Hello @KKasxo

Are you a fellow Londoner? 🙃 Thanks mate, appreciate it..look forward to a womans view too!

@Danny,

OK, so I have briefly caught up on your posts and my thoughts are as follows..

I think you’re definitely on the right track in terms of ‘making amends’. I say making amends what I mean is giving yourself the opportunity to let go of the grief surrounding this relationship and also giving this girl the clarity and ‘closure’ that she deserves after everything that’s happened.

It’s nice to read that you guys had a nice chat and spent some quality time together, almost reminiscing on what was and what could’ve been. Who knows where it will go from here. You very obviously care for her. And with that you want the very best for her. The only thing I would urge you to ask yourself at this very moment is whether the very best for her is you, right now, in this moment, amongst the chaos of your self discovery..

And to be honest I could be projecting here or I could just be sharing a female point of view picked up from personal experiences..

This post has gone on for over two years now and me and Shelby have been communicating for a long time so I’m sure you haven’t caught up exactly on my situation (somewhat different to yours as there is trauma involved) but yet similar in ways.. And I for one wish now years later that Mr A didn’t come back into my life. I write that with an actual lump in my throat because it feels so weird throwing 5+ years with this man away like that. BUT in hindsight he was not ready. Till this day he is not ready. He wanted to make amends. He wanted to prove me wrong. He had the best of intentions (I believe) and when push comes to shove he cannot pull through because at the end of the day, he is who he is and this is the current situation, that will not change.

Like yourself and this woman you are in awe with, me and Mr A had a very gravity pulling relationship. We were head over heels in all aspects of the relationship, spiritually, emotionally, sexually.. He was my actual best friend. We were very much committed and in love. But life unfortunately wrote its own scenario and shit happened. And I can honestly hold my hands up and say that no matter how much ‘love’ we have for one another nothing has ever been the same since. We reconciled. We moved out together. We made amends. And to cut a story short, we live like flat mates who don’t even like one another and just get by because we have to. And yet we still love one another. But what we had and what we have now are on two completely different ends of the spectrum. Without going on about this for too long, the point I am trying to make is that HAD Mr A been ready, really been about everything he said at the time of reconciliation, I believe things would be very different now. Maybe we could still be in our little love bubble. Instead we spent the last two years tarnishing the beautiful memories we made the first time round… Probably caused more damage than good. It’s oh so easy to get caught up in the ‘I’ve made a mistake, I’ve learnt my lesson, this is what I want, I’m ready, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work…’ but it’s not as easy to pull that through once the novelty wears of and the relationship goes back to basics. To the core of you and the core of her. Particularly when you’re on a journey of self discovery.

With that in mind that is why I ask, chemistry aside, what you would like the outcome to be aside, what you think you have become on this journey aside, what you THINK you are ready to right now in your despair to get this connection back, to make right your wrong doings – Are you the best thing for her at this present moment?

Hi @everyone!! She replied and it went like this…

I’ve just copied and pasted the texts :

B: Yes

Me: Yes?

B: Yes!

Me: *sent a risqué meme

B: 🤣😂😂 Danny!

Me: I’m just messin’ but I’m ready when u r 😉 but are u saying this smile I have on my face rn is because ur willing to give us a chance?

B: I’m sure that’s not the only reason for you smiling 😏 but YES!

Me: Let’s do this!

B: Again 🤣

Me: 🔫s fired!

B: 😅Call me in 5

I rang her and we both just started laughing. She said she needed to make a few things clear, she didn’t want to rush anything, would have to be at her pace. That for it to work we would both need to draw a line under what’s happened, let go of insecurities and if there’s concerns or worries going forward, we communicate.

She said she did worry about what would happen if I felt insecure again, she found it exhausting by the end trying to convince me she genuinely wanted me. The thing swaying her the most was that she always felt something special in the way that we connected and I had clearly realised that too by my own reflection.

