Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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October 27, 2018 at 9:33 am #233707
ShelbyvilleParticipantNellie,
Its a really difficult situation you’re in. Being still in love with someone who chooses not to be with you is incredibly difficult. It’s like we expect the love to be done once it’s over so we can just move on but it doesn’t work like that.
Would you wait and see how tomorrow night goes without predicting which way it will go one way or another. Then you will have more information to work with, such as whether he seems to be having fun, whether he acknowledges you, whether he speaks to you etc etc. After that you may have more information in your data bank than you do currently?
October 27, 2018 at 12:09 pm #233745ShelbyvilleParticipantHi all,
I spoke to my ex over the phone this evening. It was a bad idea. I feel in bits now. He has not changed his mind, he is concerned about me and wants to make sure I’m ok but he still feels he made the right decision. He says he’s sorry for hurting me and he can’t apologise for how he felt.
I asked him some questions, some of the ones that float around your head after a breakup, looking for any signal of what you meant/mean to them, but all the blogs and Ted Talks are right, that ‘need’ to know, to understand, is not helpful. You WILL NOT get the answers you seek.
I feel like I have lost him all over again, so maybe that’s what needed to happen if I obviously hadn’t felt I lost him the first time round 5 wks ago. I feel scared now and lost as though the loss is too big to bear. Plus he kept calling me my his nickname for me out of habit which was torture.
He says I can call him any time I need to talk and he will help in any way he can, answer whatever questions I have. But nothing has changed about his decision. So there is no point.
I’m not a part of his life anymore and he has already moved to accept that himself. He admitted it’s been tough for him the past few weeks too and his mind has never been able to stop thinking about it but he’s getting by day to day.
I told him I missed him (in the most casual non desperate tone I could muster) and he replied with a sympathetic ‘I know’.
Can anyone help now as I’m feeling fragile and worrying I’ll have a setback and I’m to just get strength from other posters who have made further contact after a breakup and survived.
I cant see a time when I’m not going to be broken hearted and that’s not a nice prospect
October 27, 2018 at 3:08 pm #233763
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Ah so the temptation finally came through. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the answers you needed or hoped for. Looking at it from a different light though, perhaps you got the closure that you needed?
In the last 5 weeks you haven’t been able to accept this new reality. Perhaps the reiteration that even after some time apart his decision still remains is all the affirmation you need in slowly moving towards acceptance?
When me and my ex first split he was adamant he never ever wanted anymore to do with me. He came across nonchalant and oh so sure of his decision. Although yes we did keep light contact, it was always very blunt, straight to the point and much unlike the man that I loved for 3 years! Yes it broke my heart BUT it also gave me the attitude of ‘well there is not much else I can do. I now literally have no choice but to just get by somehow’. That made things a lot easier for me. The fact that I had no other choice but to continue moving forward is what kept my days flowing. Meaningless yes, but nonetheless flowing.
In a time like this please also try to remind yourself of all the reasons why the relationship did not and would not work going forward. Remind yourself that it is HIS loss, not yours. A quote I very much related to at the beginning is ‘Why should I be sad? I lost someone who didn’t love me. But they lost someone who loved them.’ It may not be applicable in your case but the idea still remains. You lost someone who wasn’t willing or able to progress and build a life with you but he lost someone who sacrificed years of her life utterly dedicated to his needs, wants and most importantly his pace! And trust me, he WILL miss that, probably when it’s alrwady too late but he sure will!
Now having read all of the above I realise I need to actually take my own advice also!
Big hugs going out to you tonight! Xx
October 27, 2018 at 3:40 pm #233767ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Aw thank you so much for those words. I don’t know how I feel really. I guess it is more real now I guess. The last one we split there was no contact and he later told me he struggled and tried to find ways of bumping into me etc.
This time, he admits it’s been tough and he’s been trying to box his feelings away and not think about it but he’s happy to take my calls and give me as many answers as he can. That’s new. That’s different. That is someone who is at peace with their decision and just hopes the other broken hearted person is ok and makes it through.
Now, I definitely feel foolish. I feel like he looks at me now with pity. Ugh. I sort of hate him for breaking my heart despite still loving him. When we split he could not say what he wanted, he had t done the work to find out what. So that was difficult to come to terms with as I felt if he explored a bit, he would realise he wanted happiness….with me.
This evening, he knows he does not want to be in a relationship, a lot more than I sensed when we split. He said I’m some ways he’s happier about things, in other ways he not. Any way, it was clear, despite him saying he’s found it hard too, that he has accepted he will never be with me/see me again and he’s just getting on with things.
I fear now, the pain really sets in for me. Will I ever heal? I’m not convinced x
October 28, 2018 at 12:50 am #233781ShelbyvilleParticipantIt’s been a tough night and morning. I’m trying to keep telling myself we’ve been split up for 5 weeks, this is nothing new, but it’s torture.
I have never felt more alone and lost. My tummy has taken leave of its duties, I’m just in immense pain. I wonder was I coping at all for those 5 weeks or just totally in denial?
