@Jay2023 glad you had an equally happy mummy!

Soak in the feeling you feel today and write it down if you have to, it will be a reminder on the low days you can and will feel good again! Once you start feeling consistently good, you will not allow yourself to feel sad for long. You’ll get more clarity.

Dating apps are tricky but unfortunately the only way to meet new people these days! Healing for you is priority, once you do by then restrictions should be lifted and you can meet someone randomly!

How interesting!! I thought as much when you said you regret your prev relationship to this day. Reminded me of Danny who went into a relationship with ‘C’ to avoid facing what he had lost with ‘B’.

Men do it all the time, my ex didn’t realise what he lost until it was gone. With me and him there was too much water under the bridge but him making amends healed me and him. It made me feel like I was finally seen and heard by him, he had really reflected on his part in the pain and hurt. It made me really respect him for his courage, I was no longer hurt but happy he was growing and now I don’t look back with feeling of hurt.

You do realise that it’s never too late to make amends. I’m sure you said sorry to your previous ex but that’s just a band aid for both parties. It covers up painful time without actually making it right. And it remains there somewhere deep in your subconscious, as you are now aware it caused you to make amends to the wrong person and through a new relationship by seeking something to make yourself feel better, by being better to her. Really you need to face the past wound in my opinion.

I still do not get to this day why you men only appreciate what you lose. I’d love some light shone on this by you and Danny. What goes through your mind?

Do you men not comprehend that in situations where the women knows she can do better or when your down and out but she still stands by you and gives you the time by taking a huge risk in investing in the potential proves how loved you are?
Do you not imagine you fulfilling the potential? Do you not visualise yourself at that point of life that you are now to know what you have is special and if someone can value and love you at your lowest then at your highest you’ll be incredibly loved? Therefore you should pull your socks up and show her what she means?

Now you find yourself giving all you can to the new relationships by being better, but those women still walk away. They don’t appreciate you like the woman who tried to stand by you at your lowest. Why do most men comprehend the folly of their decision later? Genuinely curious!

I’m confused who is messaging your mum? Your current ex or prev ex? Either way just don’t be so hasty in cutting off those links let them die down naturally. I struggled with letting go of my exes family, they were part of my life and everything I knew for 5 years. My ex was kind enough to allow me to remain in contact even after he tried to win me back, if he had taken them away or stopped interaction it would make everything more acutely painful. Allowing me to naturally create space was easier. I still love and care for them all but know I can’t message or call like I once did.

And don’t compare yourself to others, I’m sure you’re old enough to know social media is mainly for those seeking validation (I’m guilty of it) and selecting only the certain elements that protray happy lives!

Funnily enough the people you want to get to know or connect with, are the ones who are genuinely happy in life and you will not find on there.

Social media can cause you to spiral if you believe everything you see on there is real, instead appreciate what you do have. Its clear you have good friends, lovely family and a career, no responsibility etc.

If you’re pursuing happiness, look inwardly. It’s the only place you’ll find it. I asked myself am I happy with who I am, what I offer to the world etc once you start healing inwardly and have grace you’ll feel happier.

You can never find happiness in a relationship, new car, phone etc
You’ll keep chasing after the next thing, it will never be enough.

I’m glad you are working on healing, I’m glad you are going down the right path by reaching out for help instead of suppressing all your emotions.

You will get there Jay and be a better man for it! I’m sure of it. X

@Jay2023

That can happen after a high day, but it’s okay. Just got to learn how to surf through or against the wave..like you said an early night and some sleep will aid in reachieving that revitalised feeling again.

Also don’t forget to commend yourself on your progress. 3 weeks NC is an achievement. Bit by bit you’ll be further than you thought. You’re not purposefully wallowing or self pitying. You’re feeling the sadness and recognising it’s normal but actively trying to carry on. So keep at it!

You’re doing the right thing letting your mum decide. Like I said with time naturally communication dies down or becomes less bothersome.

So its just boils down to immaturity and inexperience in men?

The cold facts of life are that no one is obligated to stick around and put up with the other’s bullshit. You should never get complacent becayse no one deserves to live a life filled with stress and emotional pain. You can’t keep someone waiting while you figure out what you really want from life.

