@Dannydan golden rule, women are always right, you’re welcome lol! Look forward to reading about your big day please do tag me! Best of luck and enjoy the wedding! Can’t reiterate the importance of not just discarding people! Even if you are burned by the person, we are all human and deserve 2nd chances. Assess the bigger picture. If ‘B’ had not given you that you wouldn’t be where you are now. Pays not to burn bridges as you’ll never know when you’ll need someone or cross paths again. If someone’s eating humble pie try and be gracious in your response even if it means creating boundaries.

@Jay2023 I’m glad I caught you before going. I was wondering if my last post may have been too confronting hence the lack of response to it, you remind me of Shelby. Sometimes I would say something with good intention to provoke thought but it would miss the mark, i knew this because she would avoid addressing certain things or responding. Whereas with Danny and others they like it real! So I do hope no offense was taken during our correspondence.

I’m delighted to read you received a good ego boost and the picture went down a storm. Glad networking or reconnecting with people is helping boost your confidence for the time being. I really do hope you commit to the deeper inner work required too,  so you don’t fall into the same patterns. Glad the thread was of some use to you. I’m glad you posted happy news because I enjoyed hearing about both the ebbs and flows of your journey.

Best of luck with whatever avenue you take. I hope it serves you well!

Take care boys x

Thanks Danny, I hope so I’m nowhere near out of the woods but it’s no as bad as it was everyday, I know I’m doing the right things and now it’s just time before things move in a better direction for good. I know that I still need the therapy because I have other issues I need to deal with as well so I can only benefit from that, when I get the appointment I’ll have a few sessions and they will determine what my needs are, I’m still feeling down at times with the medication but it has helped and the dosage is not really high and to be honest I don’t want a stronger one, I just felt I needed what I’m on at the moment temporarily so will see how I go over the next few months.

As I said mate I’ll keep the thread on my phone and check regularly to stay in contact, I’m sure I will post if I need any help and be happy to help if I can in anyway.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.

@Sammy1 I know you’re busy preparing and looking forward to your bfs birthday. I feel really ashamed to bother you. I was hoping @Jay2023 may be able to give me a piggy back whilst you take your break but he seems otherwise occupied. I humbly ask for your advice. It appears I’ve rocked the boat more than I thought by acting on my emotions and now I am very regretful and left facing the consequences.

If you pick this up in your notification, can you get back to me please?

@Dannydan

So, if I understand what happened, you resolved things and made piece with your ex mate and your ex. But you didn’t want anything beyond that, and now your ex mate wants to make amends and retrieve your relationship but with that will come the ex gf too. You did not want that, and you spoke with ‘B’ and she was was eager for you to make amends and “let bygones be bygones”. In the moment you  accused her of trying to control who is part of your circle, which she quite rightly took offense to. And now she is mad.

It’s hard to me to say who I think was the first one to cross a line.. I think you have a right to decide who will be a part of your circle. You can talk to B, listen her advice, think.. but it’s your choice in the end. I don’t know how eager she was for you to make amends, was she just suggesting, or was she pushing you a bit? Also, were you mad when you told that sentence, did you do that in anger, snap on her?

I’m not sure if you only made a mistake, or if she did too.. What I think, it’s that if you continue friendship or not with your ex mate and your ex, it’s your choice. You don’t have to do it because of B, you should do how you feel. Listen to her advice, take it seriously, but only you know how you will feel and you should decide. Personally, I understand your view.

I’m not sure how much was B pushing, was she just suggesting in a nice manner, giving advice… The sentence you said it’s not nice to hear, and if you said it in anger it’s worse… I see from your posts that you feel blame. I’m not sure if you are only one to blame, but maybe you are. How mad she is now? Two days have past I think..

I think you should have a talk with her. Tell her how you feel. Apologise for your sentence. Yes, you did a mistake. But people do that in relationships. I think fights can happen, and will, it’s unavoidable. But two people in a relationship have to listen each other, why did they do something they did. Yes, you said something that was not nice, and you maybe said it in anger, and you should apologize. From what you wrote, I don’t think you did something unforgivable. So I agree with Jay, give her time and when it’s time communicate how you feel in a calm manner. And be really sincere with her about everythiny, and about how sorry you are.

Also, whewer you decide about your ex mate… I don’t think you should decide based on thig fight with B. If you accept it only because of her, and you don’t really want that yourself, you will resent it.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.

@Jay2023 @Rhaenys @Sammy

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I’m a ball of nerves guys. I feel like I’ve gone back to the very beginning where I have lost control over myself.

All that work on regulating my emotions, not trying to act on impulse, not being hot headed in my reactions, being secure has all evaporated.

When I got the text from my ex mate on Monday evening congratulating me and asking if we could meet up in person to bury the hatchet. ‘B’ was resting in my lap, she saw my mood change, she’s very perceptive and she asked if I was ok.

