Shelby,

Dont worry I’m in the exact same boat. I wouldn’t dare to tell anyone that he’s reached out to me again because I wouldn’t hear the end of it. Nonetheless, we’ve acknowledged that heartbreak is an absolute bi**h and part of going through all the motions is the up and down. One moment you can be rational and the next your world is crashing in around you. One day distractions work and the next they don’t. One day you do so well without any contact at all and the next you’re desperate for absolutely anything you can get.. it happens.

I know you feel it may be silly to want to reach out to him but I do the same, so it must be part of the process right?

With that being said, how many times can you repeat your feelings and hope for a different outcome? As you said, it’s not like you’ve withheld the truth, you’ve been nothing but honest with him about your feelings towards him and the idea that you two have a future. So he is aware of that. Now it is up to him what he does with it, which appears to be a whole load of nothing at this point.

What our issue seems to be is accepting this chapter of our lives is over. What I’ve started to say to myself in the hope that it’ll somewhat make it easier for me to move forward is the idea that if we are to reconcile at some point, then we will. Until then, I must learn to live this life for myself because as painful as it is, this is my reality right this moment. It may not be this way forever, but it is right now. Also, I’ve come to my own conclusions about the whole idea of me picturing him as someone who is able to save me. Save me from not only my dark moments but also from this whole misery, the upset, the heartbreak. I cannot rely on him in such a major way any longer – hence the need for some distance to simply learn if I can save myself.

I know I need to be less dependent on him. Surely it is unhealthy to put your happiness, laughter, life and everything into one person. What did we expect?! Of course the minute they disappear, so will all those things! It’s not healthy!

Mind you, my rational mind is in full blow this evening! Part of the wonderful rollercoaster ride heartbreak has been for me! Sigh..

Shelby,

Were you unhappy in the relationship because of the lack of progress or due to other aspects also? Because I can tell you first hand that although my ex is basically a boy stuck in a mans body and is unable to progress like normal human being, I was extremely beyond happy for the 3 years we were together. There wasn’t a single moment in our relationship where I wasn’t happy. (This may be part of the reason why I’m struggling so much to let go).

If there were other reasons for your unhappiness then in times like these remind yourself of those! Do a pros and cons list like I did the other day, sounds silly but it puts everything you are feeling on paper and somewhat visually you can see one side of the list getting longer… usually the unexpected side. Be honest with yourself whilst doing this, it’ll help take him of that bloody pedestal!

You’re absolutely right in saying that you want to feel like you add value to his life and so you should! I too wanna get to that point.. Quite frankly, I want the old independent, quirky and determined Kammy back! Because that girl didn’t take no shit! And now I literally find myself almost doing the pity thing with him. You know like I’m so tired, and drained, and look at how much you’ve hurt me in the hope that it’ll open his eyes! It wont. Perhaps the way to do it is to be just as harsh as they are.

I think although probably the reasons behind our relationships failing lay mainly with the ex men in our lives. WE too have an awful lot of work to do. I for one never want to find myself in a position whereby I depend solely on another persons presence in my life to gain my happiness or even feel like I’m coping on a day to day basis. I just can’t. This has been too much for me.

Somewhere further down the line in the thread someone posted an article about different attachment styles in relationships. I’ve done a little bit of reading into it and the anxious- preoccupied is me down to a T. I’m trying to learn how I work. What makes me tick. The habits that I need to change to prevent anything like this from ever happening again. I think it may be worth a read for you if you haven’t already;

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

I think the next think I’m going to start doing some reading into codependency in relationships.

Lets learn the hell out of this situation!