Your previous ex rejecting you when you were like that, was the most powerful step she could take in moving forward in life even though she loved you. In the end it was your actions that resulted in that moment. I guess you had to learn the hard way when a woman is done – she’s done.

It is good to hear maybe not to you that she moved on, it may help you heal deep down to make real amends, re engage and express what you just said to me to her. Tell her you are happy she found what she deserved in a letter if meeting would not be welcomed. I doubt anyone would not want to hear that even if they found peace themselves.

It may be the catalyst to letting go of regret and trying to fill a void. It may help you make better choices and set better boundaries for yourself too. Just an idea.

In addiction recovery there’s a 12 Step recovery process, so step 8 and 9 includes the practice of recognising how your behavior has harmed others and seeking to repair the mistakes and damage caused during that phase directly or indirectly if it will cause harm.

I think to become better humans and have better relationships we should do this type of reflection and action taking regardless to demonstrate our new way of life. It shows your intentions and actions are aligned.

As they all say on this thread. In time, this too shall pass. On your down days stay clear of socials and find a hobby to distract you. I know whats it like opening Instagram and seeing a picture of your friends new baby or engagement and although you’re happy you feel you are losing in life. That comes from our own train of thoughts. You need to reframe them. Once you do it consistently you see things differently.

@Jay2023

I really should be cracking on with work but the conversation is a welcome break!

I suppose it is easier to stick to no contact but gaining control of those intrusive thoughts requires more steely determination.

Does the fact she is actively looking for someone else not put you off? Instead of making you sad, does it not make you feel ‘If I was her person, she wouldn’t look elsewhere or treat me like this. Therefore why am I wasting my energy thinking of her with someone else? If she thinks someone else can do better then let her find it.

Effectively she was already emotionally cheating on you whilst with you.

My ex even though I desperately wanted him to choose me,after all i had invested for close to 5 years when he tried to win me back, it dawned on me I was doing myself injustice, I deserved to be chosen, not an after thought. I deserved better. But I really did love him, I wanted him to grow up and not hurt someone else like he did me. I knew even if he “beat me” there would be a little jealousy at first but no sadness or wallowing because he would have found his fit, I’d be happy for him.

He hasn’t entered another relationship, but I have. I respect him for being good about it as we are all part of a mutual friend group,  I’m dating my best friends bro. He didn’t try to meddle, he accepted I really did deserve better and wants that for me too. I can’t say we are friends because I changed my number. However we have mutual friends so if we cross paths we are amicable and will have some mature interaction.

I don’t know maybe I believe in karma,  you reap what you sow. My conscience always makes me want to make an extra effort to not hurt someone. When I do, were all human, even if it was years ago I would still try to make amends. Anything bad in my life would feel like karma.

I reflected on my prior flings when it was over with my ex, some were actually very good guys, where I’d often been the heartbreaker.

I never did anything spiteful or mean but I still reached out to some, it was well received. Even those married. I just felt I had not treated them like I would like to be treated now with honesty, communication, closure and integrity. I feel better for it and I didn’t disturb anyone’s life because I had no ill intention.

I guess everyone’s different. I can’t live with regrets or bad energy.

I’m glad you’re reflecting on what a healthy relationship entails. What you need and deserve. Build your self esteem and love yourself and it will cause positive domino effect in all aspects of your life. Choose you and you choose better for yourself. That doesn’t mean you can’t be selfless, it means you just set boundaries too so when you are not getting your needs met you after a fair opportunity, you walk away for yourself.

@Jay2023

I had a tight deadline to meet and it’s hard to catch a break but I still like to take time out for change of focus when I feel bored or unproductive just didn’t realise how much I had delayed so apologies for the late reply. Lucky you, that you get periods of free downtime but it must suck when the mind needs occupation.

Try downloading a game or even watching Netflix or series during those periods to avoid slipping into the habit of ruminating.

I understand the pain you are describing in wanting to be the person for her but I think it’s more rooted in wanting to be chosen and validated more than anything.

