@kkasxo

Thanks so much for your sensible words. You are right of course. I also feel that if I don’t do it now, it will go too long into the process and once he gets out the other side, there will be no way he will head back into the fire again.

When we reunited the last time, we were very naieve and didn’t know we could face heartbreak all over again. He will most definitely not try it a third time, knowing what we have been through.

I know I need to remember why we are not together. I need to remember. Dammit, he is on the pedestal, which is silly. It’s nice to know someone gets it though, how I’m feeling and the withdrawal.

I hope youre doing ok this morning.

@kkasxo,

That’s so true. I have often thought I could be happy with just what was on offer and to be honest, I would try but your innate wants and desires don’t stay buried, they eventually seep out. I guess that’s what happened with us, I tried to be patient for years but it seeped out many times and the pressure he felt was making him unhappy too. My therapist pointed out that if I wasn’t the age I am, I would have given him longer. He may still not have changed and grown by if I was in my 20s, I’d have time to give him, however naive it may have been.

I find if I think about it, the withdrawal gets worse, if I think about those kind caring little things. The only thing I can do now is to say each time such a thought creeps in, ‘you’re doing ok and you will be fine in the future, you’re getting there’. It softens the urge, however minimally. So thinking about him is a no no. It doesn’t help. We have to try and realise that THIS is our life now, the one we had is gone. Eek…I can’t even type that without it stinging and a certain amount of disbelief.

We can’t help how we feel and I guess they can’t help how they feel. So it’s ridiculously unfair but it’s life I guess. I want to avoid this pain, but if I don’t go through it, I’ll end up with pain worse than this down the road I suspect.

S

My ex was essentially afraid too. The frustrating thing for me is that I know what his issue kind of is, because of the therapy I’ve been in the past few years. My therapist has given me a good understanding of what has been happening and I feel it’s something that could be worked on by my ex, but you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. It’s acknowledged by everyone, friends, family and therapist that this is the biggest mistake my ex could have made and one day we will eventually regret it when it’s long passed too late.

Again, that doesn’t help me because I feel we had the potential for this happy ever after but he didn’t want to try. And yes, I should realise that someone who doesn’t fight for me is not worth it. But I can’t help if I love him, even though he didn’t give me enough and couldn’t no matter how hard he tried, I love who I love, flaws and all.

I think the point people make on forums and advice columns is that you should love yourself more. Yes, I should. But I obviously musn’t otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to think of ways to get back with my ex. These are not consistent thoughts but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it at all.

My anxiety has been simmering away in my tummy today. Not stopping me from functioning or working, but enough to know all is not well yet.

How has your day been?

Kkasxo,

You just had a weekend from hell (in a way, no disrespect to your bride) and you survived. You are functioning albeit with no happiness or joy.

The biggest thing with anxiety is that we have to be kind to ourselves. Supposed to treat ourselves like a really good friend we care about. The misery is horrendous, but remember you actually were coping for a good few days there with no contact. You just had a bump on the road with everything over the weekend. Totally understandable to be in the depths of misery today.

Its horrendous but I think I was coping better before I contacted him. Now it wasn’t dramatic or anything, a simple inquiry into how he is and a similar response and that was it, and it has thrown me a little I think. I feel I’ve opened a gateway I was in the process of closing.

If im honest, I’m not in the depth I was in when the split happened so loath though I am to admit it, that indicates progress. Now I’ll still argue I’m a mess and broken and will never heal, but maybe time is kinda doing it without my help even. If I do the bare minimum, it does the rest.

Now the question then becomes, do I really WANT to move away from this part of my life and that’s a different story.

Today was shit, write it off. Do anything you can think of to help with anxiety, breathing and writing down your thoughts. Meditation- guided.

Watch some Netflix and tomorrow is another day, it might be better, marginally, it might be the same as today. But you’re still alive, you survived today didn’t you, so you can survive tomorrow. Tell yourself that, even if you don’t believe it, the brain can’t differentiate between true or false things you tell it, it just needs repetition.

As for me, I’m pretty sure he won’t come back. He’s too scared. His life is simpler on his own, as he says himself, he only has to worry about himself then rather than worrying about anything ever happening to me. 🙁

Also- this lady has been putting me to sleep every night:

Check this out on Insight Timer!
http://insig.ht/gm_21563

Kkasxo,

Well if you go to a therapist, they can be very good in explaining what’s really going in if you want to understand. I know a lot more about my ex than he knows himself, due to therapy.

