KkasxoParticipantShelby,
As long as you are keeping busy with things that you somewhat enjoy that is a start in itself. You may not feel happy or really enjoy things for a little while but there will come a day where you won’t feel as bad as the previous and that’ll be the beginning of your journey.. I honestly wish that for you!
Yes, I will do whatever it is I need to do to keep me sane and happy. The issue is right now I haven’t quite figured out what that is just yet.. I’m hoping to get there sooner rather than later, until then I will just leave things as they are.
I know what you mean about feeling apprehensive about the new niece/nephew. I too get like that when I hear a friend has gotten engaged or getting married or having a baby. I suppose in a way it is just a reminder for me of just how far I am from those things, it is a real kick in the gut! Nonetheless, we just have to keep striving forward! We have to do whatever it is to set our lives up so that we too can have these things in the future! I do always end up feeling like the odd one out in the family. I can so picture my younger sister being married and settled before me.. in a sense it makes me feel a bit like a failure. Guess there’s the whole thing as an older sibling to want to set an example to the younger ones, well i’m not a great example at all with everything I’ve been through! It’s quite sad..
Yes! One more sleep and then I’m off! We are driving to my home country so the journey itself will be approx. 20 hours which I am absolutely dreading BUT I am so looking forward to getting out of here, away from the reality of my life and to spend quality time with family members I don’t see that often!
December 20, 2018 at 6:11 am #270127ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I find at the moment, I’m not ready to move on. I mean I could try, but I’d be fooling myself, I just want to be with him. I know it’s silly, but I guess my judgment is clouded right now. I’ll keep posting over Xmas anyway with the various dilemmas that will no doubt emerge for me, so even if you’re not online, you’ll be able to catch up.
That journey sounds like an ordeal, but if it’s broken up with regular stops, it might not be too bad. Plus the excitement of a break and spending time with your loved ones, will spur you on when you’re fading!
A colleague brought his new born baby into work today to meet everyone and I felt so happy for him but so lonesome in a way. Not because I want ‘a baby’ per se. But more that I won’t have a baby with my ex, which for me kind of means ever.
Only one more day working here and I can have a sleep on – I forget what they look like!
December 21, 2018 at 9:01 am #270315KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Perhaps you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel better or to feel like you should be over him.. I remember right at the beginning of our contact I felt that way. I was some three/four months in and felt absolutely broken, like no progress had been made at all. But we have to remember that you spent many years of your life with this person, how in the hell are you meant to get over him within weeks? Especially when you were happy with him and didn’t want to split?!
I think heartbreak goes in stages, from my experience anyway. A whole load of sadness, denial, then anger, then the whole thing of IM MOVING THE F ON! And then a whole load of sadness and despair and denial and I WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET HIM BACK! And it kinda just jumps in between those stages from one day to another… but each low day is a little better than the previous low day but yes it is just existing.. it isn’t a happy life.
Try to welcome this festive period as a different kind of distraction and tell yourself that you’ll most likely continue feeling sad for the next few months BUT you will do whatever it is to make your days a little brighter. Make a promise to yourself to do whatever it may be that’ll make you feel just a glimpse of happiness on that day.
We have been on the road for 6 hours now, another 16 to go!
December 21, 2018 at 6:22 pm #270371ShelbyvilleParticipantWow, that is some long journey! I don’t envy that part, but the reward at the end will most certainly been worth it!
Thanks so much for the advice. I went to therapy this evening before the New Year. We went through the interaction and he said I was given no indication of change on his part. Nothing further was offered, so it’s confirmed for me. I sat there nodding etc & then I just said ‘NO, it’s not sinking in!!! I just can’t feel that yet for some reason’ (prob denial).
So we are where we are in life. I’m still holding onto that Oct date in my mind to see how well we’re both doing I hope!!!
Tomorrow I’m going to a gig with my cousin. Both of us aren’t very much into the band but we’re trying to push ourselves to socialise!
Hopefully the night time party of the journey will go by quicker for you.
December 22, 2018 at 4:41 pm #270499ShelbyvilleParticipantI’m struggling a little tonight. I was doing okay until a social media post of ex’s friend popped up and now there are lots of scenarios going round in my head about where his mate is and are they out together and are the two hot girls in the picture friends or new acquaintances. Is it a boys night etc.
I guess this is stuff I’ll have to get used to, but it’s brings no small amount of pain thinking about it.
@kkasxo I hope u made it safely to your destinationDecember 25, 2018 at 11:38 am #270851ShelbyvilleParticipantHi all,
I hope you are having a happy Christmas if you celebrate this holiday. It can be a hard time for some and I hope you’re doing ok.
December 31, 2018 at 1:40 pm #271697ShelbyvilleParticipantHappy New Year Tiny Buddha community!
Im not going to make it to midnight as I’m feeling poorly and need my bed. It can be a lonesome time of year so I hope you are doing okay.
I was due to meet my ex today but he seems to have ghosted me so maybe it serves me right for holding out hope.
Wishing you strength for each of your journeys in 2019.
S x
January 1, 2019 at 6:32 am #271809ShelbyvilleParticipantHappy New Year all, I am just going to continue posting on this thread as I find it somewhat therapeutic.
A quick summary- my ex broke up with me 3.5 months ago, we’ve had periods of no contact and lately I have been reaching out again.
He has no spurned my attempts at contact, nor can I say he’s been over enthusiastic about them either. I spoke to him on the phone last night after midnight and he was still working in his family business and was exhausted. He seemed curt at first but then loosened out as the conversation went on. We didn’t discuss anything serious, just chit chat and I explained that i’ve been ill and didn’t make it out for NYE.
I suggested meeting for a chat soon and he agreed. I told him there is no pressure whatsoever to do so, but I felt like he agreed because he was caught on the spot and didn’t want to say no directly.
If I’m honest, I would say he would prefer no contact, not because I think he doesn’t care but because he’s just trying to get over the breakup and it’s the best way I guess. Me on the other hand, I don’t know what I’m doing. Trying to get the relationship back I suppose, but probably not thinking about it logically or long term.
This is the most difficult thing I’ve faced in my life. I would love to be a woman who says ‘his loss’ and goes on to live her best life, but I’m just lost and miss him beyond measure. Despite the problems which have faded behind the Rose-tinted glasses it seems.
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