Morning guys, I had more hours sleep last night than I’ve had in a while so that done me the world of good, still not feeling too positive but I’m ready to tackle the day.

I’m know I’ve been a bit harsh on myself and is only human when those feelings are there, I just know in myself I’ve identified this is a weak spot that is hindering me moving on faster, Rhaenys you are so right with everything you said, I know everything being said is true as to what I deserve but the attachment just bypasses that all, I know it could take a while for this to pass so I’ll just keep doing as I am and adding any positive changes I can along the way and I know I will get to a better place.

I’m glad I’ve got this thread to post on, it makes me feel like I’ve got a safety net when I’m feeling like I have this week, I know it’s going to pass and I’m going to feel better so thank you for your replies

Hi Sammy, i think it was more to do with being emotionally and mentally exhausted why I slept so well, either way it was well needed. I agree fully with everything you said there and it is very good advice. I haven’t experienced anything like that for a very long time and ideally that’s all I want to feel content. I know that I wouldn’t let this past relationship cast doubt over future ones and hold me back, I think I’m pretty much one of those people who won’t fully get over someone until they meet another person who makes them feel the same way or better.

I do trust everything you say Sammy, you are living proof of that last post, I’m sure once I get to talk about this to someone and dissect everything I will be able to learn better thought patterns instead of going back to the same ones, in the meantime I’m functioning, I’m keeping to my routine and I’m keeping faith in better days coming eventually.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.

@Sammy thank you for the sage advice mate. You’re right I’m being selfish. I didn’t think about her thought process and why’s. It makes sense and thank you for that insight. I’ve had a totally different upbringing to hers and at age 16/18 were left to fend for ourselves. She is very independent but has that family centred core. It was what made me fall for her because she is very inclusive, supporting,  giving and selfless and that comes from her upbringing. Really appreciate the reminder mate so thanks!

@Jay2023 you sound very overwhelmed! @Sammy I think (correct me if I’m wrong Jay) he meant he can’t move on until all hope is gone i.e. the ex has found her one or someone better than him.

That is crazy Jay, you can’t put your life on hold for someone who doesn’t even care. Who disrespected you like that during. That’s suspending yourself hoping to be moved by some miracle that she will want you one day. Dude where’s your self worth and respect? Go find your damn happiness , yes care about her if you wish that’s a sign of a good hearted  person but never ever stop living or joving. Ahhh man!!!c’mon who has hurt you so much to make you think that’s all your worth?

I still confused by what you mean establish light contact with someone – do you mean her or someone else?

@Jay2023 I understand how you feel. Overthinking is your worst enemy, I’ve been in the exact same place. It’s quite embarrassing how I was at times.

Learn to just take things at face value. Try not to over read or question because most of the time the truth is right in front of us. Its us that twist and contort things in our mind to make it seem something it isn’t and its a very hard habit to break when you have a very querying or analysing brain. I get really understand and sympathise. That brain makes you intelligent, curious to learn but also gets you into trouble.

Danny,  how the heck did you deduce that? Too right you’re wrong lol! I was dying to say that lol 😆  Jay is not at those depths, he has just lost sight of the bigger picture that is all!

Jay,  you should never need to force these scenarios if you do then it normally ends like your previous relationship has. Like we discussed previously there was an aspect of you trying to make amends for the regrets in your previous relationship in this relationship but you lost yourself.

Is there anyone on your radar or someone naturally in a position to offer you support and what you need in return – company? A morale boost from the right person can do wonders. To be frank my current bf and I formed a friendship before it developed into anything romantic. Maybe that’s a better route for you, if nothing develops you still have a great friendship and don’t need to worry along the way.

I definitely wouldn’t advise jumping into another fully fledged relationship. You are not healed and in no position (no offense) to be a good partner right now.

One thing that Danny did do right was ask himself this list of questions, he posted it a while back it might be useful for you to look it up as an exercise for yourself.

In this situation I don’t get what you would gain from contacting her, so I agree don’t do it you’ve come a long way so far, reinserting yourself right now would be foolish because you’re clearly not ready to be just friends or acquaintances so you would only hurt yourself when rejected again, and the same spiral will begin. So don’t do that to yourself.

Only contact her after enough time has passed – several months or year usually, and when you are over the romantic feelings. Just like I did with my ex. We had a heart to heart then cut all contact again, I had to change my number, sever ties with his family. I healed some more and finally we both reached a stage of peace and became reacquainted. Like I said we will never be best friends, given the physical intimacy we shared but it’s nice the person you invested so much in and still care for you can still be in touch and care about still – just like Rhaenys is learning.

Sometimes we reach a stage where the infatuation disappears the rose tinted glasses lift and we realise actually this is a person who wasn’t very good to me, this person used me, I don’t care any longer. Then you’ll naturally not be bothered by wanting to establish any reconnection. Like Danny said when time passes, you’ll realise your and others true intentions.

Finally just some reassurance, I don’t have any medication but as a woman my mood goes through 15 different phases a day lol. So don’t think you need to be happy 24/7. We are exposed to so many stressor that it’s impossible to be just learn how to COPE with the varying feelings that is the key to success. Better emotional regulation.

@Sammy ahaha you’ve been waiting for me to slip up, gunning for me since day 1 😭😭. I’m messing. @Jay2023 my bad bro, I apologise for that assumption, so busy with everything that’s happening in my sphere I dropped the ball. I try my best to reply to everyone it’s just common courtesy. After all the help this thread has given me it would be rude and selfish to ignore anyone’s messages but I do agree with Sammy I should pay closer attention when reading. My advice could potentially upset someone already hurting. So in future I’ll definitely reply but take time.
How are you feeling with another weekend approaching bro? Any better today? Sammy gave some sage advice above, if you can’t be bothered looking through the thread. I can re post the questions and it’s an exercise that we can do on this thread. I know @Kkasxo and others found it useful.