I showed her the text and my initial emotion was disdain and I told her I was not going to reply. It was then she said it would be polite and courteous to reply saying thank you at least and then to reflect on the rest.

We began discussing it and she suggested that if I had really forgiven them then making amends fully might bring me more peace and she knew I missed him etc. She was suggestive not insisting.

I got hot headed though, I heard what I wanted to hear and let my own insecurities get the better of me and I said the controlling comment and how she had no clue of the pain they caused, basically took the annoyance out on her. I didn’t shout at her but I wasn’t very nice in my tone either.

She was obviously taken aback and said it was best if she didn’t stay over. I just said fine. That evening I didn’t message her, should I have done? I thought it would all blow over.

She’s never seen me as agitated as this. I’ve never seen her back away from communicating and resolving things right away either.

The next day I felt like an idiot and realised my stupidity,  in a calmer mood I decided to text her our usual morning banter when we are apart, she replied but very briefly with GM and have a good day.

I tried to call her but by then she was at work so I apologised over text and asked her few things about the wedding, things thawed a bit as we had some important things to sign off so there was an exchange of texts but all to do with the wedding nothing to do with the events of the night before. After work as usual she called and just said she would like it if we could have some space and was sorry but wanted to cancel the long weekend plans we had. I was upset but I realised how much it had impacted her and didn’t think it was the time to force her hand so said whatever you need and apologised again and said I love you. I heard her voice break, I know she was crying and she just said me too, speak soon and ended the call.

So I am panicking, I am gutted she is so upset and firstly I didn’t realise the gravity and now I can’t comfort her. If I could I’d scoop her up and hold her tight and tell her what an idiot I was over a stupid text. I want to respect her need for space and I am.

But I also can’t help but feel she may be having cold feet. I’m trying to sit patiently but I feel angry I hurt her again because of my past. I’m frustrated with myself that after all the work I’ve done, I still falter and can’t deal with the wounds of my past more effectively.

So looks like Danny is still a mess! I’m so disappointed in myself. What do I do? What if she calls off the wedding? It’s not like her to cancel plans. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get through this bank holiday weekend without worrying.

@Jay2023 thanks bro for the comforting words. I’m so sorry to be so self absorbed. My chest is in knots. Are you doing okay?

I really hope she isn’t having cold feet mate but I can’t shake the feeling, it’s just not like her to react like this but then we’ve never argued to this degree either. We butt heads often but laugh it off and we both love having that yin and yang to us too because it makes us grow together. If she doesn’t get in contact over the weekend it will be the longest whilst in a relationship we’ve not spoken at all. I just have this urgency to go to hers and hold her and tell her I’m sorry in person. I’m such a dick man. I finally have the most beautiful, kind, giving woman and I still manage to mess it up she wasn’t even asking anything  bad of me but trying to help me heal.

Danny bro you told me off for apologising in this thread before when you are in a situation where your emotions are out of sync so please don’t, especially after I’ve been at the centre of this thread for the past 2 months with my own problems.

I would strongly advise against approaching her until a certain and fair amount of time has passed as it could do further damage, it could one of those situations where in a couple of days you will feel silly for over thinking everything. The incident may have been a trigger to her thinking about things in more detail, marriage is a massive commitment and she may just need the time to reassure herself in her own mind, it may even been a blessing in disguise to further cement her own comittment but I would try not think of worse case scenarios as when you do speak to her it may get blown up into something bigger than necessary, you know the relationship and bond you have with her so trust that and try to not to worry mate.

@Jay2023 thanks for that bro. I appreciate the reminder.  I know you and Sammy have my back but when you feel disappointed in yourself like I do, the last thing you want to do is also be completely selfish on top. I know you have your own issues and Sammy wanted a break. So I do feel awful but at the same time I don’t have anyone other than my bro to open up to. With him he will not hold back and I know he will be disappointed in me.

You seem to handle conflict better than me mate. I thought I had grown but obviously I haven’t I defaulted to ignoring the issue (l wasn’t going to reply to my ex mate) and reacting impulsively (to ‘B’) both immature.

You mentioned she may be rethinking about her decision to marry, and this was what I was afraid of. I have worked on my self esteem after the blow from the ex, but the reality of the situation is I have baggage, I have issues that a woman like ‘B’ doesn’t need to put up with. I know she loves me, I feel it everyday and I love her with every fibre of my being and I know if I lost her I’d lose the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I wouldn’t find someone of her calibre again,  that’s not me putting her on a pedestal that’s pure facts. She is independent, classy, smart but above all the most kind, loving person, and the way she hypes me and supports and comforts is the stuff you dream of finding in a partner, she brings out the best in me, can she or would she say the same about me? I don’t know Jay and that’s what’s scaring me. I’ve let her down.

Once she was struggling herself and I didn’t know, but she still found time to call me and comfort me and apologised for not being there sooner. That’s the gem she is. I know this space is not normal for us, maybe she’s finally reached full capacity 🙁