@Jay2023 sorry for the absence bro, life is in full swing! You sound more positive towards the latter posts but I admit I’ve skim read, are you eating now and feeling better than before? Much of the advice Sammy has given you is on point so I will not reiterate it. Just @ me if you need anything , I hope the weather and inwardly reflecting has lifted the mood. Keep us posted on your progress mate

@Sammy how are you doing? I’ve skim read a few of the posts, it appears you’re in a relationship now? Happy for you mate you’ve really done a lot of work on yourself. You should be proud.

@Jay2023

First things first bro, never apologise for feeling low. You feel how you feel, no one should negate that. I offer advice but that doesn’t mean I expect you to post you agree with it or to post only when you are feeling positive.

Writing out your feelings helps, you can see the progression. On bad days look back and see oh yes I did have a better day there so this low will pass. On good days look at the progress.

We’ve all been there! I understand the feeling you’re just going through the motions to keep up appearances. Don’t pretend, faking it is what gets us into the shit in the first place. We placate, we pretend it will get better but in reality what we need to do is feel all the feels and realise that those emotions we were trying to avoid are there to serve a purpose. They will in the end make us stronger. Showing yourself self love, being firm in who you are, expressing your emotions will help. Just keep reminding yourself that no matter how crap you feel things will get better.

Its ok you’re feeling low, it’s been 5 weeks. Each person heals at their own speed. You are grieving and no emotion will be constant or linear. There will be periods of feeling f**k it to periods of wanting her.

I think what you do need to really figure out are your feelings stemming from losing her or because of underlying fears and insecurities? It appears from the outside that there is something within you that believes this was your shot, you don’t believe there’s better for you even if you know you deserve better, would you say this is accurate?

Mourning perceived potential is dangerous you need to be aware that the “potential” was never there so technically you’re mourning something you never had. Can you answer this question,  what did you enjoy most about this particular relationship and was it really enough?

If it had been a situation where you had stated this woman was great to you, supported you,  expressed her love and encouraged you but something had felt off to her then I would encourage you to try again. In this case, I honestly do believe once you reach acceptance you’ll realise that this person and type of relationship is no where near what is out there.

I’m pleased to read there’s support in the form of your sister. It’s good to get out if you feel. Likewise if you want some time to yourself then thats perfectly normal too if it’s sadness only. Howevet if it’s depression, isolating yourself will only feed the narrative you are all alone.

Mate do the hard graft of learning to love yourself,  being better and I guarantee you will be in a much happier place 👍

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Danny.

@Jay2023
Aww I’m sorry my last post must not have been very helpful when you’re feeling stuck in a rut and so low. You will get there and the good thing is you’re not in denial, you acknowledge what you deserve even if at times you feel you’ve gone backwards.

There was a period where any progress I made seem to have evaporated, I felt like I was grieving all over again but it was just different emotions surfacing that I needed to process and eventually with some perseverance things turned around for me. So ups and downs are usual, you’re experiencing withdrawal. It’s not easy.

I’m so proud of you that you’re willing to focus on you and your self-esteem. Most men don’t do that, they jump into another relationship to seek distraction. Inevitably they hit the same brick wall. Even though it would give you an ego boost, false sense of confidence it doesn’t give you true happiness. So doing the hard work now will reap its rewards later. I’m proof.

Have you got anything planned for the long weekend? I’m here if you need someone to talk to if you struggle.

Also let’s focus on some positivity,what goals have you set yourself? We can cheer you on and keep you focused.

I agree that constantly moping serves no purpose, eventually your friends no matter how good grow tired of feeling helpless or frustrated seeing you sad, so some start to avoid you not because they don’t care but because they don’t know how to help. Then you start to feel let down and this vicious cycle begins of self pitying. Instead set goals to push yourself out of your comfort zone. The more you do it the more you’ll enjoy even the fleeting good vibes aaand want to feel good again.

@Danny

Thank you, yes I took the plunge and officially began dating my besties bro. Taking it very slow. I have my new home to focus on too. So things are in a good place for me right now. I’m so ashamed to say this time last year u was suicidal over my loss, heading towards indefinite insobriety. Time really does heal. I’m so glad with the work I did. Ex and I have a new found respect for one another too, I’m happy to re engage with our mutual friends again and be mature. How’s ‘B’? You seem flat out, are you in full swing with your wedding or work?

A little off topic but with talk of restrictions lifting, reflecting on Covid I can’t help think of @Kkasxo, the last we heard she had Covid. I hope you are ok if you pick up on this notification. A small reply would be amazing!

@Jay2023

Dammit that’s the last thing you needed to hear when you have a long weekend off. Aww Jay I really feel your pain. Think of it as a plaster ripping it off quickly is better than slow painful pull.