@Sammy I know your previous message was addressed to @Jay2023 in regards to moving on and letting go, but something about gratitude resonated. It is very easy to get comfortable and take people for granted. I have been guilty of that myself in the past. I personally just wanted to add we may have had a rocky start but the amount of effort you put in to help even though you are now in a better place is a testament to your character. When people are in better place they often forget those who helped them there, you’ve helped others when you were low like Shelbyville, Michelle and whilst high like me, NBC, Jay. You’ve given your precious time, spared a thought for the feelings of others and check in when no one would expect you to, I think it’s an incredible quality you possess. Very difficult to find people like you, the people in your life are lucky to have you, I hope they know that and don’t take granted as I know people who exhibit kindness like you are often taken for granted. So I just wanted to take this moment to express my gratitude. I’m grateful to have had a virtual person who has given me the inspiration to continue to be a better person like ‘B’ offers irl. It’s encouraged me to make sure those in my life I express it to aswell! Eternally grateful to have stumbled across this thread, I agree with your sentiments about certain things placed in your life by God too. It’s all fated.

@Jay2023 here are the questions I asked. Copied and pasted.

If like me you suffer from self doubts which seep into your relationship decision making, then from my experience these were the questions I asked myself and wrote out, which led me back to ‘B’ and solidified my decision and feelings.

• What do I need in a meaningful relationship?

I knew I needed an emotionally supportive partner. Someone who would listen without judgement, compassionate, generous but actually encouraged me to be a better person. A best friend so someone I can be totally 100 with.

• Do our values and ideals align?

Discussing your morals, values, future frankly is so important if you want a serious relationship. There will always be a need to compromise but discussing it early you can avoid staying in a relationship longer than you should if there are major conflicts. B and I always had that instant connect where we could talk deeply about anything – we discussed so much the first time so when I was reflecting I knew with compromise (mainly physical aspect) we were otherwise pretty much aligned before the reconciliation.

• Is this person someone I truly trust to share anything with?

Real love is meant to grow. It can only grow if you have a deep emotional bond where you go beneath the surface and see their true self without feeling afraid in anyway – B saw all my faults, scars and I hadn’t even been fully vulnerable yet. I knew that was special.

• Is there some physical/sexual attraction there?

Before anyone jumps on me, I said SOME because I’ve grown up from my superficial views. However that being said it’s got to be there to some extent without it you will find your eyes and your heart wandering/fantasising when needs are not met – I’ve always thought ‘B’ was hot and initially it was more about the chase. It’s deepened into an indescribable force because of the emotional attraction we’ve built by spending time together without going for the home run. I have no doubt now about the physical intimacy and I’d describe her as beautiful now!

• Does your partner truly make you happy?

When someone makes you really happy, it has a noticeable positive effect on your life. When I think of ‘B’ it’s always positive connotations, she always uplifts me.

•  Am I ready to spend the whole of my life with this person until death does us apart?

Commitment should be taken seriously so many people just say go with the flow, stay in the moment and staying like that often leads to a dead end. If you love someone you’ll want to be loyal, respect and fully accept your partners imperfections. I accept B’s flaw – not many discovered yet! But I actually love her so much I know I’ll overlook them. I want to commit with intent that’s so important.

• Are you loving conditionally, is it a need for you, is your relationship equal?

‘B’ was a need for me the first time around. She saved me from drowning. I didn’t really offer her much but she clearly saw something in me. On reflection
I only really understood the meaning of love through ‘B’ after she walked away. I love her unconditionally now and I believe our partnership is on equal footing. I believe she offers me everything I’ve needed and more. I believe I offer her the same in return now.

The right person will feel like a light when you’re stumbling in the darkness, will make those racing thoughts and self doubts hush with their compassion and understanding. Have a positive energy and effect on you – from your mental space to all your relationships around you. Your productivity will increase and you’ll find yourself stepping up and wanting to do better not just for your partner but yourself too.  You’ll know it is real love because that person usually brings out the best in us.

Now @Jay2023 these questions make you realise what it is you need. If you had it with someone like I did with ‘B’ then make amends. If you didn’t it makes you realise what you deserve and to look for.

Thanks Danny, I appreciate the time and effort in that last post, I will certainly give the first post some time and consideration and then let you know my views.

Last weekend I had no plans and feared for the worst and it was okay, I’m not sure where the anxiety has come from there’s no specific reason, today I’ve not felt an overwhelming urge to know what’s going on with her or to check SM or sadness about things which I feel a sense of relief about today.  I’ve found this week quite challenging mentally so I’ll be glad to see the back of it. I think I will start getting myself together in the next couple of weeks and try to start making plans so I’ve got something to look forward, I haven’t really felt up to doing that recently but I thinks it’s important to start making positive plans.

Its definitely not anything external, I know it’s because I slipped and looked, it created lots of unnecessary questions in my mind and also weakened me to get back into a detrimental habit as I discovered things might not have worked out but I know if that’s the case then I’m just waiting for the next bombshell to set me back, I feel a bit stronger today that I can repel the urge to look for harmful information. Also I’m just feeling lethargic from the healing process, I have a void at the moment and it does feel a little bit lonely, this week barring one day I’ve just come home from work, had dinner and gone to bed which is not that stimulating for what I’m feeling at this time. I’m also waiting for medication to take affect as well so I know things will improve. I’ll have a good think about the questionnaire and come back with some thoughts, I can say I can’t tick many boxes from the answers I would have from the recent relationship but we all know that from my posts lol.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.