Hi all,

Azu, I’m glad you got to close the book in a manner that was the least painful, albeit closure itself is not without pain. But you have a positive outlook and I feel you are already are hoping for a brighter future so I wish nothing but the best of everything for you now.

Kkasxo,

It’s natural. You’re not alone. Don’t feel bad. A couple of weeks ago a friend told me she had gotten engaged. We are  in a group of 9 women who are all close, 5 are married with kids and 4 of us were in long term relationships. One of the 4 is now engaged and now I’m single again. Yuck. It hurts. It would definitely pack a punch to hear your friend’s news. It’s not fair you have to wait for counselling, it’s so important. I most definitely have had dark thoughts too. I’m actually a little afraid of them but my counsellor says it’s ok to have these thoughts, doesn’t mean you’ll ever act on them. It’s a tough time and you’re in immense pain, so it’s natural to want that pain to end. However, we’ll be ok. I might not feel it now but everyone couldn’t be lying to us, everybody couldn’t be wrong, we’ll be ok.

Don’t worry too much about the future, it causes anxiety. I worry about my age and holy crap…I better get my skates on…and then what if I don’t meet anyone….and wait a minute…i don’t WANT anyone but him….and I don’t want a family per se…I only wanted one with him….and so on and so on….IT DOES NO GOOD. Let’s just focus on the immediate and short term for now and the rest will come in time. We just need to help ourselves as much as we can at the moment and get through each day being as kind and healthy as we can.

What are you plans for this evening or the weekend?

Kkasxo,

Sorry for delay, I’m not being notified about replies so I’m only catching up now.

I hear you. I really do. It’s like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. I felt too as if I was on course to the happy life I wanted and now I feel I’m back at square one. It’s difficult – a hard pill to swallow. I’m sorry you feel like you can’t trust anyone now. I think that’s a natural reaction though but it doesn’t necessarily last. In two years time, you might be a little more guarded but if you are able to work through your feelings now, I still think you will have the capacity to do so. The human spirit is unfathomable and I’m trying to believe what everyone says, that we will heal in spite of ourselves, it’s just the law of nature in a way.

I began taking anti-anxiety medication (low dose) a couple of years ago during our first split. In the past week, I’ve gone back to taking that dose. I don’t intend to stay on and my therapist is confident I won’t have to. But ye could see from my posts, the pain was overwhelming me, I felt it was kicking the s*^t out of me and I felt I couldn’t survive without that person in my life. So, I just felt, if this helps me out of the ‘fog’ a little, then I will be able to get a grip on things again. I do feel it’s working. Don’t get me wrong, I still have anxiety and I’m still absolutely broken -hearted, but it sort of has brought me back from the brink of having absolutely no perspective or way of coping.

I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of medication and while I absolutely accept it helps so many people, I wanted to feel like I could cope on my own. But now I feel, if I hurt a part of my body and was laid up for a couple of weeks or months, I’d take the necessary medication, so I’m not going to beat myself up for taking medication to help me short term get over the emotional pain.

I will say, it’s been just over 6 weeks since the break and I miss him massively. But the fact I haven’t seen him means the memories of what it was like to be with him are fading somewhat. Okay, I’ve had contact, but the immediate withdrawal pain is getting a little fuzzier because I can’t remember vividly anymore when the last time he held my hand was etc. So I get the reason for the no contact rule, it’s to allow your brain go through withdrawal and lessen the craving because the memory starts to fade.

I’m trying to keep myself busy this weekend. Helping my friend mind her child and babysitting my sisters kids and hopefully get some exercise in too. I don’t feel like anything, I feel sad. But the time will pass anyway and I’m trying to figure out at the end of each day will I feel minimally better having done stuff all day, or sitting around thinking negatively and spiralling on my own. So I’m choosing the former.

Have you any plans this weekend? I know you don’t know me, but I’m known as a very trustworthy person. I hope you feel you can say anything in this space and there would never be anything but support and empathy. This is a vault!

Sending you all warmth today.

Kkasxo,

Thanks for your support. It has been a struggle and I really hoped to make it through without the level of medication I was put on during the last split, so a little part of me is disappointed I can’t manage it on my own, but I’m a highly sensitive person I guess and the chemistry of my brain has changed where I’m no longer getting serotonin from the feels of being in a relationship, so needs must. I want a better life and you have to do what you have to do.

