@Tim , sorry about the delayed  response, work has been mad busy in lead up to the Christmas break.

I hope you read this even if you can not respond. Thanks so much bro, I’m saddened there will be no other male on here. One time I didn’t mind sharing the ladies! Good luck with your new family and congratulations on your nuptials. I may be crossing over from the bachelor life too very soon. Fingers crossed. I never quite believed it being the red blooded male I am, until it unravelled in front of me but your advice and guidance for me was on the money. You were right the deep emotional chemistry is more special and has triumphed against the need for the physical side. I appreciate that connection of being understood and supported more than ever.

Coming on here to post was the best decision I ever made, if i had continued to listen to the lads I hate to think where I’d be. Your life experiences, I personally think have been more valuable then what I would have gained from sitting with a professional just nitpicking at my childhood and finding reasons for my behaviour.

This thread all of you have given me great feedback, I took the information and then researched it and made improvements. Thank you @Kkasxo, @Shelbyville and @Sammy!!

@Sammy mate thanks so much for that reply. Really humbled, I really felt your pain from that bit of context you gave. Glad that you out of everyone has appreciated my progress, I hope it reassures you that there are men who mess up but will do everything to make it right amongst all the shitty ones who never really take accountability. I know I brought up pain for you when I posted that very first post.

I think you’ll go on to being happy whatever happens. You’re a strong lady who lost herself a bit in a shitty relationship with an immature boy but you’re going to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I have no doubt your next relationship if you decide to embark on one will be solid! I hope the guy you meet is ready for you because you’re great! I know you want someone capable of growth but I hope he doesn’t need any metamorphosis like Tim and I. I hope he is ready to support you right away, you deserve that.

You have taken time to really work on your weak points. So can only become greater. Don’t give up hope!

I had really been trying to get a broader understanding of my feelings and actions.

I didn’t want to go down the self pity road where I blamed my past.

The whole growth for me was in process before I came on this thread but you all gave so many wonderful pointers in the right direction. @Shelbyville journeymate concept really challenged me the most.

I tried searching for it but there wasn’t much literature on it, just Christine Hassler sound cloud who proclaims we don’t need the person who illicited the feelings of growth within us.

I thought to myself how could I possibly say that about ‘B’. That she had done her work and needed to leave, we would never say we no longer need our parents or role models who have taught us so much. We cherish them.

When I applied the concept to my relationship with ‘B’ its almost like this journeymate concept was giving me an excuse for using ‘B’ to fulfil a need and now I was capable to do it without her. That didn’t sit right with me at all. It allows people to shift blame off of their own bad actions and use it as a crutch for avoiding real hard growth by simply stating something happened for a reason. That to me was just lazy thinking and absolving oneself from accountability.
Saying that the reason they happened to enter our lives was to help us is a convenient and selfish excuse and it outright ignores the pain that these same circumstances have caused to the other person.

I couldn’t ever feel at ease knowing ‘B’ entered my life and my actions caused her to leave but it was ok to hurt her because I learned something. What about her would she feel the same, it happened for a reason and her pain was a fair collateral. I had to find meaning not simply say it happened for a reason.

What was I going to do with this event that happened and affected both of us? I did the work to recognise my failings, I took accountability and repented
I self forgave and then committed with intent to an amazing woman. I created meaning and value out of it. I’m a better man for it.

So thanks a lot @Shelbyville. I don’t think I’d have found enough courage to fight my fears and self doubt.That concept enraged me to the point it spurred me on. It helped me move from being a victim of my circumstances to the creator of my future! I know I will have a bright future with this delightful woman by my side.

For many who will pass through but especially men. I want to say our nature is to compartmentalise. We break up with someone and can close a door and erase it. However if you really listen to your body the intensity of that memory will be carried on until we face up to it. Until we learn and rectify it. I feel more at peace in my soul then I have in a very long time. That began by talking, expressing and acknowledging my real feelings. With ‘B’ it could have gone the other way but after that meeting to apologise. I felt proud of the man I’d become being able to face her and ask her how did my behaviour affect you, give closure to that chapter. Facing uncomfortable emotions is what minimises our fears.

Thank you everyone 👊

@Sammy I’ll try to post back. Over the festive period it’s unlikely. I think it would be cool if any other astray male stumbled across my story, to be inspired so I will try give complete progress when I can.

You all helped put my jigsaw together. You all made a tremendous difference! Forever will be grateful for this thread @Shelbyville

@Kkasxo my homie I hope you are doing well. We never got to vibe much again but I hope you are in a good place!

@Tim @Sammy @Shelbyville @Kkasxo Have a merry Christmas you filthy animals and a happy new year! 🎄2️⃣0️⃣2️⃣1️⃣🎄

Hi all,

Apologies for going awol. Really going through the motions of it all at the moment. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent most my days over sleeping, barely functioning with shattered eyes and a heavy soul. Life, or at least mine, has a tendency to mess up big time in one go. I guess this time is no different as everything around me seems to be falling apart, not just the relationship with Mr A.

