Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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October 17, 2018 at 2:57 am #231437
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Thats exactly it! As much as I would love to run straight back to him I know exactly where we will end up in the next few weeks and it’ll be right back where we are now because he simply is just not ready. He’s panicking right now because it’s the first time I’m saying no, it’s the first time he’s been blocked and the first time I’m actually not reaching out to him. So he knows the games are over and I’m serious about moving past this chapter in my life. And I get that, I respond like that also. Just goes back to us mentioning before that we worry if we don’t reach out it’ll be too late.. but at the same time his mind games and emotional back and forth is not fair on me.
I have cried and struggled badly in the last weeks and I am not prepared to go back on those tears now. I am on the road to recovery from this shitty phase, I may not be anywhere close to feeling okay but I’m most definitely not going to go back on myself.
I know I may sound strong right now but believe me I am far from it!
It is true, everybody experiences struggles in their lives. Everybody is hurting from some sort of experience. As unfortunate as it is, I do take some kind of comfort in knowing that I am perhaps not on my own in all this!
Im going to try and convince myself that this won’t last forever also! I hope it works!
October 17, 2018 at 3:57 am #231447
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
This is it! When I feel I want to reach out to my ex now, which I can imagine people reading this thread from the start must think is ludicrous, I stop myself. If it were someone else, I would say, girl…..he ain’t changing his mind, he is not making a single step in any way to change the decision or stay in contact…so cop on! But it’s hard to see that through the fog of the heartstrings.
But what stops me is the fear of setting myself back, based on the advice of rational people around me. I don’t want to have to go through the past 4 weeks again, they were horrific and still are, but I’m afraid of doing it again!
You are not alone, the broken hearts club is wide and vast. Plus there is no harm to see how you get on on your own not having anything to do with your ex to see if it helps. The option is always there down the road to contact if you wanted, but no contact is worth a try.
S
October 17, 2018 at 4:09 am #231453KkasxoParticipantShelby, exactly that! A part of me feels if I leave it some weeks and then cave into the contact if he by then is ‘over it’ and says no that’ll give me even more of a push to just move past this! So maybe that’s good?!
He’s not budging at the moment and has asked to meet after work. But I am not budging either. I will just use all my willpower now to not respond to that message!
October 17, 2018 at 4:52 am #231471ShelbyvilleParticipantGood for you. I think it’s panic mode he’s in at the moment, as you are now cutting him off in a way. So he’s desperately clinging to what he thinks he’ll lose with no real plan about how to try and make it work. It’s just hold on at all costs rather than face the pain, so it’s not the best way to approach it. Hang in there if you can and hopefully you’ll be happier in the end.
My ex and I were a significant period of time apart during our last break up with absolute zero contact and yet, we still managed to get back together that time, so I wouldn’t worry about it being too late. Besides, if he’s over it in a couple of weeks, that doesn’t show much for his commitment after all.
S
October 17, 2018 at 5:14 am #231475KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You’re absolutely right. He’s panicking at the moment but if I let him back in he’d be lost as to what to do next – he hasn’t thought that bit through. At the moment he’s just acting on impulse to try and ‘win me back’ essentially with no real plan of how to get there..
I told him to respect me enough to leave me alone as I am not prepared to go through heartache again, I’ve been through enough. To which he reaponded that he feels terrible about it and he wants to make me happy again. And then the idea of meeting up after work.
It’s a no from me. I have to stay strong and remember the heart ache and tears I have gone through in the last weeks. Let that be my motivation to refrain from any further contact!
October 17, 2018 at 6:00 am #231483ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
If it’s any consolation in this circumstance I think you’re making the right decision. Nobody told us the right decision would feel as soul crushing as this, but there ya go. In a way, I feel a bit like you’re ex, I panic when I think I’m going to lose something, without really thinking it through. I’ll agree to things to get them back, that realistically if push comes to shove would not work.
I’d love to be back with my ex right this minute and I could fool myself into thinking being with him is enough and I’d be temporarily happy until the need for more arises again and I’m not able to disguise it. My therapist would kill me for thinking such a thought – that I should have to disguise my want for normal happy things in life! But what I mean is, your boyfriend is feeling withdrawal badly now, but his desire to not commit can’t be cured overnight and needs work, which couldn’t have taken place again, so he’d think he’d be up for happy relationship again until push comes to shove and his inner scaredy cat wakes up and he leaves again.
I’m so lost at the moment and I’m sure you are too. But you’re getting there, to a better place, one painful step at a time.
October 17, 2018 at 9:50 am #231531KkasxoParticipantShelby,
That’s exactly it. He isn’t ready, he’s just overwhelmed because for the first time I’m withdrawing from him.
I guess I just have to tell myself if it’s meant to be it’ll be – how cliche. He always used to say that to me and i’d think you fool! Things don’t just happen, you have to make it happen! But it’s me having to believe that this time around.
