@Jay,

It’s good you are able to keep busy with work, at least it gives you a bit of a break from the anxious feelings surrounding this relationship. If it is easier to cope by dealing with it bit by bit then take that path.

Although I will say the out of sight, out of mind may be good enough approach for now. Usually what happens is, you’ll end up suppressing how you really feel and that can be dangerous, it can all bubble over and manifest into something far greater (for me it was alcohol to keep it numb). Would a better approach not be that you kill any remaining hope, even if that means you require another rejection to propel you to let go, then begin to really heal and move on?

Because right now you have hope and you will cling to that in any way possible. This in the end will only delay and hurt you further based on her consistently indicating you’re not the one for her.

I know the decision was taken out of your hands and like most insecure men who are in love, you would prefer to continue contact with her. But the fact you are recognising being friends is pointless when you have feelings and only harmful to yourself is a positive step forward to loving yourself first.

She obviously is self aware to a degree if she is suggesting you don’t contact her, because she knows she no longer wants to be with you. She knows you have feelings and she wants you to move on. It’s a cruel to be kind situation. Imagine being in her shoes, what would you do?

I really hope it was a sincere genuine connection you shared and it naturally reached its end. I hope you were not used by her as an option, to make her feel better, desired etc. Because that’s just cruel.

Try not to rely on possible reasons i.e. her past relationships have hurt her so she’s scared or she’s a commitment phobe. You can’t change her or her circumstances. It only ever works if the person wants to change themselves. She has made it clear she doesn’t feel the need to for you and doesn’t really feel the same way. You have to accept this and just start improving your own worth that you don’t settle for someone’s breadcrumbs.

I have a feeling if she came back even for attention you’d welcome her back with open arms. You wouldn’t demand what you deserve or set her straight on how she’s made you feel. You would gloss over it to play happy families. Your self esteem is incredibly low.

A confident person who loves someone despite the emotions will make it clear what they want, what they deserve and walk away if necessary. They will not change their boundaries or appease. Everyone faces rejection in life but confident people walk away knowing it’s their partners loss.

Given how you treated her, you showed her love, respect, compassion and was very giving. You should be feeling shes the fool for not seeing what she had and valuing you.

Instead you are being desperate, you are taking the rejection as a confirmation of you lacking etc. Can I ask what your previous relationship experience was like? To see if there’s patterns?

I do believe there is an element of addiction and validation, the thrills of the chase, drama and extremes you experience are like a drug and this doesn’t sound like it being pure love. Perhaps it is love how you know it, but from experience of on/off for almost 5 years let me tell you in the end it always teaches you what love isn’t! Love should feel warm, love should be a partnership of equal give and take, love should make you prosper and have a positive effect on your growth and  relationships. Love should never make you question what you mean to someone.

Even after splitting my honest opinion is you’re looking for a distraction, validation and ego boost through others. Why? This is what really needs your focus, so you can have a healthy relationship in the future. Otherwise it will be the same pattern.

This friend who you have known and are planning to meet, I hope she knows you are hung up on an ex. If both parties have same intent then that’s cool, why hook ups exist. Because the last thing you want to do is enter a new situation, lead her on, find that she’s not enough (which I guarantee you she will not be whilst you have unresolved feelings for someone else) and make her feel how you feel right now. People have emotions and should not be toyed with to make ourselves feel better. So be wary of the consequences of your own actions. As a wise man once said (@Tim1 ) you will end up hurting others and being part of the problem and end up perpetuating toxic relationship cycles.

I really think you need to accept and tie up the loose ends and heal yourself before you jump into anything new.

Being by yourself is hard at first but ever so rewarding when you find peace within your soul, find your self belief and thrive.

@NBC

I have a long weekend off so thought I’d respond before I get busy. I was going to write a response to your first question but I feel it would only be regurgitating what I’ve posted before. If you scroll back you will see the process involved in me realising ‘B’ was the one all along.

Now your situation with your B involved a different set of circumstances. My ‘B’ the type of person she is would not have got involved with me let alone taken me back, if she had met me if I was married.

She has a strong moral compass, is very compassionate, understanding but knows her worth and sticks to her core principles and values. She would not entertain that.

Despite my drawbacks after A’s betrayal believe it or not I would never cheat, I’d never look for another woman whilst married or in a committed relationship even if it was crumbling. I’m traditional and loyal in that sense. So in many ways we are a match.

So do I see you B having a growth, taking accountabilty and having an epiphany you were the one? In all honesty after your latest encounter it proves very unlikely, old habits die hard. He’s unlikely to change at this age. I think it’s time to let go and move on for good.

I’m quite impressed with Sammy’s intuitiveness, I’ll admit when I first joined this thread, Her voice was one I muted because it was hard to face what she wrote – the hard truths without fluffing it up too much. However it has really helped me grow. Pushed me to reach a stronger place quicker. I hope in time you reflect on some of it again and gain a different insight.

Your path is yours to take, whichever road you take i wish you the best of luck. I hope you heal from this chapter to find what you deserve, which is definitely more than what your B offered.

