Well I survived the dentist, but my teeth are super sensitive now, especially in this cold weather! Also I met a male friend after and we did a 7K walk!! Wohoo! He’s a really old friend and we literally talk about everything, he calms me when I’m in his company.

I’m treating myself to a nice toastie for lunch now. That’ll expend another hour I hope! The struggle continues.

I wasn’t going to respond to my ex, but I knew I would spend days or weeks on end agonising about it and seeing it as an opportunity at any stage to contact him, so I said I better just get it over with. All I said was basically ‘it’s no problem’. I left it at that and he didn’t respond thereafter.

A tiny part of me, of course, will always imagine that he might have been trying to open the line of communication but I know him better. He is known as a gent, very mannerly and polite, always doing the right thing. He would have just sent that text to continue in that vein of being polite.

Also, he would hate to think anyone hates him or he’s let anyone down so I imagine part of it was him trying to assuage his own feeling that I’m not ‘off’ with him and he can sleep better knowing ‘we’re on good terms’ or some rubbish like that.

You’re right, it does throw you for sure.

I feel such empathy for you going through your situation. I know it’s difficult to make a decision cos then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that decision. It seems from your posts lately that you have a lot of less than positive feelings towards your ex, despite loving him no doubt. My priority for you, but be to look after yourself first and foremost. Whatever that means, it might mean being alone to try and heal and process the trauma. But if it means reconciling with your ex, there is absolutely no judgement, just support. I promise. You do what you need to do and if we can help, in any way, consider it done!

I’m so sorry you have to wait so long for some help, it’s not fair. What’s the point of having these services, if not at a time of need?

But you have made it this far, so hopefully 4 more weeks will go by as quickly as they can.

My ex is not into contact, he barely responds to the 5 messages (max) he would get a week from family! I think he was just trying say thanks, and be the good guy and Liverpool were playing soccer yest eve and he would have had a couple of pints watching that, so he was probably just a bit more casual about the communication. It’s sad that i still feel I know him like that.

It must be so difficult to try and process so much stuff by yourself. So many varying emotions at play. What is your instinct? Take away all the psyche thoughts and process developments and strip it down. What do you feel? Are you extremely hurt and broken after your trauma which your ex contributed to?

What does your gut say? Does it say, this has been bad and it can’t work out now or does it say, I’m strong enough to heal from this within the relationship? I wish I could offer more advice but I’m just working off the info I do have.

Maybe if you try the meditation again, it’ll eventually slow down the train of thoughts that constantly occupy your mental space?

What are your plans this eve?

Ah B&M! A Mrs Hinch fav! I’m quite proud of myself because my dishes have been destroyed by a white chalk residue in recent months & I bought several bottles of white vinegar today and scrubbed all the white off! It’s the small victories at this point! I’m glad you’re excited, it’s so funny but cleaning is the only thing that I feel good doing these days!

As for my ex, I doubt he will contact again. The last text wasn’t out of the blue in his eyes, he would see it as responding to my sending of the card to his parents. (He lives with them) It’s so exhausting trying to make ourselves feel less awful every single day though, isn’t it?

It’s such a confusing time for you. It’s not fair that you’re in a sort of limbo where you need a little guidance or help and you still have to wait. But you’re surviving, albeit not happily, but neither am I.

I do hope people around you, including your ex know your true value. You seem like an extraordinary person. Tough as boots and kind and caring at the same time, so make sure the company you keep appreciates that!

Im currently involved in a couple of games of scrabble on Words With Friends. Again, my life is pretty sad right now!

I love the smell of a clean kitchen! Well done!

You’re right, I’m a lot more rational with the medication and I hope to just be on it until the Spring, sometimes we just need a helping hand to get over the slump. As that book explains too, the withdrawal is to do with brain chemistry too so sometimes, it’s beyond our control to just think our way out of sadness.

Having said that, I miss him every moment of every day. I dreamt of him again last night. I don’t know when that will change or fade, or even if it will. I’m accepting it for the moment, but if I’m still the same in a year, it could mean trouble.

Well done on planning the gym and the birthday. I’m in no mood for parties at the moment, so you’re being very strong. Plus, as you say, more time passes.

I’m going to try and get another walk in later to burn off any anxious reaction I have. While I’m grateful for the reprieve – I couldn’t sustain that intensity of pain in my body- I kinda feel I should cry a bit more or something. I don’t feel the urge to at all now which is weird.

Again, it’s draining trying to come up with plans for the approaching weekend, but I know I have to do it. I’m a bit scared that this is my life now, sad and unfulfilled I guess.

Kkasxo,

I think that’s one of my biggest fears…..that I’ll never get over my ex. That he’ll always be up there on that pedestal that I could never reach and that I will always feel the loss of him. I hate that I’m not with him now, it just pisses me off. But again, I can’t change it, even though I’d love to. He is happy to stick to his decision. I have a feeling he might go travelling soon. If he did, maybe I would relax more if I found out, knowing he was far away and I’d never hear much about him again.

I’m sorry you’re co confused. I wish I could help. It seems to me the relationship is nearly off the table until you can figure out everything that has happened to you? But I could be completely wrong. Work is keeping me going today, as in….it’s a distraction at least.

I’m going to try and do another 4k walk this evening with my friend. She suffers from anxiety too and had heartbreak several years ago so she’s pretty understanding. Well done you and planning to go to the gym, maybe boxing a few punches on a punchbag will help get some frustration and anger out!

I might visit my sister and nephew later for another distraction, are you getting as sick of planning distractions as I am?!

I always feel better though knowing I’m not alone in the heartbreak boat!

Kkasxo,

If my ex came back tomorrow, I would be extremely anxious, who wouldn’t be I guess? He has hurt me so badly, I would be completely fearful of that happening again. I realistically know that we could only work out if he felt he wanted the same future as me, with me. I cannot see that happening, which is such a shame, because we really got on so well together and there was so much respect and kindness.

A deep clean might be a good plan, I should probably do the same. Lots of advice says to change things around in your room to disrupt the reminders of your ex, but I haven’t done that yet. We’ll see.

I do fear the damage has been done with your ex alright and I’m glad he’s being good about things now. Would you get back together with him and see how it goes? See if you can work on it together? My only concern is that I wouldn’t want to see you hurt again and left in a terrible place. But happy to support you with whatever advice I can give whatever you decide to do.

Once you actually get therapy, hopefully it’ll be someone good, they really do help figure out what’s happening and where you can go moving forward, so let’s hold tight for another couple of weeks!

I don’t have much therapy this week as my counsellor is away, but I think I’m managing a bit better with medication. However, I might speak to him next week about whether I should be ‘feeling it out’ a bit more. Perhaps I should be grateful for the reprieve and stop being so over-analytical!