Bro I didn’t mean rethinking! I just meant a small seed of doubt given your history, I think it’s totally normal for anyone to have that with marriage, it definitely doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to, let her work it out and have a good discussion when she’s ready, like I said it could be of benefit to really talk it out so your all on the same page. I know you think the world of her and she must know that and you know the feeling is mutual so you just need to navigate the bump in the road and everything will be fine I’m sure of it.

@Jay2023 see my above post also please and to add if she’s anything like me and overthinks it then that seed of doubt may prove fatal 🙁 I know it can lead to self sabotage, I self sabotaged with her the first time we were together. I know you’re not spiritual but the pesky devil is very good at ruining things. I can’t exactly weed out the seed of doubt because she wants space.

Oh @Dannydan..  All that you wrote now gives a totally different perspective. Now I think that the sentence you said, about how she wants to affect  who will be your friend is the least problem.

So.. I’ll give you my perspective, as a woman, and a very emotional one.. Actually, I think the same as Sammy does.

First, you said that sentence, and I guess B felt hurt. First mistake. Then I guess because she was hurt, she said she should leave, and you just said fine. That is also not a good sign. Then she left home, and no message from you. And the next morning you act like nothing happened.. All that must have hurt her. I know you are aware of all those mistakes now, and I won’t brush it. Sammy also got them all, and you are now aware of that and sorry.

You know, I think that we learn during all of our lives. Yes, you learned from your mistakes, made things right with her, and you won’t make same mistakes again. But you’re still not perfect, no one is. Probably, not even B, and that’s fine, because she is a human beign, and don’t expect her to be always perfect, because that is hard to be. Big pressure on her.

So yes, you did grow, but there is always place to grow even more… You can’t expect, not even of you, that you won’t make mistakes.

Did you, in your contacts after the incident, told her how sorry are you? How you understand that you hurt her, what you did wrong? Because you wrote that after, you were messaging, you wrote that you are sorry, and when she called she just said she needed space? So I’m not sure if you had a chance to really explain everything what happened and how sorry you are, and why you reacted how you did. I’m not sure if you two managed to have a good and quality communication about what happened after that, before she asked for space.

What to do.. I think maybe a message like Jay said, tomorrow or during the weekend would be ok. Don’t ask her friends, if she finds out you asked your friends behind her back it could make things  even more wrong.
Maybe a message, not just short one, “I’m sorry and thinking about you” but a bit longer, about how you feel and care for her might be a good idea? I’m interested in what would @Sammy suggest? I think I would like to know that, but I’m not her..

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.

@Jay2023

Hope I do get that opportunity bro, maybe I am catastrophising, but I can’t shake the feeling I used up all my lives in round 1.

We were meant to be having a fun weekend with both our friends, introducing them to each other now restrictions have lifted a little. But this morning I had a few texts come through I haven’t opened them but from the preview it is the same sentiment saying shame about the cancelled weekend plans, hope ‘B’ gets better and are we going to rearrange? So she has been in touch with them to inform them because that’s who she is and that cements she definitely will not be resolving things today. She also hasn’t indicated anything about another date – my head is spinning, what does that mean? She’s thinking it’s over?

My head is going to explode, I had an awful night tossing and turning. I feel the uncertainty of not knowing is almost worse. It would be easier if she stated something, anything! That would give me an indication of which way it is headed and help me prepare or relax a little.

T0hank you for the idea of the text. I’m going to try writing something up. Run it past you guys in case I make another blunder.

I’m trying to remind myself of all the good memories and how I’ve proved to myself more than anyone I was capable of being a better version and better man. That this is a mistake but right now I’m just so disappointed in myself, I can’t help feeling ashamed. I suppose if I didn’t care about her, I would feel apathy about my actions and just ignore her, I wouldn’t face the consequences. So it’s heartening to know there’s a good heart somewhere amongst the mess. Why do we do it? We know better but still give into that bloody impulse and then hate having regrets. Why can’t we be stronger to avoid getting ourselves into stupid messy situations! Is it a male species phenomenon? Or do I just need to face up to the fact I’m still immature and emotionally stunted?

@Rhaenys thank you for confirming Sammy’s insight. Even though the circumstances are not ideal it helps having a female perspective given I initially reacted so insensitively.