Also because it was mainly one sided the feelings you describe appear to be based upon an idealised version or potential you felt rather than the actual reality. Some people do deserve that pedestal but in this case I don’t think she does.

Soon when that fog lifts, I hope you realise your own worth. You deserve much better than a one sided romantic relationship. You seem like a kind and giving person in a relationship. You deserve that in return.

Just thinking about how much you were willing to sacrifice and do for her makes me think she must have been manipulative all along knowing she was never ready for a commitment to you but knew by keeping you around, she could use you as a blanket when the chips were down. You may have codependency maybe because you crave certainty and clearly absorb other peoples feelings, people pleased with her and weren’t assertive to say anything or walk away yourself when she definitely wasn’t meeting your needs?

She strung you along, why would you do that to when you could commit knowing how lucky you are to find a kind, generous man, especially one who is offering stability and willing to be a father figure and take on 3 children! The loss is definitely not yours in this case. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Remember when there’s pure love but circumstances mean you are not the right fit then when one of you does move on for good, it is usually happiness that is felt above any other emotion. You want them to be happy even if it means it can not be with you.

If love wasn’t as deep and pure it’s indifference. If the love was toxic primarily you feel jealousy.

I loved my ex in a very pure way, he didn’t return that in the same way at that time, or not in the way I needed. In the end after an emotional rollercoaster on/off for close to 5 years, I realised we just didn’t fit, I no longer wanted it, love requires work not you losing yourself and damaging your own self worth. BUT I still want him to be happy and grow, I really do. I moved on before him probably because I didn’t date right away and took my time to fully heal and grow from that chapter. But I respect him a lot more for how he made amends, how he has been since, although he realised some things which could have saved our relationship far too late, he was sensible and stood down when he knew I was serious about my besties bro. We’re not friends by any means but after a year we can finally be in the same room and have small talk, we’ve let bygones be bygones. It feels so mature.

I hope if your connection was real, then you both get to that stage one day and can talk again.

You said you worry no one will love you the way you love. I used to fear that too after my ex because honestly I love very deeply when I commit to someone. But i realised I was overthinking, having  expectations. Rather than focusing on having love returned in the “exact” way i give, focus on how I am, who I am with the person. Be with someone who will take care of you, like really take care of you. I mean take care of your soul, your wellbeing, your heart. Honestly to get there you have to do that for yourself first.

Once you start loving yourself in an unconditional way you chose better partners.

In JTs famous words ‘what goes around comes back around’ so I try not to be what I wouldn’t want done to me. Once you start living by those rules overall you make better choices for yourself too.

How was your weekend? I remember in the initial period I used to dread the moments where I had nothing to do and instead of planning or filling it or learning to sit through those alone moments with patience. I filled myself with booze!

The thing is rather than actively seeking or actively avoiding those kind of updates or exposure, let them occur because the more they do, the more mental toughness you develop, it makes you more resilient in the long run so you’re not affected so much each time. So what if she’s changed her pic or speaking to another guy. You were already aware of both those facts. So don’t let it have control over you.

My ex obviously went down the get under someone to get over someone route with casual flings, he was a typical boy but my initial reaction was to crumble, I went for the booze to numb the associated feelings.

But @Tim1 and @Shelbyville were great at that time so was my best friend who acted as my buddy. I pulled myself together and was tired of feeling down so I worked on reframing my thoughts. I told myself this was bound to happen. I told myself it was not a reflection of us or me but just him, how he had chosen to deal with the fallout and it was on him. I told myself it was no longer my problem. The last thing I wanted to do was spiral into further doubts about not being enough when the relationship had already worn my self esteem down.

So the subsequent bits on his arm I didn’t avoid hearing about but I just chose not to react to either. Seriously why should you allow someone who doesn’t even want you to continue ruining your days. Just let the wave of emotions pass through knowing it can only get better because you will find your soulmate.

Having people around you who are positive, supportive and inspiring is so fundamental in achieving a healthier outlook. I’m glad you have your sister to lean on who understands the effects of anxiety and depression in a better way. With men, I’ve realised you have it tougher without the same support network as women.

