Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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November 8, 2018 at 10:15 pm #236111ShelbyvilleParticipant
I had a tough night with anxiety.
I feel like while I’m functioning, I’m not improving. I keep waiting for the day where I wake up and don’t miss my ex and realise we were definitely not meant to be. But everyday it’s still a case of missing him, hoping he’ll change his mind.
Did anyone else continually feel like this after a breakup? When does it change?
Any advice gratefully received.
November 9, 2018 at 2:00 am #236119KkasxoParticipantShelby,
That’s the issue I think. You would love for your ex to show up with the aim to reconcile but if it actually happened would be a different story due to all your knowledge now as to why the relationship wouldn’t work and also the hurt caused.
I am pleased to confirm that my counselling appointments start next week! I am so happy and excited to start this new journey and bringing me a step closer to healing!
How is the anxiety this morning? Are you feeling any better at all?
November 9, 2018 at 3:02 am #236121ShelbyvilleParticipantHi Kkasxo,
That’s brilliant, I’m so glad they are starting soon and I hope they prove beneficial for you and really help you along your path.
The anxiety is so so still. So I went to get a coffee near my work building this morning and as I came out of the café and went to cross the street – it was raining – my ex passed me in his work vehicle. I got a bit of a fright because he is never normally around my neck of the woods for work, just very rarely.
He acted like he didn’t see me but kind of put his hand up to his mouth/face to cover it a bit. He couldn’t have missed me on the street. It just knocked me a bit as I haven’t seen him in 7 weeks since we split. Is this what we are now? I’m just an awkward ex he needs to avoid? I felt so sad again.
I’m trying not to let it affect me, but with my anxiety and life at the moment, I have narrowed it considerably to zones I feel safe/comfortable in. My home, work, sisters, friend house. I didn’t feel there was a threat of pain within these areas as I got rid of all reminders etc. And then he just pops up unexpectedly. I’m a little shook.
November 9, 2018 at 3:33 am #236125KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I’m sorry you had to see him. Fortunately I’ve not experienced the ignorance part of it all as luckily we have never bounced into one another (despite the fact that we live about 10 minute drive from each other) and we only ever met up when it was previously arranged and even that was heart breaking. I can only imagine what it must’ve felt like to be completely ignored like a stranger.
To be honest, it is understandable that he didn’t stop off for a conversation but the least he could’ve done is acknowledged you somehow. Even if it was just via a follow up txt to say ‘I think I just saw you’. It is a bit rude on his part to have ignored you like that considering the amount of history together. But nonetheless, the day goes on. I’m sorry he’s been an ass!
I completely understand that it has knocked you off guard. As you say, you have developed these safe zones for yourself (I did this too so I can relate) and now suddenly even those aren’t safe anymore! I am assuming he knows exactly where you work and that he could’ve potentially bumped into you this morning? What was he thinking!
I hope for your sake that he chooses another route next time! Loads of hugs xx
November 9, 2018 at 4:47 am #236133ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
It was a strange one, I had a hood up so I’m thinking he only realised it was me, when he nearly was right in front of me and by then he had almost passed. Also, what else could he do I suppose? I guess I’d keep driving too if I saw him, not knowing what to do at the time except escape.
It was just another example of how I’m not part of his life now and that hurts. To be honest, he’s never normally in my area despite his company headquarters being close to my building. But it was always once in a blue moon he would ever have to go to HQ. He even told me in that phone conversation recently that he’s not in my area at all anymore. But I guess something came up and they must have called him in.
I don’t suspect I’ll see him again, but I just feel like a fool. I’m here pining away every minute of every day for him and he’s moving on and just treating me like an ‘awkward ex’. Why can’t I have more backbone or more anger towards him or something to help me think I’m better off. I can’t muster anything but loss.
Did you feel like this and if not now, when or why did it start to change?
November 9, 2018 at 5:05 am #236137KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Anger/ resentment is only one of the stages of heart break. When this phase of my life bagan all I felt was pain – excruciating pain. This then manifested into a lot of anger, resentment, disappointment etc but it does take a while.
I must admit, it is much easier to deal with when you are angry at the other person because it is almost a form of acceptance. ‘You have done me wrong, I am hurt and angry about this, you do not deserve me!’. It almost gives you a kick up the bum to keep moving forward. It’s like a driving force but it will come eventually.
My situation is slightly different to yours as our break up was caused by his lack of backbone and as a result a trauma which I now have to deal with, perhaps that brought on the anger for me but I have heard that this is one of the natural stages of heartbreak.
Do you guys live nearby to one another at all?
I remember right at the beginning of our break I avoided all of the places where I could potentially bump into him and luckily for me this worked. I think if he did notice you today it’ll prompt him to avoid this route in the future. I do believe that it would’ve startled him just as much as it did you.
It is one thing having some sort of light contact and another seeing one another!
November 9, 2018 at 5:41 am #236139ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
You’re right, anger is part of the process and everyone, including my therapist, has been coaxing me to be pissed off at him. I literally have no anger at all. I can’t even muster up fake anger, I try but to no avail. My therapist feels I’m not ready to be angry with him, because I’m not ready to let go. It’s harder to ‘reconcile’ with someone you have seething anger towards!
