Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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December 1, 2018 at 3:30 pm #267327
Victoria
Participant
Evening Kkasxo and Shelby,

So I am now broke, my family are giving me the silent treatment (which on one hand is nice but also isolating and i’m worried about them but too stubborn to call) and single after breaking my ex’s heart for the second time.

I just felt like things could be fixed if it wasn’t long-distance and if my mind didn’t overthink too much. I had a relaxing weekend with him but the same old issues lingered, paranoia and feeling pressurised to fix things. Anita, wrote on “lone wolf” how it may be best for me to have distance from my mother and boyfriend, which I agreed with and ended things.

I had to be honest with myself, which I find easy, however acting upon it, not so easy. I realised that our issues cannot be fixed overnight and its going to be ten times harder in a long distance situation. I’m going to try and see if I can get counselling to start in January and try to build myself up (get out more, do some actual exercise). It’s difficult because I do love him but now I know why they say sometimes love isn’t enough, in our case its just bad timing, I need to build on my confidence, find a job and find the belief in myself I used to have before it was whitled down by sly comments and emotional manipulation (from my mum).

How can you get into a relationship with someone then hurt them so much? how can you promise someone the world then just ruin their world?!

One moment I am so grateful to have him in my life and then the next moment I feel trapped. I think whilst I am feeling so up and down it is unfair on me to carry on being in a relationship with him. I want him to be happy, and even though he may be happy with me I believe he deserves better, someone who wouldn’t hurt him like this.

I have spent my evening watching a movie and building a jigsaw. I am trying to occupy myself from messaging him as usual my mind is overthinking he will do something stupid, even though I know he will just be downing shots at a party and feeling a bit shit, and I watch too many documentaries.

I guess I got what I wanted, which was to be in charge of my own fate, to feel in control, so why do I feel so scared?

I will read your posts and reply to them. I feel bad for coming back and posting, then going away for a bit then coming back and posting, but about myself.

He agreed that he will be my friend but I must give him time to process stuff etc I feel bad that I have even put him in that position, because ultimately I will never see him as a friend and I will always love him. urgh, great now I’m crying.

– V
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Victoria.
December 1, 2018 at 4:41 pm #267331

Victoria
Participant

Kkasxo, Shelby,

Please bare with me as that was a lot to read and take in. If I miss any important points out I apologise.

@Kkasxo – Congratulations on the raise (: and I think you are brave to try things again with your ex. From what you have said it does seem like he is trying to see things from your point of view, for example texting you saying it won’t be that bad if you come in the house etc. It is survival to be on good times with our families because in our society they bring us up and support us emotionally/financially until we have our own livelihoods carved out, so I do see why people try to be a peacemaker and try to mediate a situation rather than turn around and say “im choosing my gf, stop having an issue with her and just be nice for once”, and if he still lives at home then I can understand why he may be hesitant to actually follow through with actions. I hope that makes sense, I guess all I am saying is it seems like he may be seeing your point of view and may be starting to decide to be a partner to you and realising the damage he caused for you from the trauma of your breakup.

I resonate with previous feelings from a certain situation coming back and haunting you, it sucks because you almost have to reassure yourself it isn’t the same situation.

“”I have promised myself that 2019 will be my year. A year full of self discovery and development. Trying to learn about myself again. After all of the events of 2018 I feel I am a completely different person and I need to get to know her from scratch. What am I really about now?! What is it I want from my life? What makes me happy?! ” – I agree with this, definitely a shared mission.

@Shelbyville – Congratulations on the presentations!

“He says it’s millions of years of evolution, where our unconscious mind has developed a mechanism called grief to ensure we survive. So when my unconscious feels it’s let in enough of the pain at a time, it gives a break and reprieve so it’ll only give me enough that I can cope with at any given time.”” – our bodies and minds are amazing and I believe that even though we do not see it everyday we are mentally healing and even when I get a wave of feeling overwhelmed or feeling upset I have to remind myself it will pass and its my mind processing things.

“guess special moments in life are made more special by sharing them with the one you love.” – I feel like that but with everything in my life, I usually phone my boyfriend on my way home and he’s the only person who I have felt actually cares about the little things in my day, nevermind the big things. This is going to be hard around Christmas as I have spent the last 4 Christmases with him and his family.

“”Something HAD to change otherwise they would end up in same place again, so the guy either came to his senses and settled down or made a commitment or gave up booze” – I agree with this, the problem is I need to change, my mindset and my lifestyle.

“”My elderly relative passed away” – I am sorry to hear this but I am glad to hear that it was peaceful.

