Wow @Danny, I don’t think I can put into words how remarkable your journey is. Men don’t do reflection! Like you said they compartmentalise. If they gain self awareness, they still falter.

You really did some deep soul searching and worked on letting go of the patterned thoughts. Then went further to make amends and face the consequences of your behaviour.

‘B’ is equally lucky to have you! A man put his words into action- not many do, a man willing to be brave and hear how he affected someone then address it, instead of cowering in shame or boxing it off. Wow!! @Kkasxo was right, her intuition stated you were just a little lost and hurt. @Shelbyville when she reads it will be amazed at the part she has played in guiding you!

It sounds like you are not going to post. Please do when you can (selfishly I love a happy conclusion) have a great Christmas Danny! Best of luck and thank you for your very sweet words! I was touched by you too! X

I just posted on another thread and I don’t know why but thought of you @Kkasxo. I hope you are OK and finding the strength to push through for yourself. We don’t correspond much but I know how hard it is to let go of everything you know that feels so familiar. Let us know how you are doing. If not for me for @Shelbyville who always loves hearing from you!

@Danny I look forward to your next post! Merry Xmas!!

@Sammy, sorry love I’d only just seen your post. I’ve found myself down in the gutter more often than not recently. Old habits die hard and I have completely shut myself out away from everyone once more. I have such an intense need to talk, cry, scream it all out but at the same time really don’t want to communicate at all. I am lonely but want to be alone. Most of all, I am so friggin sad for me. So sad for the woman that I am and everything that I have been through that I really didn’t deserve. It honestly sucks. I didn’t deserve to have my life shattered in this way. To live with trauma and suffer with PTSD as a result. To wake up with heart racing like I’m going to have a heart attack. I didn’t deserve any of this. Particularly not at the hands of the man that ‘loved me’. Life really is just a load of sh*t right now.

But I can’t wait for this to be all over. For this whole chapter to be over. This year. Everything

@Danny,

Bless you, we haven’t been communicating for very long but a part of me feels like you’re my actual ‘bro’. Maybe the Londoner thing, maybe close in age, who knows.

I am actually proud of you, if no one has told you, I am proud. Of how far you have come as an individual, as a man, of how much work you put in for your own personal growth! I’m here for it!! I’m so glad that you have left the lads behind so to speak and did what you believed to be best for you. And here you are talking about being a bachelor not much longer, soooooo here for it!!

My family is unfortunately not in the country. They moved back to our home country back in May and we’re going to come for Christmas. Then my Nan got sick and likely this will be her last Christmas, so they were going to come for 3 days on Christmas Day instead but now with all the travel restrictions it’s looking unlikely. Mr A is still here but really only out of the goodness of my heart. His stuff has been packed since last week or so and he was on the way out. But me being me, I offered a helping hand understanding that it isn’t an ideal time for it all and perhaps he needs another week or two to make the necessary arrangements to leave – I’m fine with it. I feel like I’ve cried so many tears for this man already I physically haven’t got any more in me. As heartbreaking as it is, ultimately, he showed me what love isn’t. Even if I still do love him.

I am just ready for a fresh start now. And yeah I think you’ve read me just right, I couldn’t think of anything worse than entertaining any other situationship right now haha. I probably won’t for a very long time because in all honesty, I’ve kinda given up on the hopeless romantic that I am.

I think the last few weeks have been ones of solid realisations. I really am not asking for anything out of the ordinary. And I definitely deserve much more than this.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas also x

Homie!! @Kkasxo

I felt an instant vibe too! I don’t have a sis so I’ll be your bro! Even let you correct me if I’m tripping! ahaha

Feeling the love – it’s got me in my feels and tearful, other than B no ones ever said they are proud of me! Who knew those words could resonate so deeply. For so long I felt like I had been a disappointment, the shame and disgust in varying forms from not being chosen to then how I reacted and hurt B – the one person who really got me. I never thought I’d do a 180 and be where I am.

I decided to stay with B’s family in their coach house over christmas, i don’t know if it’s nerves but I don’t think her old man is a fan and I’m reluctant to approach him for her hand! I’m also a bit concerned now with Tier 4 being threatened outside London too and feeling an inconvenience if I become stuck here.

Sorry to hear about your nan that really sucks on top of your family being out of the country must be so tough. I hope you are able to power through the festive period and be reunited soon. You’re stronger than you think to be dealing with this! On top to let Mr A. have a reprieve, you’re some woman!