Thank you for acknowledging we can still grow a little bit more each day. I just hope it’s not too late. Women care too soon and men always care too late!

I will take yours and @Jay2023 suggestion and write a text to just let her know I’m here and do care. I haven’t fully apologised in depth. There hasn’t been a moment to express that and I always believe any hurt or pain caused should be rectified in person. With the space I just have to wait.

@Sammy1
Thank you so muchp for preventing me from doing further harm. Your advice is invaluable. I will keep reading it over and over and implement what you have said. I feel awful you had to take time out to reply to an idiot like me so I don’t want to address all the points you have made and compel you to reply. Please enjoy your weekend and I hope you and your bf have a great time. Thank you for rooting for me. It means the world.

@Rhaenys you can only help as much as you can,  I appreciate the efforts. Thank you for your input and advice.

Sammy is away for the weekend, that’s why I didn’t @ her because I want her to not worry or feel compelled to reply because she is very giving in nature too.

My head is a mess but it’s easier to give objective advice to someone else. Hopefully @Jay2023 can offer some assistance too. The man you are with appears to be a “talking stage” if you want to turn this into a relationship you need to see each other ASAP. The longer you leave it the higher the expectation and you might end up disappointed if you don’t have the chemistry in person. It will naturally feel like a waste of time. So always try not to prolong the first date or interaction to avoid becoming invested in potential. If after the first date you are both interested then let it grow and start investing. Us men are very physical beings we often need to see our partner to feel fulfilled in a relationship, with maturity we learn to be patient with things like sex if the bond and chemistry is strong, as long as we continue to get quality time and companionship, enjoying each others company with cuddles can be enough but without this it is hard to sustain a relationship for men in particular so naturally they will get bored or start to lose interest if its just endless talking. I would encourage you to meet him so you can determine if you match up in person and don’t run the risk of becoming attached to potential over text. I hope that helps.

Evening Danny, touched you would ask me mate, me personally I would just say along the lines of: I know what has happened has affected you but I am truly sorry, I love and care for you more than anything but am giving you space, I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and want to resolve things when you are ready to do so.

Not sure if that’s right but that’s what I would send, you said yourself it’s better to explore deeper face to face but the txt is just to shoe your thinking of her and respecting her space the same time.

Mate I’m really feel for you at the moment because I know how horrible it is to feel like that, like everyone else I’m rooting for a positive outcome but confident everything will be OK.

Myself, I’ve been up and down again but I just in transition of moving onto a new phase, it’s tough don’t get me wrong but I’m confident in myself that I’m doing all the right things to progress, it may be a while before I’m in a place where I’m content but it’s where I am and I’m doing the best I can. It feels good to give back personally to yourself although I know it’s not in the best of circumstances.

Rhaenys you posted earlier with your own thoughts and all I would say is: don’t overthink too much, you’ve been speaking to this person for a while and it feels comfortable and has made you feel good so there’s no harm in exploring what could be by meeting face to face, just have no expectation and let things run naturally without any pressure and I’m sure you will be happy with the outcome, it doesn’t have to be a romantic result if it’s not meant to be but you should definitely give it a chance without feeling any anxiety.

It is comforting mate, this thread was what I never had before when I went through all the same crap and felt terrible, it has been a godsend to have people I don’t even know to show so much compassion. We are all good people who have gone through a hard time and give it each other the time to help thorugh difficult situations which in itself is such a nice thing.

Myself I know in my heart it’s been over for a long time and was never right but I still even to do this day long and miss for that person for whatever reason it may be, my low esteem and the unknown or I generally loved the girl, even after this time I can’t stop thinking about her and what could of been but I’m being real with myself and know I need a lot more than what I got from it and journeying a new path to hopefully greater good.

I’m very open to making casual connections that aren’t physical, that’s all I want at the moment, I’m not a typical male who wants to just sleep with women, yes I enjoyed the physical connection with my ex but I miss the daily messaging and calls more than anything. I know something will happen when not expected, I’m not chasing I’m content in my routine and I want to explore my own personal issues with therapy as well to understand myself more because if I’m honest like Sammy said I do feel lost but I do know I have a lot of good to give and I never used to feel that way.

For me at the moment it is just going day by day and not forcing anything.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.