Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic has 2,306 replies, 63 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 8, 2018 at 12:19 pm #229807

Victoria
Participant

Unfortunately there is not one reason why I ended it. As a summary I would say a lot of little things just built up and I exploded due to anxiety of everything.

Last summer I had a negative drug experience which caused me to mistrust him which haunted me for months because I had never questioned weather I trusted him or not. Then we had a stint where we tried to have an “open relationship” which ended up with me feeling like I had been unfaithful and I couldn’t handle the guilt, so I suppose the guilt turned into panic and I hit the eject button as it were.

I believe that we need some time apart and if we got back together it would need to be after some time where I am ready to commit to the relationship without fear.

The reason that I ended it doesn’t really have anything to do with him. The only niggle I have is that I felt second best at times which lead to insecurity/jealousy which was conflicting because he proved time and time again that i’m his first priority and I knew in a rational mindset I didn’t have to worry.

In conclusion to my ramble it was the clique “its not you its me” except the guy wants to be by my side whilst I deal with certain issues.

October 8, 2018 at 12:24 pm #229811

Victoria
Participant

Hi Shelby, I have a sort of breakup buddie, I live with someone who helped me this morning via text.

I’m on my 4th week and I do feel a little bit better. I distracted myself by drawing today which is something that REALLY helped and an activity I haven’t done for years.

October 8, 2018 at 12:32 pm #229813

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

It sounds like you have stuff you’d like to deal with so good for you. Sounds like you did the right (albeit harrowing) thing for both of you.

Ive been journaling a lot as my creative outlet but most of the time, it’s just rambling circles of nonsense! I’m glad you have a buddy to help you out, I’d be lost without my family & friends.

My anxiety did not hit as bad today but I did have a little panic attack in counselling when I spoke about my ex moving on with someone else.

Life ain’t easy sometimes, for no apparent reason. x

October 8, 2018 at 1:36 pm #229835

Victoria
Participant

Shelby,

I’m happy to hear your anxiety wasn’t as bad today (: I’ve been to hell and back with anxiety so all the advice I can give is that when you do or if you have a panic attack remember it is a fight/flight reaction and the max amount of time it can last is 20 minutes. It is understandable why you had a little attack over your ex moving on to someone else. I am aware that a lot of that is most likely information you are already aware of.

Unrelated, but my breakup-buddie is sort of around, like they just cooked food then left with their boyfriend, so im on my own with my thoughts again (yay! *sarcasm*). I should add that that is completely fine for them, but if I’m getting any anxiety its not being helped by any abandonment issues I have (but thats for another day lol)

I have also been journalling, a lot of it has been short summaries, lists and a lot of “why have you done this?! arrghh!” written across the page haha

October 8, 2018 at 1:48 pm #229837

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby, Victoria,

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one doodling in my notes hehe! I’ve been keeping a ‘thought diary’ since the beginning and I can quite honestly say I sound like a bipolar person. One moment it’s a ‘I hate you’ and the next it’s ‘I love you, please come back’..

I started journaling to not burden my friends every time I had a low moment. I unfortunately don’t have a breakup buddy but one of my friends has been my absolute rock throughout!

October 8, 2018 at 3:08 pm #229841
Victoria
Participant
Shelby, kkasxo,

Im having a weak moment..

After talking about my coping mechanisms, tonight is difficult. my friend (also the one who acted as a breakup buddie this morning) cooked tea then just left with her boyfriend.

I feel like a burden as I keep asking when people are in or out, but my anxiety flares up with sudden change/abandoment.

So tonight I am highly anxious, im trying to breathe and calm down so I can sleep but its not working.

Anxiety is something by boyfriend was a rock about and always knew what to say/help me out. I am currently sat here with my thoughts 100 miles per hour.

I feel like he hasnt done anything and i have a lot of issues which seem to be present weather im in the relationship or not, it just seemed easier to cope with when i was in the relationship.

I am sat here and as mad as it sound I just want to call him and at least ask if we could meet up in a month or two? see if we have any feelings left/try fix things.

Or maybe I should go and see a therapist, im coping to a point right now but I dont feel like I have the support. I need to make new friends but it shouldnt be with the motivation of “ill have someone to call at 11pm when im an anxious wreck”.

But there were issues with the relationship and I dont know if I have the strength to build trust back up (idk why), so by trying to fix things do I just want to know ill see him one last time?

When we broke up we were both in floods of tears so it was difficult for both of us. But its crazy to just cut someone out your life, idk how some guys do that (like ghosting and stuff).

Sorry this is a bit of an anxious ramble but reaching out to others helps.

ps This convo has saved me tonight and helped me in SO many ways. Thank you!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Victoria.
October 8, 2018 at 9:31 pm #229877

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

i know that feeling well. Don’t be afraid, you’re not alone. It’s scary to deal with anxiety, but it’s a feeling, it’s horrible & uncomfortable but it’s a feeling- it can’t hurt you. Say to yourself, ‘ok I hear you anxiety, I’m lonely, that’s ok and natural. This too shall pass’. And it does. Eventually.

I would strongly recommend speaking to a therapist, without mine, I don’t think I would have been able to handle anything. They are a godsend and have helped dozens of people like us, so they know what’s going on.

I’ve had a particularly difficult night twisting and turning with a knot in my stomach. But tomorrow might be better, I hope.

S x

October 9, 2018 at 12:41 am #229881

Shelbyville
Participant

Also, I read this article and found it useful. Understanding it a big thing for me.

Getting Over Them After a Breakup: When we wonder how long it will take to get over them or why we’re not over them yet

October 9, 2018 at 12:55 am #229883

Kkasxo
Participant

Well ladies, he reached out to me last night..