You’re right you deserve so much more and you’ve come to find love on its own is never enough our internal needs always find a way to make themselves be heard. You owe it to yourself to have a fulfilling relationship and if Mr A is disturbing your peace of mind then that’s a clear sign something was amiss. Love is a verb. You have to keep working at it but is only fulfilling if both people feel the same, work the same amount and there are men out there who would show up and prove how much value you hold.

You are allowing him to live a little longer with you but don’t let him live rent free in your head!! There was no closure for me with ‘A’ . It’s terrible when it is over and you still love someone. So I would highly recommend that you both discuss it maturely before the years up and then let go so you can focus on healing and yourself.

The worse thing to do is let him leave but feel nothing has changed within you but everything has changed outside of you. It’s like stumbling in the dark, blinding and numbing. So get closure and really let go to be able to move forward.

I honestly think although it is a sh*t storm right now, you don’t realise how far you’ve come, you’re so smart and wise to not entertain further situationship’s and you’ll come out winning by doing some self loving. Don’t lose your hopeless romantic side the right guy deserves to experience all of you and he’ll love you for it.

You are amazing to even make such a hard decision when you still love him, progress!!!  Your self worth can only become greater! So I’m proud of you too homie! You will find this is the step towards a healthier and happier you.

@Sammy, me and @Shelbyville (when she returns) have your back! If you need anything over the festive period @ me !

Merry Christmas 🎅

@Danny That means a lot. I do have a tendency to wait for a reply, but don’t worry I understand @Shelbyville and @Tim have their own lives nonetheless I know you said you were busy over the festive period so thanks so much for taking out a bit of your time to say that.  Don’t stress about the approval you’ll work yourself into a frenzy. Just treat his daughter with the love, respect and care you have been recently and you’ll earn your place!

@Kkasxo thinking of you, hope your eve and Christmas day brings you peace and glad tidings.

Have a good one all x

@Shelbyville and @Sammy
I think I have made some assumptions there, my bad.

Shelbyville I just thought the quietness was you gearing up for your first Xmas with your new BF. I didn’t realise you have so much on your plate and I apologise for adding pressure needlessly by assuming Sammy was awaiting your response. Sammy again I’m sorry to you too if it felt like a negative implication and for speaking on your behalf without thinking. You’ve come incredibly far, so resilient and should be extremely proud at your own strength and progress.

@Shelbyville if a tenancy agreement has been executed then getting your deposit back will be difficult as you’ll have been in breach of the contract if you didn’t move in. Contact Citizens Advice, 2 bags is a substantial amount to throw away. It’s going to be babies galore come this new year. My bro in laws partner is expecting too! Appears everyone got jiggy with it (@Tim 😉) over lockdown! Good luck to your sis and new arrival!

Thank you both for your advice, I think I just worked myself up as I desperately wanted to impress her folks – Mrs ‘B’ is a G! Her dad who if I’m being honest was a little stand-offish at first. I think if I felt disapproval of any kind it would eat away at me because it is family is a huge part of who ‘B’ is. So it was starting to panic me that I was not being well received. Incredible how it can take you right back to those nasty self doubts and feelings as an awkward unpopular child!

‘B’ is just amazing though, she sensed I was off kilter( even when I tried to put on a front) her emotional awareness is unreal. I think she had a word with her Dad that evening because the next day he softened and was much more interactive and we ended up bonding on our views of how Brexit has played out of all things and it went from there!

Yes, I bit the bullet and asked him on Christmas Day when he apologised for not getting me a gift – I cheekily said the greatest gift would be to have his blessing. To my relief he said although he will always be protective of her, whoever makes ‘B’ happy makes him happy and he was impressed with how I had approached him and ‘B’ had always spoke highly of me. I think he was just sizing me up so to speak at first!

So the proposal plan is in motion and I already have my grandmother’s ring I always thought it would be ‘A’ who was going to receive it but I couldn’t be more grateful and happier it is ‘B’ .

I’m proposing on new year’s eve, 2 days!!! Are families meant to meet before an engagement?