Update: I didn’t go to the interview, however the validation of being given the opportunity gives me hope. I decided that I am trying to do ten billion things at once but then feeling weighed down and doing none of it. I am behind my peers and I feel like I am playing catch-up. I am currently suppose to be applying to placements but every application I don’t like, I don’t feel ready and just realised if I do a placement I won’t be graduating with the people I have started this journey with. However, if I do not get a placement it may affect my application when I finish university and well [insert even more overthinking!]. Any advice would be helpful, it’s fine being in the bubble of education and its taken me so long to get to where I am today I swear I am institutionalised to the system. I can’t help but be accutely aware of what employers want from me and how I am not doing any of it currently because my mental health isn’t great (e.g. the last two months I have missed so many lectures its embarrassing because it isn’t a true representation of my core values of being on time etc etc)

– V

December 2, 2018 at 4:20 am #267381

Shelbyville
Participant

Hi there,

You seem to have a lot going on Victoria. I hope the right path becomes clear for you soon. Have you availed of any counselling since to help give you some insight?

I reaonate with what you say about your boyfriend caring about the little things in your life. I mean, my ex probably didn’t really care about every tiny detail in my life, but nonetheless, he listened and was at the end of the phone for anything I needed to vent about. He was always on my side, and I felt I had someone in my corner, not like family and friends who of course are always there for me, but it was nice having one person just for you. Or so I thought.

Ive had a really difficult morning. The whole night was spent dreaming of him and ya being together and him changing his mind and me being down in his home. It was horrendous when I woke up. What on earth can I do? I’m doing stuff everyday to try and get over this, but we can’t exactly control our unconscious dreams.

I am mad today too. I’m really mad that I’m suffering so much and he’s not. He can’t be, because his heart didn’t break- mine did. He never committed his heart fully therefore he never risked breaking it. I want him to know how much I’m hurt and lost. Every single piece of advice would go against meeting him to discuss it because what on earth would I expect to get out of it? More pain? I don’t know, but I feel I’m slowing breaking into a shadow of my former self and I don’t want him to be okay. I want him to at least be torn up a little by guilt, that he doesn’t get to easily sail off into the distance.

I still have respect for him, so it wouldn’t be a conversation of abuse etc, but I would like to explain how I feel and what the decision has meant for me. I don’t know, will i suffer badly if I decide to do it?

December 2, 2018 at 10:35 am #267419

Kkasxo
Participant

Victoria,

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend/mum situation. I do hope that with this new space and distance will come some clarity for you. It is clear you’re in an extremely difficult situation in your personal life. I can relate completely to feeling overwhelmed and lost, it’s often how I describe myself and my situation..

Shelby,

Sorry to hear about your night! I too have been having awful dreams of my ex recently – mainly to do with him seeing other women. Now this one literally feels like a physical stab to the heart. Honestly, how can one experience physical reactions and pain to dreams?!

In regards to meeting up/contacting your ex to discuss how you’ve been feeling, many people In sure will advise against it. ‘Sometimes we don’t get all of our questions answered’ ‘You’ll end up hurting more’ etc etc.. However, from personal experience (and having been speaking with yourself for some weeks now we are quite similar in that way) getting every tiny detail off my chest, whether he wanted to hear it or respond to it was necessary for me. I will admit that I wrote him quite extensive messages explaining exactly the damage he caused to me and what that meant. I was very honest, almost brutal. More often than not I either didn’t get a response or I got one along the lines of ‘I’m sorry I wish I could help’ which frustrated me even more, YOU CAN HELP YOU IDIOT!!!! IF ONLY YOU VARED ENOUGH!! But, it did settle my mind and gave me the peace to decide to move on. And for that reason I would say if that is what sits right with you then go for it. I won’t deny that the likelihood is yes you might feel worse before you feel better but you WILL feel better after it, I promise you. I know I did…

December 2, 2018 at 3:38 pm #267449

Victoria
Participant

Dear Shelby,

Unfortunately even if you meet up with him to discuss things, he may not show you any sort of emotion that could show guilt or sadness. I apologise if you have mentioned this but what was his reason for ending things? Do you just miss him being a part of your life? Or do you miss the man you got on with so well? How’s therapy going?

I have not sought therapy just yet, it is on my never-ending to-do list haha However, I have booked a gp appointment which I will be using to discuss my mental health and see where I go from there, ultimately my current remedy is to get into reading fiction again, go outside more and force myself to meet new people/socialise.

I have previously had some therapy and even though it helped it was rather draining, I suppose at the moment I am doing okay and I think a support group would be sufficient enough. But my feelings about it all go up and down, so tomorrow I might change my mind.