As for astrology etc, I do and I don’t. I read my star sign from time to time and it seems incredibly apt but then I think the same words apply to millions of other people with the same star sign as me, so I dunno. I have always felt a connection to stars – as in- literal stars in the sky! And the sea, which is controlled by the moon….so who knows!

I read a blog blog today about a girl who went through heartbreak in 2016 and described it very well as to what it REALLY feels like. She said her thing was to look into herself each time she wanted to think about him. He was gone, so there was no point in figuring him out, so she would ask herself questions about herself when she would have a question for him. To figure out who she was and why she thought she needed him so much. It was interesting.

General consensus from all advice, blogs, testimonials….it’s gonna take time. Like…..a long time. Not what we want to hear, but I guess we best be prepared and at least it might slacken off the criticism of ourselves for not feeling better sooner!

Kkasxo,

I’m the same! I want to know exactly how long! Therapist says I can’t have a date and time, it doesn’t work that way, it just fades and becomes easier to live with. Humans have the capacity to process grief and move on otherwise the species would have died out as everyone would have died of broken hearts.

So that’s the logic. But there is no logic this morning with my anxiety. I woke and spent past hour with an upside down tummy writhing away.  I think my ex had a brief cameo in one of my dreams but it certainly wasn’t a night filled with dreams about him so I can’t figure out why I take such a hit with anxiety in the middle of the night, towards early morning.

I know ‘this too shall pass’ but honestly it’s tough to deal with. What’s causing it? Why do I have it on top of the heartbreak? It’s most definitely at this time of day I have the biggest need to contact my ex. I would never, cos it would be pointless as he’s sleeping and also probable display me in a desperate manner, but it’s the worst feeling. I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s not easy.

Grief is tough and yes it’s like a death. Except a few differences. Death brings its own acceptance in a way. There is no additional agony of considering undoing it. Also, if someone dies, they might have loved you to the end & didn’t want to go, rather than choose to leave you and continue on existing & living not a million miles away from you. It’s painful.

I hope your evening turned out ok, I went to be relatively early to get as much sleep as I could over the course of the night. I’m really really sad this morning and the anxiety is beating me up.

Kkasxo,

Oh my gosh, that’s incredible. Do you realise how strong you are being, despite the immense pain? You are doing what’s best for you even if it’s not exactly what you WANT to be doing. At the end of the day, it seems quite dramatic at the moment with your ex. The interaction ye had over the weekend and the fact he’s just home from lads weekend.

If he’s genuine about fixing things, let him go away and work on it for the long term so it works out and is not just a knee-jerk reaction. I have to say, I admire you. You know you deserve better, even if it hurts like a spear. I have not got that far yet. I’m aware that I should have more self esteem and worth, to say ‘f**k him, he doesn’t deserve me’, but I can’t muster it up for some reason. I would take him back tomorrow if he changed his mind, despite knowing that there are issues there that caused the break up. Argh, it’s mind wrecking.

Well done Kkasxo, I hope your ex respects you enough to accept your wishes and you can try to heal a bit. I hope you can still keep me updated on progress so I don’t feel so alone and hope you can inspire me, but do whatever you need to do!

Kkasxo,

I completely get what you’re saying. You’re right, what would need to happen would be fundamental change and growth and that does NOT happen in a couple of days, it takes time and work. Usually by oneself, so you are smart, you are saving yourself the rollercoaster again this time that could see you split again soon in the near future.

As I said, if he really wants to make it work, let him do the work and come back to you in a good stable place. Anything else is unfair. I’m with you in your heartbreak, I’ve had so many stabs this morning already but I’ve come up with phrase. When I get a stab of pain or a reminder I say, Ok Shelby, that’s painful and sad, but it won’t be like this forever. In the future, such a reminder won’t hurt as bad. Would you believe, it’s actually kind of helping. I think humans are resilient and if you can believe in a time where you might not suffer as badly, we can nearly will ourselves to keep going until that point.

I’m sorry we don’t get the happiness we want. It’s not fair. It just isn’t but a friend told me this morning about a personal tragedy for her and I realise everyone hurts, in life, in various ways. Some people don’t experience heartbreak, lucky them, but many do. So I guess we’ll survive. Today is nearly over, don’t worry!!!!1 You’re getting there!