I just want more than anything to recover from this. No going back on myself – to the best of my ability! And come out the other end because I couldn’t bare going through this again.
October 17, 2018 at 11:30 am #231551ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I agree with you, I feel that sometimes it takes more than just ‘what’s meant to be happen’, but in some circumstances it makes sense.
Lets view this from a withdrawal point of view as heartbreak is often compared to drug withdrawal. Your vice is being dangled right in front of you and you could just get a hit oh so easily and yet you’re resisting. If that’s not progress I don’t know what is. Truly.
As for me, I feel I’m regressing. I was a bit better at managing no contact when I started this thread but I guess that was because it was very early days. Probably didn’t think about it too much long term. However I now not only feel the need to contact him, I feel I should meet him and talk to him. What the hell is wrong with me? There is NOTHING good about that idea. He ended it, we couldn’t stay together after attempt number 2, I was not getting what I need to make me happy and yet, here I am, unable to imagine him living his life without me without slowly dying inside. Oh dear.
October 17, 2018 at 11:46 am #231563KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You have to be patient with yourself. It is only natural for you to want to reach out to him. I know that although it feels like you’ve been doing the no contact thing forever, in retrospect it’s not actually been that long!
It is truly like accepting the loss of a loved one. It’s a sudden and painful change in our lives. We mentioned before the comfort of having that one person to speak with to share small details of our everyday, the comfort of coming home to that one person, all of our plans relied on this one person. And suddenly in an instant they are gone.. It most definitely is a lot to take on. Life as you knew it has ended and now you’ve gotta figure out a new life for yourself.
The fact that you were recently in contact has taken you back a few steps. I know this because I too am feeling that now. Everything he said is playing on my mind and as much as I did my best to remain rational in my communication with him all the raw emotions are flooding back in now and I want nothing more to just say YES!! LETS DO THIS RIGHT AWAY! I do feel now that I have pushed him so far away that there will be no way back for us. And that’s scary in itself because I suppose somewhere in my mind I’m unable to fully accept that.
I just don’t know. Most days I feel like I’m just rambling on. Nothing makes sense without him. And then on the other hand how sad is it that my life and happiness is so utterly and completely dependent on this man?!
One thing I do know and have realised over the past few weeks is that although I struggle on a daily basis, I struggle a 100 times more when we’ve been in contact! So he needs to not find ways to get through to me now because I can’t handle anymore!
October 17, 2018 at 11:58 am #231575ShelbyvilleParticipantI understand exactly what you mean. I’ll admit it- my life did revolve around my relationship and I don’t know how to fill my time now. I used to be so excited to do things with him, always coming up with ideas for little enjoyable things we could do.
Now I have nothing to fill the time and honestly, I could pencil in a dozen activities a week but I just have no interest. Things are more fun for me with a partner. And yes, I’m aware that can’t be a good thing. Find your own happiness etc.
I hope he stays away from you and allows you to try and get your head around things. It’s just a matter of struggling along until it’s not such a struggle anymore. If you make it to that point, will you tell me what it’s like?!
October 17, 2018 at 11:59 am #231577ShelbyvilleParticipantYou posted that you’re still finding it tough after 3 months. I’m just wondering has it eased any bit or is it still as painful for you. Any tips that have helped?
October 17, 2018 at 12:11 pm #231589KkasxoParticipantDon’t worry hun, i’m most definitely going to be on here for the foreseeable future ranting on about my shitty meaningless life haha!
Lets make a pact to come back October 2019 and see how far we’ve come too?!
October 17, 2018 at 12:30 pm #231591ShelbyvilleParticipantTotally! October 2019 for sure. I’ll be so mortified if I’m still pining over my ex and you are like….seriously?! It’s been a year Shelby!!
Im going for dinner with my sisters this weekend. Nervous, but that’s just the anxiety talking. Plus the fact that I haven’t worn makeup bar a scrape of foundation to get me through work in a month! Or done my hair! I don’t even wear nice clothes, I wash the same outfits each week for work. The thoughts of glamming up, and I used to love doing makeup. 🙁
October 17, 2018 at 12:43 pm #231593KkasxoParticipantYou’re going to be just fine! And it’ll do you a world of good to get a bit glammed up! Might boost your self esteem a little bit!
Im glad you’ve made plans for the weekend! It’ll give you something to look forward to 🙂
I myself have absolutely no plans for the weekend. I’m in this mind frame where even if I made plans I’m afraid I might bail out last minute because I’m just not quite in the mood for social interaction but at the same time I don’t wanna be alone! Better get to planning I guess!
October 17, 2018 at 12:59 pm #231595ShelbyvilleParticipantThat’s so true! It’s exhausting having to organise things to do or be around people during this phase but the option of not planning anything can result in falling into black holes.
Its a struggle. But one we must continue to make I guess. Tonight I have a dog keeping me company and I have to say, it’s nice for cuddles and feeling someone snoring & breathing near me. Not an exact substitute but it’s something
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