I’m very proud to confirm I didn’t entertain it or respond. I know why he reached out.

Becauae we haven’t got one another on social media anymore he decided to upload updates on his whatsapp as that is the only place I can now see updates (he’s never done this before). So although I know his number off by heart I thought it would be a good idea to delete it off my phone, that way I don’t see his updates. That as a regular has removed my photo etc from his whatsapp. He messaged me saying ‘Did you receive your birthday present?’ to check if I had blocked him as my photo disappeared.

its really annoying that after days of not speaking he thought it would be a good idea to bring up something so irrelevant. He knows I did not receive a card or gift from him.

So progress ladies. I’m very proud of myself. Onto day 5 of no contact! Bring on the 11th!

I hope you’re both feeling okay this morning!

October 9, 2018 at 1:06 am #229885

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Do you realise how well you are doing? I don’t think I’d have the resolve to manage that. Well done. That in itself is progress.

It’s not easy, but you’re getting there, bit by bit, inch by inch.

S x

October 9, 2018 at 2:14 am #229897

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

Honestly it is almost unlike me. If this was last week, I would’ve responded within minutes, just because that is the sort of person that I am.

I do believe that your mention of not wanting to go back on your own progress is what encouraged me not to respond. I know if I do respond, it will open up an opportunity to continue a pointless and meaningless conversation – causing yet more confusion and heartache.

Yes I will not deny that I’ve had more low’s than highs in the process. But I think my peace of mind has finally become more important to me than a brief conversation with him..

That is progress indeed!

October 9, 2018 at 2:23 am #229899

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

I think that’s what they call ‘progress’….oh that sweet sweet word! My therapist says I’m so keen on either feeling better instantly or retrieving what I can’t have, I’m just not willing to sit and be. Sometimes we just have to feel the emotion which is gross and uncomfortable and shakes us to our cores.

I’m not entirely convinced I can do that as I feel, work would be off the cards then and many other things and at least I have been able to function, in body, if not in spirit.

I know I haven’t accepted what has happened. I just know it. But apparently that’s normal. A friend told me this morning that time and distant cause you to accept it, without your knowledge in a way. It’s a subconscious thing. Every day that passes without contact, you start to sort of forget what it was like talking to them or doing things with them. It becomes a little fuzzier, not so high definition as it might be at the moment.

I hope you get through the 11th ok, my birthday and what would have been our anniversary are coming up in the next few months and I imagine it will be acute torture. But nobody who experiences heartbreak gets out of it unscathed. But forums like this demonstrate that there are millions who suffer like us and millions don’t die of a broken heart every day, so people must be getting through it.Somehow. Even if we don’t know how just yet.

It’s a great comfort having this forum to post on.

S x

October 9, 2018 at 2:49 am #229901

Kkasxo
Participant

I know exactly what she means. I’m the same. Constantly looking for an instant high, something to lift my spirits or make me happy instantly or I’m very low, sulking on everything that has happened. I can’t just sit around and be content with that is.

Accepting what has happened is another difficult one. I don’t think I have done this either. I still in the back of my mind am hoping that this is some sort of bad dream which will soon end. I think that is why the wait for the 11th to pass.. I guess somewhere I am hoping for some kind of miracle to happen maybe?

My birthday was most definitely tough. Really really tough. And I know that the 11th will also be absolute torture. But what choice do I have but to just get through it? None at all.

I am just pleased with myself and the progress I am making in that I have not responded to him. I don’t know how long it will last but nonetheless I am proud. I don’t think it is appropriate for him to approach me in that way with everything else going on.

He could’ve simply asked how I was doing.. and even then why ask when you already know?! As far as I am concerned we have nothing to discuss at present moment unless he wants to discuss our breakup.

October 9, 2018 at 3:05 am #229905

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

I agree, he shouldn’t have contacted you. It’s all very unfair. But humans are humans and we don’t always behave the best way possible. I’m lucky in one sense that my ex truly was/is a gentleman and I know we won’t contact me for two reasons – one: nothing has changed and two: he doesn’t want to cause me more pain or to prolong a process.

That’s great an all, but I just want to hear from him but I know what he’s doing is for the best. Your ex is struggling too I suspect, to let go, same as we’re trying to let go. We know it’s not going to work, but tell our hearts that. Your ex is just a little less strong than you and not able to rise above as well as you to do what’s best for all.

Maybe the 11th will be a catalyst for you, everyone needs something, some target to reach that might help them make a decision or a step in a certain direction and remember, if you find Thursday tough, pop on your phone or computer to the forum. I’ll be here! x

October 9, 2018 at 3:32 am #229907

Kkasxo
Participant

He’s definitely struggling. I know that although he doesn’t show this very well.

When we first split up we basically went cold turkey for a little while and didn’t speak. Or kept in very very light contact about mutual things that we haven’t had closure on I.e shared accounts etc. Then he eventually showed up and decided to open up about his struggle. He mentioned that he may look like he’s getting on okay when in actual fact he’s just trying to keep himself busy in order to not contact me and make the situation even more confusing than it already is. We’re both struggling I guess..

I think I’m just more concerned with my peace now than anything else. I would love nothing more than to reply to him but it really isn’t going to change anything at all! If anything, it’ll just bring me back to square one! Waiting on his reply.. what if he doesn’t reply?! I’ll be going crazy! So no reply is the way forward!

I’m sure i’ll be on here in the days leading up to the 11th and on the day itself! This forum has been an absolute God sent and you girls are what’s keeping me going in a sense so thank you!
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