My bachelor days are behind me, and I’m buzzing, this woman has challenged and changed me, I feel certain I want to spend the rest of my life with ‘B’ because of how profoundly happy she makes me. I feel a sense of pride and excitement to entwine our lives. Everything around me feels calm with her in my life, we connected from the moment we met but it’s only now I understand the depth of the connection, I’m ready to finally be a real man. This year has been a turbulent one. At the beginning of the year to where I am now is unbelievable.

I felt initial embarrassment of using a forum but this turned out to be one of the greatest decisions of my life.

@Shelbyville I can’t thank you enough for this thread. Led to so many stark realisations, thought provoking concepts which steered me in the right direction. I also gained a virtual family even if we are a dysfunctional bunch we share the same core energy. We want to grow and be better than we were yesterday. I will tell ‘B’ about you all one day; my homie @Kkasxo, my bro @Tim, my teachers and mates @Shelbyville and @Sammy. That’s how I know I’ve found the one because I feel comfortable and able to share everything with her, no facades.

@Shelbyville I appreciate your need for a pause, take stock and find a balance in your life with work etc. What spurred me to reassess my life and find contentment was witnessing my bros illness. It made me realise, life was really too short to waste with the wrong company (lads), wrong partner ( A, C and everything in between) etc. To gain back control requires effort to evolve and face those raw real hidden emotions.

If like me you suffer from self doubts which seep into your relationship decision making, then from my experience these were the questions I asked myself and wrote out, which ultimately led me back to ‘B’ and solidified my decision and feelings.

• What do I need in a meaningful relationship?

I knew I needed an emotionally supportive partner. Someone who would listen without judgement, compassionate, generous but actually encouraged me to be a better person. A best friend so someone I can be totally 100 with.

• Do our values and ideals align?

Discussing your morals, values, future frankly is so important if you want a serious relationship. There will always be a need to compromise but discussing it early you can avoid staying in a relationship longer than you should if there are major conflicts. B and I always had that instant connect where we could talk deeply about anything – we discussed so much the first time so when I was reflecting I knew with compromise (mainly physical aspect) we were otherwise pretty much aligned before the reconciliation.

• Is this person someone I truly trust to share anything with?

Real love is meant to grow. It can only grow if you have a deep emotional bond where you go beneath the surface and see their true self without feeling afraid in anyway – B saw all my faults, scars and I hadn’t even been fully vulnerable yet. I knew that was special.

• Is there some physical/sexual attraction there?

Before anyone jumps on me, I said SOME because I’ve grown up from my superficial views. However that being said it’s got to be there to some extent without it you will find your eyes and your heart wandering/fantasising when needs are not met – I’ve always thought ‘B’ was hot and initially it was more about the chase. It’s deepened into an indescribable force because of the emotional attraction we’ve built by spending time together without going for the home run. I have no doubt now about the physical intimacy and I’d describe her as beautiful now!

• Does your partner truly make you happy?

When someone makes you really happy, it has a noticeable positive effect on your life. When I think of ‘B’ it’s always positive connotations, she always uplifts me.

•  Am I ready to spend the whole of my life with this person until death does us apart?

Commitment should be taken seriously so many people just say go with the flow, stay in the moment and staying like that often leads to a dead end. If you love someone you’ll want to be loyal, respect and fully accept your partners imperfections. I accept B’s flaw – not many discovered yet! But I actually love her so much I know I’ll overlook them. I want to commit with intent that’s so important.

• Are you loving conditionally, is it a need for you, is your relationship equal?

‘B’ was a need for me the first time around. She saved me from drowning. I didn’t really offer her much but she clearly saw something in me. On reflection
I only really understood the meaning of love through ‘B’ after she walked away. I love her unconditionally now and I believe our partnership is on equal footing. I believe she offers me everything I’ve needed and more. I believe I offer her the same in return now.

The right person will feel like a light when you’re stumbling in the darkness, will make those racing thoughts and self doubts hush with their compassion and understanding. Have a positive energy and effect on you – from your mental space to all your relationships around you. Your productivity will increase and you’ll find yourself stepping up and wanting to do better not just for your partner but yourself too.  You’ll know it is real love because that person usually brings out the best in us. If you feel that then submit to it without fear and like myself you’ll find peace.

I hope that helps @Shelbyville to figure out if your doubts are real or not.
I do extensive reading this article helped me with my feelings, I had already lost ‘B’ and it was more about me accepting myself for who I am.

thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/09/why-you-cannot-truly-love-the-person-you-are-afraid-to-lose/