Work on your self worth, look into OCD, I think there’s an element of obsessive thinking involved because 5 years is a very long time to still be trying to figure him out. I hope the meeting gave you clarity to move forward and you’ve garnered enough insight to realise what a healthy relationship entails.

@Jay / @Jay2023 @Dannydan

Guys, do you think I’m brutal? 😳 “cold” “hard” truths lol! I guess I don’t sugar coat it but I mean well.

Danny I’m genuinely sorry at the beginning I admit I did have a not so great opinion of you, maybe if I wasn’t in the middle of my own mess, I would have been a little more sympathetic. In the end you did the work and you proved to yourself and everyone exactly who you are and who ‘B’ saw. An inspiring, intelligent, resilient, loving and caring man who made a mistake, had the courage and capacity to admit his errors, take accountability and make amends. Then you thrived. It’s what we should all aspire to have: the drive to change for the better each day. I’m so glad you met your ‘B’ and like I’ve said before I hope you realise the huge amount of growth you have undertaken. Really proud and you restored my faith in men!

Jay, I completely understand if you just needed to write it all out to get it out of your system rather than needing advice. Feel free to dump your feelings anytime and put a side note of just venting. That will at least give me a heads up about what you are needing. Sorry if my advice was full on. Like Danny said we all choose the path we take, I jope you choose wisely. Keep us updated if you want. X

@Jay2023

It’s the difficult moments in life that shape us! No matter how bad things appear right now. Hold onto that hope it will get better. In the future when you’re with the right one or even thriving on your own it will make sense.

Even though I may come across as very blunt. I’m very romantic, I have a giving heart that wants to share all the love I have and receive it back,  just the once. I’ve never really experienced it back. But I still hope and with hard work on myself I think fingers crossed it is finally starting to fall in place.

Although I strongly believe you shouldn’t enter another relationship until you’ve done the work. Just look at your past and present, has no woman ever believed in you? Did you give her a chance? I bet you have, but because of your low self esteem and attraction patterns you’ve overlooked them.

My new boyfriend was there all along. I never saw him in a romantic light, I don’t want to jinx it but I can promise you when you finally have done the work on yourself you’ll want what’s best for your soul – stable healthy connection, the feeling will be all encompassing and beat the euphoria experienced of on/off relationships.  Real love is a slow burn.

A person who sees you, emotionally understands you, who you are attracted to on all levels physically, emotionally, intelligently, spiritually like Danny always says, is an incredible feeling! It does exist. The change has to come from us , within. Our choices.

You can only get and keep better if you do better. Believe in yourself. Don’t let anyone convince you that you are only worthy of breadcrumbs.

@Dannydan

Thanks for getting back.

I understand that the particularities of our situations are different. However, the basic narrative is the same: boy meets girl, boy hurts girl and pushes away, boy realises that he should go after the girl.

Well, maybe bar the third element 😊 in my case.

I am sorry if I led you into believing that I was incessantly thinking about B all this time. This is not the case. Furthermore, now that after our encounter it is clear that he is not into me in any degree (at least, now), I hardly give him a thought at all.

I guess I never go after the unattainable. I entertain hope, deep down, with or without being aware of it, if the situation is ambiguous. And then it depends on how ambiguous it is and for how long. This determines for how long and to what extent I am “on the hook.”

I did look up OCD several times in the past. Frankly, I don’t believe I am that extreme. But thank you anyway.

And thank you so much again and again for your male perspective! You’ve been like a mentor to me. Time to go back to reread those male psychology books, they are obviously on to something – your insights are the proof! Time for a refresher!

Wishing you and your ‘B’ all the happiness imaginable and especially not to forget what it is that made you go back to ‘B’ and the feelings that you are experiencing now!!!

@Jay2023

It is a bitter comfort for me as a female to see that men can have the same doubts and feelings – just like women.

@Dannydan’s and @Sammy1’s advice to you is also applicable to me, very much so.

We’ll get there! Keep up the good work!!!

@NBC

I’m so glad you found this thread useful and it’s aided you in your healing. Yes, unfortunately you were missing the most crucial element. You will find someone one day who doesn’t make you question your worth. That is the person who will remind you how worthy you are, this person is the only one worth losing sleep over!

Thanks mate for your kind wishes and I cross my heart that I’ll honor ‘B’ and remember exactly why it’s her. Even when she annoys me about the toilet seat!

Happy ever afters are over rated. It is in the struggles and gaining insight and growing where you find real happiness. I wish you all the best for your future. If you need any other male perspective just holler!

Danny

Hi @Jay2023

I will not have the time later in the week to respond.

Unless you have a few extra pounds to lose, you have to eat mate! Don’t ruin your health. Breaking up is the same grieving process as someone dying. It’s loss. So I understand the sadness and pain. It will pass, as cliché as it is time heals everything.

If your connection is deep and you miss her and still want to be there for her, then you need to weigh up if you can be friends without expectations. You both get something out of it. Perhaps that is what she wants especially if you’ve had the talk before and it’s been made clear by her you’re not the one.

However if she has said that and you’ve tried platonic but she is then engaging in being non platonic – she is disrespecting you mate and playing you when she’s bored.