Unfortunately there is not route for him to get to HQ apart from my way, but as I said, it’s once in a blue moon he’s there and while we were going out, I never once accidentally bumped into him so I can’t see it happening again. We live about 40 minutes drive away from each other. I have no reason to ever be in his neck of the woods, although there was a really good salon there I used to visit, but I’ll just have to find a new one.
I also believe you’re right and I’m sure he was just as startled as me to be honest. It is what it is I suppose. How on earth do I stop loving him and want to move on for myself and stop dreaming about a fantastical reconciliation?!
I actually have no plans for this evening, but I’m exhausted from not sleeping much last night so I’m thinking of doing some more cleaning and maybe try out Netflix…..eek!
Are you going to your sisters party tonight?
November 9, 2018 at 1:54 pm #236245KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I think for the time being just accept whatever it is that you feel towards him and go with the flow. It is only natural that you still love him and care for him dearly, regardless of anything else, afteall he was a major part of your life for many years. I read somewhere that it takes at least half the amount of time of the relationship to actually get over someone fully. As in be able to walk past them on the street, even say hello and feel absolutely nothing. If this theory is true, we have a while longer to go!
Netflix has been an absolute life saver for me! Let me know if you get to watching anything interesting, I’m coming to the end of my series now so will need a new distraction!
We have just been chilling and having a relaxed evening with a few drinks for my sisters birthday. It’s nice – a distraction. I think I’ll close the evening with some Netflix too and a lovely sleep with no alarm!
What are your plans for tomorrow?
November 10, 2018 at 12:40 am #236259ShelbyvilleParticipantHi Kkasxo,
I didn’t have a great sleep- I actually dreamt I was a plus 1 of one of the royal family & was on a trip with Kate, Meghan, William etc. I think I’m losing it! Even in my dream, the ‘royal cousin’ I was with was ignoring me. Much like my ex I guess.
The mornings are the worst, for some reason, my gut twists and I can’t stop thinking about how lost I am. On weekdays I nip it in the bud and get up for work but weekends, I just lie there feeling wore and worse.
I wonder a lot about when or if this will end. I wonder is he feeling a lot better now and how do I get to that place. I’m looking at 2 years to get over my relationship so….getting older and older in the meantime.
An absolute gem of a work friend suggested us living together given that I now won’t be moving into my forever home with the ex. It shook me. I adore the girl, don’t get me wrong, she’s 23 and kind and sweet and fun. But I thought to myself, am I going to go all the way back to the start, like a college student, I thought I was in a different place now. But I guess that’s the crux of it…. I AM back to the start but just can’t accept it.
Myself and my sis are doing a bit of shopping today to help me get an outfit for my big presentation event that will help me feel a bit more confident. We’ll see how it goes.
I’m glad you enjoyed the evening with your sister, you deserved a reprieve for a couple of hours. I have lots of Netflix recommendations so I don’t know where to start. I’m ignoring any series I had started with him. Time for something new.
what are your plans today?
November 10, 2018 at 3:08 am #236261KkasxoParticipantShelby,
How do you feel about accepting the offer from your work colleague? Would you accept? Is it something that you’d be happy doing?
I think sometimes we’re put in a place by ourselves and society to have achieved certain things by a certain time in our lives so I can understand why you may feel that moving in with a 23 year old girl may feel like taking a step back. But remember that this is your journey and everyone ultimately has their own pace – unfortunately sometimes life writes its own scenarios and things just don’t work out. I have to keep reminding myself of that on a daily basis too!
I hope you enjoy your shopping trip today! Nothing beats a good retail therapy 🙂
I was supposed to be meeting with my ex today to discuss a few things and just see how we are with one another when we’re together. Do we even enjoy one another’s company anymore? But he went out for some ‘casual’ work drinks last night and I haven’t heard from him since so I can only assume it was not casual at all and he is probably half dead today.
So my resolve will be a nice hot bath and pamper session & then some Christmas movies in bed! How boring is my life!
November 10, 2018 at 5:06 am #236267ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I definitely know I’m not in a position to consider it just at the minute as even the prospect of it increased my anxiety. I think I just need to get on an even keel before I start making any big decisions.
It sounds like you have a plan anyway if the arrangement with your ex doesn’t work out, which is good. The thing is, I expect you will still enjoy each other’s company, but is that enough.
I know in my own case if I met up with my ex tomorrow, I’d love being in his company, and I think he enjoys being with me too. We don’t have any issues getting on with each other but it’s the overall issue that stopped us being together. If I never brought up about the future, or making plans, I’m fairly sure I’d still be with my ex in ten years time, doing along as we’ve always gone along.
But it may throw some light on your situation and garner you extra information that might help you decide what is the best next step for you.
Ooh keep me posted! I’ll let you know how the shopping goes!
November 11, 2018 at 6:13 am #236351ShelbyvilleParticipantHi all,
I once again didn’t sleep well last night and I realised this morning, I’m nowhere near close to getting over my ex. I miss him every minute, I feel no enjoyment out of anything without him, I live in a dream world where he will change his mind. Every day I wish to speak to him, see him, contact him, it’s just not easing up. 7 wks have passed.