@Danny, I must say I am proud of you. You sound like a man who has really done the work and a man who truly values what he has. Luckily, the girl saw potential in you and has given you a second chance. I’m pleased for you and I hope you do right by her and find your happy ever after.

I too hope that one day a man shows up for me in the same way you have shown up for her!

Until then, I am going to spend time trying to work out what I want, who I am, how my past has changed me and how I can deal with that moving forward.

I hope you all have a lovely week ahead of Christmas! Tier 4 or not!

Hey homie ( @Kkasxo )

I had to make time and reply to you. You welcomed me here with open arms, I’ll never forget that.

Tier 4, what a nightmare! B and me both escaped and headed out of the city before the new restrictions took effect! I hope you have family around you and are surrounded by those who love you very much.

Cross my heart and hope to die I will do right by ‘B’. It took a lot of graft and finding out exactly what my needs were. It was worth it.

I was betrayed by ‘A’ my very first love as well as my best friend. I really feel your pain of being hurt by the one you loved. I think you are wise enough to not do what I did and get involved with others and inflict them with my pain.

Being by yourself as painful as it is will heal you properly. I never thought I’d be where I am now but I really had to face those questions, who am I, what do I do now, how do I heal, what do actually need in relationship? For me these hard questions led me to this journey I’m on now. So as you’ve read I did the work and it paid off.

I promise you that the storms we face always lead you to your rainbow. I can tell you are a beautiful soul and a guy will one day show up for you in the way you deserve. Your Mr A was given a chance because you fought for the love you initially had, but he IS A FOOL if blew it. HE is the one losing out. Don’t settle for less, you will with time see you are more than your wounds, you deserve everything and more.

I wish you a merry Christmas and more than that healing. If you need to talk just @ me. Here for you homie!

@Kkasxo

I’m really sad to read how much you are struggling of late. My heart breaks that you can’t be with your nana. My prayers are with your family and I hope you get to make the most out of technology and facetime or videocall. I know you’re with Mr A and I hope he does something to return that incredible gesture. Look how big your heart is, even when parting you are showing him kindness.

That feeling of just wanting to shut yourself off from the world and retreat is so familiar.

It is okay to want some space, do what feels most peaceful. I will say don’t isolate yourself to the point where it makes you feel more empty, unwanted and drives you further into a spiral. For me it drove me to alcohol just to numb myself.

Come on here and scream and write those messy thoughts out. If you don’t want any interaction, we will just post gentle reminders and encouragement so you feel heard and not alone.

You are a such a brave and beautiful soul. I know you are feeling sad for yourself, you probably thought you’d be at a different point in life but we will get there just at a different pace.

It’s easy to place blame on yourself for what’s happened. But you’re right you didn’t deserve to go through hell, you didn’t deserve to have your heart broken and confidence shattered.

Try to think about it the way I do now; our exes were perfectly fine with hurting the heart who loved them the most. They lost out not us! I mean if they were the one for us all the shit we went through and going through wouldn’t be happening.

I don’t know if you are spiritual but it is the universe or God’s way in eventually leading us to the one who will understand us, will show up and despite our wounds love us unconditionally. The best is yet to come!

You need to show yourself the same compassion you gave to other posters on this thread. You are were never the problem. You are not unloveable. Don’t let these thoughts consume you that you end up losing all optimism for the future.

You may be depressed slightly especially with being away from family, nana and Mr A exiting? I know what it’s like to feel alone, but you’re not. I’m just one of the many people who are here for you and will listen. Don’t ever feel scared to ask for help from this thread as well as your GP.

I know you are so strong especially to have got to where you are after the trauma you faced and grief at hands of Mr A. To fight back is strength and you’ve been doing that for so long, it’s okay to need a helping hand from time to time.

This year is nearly over. Bury the past and just focus on YOU. You can’t change the events of the past or other peoples selfish actions. Let karma do its thing. You need to start loving yourself so the trauma can no longer haunt or define you in your mind. Because Kkasxo if I was to describe you your trauma would represent your strength. Your relationship would represent your capacity of love, forgiveness. Your are a beautiful, kind soul.

The poison we have endured stops with us. Set yourself free, Tim and Danny were fortunate to have angels bless them and then guide them to the light and they then fought for their angels.

Maybe we just have to be our own angels and see the light and fight for ourselves and we will still win xxxxxx

@Sammy – you always make time for others too, I know you’re probably waiting on @Shelbyville to reply. She’s probably having a blast so can’t blame her, but if you need anything over the festive period just message. I’ll try my best to return your help and aid.

Merry Christmas 🎅

@Shelbyville nice to hear from you. Rest assured although I enjoy receiving correspondence to what I input (because it’s an investment of time and effort to respond to someone’s woes) I’ve grown up I don’t feel like I once did… Initially I know I was very reliant on yours and @Tim’s post. And tuning out was hard but I realised my mistakes.

Anyway you do you 😊 I’m happy you are prioritising yourself. I wish you a very merry Christmas. May the anxiety in your life ease and burdens halve now you have a BF by your side. All the best!!!

@All If anyone specifically needs my input or help please just tag me and I’ll reply..other than that I will let you all continue your journeys xxxx

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Sammy.