I mean, it wasn’t as if they were a walk in the park either but now I feel so isolated. What’s more I’ll be alone today and I have no clue how I’m going to manage.
How am I going to get back to living any kind of normal life?
October 28, 2018 at 2:55 am #233785KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You most definitely don’t need to feel foolish. At the end of the day you spent many years with this man and you are entitled to feeling broken about the future which was essentially snatched from your hands by the person you trusted most. The one person who was never supposed to hurt you.
I understand when you say you feel he pity’s you because I felt the same right at the beginning of the split when I tried to rationalise with my ex and he was so set in his ways. He too was like I’m happy to help you through this as much as I can but I am moving on with my life sort of thing. It is a very very hard place to be. But I can assure you that soon after that I almost felt like I will not give him the pleasure of knowing that I’m hurting, instead I will just pretend to get on with my life just as well as he is. And I did.
Like I say, in times like these distraction will be your best friend. Anything that’ll keep the hours passing is good enough to make the pointless days go by a little bit quicker!
You’re not alone! I understand what you are feeling and I truly hope that the pain eventually begins to fade.
October 28, 2018 at 5:23 am #233791ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Thank you for making me feel less alone this afternoon. Today is the first day since the split that I do not want to do anything. I spent every day finding distractions of activities. I thought I was progressing welll enough under the circumstances. But I guess that was all part of denial.
Some of the things he said to me on the phone have really caused me more pain, but maybe I needed to hear them. What hurts the most is I didn’t get the sense from him that it’s a loss. He said he’s been finding it tough but he has the conviction of his decision being right behind him so it really seems as if he is moving on and trying to get to the time when he knows he’ll feel better.
I know he cares about me, but more like a friend he would give a helping hand to. That also hurt.
I have not figured out how today is going to go yet. I’m in my own head without anyone to counteract it today. It’s quiet here and I’m extraordinarily sad.
Is this how you felt at the start? And if so, how did it go from there?
S x
October 28, 2018 at 7:39 am #233823KkasxoParticipantShelby,
This is what we are all here for, support and to give a helping hand!
Yes the beginning is always the hardest. I felt isolated and alone and like I mentioned previously I didn’t enjoy anything that I did – but I did it anyway.
Mostly I enjoyed time on my own. Maybe enjoyed is the wrong word but I preferred it anyway because I could wallow in my sadness and pity without anyone watching over at my current state. The one thing that got me through is the idea that he was moving on. I felt I was left with no choice but to do the same so I tried my hardest on a daily basis to remind myself that I must too move on. That it is indeed his loss and not mine because if he can move so quickly and swiftly past me then was it ever worth it in the first place?
It may not feel like it right now but you are doing just fine. You’re doing the best that you can in these circumstances. Sending you lots of virtual hugs today! X
October 28, 2018 at 7:52 am #233825ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Thank you. My problem is I still view the loss as entirely mine. Everyone preaches that it’s truly his loss but I know he doesn’t see it that way and I don’t either. I’ve been googling everything to try and help me get through this struggle but to be honest, it’s mostly the same advice. Feel it to get through it. How do I do that?!
Ive not really eaten today either because I can’t stomach anything but I guess I should try and manage to eat something to stay going, any tips of easy eats?
The anxiety is not as prominent, I think. I’m not exactly an expert, my tummy is upside down but it doesn’t feel anxiety upside down, more heartbreak upside down, if that makes sense.
Am I in Day 1 now or am I still 5 weeks down? I feel like I’m all over the place. When I think of him I get a sharp stab to my stomach. I’m wondering is this normal at this stage? So I try and block him from my mind?
How have you been doing this weekend? Have you made any decisions? x
October 28, 2018 at 8:01 am #233833KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Unfortunately for us there is no straight forward way or pre-written steps to guide as through this.
Perhaps see this as day 1. Following your conversation yesterday it feels like day 1 so let that be it. Allow yourself to feel shitty, don’t do anything if you don’t fancy it. You’re entitled to go through all the motions of this so try not to be to hard on yourself.
If im honest, I lived off cereal for weeks on end literally. A bowl of cereal kept me going for a day or two, that’s how bad I got. Perhaps make yourself some toast? Keep hydrated too!
There is literally nothing anyone could say or do right now that would make this any better. It really is just something that you have to live through. It sounds weird because I’m nowhere near over my ex, far from it to be honest but I promise you I remember feeling exactly how you feel right now. And honestly, the pain isn’t that anymore. It’s still there, prominent and in my head and heart everyday BUT it isn’t like that anymore. So I guess that may give you hope..
My head and heart is so upside down right now. No decisions made as of yet but I’m observing each and everything he does right now. No changes here unfortunately. Half of me is set on moving on and the other half is holding on by a thread of hope. Who knows eh?!
October 28, 2018 at 8:38 am #233835ShelbyvilleParticipantI have never felt as bad in my entire life. I will try some cereal maybe later. I feel like everything that had meaning for me, everything that brought me happiness has been taken away.