Do you deserve that? You deserve more respect than that if you’ve been there for her and care the way you do.  If there is disrespect there and you still want to be there and not walk away, then like we said before it boils down to your own issues. Insecurity,  lack of self love, belief, worth and respect.

Once you work and focus on those improvements, I bet you will not even want this woman anymore!

Also well done mate on owning your sensitivity and softer side. Its something I really struggled with from an early age so it led to me choosing women who were bad for me, that same natural sensitivity and heart on sleeve women can possess I would project and make it a weakness in them too. I was so wrong!

You will get through this, just feel all the feels and let it pass through you. When you’re down you can only go up. Decide what you want to do , if it’s a big impact then start feeding not just yourself but your soul. It needs to heal. Grow and then thrive. You’re not alone we’ve been there and understand! Chin up bro!

@Jay2023 was mothers day so had a jam packed weekend to pamper my mum at home so didn’t get chance to reply sooner.

When we are inexperienced in relationships we always are in the grass is greener on the other side frame of mind. However, the grass is greener where you water it. It’s about recognising the essential qualities needed in a good partnership and compromising on the shortfall. If your previous relationship entailed you walking away from something worth working with, I’m not surprised you’re in this predicament.  Can i ask why you regret it exactly, did you hurt your ex?

It could be you wanting to do it right this time is making you accept anything incase you don’t get better.

Don’t live with a scarcity attitude it makes you settle for less than you deserve because in this situation how you’ve described her, it’s clear she has been stringing you along and treated you poorly after all you did.

Don’t go off on the other extreme end either, in wanting everything because relationships require nourishing and growth. Real love is not an instant spark and when you’re inexperienced you place emphasis on the physical connection rather than focusing on who you are when you’re with the person.
A healthy partnership brings out the best version of you, you don’t stress about how the other person feels because there’s strong communication, understanding and you are able to keep a strong sense of self because you’re not forced to appease to retain the relationship. Give and take is equal. It can take the tiniest spark but real love develops creates slow lasting burn.

I really understand your pain of longing for someone. It does get better, I promise. You start to learn to live without them. One day you realise how strong you’ve been, how many days have passed and then you can really focus on further improvements within. Of course it will hurt severing an attachment. That’s normal and you have it harder as it may be with more than one person , you may have become enmeshed in her whole life as you got to know the children. So go easy on yourself.

I disagree with Danny, men and women can not be friends if a line has been crossed. If they do it means neither of them loved each other, or one still does. Also if sexual desire was involved to go back to platonic would require both of you to have fully moved on. Even then sometimes given the right set of circumstances if there’s been strong chemistry in the past you could run the risk of setting yourselves alight, if you lack control physically. So you’re better off just parting ways for good. It will heal you quicker.

Once you get to a stage when you feel nothing at all then by all means enquire about her, if you still care. But in most cases people’s caring nature is fickle as the perceived love, they stop caring if they’re not getting anything out of it. So you may find once you reach a stage of not wanting her romantically, you realise you don’t really care much either. It’s rare to find the genuine ones that still care after all is said and done.

Love will enter your life unexpectedly, when you think you’re done with relationships, when you’re in the pits, life will make you cross someone who will awaken all those feelings. But if you’re not ready and haven’t done the work on yourself you’ll self sabotage and ruin your own chances. That’s why although it’s very easy to hop back on the saddle, you should heal, work on you so you don’t screw up the right opportunity.

You’re not old at all, you’re lucky as a man you can get to 60 and still have an opportunity to procreate. You don’t have that ticking time bomb us women have.

I would say get to a stage where you’re happy being alone, then when love enters you can choose better. Right now you’re desperate and are choosing the wrong option just to fill that void within you.

Well done for owning your soft side, Danny is correct that a lot of men perceive it as a weakness. A strong intelligent woman will see it as a strength in a man because with that sensitivity usually comes an attentive, caring and nurturing partner and that’s what you need in long term relationships. Looks fade, sex dies down inevitably but if you can’t find comfort in your partner or emotional intimacy then what’s the point?

So don’t feel like @Tim1 did that you have to hide that part of you. The right fit will appreciate every aspect of you and value that, not manipulate that side to seek attention, ego boost etc.

If she contacts you again. Don’t be afraid to be firm. People treat you the way you allow them to.

If that connection was deep and meaningful then I do hope one day you get to the place where you understand that you can’t fit together but still care for her as a friend.

Don’t stop believing, you have to have hope. None of us are perfect but we have the gift of starting a new day and being better than yesterday. As long as you keep self improving you will reach a place where you soul is happy.

I’m glad you have a good friend to lean on, those who love us always get upset when we make stupid choices but that’s because they deeply care. You’re lucky to have people around you who do care and want you to do better. Hold and cherish those bonds.

If you can’t stomach anything because of the anxiety and nausea @Shelbyville once advised to @Luciel I think that a bar of chocolate is a start. Dont let yourself spiral.

Feel your emotions and let them pass through,don’t suppress. You’re entitled to feel how you feel. But don’t dwell in it. Heartbreak really sucks but you will rise up again. Nothing is permanent not even the negative feelings! X