Kkasxo,

Apologies, I just went to click reply to your last post and I clicked report by accident, my bad! Sorry! They really should keep those buttons far away from each other!

Counselling can definitely be daunting if you have never done it before, it might seem awkward opening up to a stranger. But remember two things, they are trained in exactly what you’re going through and they absolutely have NO judgement, they really don’t, not matter completely off the wall stuff you experience. Within 6 weeks, it can really help change your frame of mind.

I know things are clear on my ex’s part. He is done. I wish my betraying heart would allow me to accept that, but there are varying levels of denial and acceptance going on. But yes, the lack of contact or hope or decision making means I don’t really have a choice but to move on. There is nothing I can do to change it, despite me spending many many hours, trying to find a way to change it. It is what it is and I guess you do need that.

In terms of your ex, he probably is lost and that is why is so eager to get you back too as you are someone who loves him and grounds him and is there for him, but realistically he probably needs to work on that on his own. Two lost people together could become very confusing and tricky with the potential for more unintentional hurt.

I was worried about taking medication too and I was aware of the warnings etc. Every single person reacts differently, but I’ll give you mine, but I hasten to add again – everyone is different. I was put on a relatively low dose two years ago and was told it would take 2 weeks and I may get worse first. This is what happened for me – I was completely lost and scared and anxious. Within 8 days I started to feel better, it was like a black foggy cloud, where I believed I would never get better, started to lift and I could think more sensibly and normally. I never went ‘down’ first as many people had described, I slowly just started to get my normality back and started to feel better. Within a year I had halved that low dosage and while I experienced a small flutter more of anxiety – or rather more worry than anxiety, coming off it, with the help of counselling is not as hard as people say. Of course it depends on the particular drug, but it’s all about weaning, bit by bit, till it’s gone.

For me, work has really been distracting me today thankfully. I drove to the pool last night with my swim gear on and everything but I drove straight home again. My tummy just felt off and I couldn’t force myself. Maybe next time!

My presentation is next week and now it seems I have a total of 3 to do on 3 different days, eek!! I’m in denial about them at the moment, until the 11th hour! The pain is not as bad today but it could come again tomorrow as Im on a day off. Hopefully not.

Kkasxo,

Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I still love my ex and have not fallen out of love with him yet. I wish we could be back together but my rational side is more in control today and I realise we couldn’t be in two different places. It just doesn’t work that way. Actually you mentioned your ex and gettting a mortgage and I remember one evening my ex said to me he was thinking of putting a bid on a really cheap house in his area as an investment….just like that, without any consultation with me. Me there the whole time trying to plan our future and save and maybe we’d need a deposit at some point and he’s ready to drop a load of money on another property. He never even considered me. Now in fairness, when I expressed hurt and disappointment, he did see the error of his ways, but ultimately, although we were in a relationship and he feels he did mould and change a lot to be with me, he still hadn’t shifted the picture of the future he had in his head, when he was by himself.

Your ex wants a mortgage and has always wanted to get himself a house, but when you end up having a long term relationship, your plans have to change. That’s the nature of being in a couple. Buying a house for himself alone is just not practical now if he’s in a relationship. You have to live with someone before you make any life changing decisions.

I can’t believe you went to the gym yesterday, well done, that’s unreal. If I was in that level of pain, I’d be a mess, trembling on the floor, calling anyone and everyone! Good for you!

I have nothing planned for this weekend yet. God it’s exhausting. I know I must plan or I’m in trouble, but it would wear you down! I still think about my ex a lot, wondering is he happy having his weekends to himself again to watch footie or go to the pub with the lads and me barely hanging on by a thread, trying not to spend every moment in misery!

I’m hoping to go for a walk tonight if the weather is not too bad

Kkasxo,

It is a bit ridiculous in a way. You’re not wrong. I think my ex had loads of plans to live abroad and buy in really nice areas but will ultimately end up living at home with his parents or getting a house right beside them. He wasn’t willing to move forward and make a life of his own, independent of his family and what he saw as his responsibilities. Your ex needs to start living with you if ye want to have a future, that’s not a demand, it’s just natural process and what would make you happy and should make him happy too.

The resentment is a terrible thing to carry, but it’s definitely not something that can be worked out overnight, it’s going to take time and work, perhaps on your own, but trust me, I am confident you can process everything and move forward with your life. You are self aware enough to understand things, so that will be a big advantage when you start to process. It’s not right to be in such pain, it’s really not. Life is not meant to be about pain, it’s meant to be about happiness. Fulfillment and love.

I have no idea what to do for the weekend, I was thinking of getting my hair coloured but I’m undecided. I have zero interest, but it’s literally about passing the time. I’m the same as you, I definitely have no interest in socialising at the moment. It’s my biggest hurdle right now. I’m doing lots of things, but because so much of my socialising was with him, I haven’t disassociated it from him yet, so it’s too painful for me. Dammit, if we lived close, I genuinely would be quite happy to wear a onesie all weekend and eat crap and watch Netflix with you while we solve the world’s problem with men!!!

Kkasxo,

Its a very common theme amongst men in our society. My ex’s family are close knit, they kind of are each other’s friends. However, my ex’s siblings all live abroad so he is the only one at home and I think a sense of duty and responsibility is something handed down through generations. He actually told me when we first split that he had X number of people in his life to care about, he couldn’t take on one extra person i.e me. Ridiculous I know.

But my therapist says it’s quite common for people to put their own lives on hold to live their life for their family. I know this is true, because this is what I did myself for many years. However I worked on it and through therapy I grew and overcame it and decided to pursue a happy life for myself. I think that’s the thing that bothers me most. Most people say, accept he is who he is and move on, he can’t change. But I changed – I did it – so why can’t he?! I know everyone is different but I just wish it worked out.

I would love a switch to flick so we could feel better, it’s so draining and frustrating.

Oh btw, have a listen to this. It might resonate with you.

http://insig.ht/gm_5312 – on the insight timer app

Kkasxo,

Thanks for saying that. Rejection is hard and it makes you question if you were good enough and to date, I still see the loss as mine. But today has been a day wherehe is more distant and fuzzy in my mind. I don’t know why that happens and different days bring different things.

I really liked his parents and if they ever thought they were holding him back they’d be devastated. But all of them don’t realise it was a subconscious thing, developed over years. I could only recognise it through the benefit of therapy. I never said to him what I learned about his situation in therapy. I felt that was up to him to figure out himself if he chose to.

Tonight im not as sad as other nights but I still want to contact him, still try and regain what I lost. Despite knowing it won’t make me happy, if there is no change. But there ya go, we can’t always control how we feel.

I hope you get something from Sarah Blondin. I find she speaks to me directly in some of her meditation podcasts.

I’m currently catching up on Strictly!