I just called my sister and she is away but she says she can’t put my foot in front of the other – I need to take responsibility and fight.
I definitely feel as though I’m spiralling down a black hole. I need to believe I can get out of this, I need to believe it, but I’m so wrapped up in it at the moment that I can’t see anything.
My crazy brain is so far gone at the moment I was considering calling him to tell him to come over because I’m in such a bad way. Two things are stopping me – firstly, what on earth would that achieve except for having him in front of me, in high definition and I can’t have him- secondly, I don’t want him to see me like this, that he had such a profound effect on me.
Ok Shelby, get up, get some cereal, wash your face….it’s a start. When will it end????
Kkasxo, it’s reassuring to know you felt like this weeks ago and while you are still suffering, it’s not as acute. Jeez I thought I was in pain the past 5wks…..it would be a gift to have that level of pain now in comparison to where I’m at now.
Maybe you will get to the stage where it just doesn’t seem that big a decision to make anymore and you just don’t feel like it one way or the other. The distance might give you some perspective?
October 28, 2018 at 11:57 am #233885
AnonymousInactiveHi,
I have read this thread and I wanted to post because I am going through a break up right now. We broke up yesterday (it was me who ended it) and I am suffering.
The reason was similar to yours, Shelbyville, he wasn’t ready to give me what I needed from a partner, he kept promising a ‘few more months’ but it was 1.5 years and nothing happened. I had a dawning realisation that I was waiting for nothing, and this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life.
Although my decision, I feel guilt, disappointment, sadness, overwhelming loneliness. I have no friends close by to console me and I feel so alone. The clocks went back today so its gloomier than usual. I feel doom and dread for the winter. I know I made the right choice but losing him has left a massive void and the thought of ever meeting anyone again seems impossible. I wanted to build a life with him but it was just a fantasy that was never meant to happen.
I am posting here because I am in so much pain and nobody to turn to. Please let me know how you coped with the hopelessness in the first few days, I am not sure what to do to get through this.
Best wishes,
Azu xx
October 28, 2018 at 12:13 pm #233887ShelbyvilleParticipant@azu
Im so so sorry you’re in pain. You are not alone. It doesn’t matter that you ended it, you didn’t end it because you wanted to, you had no choice.
For me, as you may have read, today actually just feels like Day 1. It’s been 5 weeks but I don’t think I really believed it until yesterday, so I feel your pain.
Firstly, you need a support network. Is it possible to take time off if you’re working and go where there is support? This forum is also a great help.
Secondly, don’t make contact. It’s the only advice I can give, there will be a million and one temptations and reasons to, but don’t do it. It will make everything worse and if you can’t imagine it worse than now…trust me….it can get worse.
Your goal now is to survive. That in itself is an achievement – when heartbroken and in pain, it really is.
So if surviving means staying in bed and watching Friends re-runs, pretending it’s not happening, do that. If it’s getting up and pounding the gym, do that. Remember, survival is your only goal at the minute.
I will tell you what everyone tells me…..feelings never stay the same forever. It’s in their nature to change so the one little mantra that keeps me from the brink is this ‘this too shall pass’. I’m not always going to feel like this, even if I wanted to, I can’t, it will change and ease by itself.
Hang in there, we’re all in the same boat.
October 28, 2018 at 12:41 pm #233889AnonymousInactiveHi Shelbyville,
Thanks for the wise words. Considering what you are going through, you sound so strong, I admire that. I am sorry that you are feeling like Day 1 again, but sounds like mentally you have made a lot of progress.
Unfortunately I can’t take time off only because I have returned to work after a lot of leave. I think work will be good for me since it is a distraction from sitting at home. In terms of support network, I am not sure who to reach out to, but this forum helps massively. I don’t have many female friends which is what I need when I feel like this. A lot of my friends are male who aren’t the best at consoling.
I am trying to keep busy and fill up my time, but I feel scared to be alone. I used to be so independent and I have turned into someone I don’t recognise.
I have definitely promised myself no contact as well – no good can come of it, and all it will do is keep me trapped in a cycle. However painful, I must make it through to the other side. Its hard work being selfish again after a long time of caring for someone so close to me. He was family to me. And since the break up was amicable, there is no anger to latch onto to help me heal, just sadness and loss. I was close to calling him today, but I think it will hurt both of us. All I can think of is how much he is hurting right now and the image of his face in tears as he walked away with his things for the last time.
Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone, you have come this far, so I hope that I can follow in your footsteps and regain my independence and happiness again.
I would love to keep in touch in this thread to see how everyone gets on.
Sending warm regards,
azu xxx
October 28, 2018 at 1:24 pm #233895KkasxoParticipantAzu & Shelby,
God I knew that men are just generally a bit delayed but I didn’t realise the lack of progress happened so often..
I just don’t understand it. Is it just in our nature as women to settle and go above and beyond for our partners? Because they clearly can’t do the same. I would move mountains for my ex if that’s what he wanted yet he’s unable to even give me the security of a future together?
It’s beyond me.
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