I hope you have a better night tonight (:

– V

December 2, 2018 at 3:49 pm #267453

Victoria
Participant

Dear Kkasxo,

In terms of my mum, she has caused this divide and issue herself. Time and time again she has attacked me for my life choices, purposely upset me and even though there is a part of me that wants to reconcile that part of me is small because she has hurt me a lot and the worst part is she doesn’t recognise this, and even if there is a part of her that does she will never sincerely apologise. It has taken me five years of trying to fix things and ultimately, it is a vicious cycle that needs to be broken because I question myself enough, I do not appreciate other people doing it as well.

I am on a journey to surround myself with people who actually like me and who do not want to pick me apart to boost their own messed up ego. However, due to the baggage from this relationship it may take a while, at this point I would just like to feel content and hope this anxiety will die down in time, the more I do things that really speak to me and manage stress the more I will find that I will feel okay again.

In terms of my ex, I just hope he is doing okay and I am sad that I hurt him so much. I am in a bit of a place where I don’t think I can trust myself to tell anyone ever again that I love them and part of me doesn’t believe I will love anyone in the same way. But I felt like we needed to do our own thing for a while, if we reconnect in the future then that would be fantastic and I will hopefully be in a better place.

Today I actually dyed my hair a colour that makes me feel like “me” again, joined an exercise group (which I am going to force myself to go to even if I’m tired/nervous) and had a productive day.

An exercise I thought we could all do (@shelbyville) is a vision board, I know I’m not sure what I want to do in a week or in the next hour, but it might help us feel better and more focused on what we might want in 2019, I feel like all my plans with my ex have evaporated and I’m left piecing together what I can still do that was on the list on my own. Although I do get tired of spending so much time on my own.

– V

December 2, 2018 at 3:57 pm #267455

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Thanks for the support, it’s hard to explain to other people, but we definitely have similar approaches I think. I’m not as bad tonight in terms of wanting to contact, just had bday dinner with my darling family, so I’ll put the idea on the shelf until it arises again. (Prob tomo!)

Victoria,

My ex told me he cared about me more than anyone else in the world but ‘isn’t cut out to be with anyone’. Like ever. Apparently. We were 4 years together almost, but he struggled to be on the same page as me, liked being with me on a daily basis but freaked if we ever came close to making a future plan. It’s tough, I miss him dearly.

Good for you going to see a GP. You’re taking control. You’re also working on you- that’s such a positive self aware step. It’s not easy. By any means. This forum knows exactly how hard it is, so hang in there. You’re doing your absolute best.

December 3, 2018 at 4:46 am #267509

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

Happy birthday doll! I hope you enjoy your special day and being surrounded by those that you love and love you dearly! I hope you have a lovely week off 🙂

We are all here to support one another, through the ups and downs. And yes I agree, sometimes it is difficult to explain the need of contact to someone who only sees black and white. As I say, for me that was what I needed. Regardless of where I am at right now I knew that I needed to have that conversation to allow my mental to move past it. There is just something that feels a lot like relief when you finally release all the things you have been holding in. It’s not enough just writing them down or even discussing with someone that those thoughts aren’t meant for. On that note though, if you do decide to go for it, whether it be a letter, email, text or you do decide to reach out to meet with him just bare in mind that you likely will not receive the response your heart would want (rather you’ll probably receive the one your rational mind is already prepared for or none at all). But that’s okay. At this stage you are not looking for a response, you are looking for a moment of complete release. I hope you make the choice that works best for YOU, don’t worry about what other people say! Everyone will always have an opinion!

December 3, 2018 at 2:34 pm #267647

Shelbyville
Participant

Aw thank you Kkasxo, I appreciate it.

Today was tough, I struggled with sadness & loss- mostly felt in my tummy or swipes at my heart. But I tackled my thoughts all day, I tried to turn to gratitude whenever I felt the loss. Grateful for family & friends who are so good to me.

I wont lie, I thought I might have received a text from him today. Who am I kidding? There’s been nothing. It seems I’m the only one the penny still hasn’t dropped for.

I do feel like venting to him but I don’t know what it’ll achieve so I don’t pro-actively plan it.

How was your day?

December 4, 2018 at 9:29 am #267765

Shelbyville
Participant

Hi all,

Tough evening again this evening. Just trying to manage the loss. I wish I could stop thinking about it. The urge to contact him remains.

When I actually consider doing it I get scared and my therapist explains that this is because I know what the outcome will be – and it will just reaffirm that it’s over. So I get scared of doing it.

