I am meeting a friend tomorrow morning to go to the amusements! I’m not remotely excited but at least it will pass a few hours. Then I have to find something to occupy Sunday and what’s worse I have Monday off too – urgh.

I find lately trying to distract myself with stuff doesn’t work that great, but if I do something to help other friends or family who are in need at the moment, that’s the best way to spend my distraction time.

I can’t wait for Halloween to be over and Xmas for that matter too. And my birthday in December…and what would have been our anniversary in January…..they just keep coming!

I know, wouldn’t it be funny if we became a right little Bridget Jones group watching cheesy films and drinking wine and eating everything that’s bad for us, trying to right the world’s wrongs! I doubt we’re too near though, I’m not even based in the U.K 🙁

Kkasxo,

What do you plan to do? The last thing you want is to go down the rabbit hole again I’m guessing…

Kkasxo,

That’s probably the best decision to make at this moment. There is no point in getting into it again. You know what he has asked for/wants and you have to figure out whats the best way forward, so it’s best to just try and work that out so your life doesn’t have to be in limbo for too much longer, one way or another.

I’m feeling dreadful this afternoon, been busy all day but have this cold sense of loneliness and detachment from the world right now. I met my sister on lunch for a few minutes and she was saying I’m doing great and I explained that I’m functioning, every day, but that’s literally it. My thinking and feeling hasn’t changed one bit. I’m staying functioning because people tell me to, but my thoughts are not changing. In fact, the desire to try and reconcile is getting worse!

Kkasxo,

That’s so much for the words of support. I feel like a fraud though because I feel like it’s inevitable I’m going to contact him. I can’t come to terms with it at all. I don’t know what I think will happen, maybe he won’t even speak to me, I’d have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I don’t know. But I don’t know what exactly is happening…am I in denial now? Or is the pain or reality realllllllly starting to seep in and I can’t bear it?!

When first I starting communicating with you, you very much seemed that you could not live without your ex, you had him on such a high pedestal. Perhaps he’s still there but definitely in the past few weeks I have seen more and more of you being fed up and not thinking so highly of him and snippets of you thinking you’re better off in the long run. However fleeting.

I wonder are you processing, are you moving along? Will I get to that stage? Because at the moment, I definitely feel as though I’M the one who has lost out, not him. I feel like my life is worse off because he’s not in it. I’m nowhere near thinking I’m better off yet or having an f** you attitude. What if I never do?! Will I die of a broken heart……ok……here goes the spiral!!!!!

Hi Kkasxo,

Im on the brink of tears at all times the past couple of days. I have therapy this evening but i feel like saying- is this actually doing anything or am I just going to continue like this ad nauseum?!

Dramatic fashion this evening I know, it often happens like this on Fridays. My life has no direction and no direction seems attractive me, no matter how I often I look up salsa dancing classes or blog writing! I have no joy. That’s the main feeling. My life is without joy and for all the talk of giving joy to myself and loving myself, I just don’t think I’ll ever get to that stage.

I loved everything about my ex except for his commitment phobia. Everyone might say- that’s enough! That’s a pretty big thing. Yes it is. Yes they are right. But nonetheless, here we find ourselves on this forum with very broken hearts and a need to see them, speak to them, etc.

I think maybe I need a good cry- weird thing to say i guess. But I don’t cry that often. Trickles of tears prick my eyes at times but since we’ve broken up I’ve only bawled crying a handful of times.

I can’t wait for work to return next week- dear God, how sad a person I’ve become. I hate that I’m feeling like this, when he’s functioning fine and probably even gone travelling at this stage if I had a guess.

I’ve definitely have had a tough one today emotionally. The pain has been immense.

Therapy helped somewhat but he says I need to really work hard on not beat the crap out of myself cos he says I’m doing a pretty good job of that at the moment.

I called to my sister this eve and broke down again and told her I’ve lost meaning and basically the desire to do anything. Now I realise how bad I must come across, cos she practically wants to stab my ex and this eve said if I need to go back to him, then she won’t be an impediment if that’s what I need. God, it’s bad when SHE’S suggesting that.

However, I’m feeling a bit better now so the feeling to contact has died down a little. Not in mood for dinner but had some toast. It really is the food of every kind of struggle!

Im gonna head home and maybe watch some tv, or I might just head to bed. Did you make it to the gym today? I’m hoping to go for a really long brisk walk tomorrow. Some days I can do 8-10k, other days I don’t do anything at all.

I’ll keep taking the advice of R&R2018 and Bell and all the others and try to like myself a little more of love is a bit of a stretch at the moment!

I hope your ex leaves you alone and doesn’t pester you with contact at the moment. X