She said I didn’t wait for her to contact me and by me taking action, getting in touch with her..she knew growth had happened. She knew for me that must have been scary but I faced up to the mistakes in person and really did the mature thing in giving her the explanation and respect she always deserved. She said we all make mistakes and deserve a chance. And this was the one and only chance so it was up to me to prove and show her I had really grown up.

She said it will take time to build the trust and she wouldn’t tolerate me expressing contempt in anyway. So if I’m ready for the long haul it would mean both of us working together, equally and communicating.

I suggested if she would like to attend like a couple therapy session paid for by me. She was surprised but said if it’s something I needed she’d consider it. I just want to start afresh no baggage.

She basically told me what I already knew I need to do and I’m committed to doing.

We then spoke about 2 hours more on random things. I still feel naturally at ease with her over text, on the phone and in person. I just don’t know how to describe it. I asked her when I could take her out for our first date and she said surprise me!

I feel beyond elated. I rang my bro right away and he typically shouted Get in and I’m going to be your best man!! I’m really ready to change my life for the better. I’m ready to be the appreciative and giving partner I’m capable of without looking back.

I really couldn’t have done it without you guys guiding me too and asking me to ask myself the hard questions. Thank you so much guys.

I will keep you updated on progress and fingers crossed they are all positive.

@Sammy I hope the situation between your ex and you gets resolved. You sound like a very giving person so its only right you receive the same in return. Not too sure of the exact circumstances but I hope he does the right thing by you. I’m sorry if any of my posts were a reminder or refreshed any pain. I hope it gives you some hope that people can grow and there are men out there who value the qualities you possess, sometimes we are a little immature/insecure too. You haven’t responded lately, you said you would keep an eye out so I do hope you are coping well and didn’t misuse alcohol and your absence is you feeling stronger sitting with yourself. I appreciate your honest, fair and real responses especially when you were pained by what I wrote in my initial post. If you ever need an ear to listen, tag me! I wish you positive vibes too mate! I hope your journey becomes less bumpy!

@Tim we spoke briefly but your prior posts were incredibly useful to read. I learned so much. You gave me hope of redemption and I really gained more sage insight in the short time I’ve been on here then listening to the lads over many years. The recent advice has been on the money, I’m going to exert and practice self control (that’s what the sock and gym are for 🤣)  I don’t want to mess this up, I will restart it as I mean to go on and that’s to embark on a meaningful companionship to last right through until were old and bitter lol. I’m really glad amongst the great ladies there was a man on this thread. Someone who understands the manly urges and has the experience to navigate around them and offered me the pointers to make it work. I really believe you have a happy future ahead with your partner and I wish you and your lady a healthy pregnancy. Your mini me will be blessed man, congrats! Thanks so much bro!👊

@Shelbyville you have this kindness and non judgement in you which is rare. You were clearly so overwhelmed in your own troubles but you still reached out to help me, thank you, especially for your support when I was particulatly feeling so heavy hearted and disgusted with myself. You helped me to re focus and achieve self forgiveness. You helped me to learn we all make mistakes but how we handle them is the proof in who we really are. I stopped thinking about myself and focused on how she must have felt, it urged me even more to apologise in person. That showed her I really cared about the impact those stupid actions had. I got to give her the respect she deserved.

I got the sense you have been in a similar set of circumstances, possibly pushed away someone good for you by what you wrote? I also felt a sense of someone trying to protect me especially as I was so down on myself already. Maybe lower my expectations by stating ‘B’ was perhaps just a journeymate. I really respect that and could feel you were trying to save me from potentially more pain if the reconciliation efforts didn’t work.

I have to say though the concept of journeymate actually challenged me. I couldn’t accept someone like ‘B’ to cross my path and not stay. It felt unfinished when I confronted my real emotions.

It pushed me to make contact with her instead of taking the easy route of moving on. I knew for me to win her back I had to do it and she made it clear she was not going to contact me again because she was respectful and she obviously knew it meant I hadn’t grown if she did it.