How did your meet up go? Any clearer?
Has anyone else experienced a break-up where they just find it almost impossible to accept? Any advice gratefully appreciated.
November 11, 2018 at 6:33 am #236357KkasxoParticipantHi Shelby,
How did your shopping trip go? Did you manage to get anything nice at all?
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had another tough night. I always find the evenings/ nighttime to be the worst. Heck every time of the day sucks when you’re going through heart break!
I’m wondering, are you perhaps not able to accept because you haven’t got closure? Whatever that may be. I know our situations are somewhat different I.e the reasons behind the split but I know for personal experience the reason why we keep bouncing back and forth to one another is perhaps because there are so many things left unsaid. We didn’t really want to split up. We sort of didn’t have a choice around the situation that we were faced with. Things got very bitter and we had people fighting our battles for us and as a result we didn’t actually get to speak about what happened and why it happened that way. It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion and a long time to come to terms with the fact that we will need to have a conversation which covers everything around the situation/ break up to get some clarity and closure. I realised I am unable to move forward with my life and my recovery without everything being laid out on the table. He agrees. So we are in the process of arranging this conversation now. I believe for me this will allow me to close that chapter of my life – with or without him moving forward.
I wonder if perhaps the break up on your end was so sudden that although you know the reasons behind it there are still many unanswered questions and unsaid words.. perhaps that could be what is holding you back in your recovery?
Our meet up went well. It’s safe to say that we most definitely still enjoy one another’s company – as strange as it is we completely bounce off of one another just like we used to. However like I said before this is all well and good until the reality, the trauma gets mentioned or remembered. At this point, i’m not quite sure if we’ll be moving forward together.. I suppose time will tell. It is a tough one because I realise my family and friends will most definitely not approve if we reconciled, they’d be disappointed with me. Although I like to think I’m a strong individual and I make decisions for me, it is still off putting to know that we won’t be celebrating big events together I.e Christmas etc because it’ll just be too much hassle!
I cannot wait for this chapter of my life to be over now!
November 11, 2018 at 10:36 am #236377ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I did indeed manage to get a few bits which I hope will boost my confidence for the presentation, even if I’m only faking it!
I ALWAYS feel I need closure with my ex. But there are no answers as such. I know why we broke up, I know my needs are different to his, so ultimately, it can’t work. But at the same tome, despite knowing that logic, I still miss him and can’t imagine his life going on without me. It’s hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I want to be with him. But I know I can’t be with him either as the same issue will arise and I’ll feel unhappy and unfulfilled and he’ll feel pressured and resentful.
How on earth do you flip that switch- the one that makes you feel you were not right for each other. The writing is on the wall and yet, I can’t imagine another single man on this planet for me. Argghhh, it’s positively draining and I don’t know how to get over him.
During our phone call a couple of weeks ago, I asked about meeting up but he didn’t know if it would make things worse. So that was a polite way of saying no. There’s no going back on his part, because he sees the logic, he understands why we broke up. I just wish I could get it through to my heart. But it’s not, I miss our life together. Even though it wasn’t perfect and not going where I wanted it to go, I still miss it.
I think the only way you could move forward with your ex is to address that elephant in the room. It has to be healed to honestly stand a chance of moving forward either together or alone. Perhaps once you start therapy, you can get some guidance about the best path forward for you. I can’t imagine what you went through involving the trauma you find too difficult to talk about but it’s had a significant impact on you.
I do believe however that humans have the capacity to recover from even the worst atrocities we can imagine so I’m confident, in time, you will deal with it and heal it.
I was anxious a couple of years ago getting back with my ex the first time. But as my therapist explained, it’s your life, your family and friends can’t live it for you and sometimes in life, we need to do what’s right for us, even if others can’t understand. You know what they say about opinions…..everyone has one! They are only trying to protect you at the end of the day, so any difference of opinion is coming from a place of love. Those close to me, came round a lot quicker than I expected actually and not one person has said ‘I told you so’, since we split this time. So don’t worry about that. Things work out like that in time.
I hope I sleep better tonight, although I remember Tom in an earlier post on this thread said he was 3 months broken up back then and he was still finding it hard to sleep/not think about his ex etc. So I’ve a way to go yet….
November 11, 2018 at 10:45 am #236379KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I do think it’s more difficult for you because despite the fact that yes your relationship wasn’t progressing how you wanted it to etc you two were still happy. Maybe just comfortable and chilled in one place with no progress but nonetheless, happy. It goes back to us saying previously that we’d almost be happy to put our wants /needs aside if it meant that we could be with that one person.
Yes you’re absolutely right. People always have an opinion and not everyone is always going to get along. How did you feel reconciling with him last time? I remember that the first split hit you hard and that’s when you started therapy. Did you feel anxious, insecure when getting back with him? I’m wondering if this is just normal or whether this has everything to do with my anxiety around the trauma.
I hope for your sake you sleep better tonight too! But on a brighter note, the weekend is almost over! Back to the number one distraction tomorrow, work!
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