I do envy you being able to watch movies etc on your own, I can’t even enjoy that! And tv used to be my thing before the ex, I used to love watching series but I guess I just didn’t have the time once I was in a relationship. Maybe I’ll get back to them one day!

And hey, maybe one day down the road when we’re feeling a bit better, you will be most welcome to take a road trip or flight over here to binge watch movies and stay in onsies all day with a weekend of the broken heart society!

I think I would be a bit lost without tiny Buddha. Emotional pain is something that can be so isolating and then you see how many people in the world are also suffering too and you realise you’re not alone and something alien has not just happened to you.

I’ve ‘hinched’ some of the kitchen today too and if you haven’t started following Mrs Hinch Home on instagram, now is the time to do it! Mindless distraction!

Kkasxo,

It horrible to feel like that. It’s interminable. You were angry for a while and I think that’s a catalyst to move on. It’s something I can’t muster just yet. Are you ready to let go of the pain? To just let it go? Because it will mean letting go of your ex? I think that’s the difficult thing. I don’t want the pain but a tiny part of me is not ready to give up on an epiphany on his part, and while I have unconscious hope, I’m going to have pain. According to therapist anyway.

I hear ya when it comes to company, I need to be around people, but it’s exhausting. I don’t have the energy for it but at the same time I need to pass the time, so it’s like a catch 22.

I don’t know what phase I’m in this evening, denial or rational (due to medication), but I welcome the reprieve. Don’t get me wrong I still feel pretty low but it’s not as sharp.

What do you want to do really deep down? Do you want to be with him, like always, but your mind is telling you it can’t work now?

Kkasxo,

That makes sense. Realistically there would have to be full forgiveness in any kind of relationship between two people if it were to work out.

But the thing with forgiveness is, it takes time. Sometimes a long time. In the meantime that can be hard for all involved. But I get it, if my ex changed his mind tomorrow morning, I’d probably go back to him, despite everyone I know wanting to maim him and despite the damage he has done and the pain he has caused me. But that’s because I miss him and the life I thought we were going to have. It’s natural. But the reason for the split would remain.

This might be a chapter of your life where you have to go it alone, to heal that immense hurt from June. Reconciling might end the pain of loneliness and loss right now but will it heal the massive original wound?

The therapist will help if hopefully you get an appointment soon. Whatever you feel, it’s you processing as best you can, what more can you do? You’re doing the best you can right?

The video above might pass 30 mins for you.

Kkasxo,

It sounds like you are in an impossible situation. I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through but it seems like it has traumatised you.

Do you think you can mend one day? Do you need him to do that? I’m sorry, these are probably all questions which are constantly swimming in your head.

I think it just takes time. I reckon I won’t be healed until I no longer want or need to get back with my ex and that I look at the situation for what it is/was, rather than what I wanted it to be. I’m not there yet, I try to be mad, I try to say it’s his loss, but I’m not there yet. This is where I am. So perhaps in time that will change. And maybe in time you will start reclaiming little piece by little piece…

Kkasxo,

Im so sorry you have been hurt so much. The one thing I will say is that no matter who caused the damage, I think any therapist will say that it’s our responsibility and ours alone to heal ourselves. We can’t rely on other people to help us heal because we need to have the resources to do it ourselves. Because if we rely on other people to make us feel better and they ever leave, we are basically screwed.

Yes it might be their fault that they damaged us, but that’s a hard blow I think we have to deal with ourselves. I think you can do it, I already think you’re getting there, albeit slowly and as much as you can handle at a time. I’ve been reading a lot about the human mind and our capacity to get over even the worst most horrific things a human can endure and it seems, we’re built to. Even on days when we feel we will never be okay again, our instinctual healing mechanism is working away. You will come to terms with this.

Its such a pity it’s taking so long to get a counselling appointment as the insight you gain really opens your mind to aspects you may never have been able to see on your own.

I dreamt of my ex again last night, well actually, I dreamt of meeting a new guy who happened to look extremely similar to my ex and had the same personality!!! So that’s about as far as I’ve come.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through either but I guess we will. Everyone is assured we will because it doesn’t make sense I suppose that in 3 years time we’ll still be feeling the exact same level of pain.

Will you get to the gym today?