The fact you know that she really wasn’t into tou for already moving on so quickly will sting no doubt but now is the moment to really use that anger to ignite passion in loving yourself better. Don’t allow this or her to ruin your weekend. Make plans. Do what us ladies do best, we get up dust ourselves off and then pamper ourselves. If that’s not to your liking have a gaming marathon with your friends,  post something on Social media if it makes you feel better. But don’t let this defeat you as she’s just proven her worth. She used you until something better came along.

I’m here I’m spending Easter with family and starting some planning on new place. So if you need to talk let me know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry she can’t see the man we see. It’s definitely her loss Jay. You keep reminding yourself that. It was a dream you lost, dreams can be reimagined,  you just have to have the vision to seek better for yourself. X

Thank you Sammy, I know the timing of it! It was gonna happen sooner or later, I’m an over thinker so I would rather know than not, as I said it will help but just feels raw at the moment, it’s highlighting everything that was wrong for me anyway, the spark was well and truly gone, we was never suited well for long term, I just got attached to someone who would never be in for the long haul when in the beginning I wasn’t, it’s all a learning curve, I don’t regret anything because of where I am now to where I was at the beginning.

I know from your experiences drink isn’t the answer and I promise you I’m not doing it for that reason it is to purely socialise, I would rather be around people than be at home alone right now, I will feel terrible tomorrow but it is what it is!

There’s no defeat with my personal plan, it doesn’t change anything for me, sure it hurts but that’s life, to be honest I’m not bitter about it, if it makes her happy then I accept that because I would never want to hold anyone hostage for my own happiness, my time will come.

I’m concentrating on where I am now to where I was at the start and the growth is exponential so it can only get better and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? Lol

I hope you have a nice easter with you family, its so refreshing for people I’ve no physical connection with to be sympathetic and I promise you it helps me, so kudos for that, I was thinking earlier when I get to your stage it will nice to past the experiences and advice down to someone else on this thread who may need help in the way I do because we have all experienced a really hard situation, it can be really tough out there and this is on par with therapy for me so thank you

Thank you that means a lot, I like to think I am intelligent just naive in love lol! Its okay no one was being insensitive they know I would rather know to speed up the healing process, the key to this whole thing is she never let go and moved on even though she knew I wasn’t long term and me being me just didn’t want accept that and has made it more difficult by dragging it out, now I can finally start to move on in my own mind, I know I should done this off my own back but I just never wanted to give up on the thought of fairy tale ending, probably watched too many films lol.

I will be fine, the weekend will be a downer but mindset can now change for me, sometimes I think it takes the person you care about to move on before you can, this was the case for my last relationship.

I do appreciate your words though! If you can detect that through txt from a stranger hopefully someone will grab it with both hands in real life and appreciate it! I do know though self love is the key element for me first of all, I’ll post up if I struggle over the weekend with any thoughts!

@Jay2023 surviving? I do hope your Easter weekend has been good.

@Jay2023 no bother, spending Easter Sunday with my parents just relaxing.

I feared you’d feel rubbish after an alcohol binge. I think you’re doing the right thing in detoxing so your body remains healthier as the stress of the heartbreak must mean your cortisol levels are through the roof. Loss is loss and it’s hurtful but if you keep hope you can make it to happier times,  this is just a moment in your life. It will not last forever keep reminding yourself of that.

Do you struggle with anxiety generally or is it only during breakups? I know you mentioned you were depressed over September when you lost your job. So maybe because you’re struggling so much seeing the GP for medication may help you. Others on this thread like @Tim1 and @Shelbyville took them when things felt too much. So it must help.

I’m glad you don’t want to be in her life, recognising that is an important step in not going back. Like Danny said it helps to remind yourself of the facts especially when we seem to put the ex on pedestal and just put ourselves down. You need to shift it so you are the one who is up there because based on the facts you deserve to be after all you gave. This person didn’t live up to your dreams or potential, she didn’t care for you, make you grow,  she didn’t support you or remind you of your worth.

I know it is inevitably going to be painful but believe it or not you’re so lucky to be out of this toxic relationship now. Also imagine losing a woman who was all the good things above the pain would be unbearable. Although it seems it, you’ll realise soon enough you haven’t really lost anything other than an attachment and physical intimacy.

Are you taking an indefinite break from social media? Or just until Tuesday? It may help just staying off until you’ve healed if you’re struggling with facing things. I’m the opposite I learnt just letting the emotions flow through and confronting them head on makes me heal better.

Jay you’re going to get through this. Each day is about survival right now, soon you will look and see how much further you have come without even realising.

Go for walk or run it really helps almost sweat the bad vibes out. It’s beautiful day.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Sammy.