He has advised me not to make contact, to protect my dignity. He says he will support me no matter what, but if the only purpose is to see have things changed, when clearly they haven’t, then I’m going to experience another dip.

I asked if the urge to make contact would continue and he says it goes away with time. I wish I could believe that right now. I’m mad and sad in equal measure. Has this been anyone else’s experience?

December 4, 2018 at 10:29 am #267783

Brandy
Participant

Hi Shelby,

I wish you weren’t having such a tough evening. Yes, the urge to make contact will go away with time.

You wrote that your therapist says if the only purpose (for contacting your ex) is to see if things have changed, when clearly they haven’t, then I’m going to experience another dip. I agree with your therapist, but you have other purposes for contacting your ex, right? You stated in an earlier post that I want him to know how much I’m hurt and lost. I don’t want him to be okay. I want him to at least be torn up a little by guilt, that he doesn’t get to easily sail off into the distance. Shelby, contacting him for these reasons will ultimately make things worse for you.

I may have missed some things throughout this thread but my recollection is that your ex is a good guy and that the reason you two broke up was because he wasn’t able to give you all you needed. If you need to say some things to him for closure, I can understand that. But don’t say things to him with the goal of making him feel bad.

You are making progress while maintaining your dignity. I can see it, Shelby! I can see your progress. Remember, progress is not linear so you’re going to have bad days. When you do, get back on track. Keep moving forward.

B

December 4, 2018 at 11:10 am #267795

Shelbyville
Participant

Thanks Brandy for the advice.

If I’m honest with myself, the purpose of contacting my ex is to keep the connection alive. Perhaps to stop his healing & moving forward I guess so that he doesn’t get over me and move on. I’m thinking out loud now, but I figure I’m hoping it will do something. That it will change the situation I’m in, for the better.

I have been doing meditation sporadically lately and I’m noticing, it’s resulting in a very upset and crampy tummy. It used to be a source of solace and calm for me, but lately I’ve had to stop mid-meditation when my tummy gets so bad, because it’s too hard to not be focused on that and also I usually need to hold a cushion or heatpack to it to get it to eventually settle down.

Its presumably anxiety but I don’t know the trigger as such.

December 4, 2018 at 12:06 pm #267797

Julissa
Participant

Hi Shelbyville,

You may not believe in astrology but we are currently in mercury retrograde. If you don’t know what that is, I encourage you look it up. My best friend ended our friendship last Thursday and my heart has been distraught. I love that man more than I’ve ever loved another being that wasn’t my blood. Please know you are not alone and this retrograde is affecting us all. I truly feel for you and I hope you get passed this if your relationship does not rekindle. Love is unbearable for some of us. The pain is so hard to describe yet so painful to endure. Hearing you explain your anxiety made me know I’m not just the only one. Try a yoga class, download some meditation apps. It’s been helping me, I hope it’ll help you too.

December 4, 2018 at 12:20 pm #267799

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

Sorry it feels like things aren’t getting better for you.. but honestly you are doing SO well! I can completely relate to the feeling of wanting your ex to reach out on an occasion like a birthday – I had the same back in October. I think it’s quite petty that he didn’t, considering the length of time you guys spent together but I guess it just goes back to that thing of we can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves.

You do what YOU need to do or think you should do to help you move forward. For me, after much thought that was exactly that one last conversation. I knew it had to happen otherwise despite my better judgement and all the advice given from everyone around me, my thoughts would always wander back to how? why? Etc and I would end up dwelling on/wasting a lot of time on it.

What’s the plan for tomorrow?! Are you keeping busy?

December 4, 2018 at 1:26 pm #267817

Shelbyville
Participant

Julissa,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friendship. Trust me, I understand the pain. I know a little bit about astrology so maybe you’re right- maybe that’s why I feel like taking ‘retrograde’ steps.

I must get back to yoga, I did it years ago. I have downloaded meditation app which I used to find great, but lately it’s making my tummy topsy turvy.

Kkasxo,

I still feel I want to contact him, despite advice, but I am scared that I’ll end up worse. I think he didn’t text because he’s trying to move and contact doesn’t help that situation.

Tomorrow my work friend- the young woman who thinks we should rent a place together- has planned a day of surprises for my bday. Because I don’t know what’s planned, I’m anxious, but I’m sure it’ll be fun.

My ex’s best friend messaged me on social media to say happy birthday too. I was surprised tbh as I always thought he never liked me more than just my ex’s plus one.

What am I not doing? Are there things I’m doing wrong or not doing that is halting me getting over him?
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