Lucky you, I’m guessing you’re not from the UK if you’re able to go out to pubs or restaurants or even friends for drinks? If you’re rule bending then i don’t blame you I’m tired of being locked in here! There goes my holiday too after today’s announcement. I really hate this new normal!

Gaming is akin to retail therapy for women! So I’m glad you’re able to enjoy that. With tv as silly as this sounds, try watching something that doesn’t require much brain engagement so nothing like a psychological thriller more junk like reality TV. It can be very soothing during heartbreak!

My weekend was spent with my parents even though they are annoying at times I’m glad I got this time with them to be back home. In few weeks I’m moving into my new place. New beginnings. Fingers crossed.

@Jay2023

You know it’s almost a year since I first posted in this thread. I can recall the desperation. It was exactly 2 days before lockdown began he called time. So this weekend I had a drink to toast my progress, I didn’t think I would be the person I am today. I didn’t think I’d be a new homeowner, ready to start something afresh with someone who had always been there but not visible. It is all timing, everyone has their own. All you can do is grow and learn to take the better roads.

So thank you for the recognition and I’m touched you read over my story. It was an emotional rollercoaster and on top had Covid 19 to deal with it was intense but it led me back to me, renewed hope and faith, taught me a whole new way to do things, see things. I became a better person because of it. I still have the same abundance of love, just giving it to someone who hopefully loves me too this time.

Write your story on here, or write it in a journal. it’s never late. One day you’ll look back in amazement at yourself! I think you already have a lot to be proud of, you mentioned in Sept you became redundant and split up with her. So look how much on your own you achieved by picking yourself up going through the torture of interviews, landing a job! Yes, you went back to her when you shouldn’t have but maybe you needed to learn the hard way, and break up sex is common.

When I contacted my ex for closure there was a moment where after all was said, we had cried and he held me, the temptation to succumb and to sleep with him or feel his body even if it was the last time was intense but something in me knew that was the easier choice. It is the difficult choices that we are fearful of that end up usually being the right ones, I had to instead love myself, which meant not going back for another round. Now looking back it was the best decision and I have more respect for him as a result.

Everyone told me to block and remove everything and I did initially but I found that suppressing was harmful it made me anxious and my mind run wild, hence the need for booze to numb those thoughts. So feeling the emotions and just learning to be more mentally strong makes you better. So don’t actively seek info or avoid. Also like any fear you can run but not hide, so better to face it head-on and allow it to shrink.

No judgement here, I’ve bent the rules a few times myself. It’s impossible to live indoors without social interaction especially when your job is wfh too. My family home has lovely fields to walk in but nothing beats a chinwag with my bestie and now seeing my new bf!

Gaming can be a touchy subject but you’ve come to that realisation yourself that there is a whole real world out there, gaming can make you a hermit if not careful, my ex used to prefer that to a date night. Everything in moderation is best. Junk tv is a guilty pleasure so indulge in it if it makes you feel better!

Just a thought that came to me as I really see you improving and doing better, in future relationships don’t let this make you want to play games to have control or to avoid being hurt. You need to be authentic and vulnerable to form a healthy partnership. I reached out to my ex for closure, most people were surprised as the general rule is don’t contact if you’re the rejected party as you will look desperate, you have no pride but I did it to heal and forgive, it was the best choice as in the end I’ve taken all the steps to be a better version and I know who I am, what I want and need. I know my self-worth and what to compromise on and give. This thread offered so much insight into my behavior I’m very grateful, that’s why I love to balance the scales and give back, So I try my best to be there for others who have experienced the same.

Hey,

First of all, if you have brokenup with the people due to some logical reasons, you should not feel sad or guilty for your own decisions.

If you have broken up because you really wanted to get move on, I suggest, you should proud of yourself because you have ended a relationship in a well mature manner. Still, if you feel sad or depressed or alone, Go for a Trip and spend time with yourself and Nature Because nature is the only thing that can heal you internally.

Being transparent is find and to left any relations which has to end is completely Fine! Sometimes things don’t workout the way they should.

So you see, It’s Okay to not feel Happy but it should be temporary! Remember that!