If we don’t try can we really say we’ve lived a full life? I know whatever happens i will not wonder what if. I’ll know I gave it a real chance this time,  so it took bravery and I did it. That alone gave me self confidence, if the outcome had been unfavourable at the very least I knew I had morally done right by her. F those fears!

I know Kkasxo mentioned you and her have been on this thread for 2 years so I don’t know the exact story but whoever your  ‘journeymate’ is, maybe reassess? Hard to find a gem again mate!

I hope you find stability in what appears a very stressful career. Sometimes you just gotta say NO to the politics!

@Kkasxo fellow Londoner, you had this aura and positive vibe about you from the very first response to me. I must have felt it in my bones you’re a homie!😎 lol.

I greatly appreciate you not labelling me a fuckboy. I can’t express how much the compassion and you embracing me on this thread has changed me. I feel if you had been unsympathetic I may have taken the wrong turn. Thank you for pushing myself to ask hard questions and reinforcing my desire to fix up and settle down. All I know is the reflection over the past 10 months especially the last 4 where I’ve been single has been worth it. With further encouragement from you, I’ve steered my life in the healthy direction.

Someone who has good vibe and comes off as so amazing deserves whatever she wants. Don’t be afraid of letting go of Mr. A. Holding on if you know deep down he hasn’t taken the actions to change and fulfil what you need will cause more resentments and you’ll come to regret the wasted time. There is still love there so set each other free, be brave and go find someone who will give you what you want. You tried once, you gave it a shot. It didn’t work out but by no means should you resign yourself to end up a crazy cat lady!!

Time to ask yourself that hard question which sounds so easy. What do you want?

Sending you positive vibes mate and thanks a bunch! 🙃

Danny, I have high hopes for your new relationship, you know why?

Firstly, I’m so impressed with your recognition for mine, @KKasxo @Sammy, and @Shelbyville advice. You are highly percipient and capable of self-awareness. That took me a lot of therapy sessions to achieve, so you should be very proud of the individual you are becoming. The offer to her for couple therapy is remarkable, you are showing in your actions you are serious.

In the words of Freud “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways” This couldn’t be any truer, we can run from our insecurities and fears but never hide. So continue to tackle and deal with all your emotions, communicate your feelings no matter how silly, don’t let them brew and overrule you.

Now us men we always have a plan when we approach a woman, and when we have been hurt we can develop the attitude all women are the same, we know we want something out of the situation because we have approached her. When we are confused and immature we will deliberately be vague in our intentions so “let’s see” is usually we are not ready for commitment but will gladly take the ride. When there’s no progress for the lady, we think we don’t have to accept any accountability.

But you have a plan, you stated “let’s do this” and it’s a long term goal , you are focused on the win – you’ve made it clear you are going in for a serious long haul relationship, so you are accepting any accountability from the offset and that Danny is GROWTH, you’ve become a man! No confusion for her, you’ve set your intentions and willing to be brought to task by being honest, upfront and authentic!

Treat her well mate, from your descriptions of her she is one amazing woman. She’s assured and intelligent for walking away when she did, much like my partner. A loyal confident woman is not afraid to ask for what she wants and give it some time but if her needs are not being met she will walk away if needs be.

B is also very savvy and wise to not offer up the goods without the commitment even though she obviously cared and felt something for you! Again many girls make the mistake to attain the affection, she knows who she is and what she wants. Be good to her and make her your Queen and given her characteristics she will treat you like a King too.

I got a lumbered with a sister ( I love her really) but it’s been nice playing the role of an older bro virtually, if you need any other man to man advice, feel free to contact me, I’ll try and get back to you when I can.

@Shelbyville

I had to congratulate you, what an amazing turnaround. Your boyfriend is obviously very serious, it must feel amazing to hear the words “I love you” given your journey. I’m incredibly pleased for you and I’d say focus on the warm fuzziness of hearing those words because you deserve to hear them, be excited for the adventure ahead together presumably you see it as a long term given age?  I know you really wanted this, so forget the family drama. Danny is right family will always come around. You’ve had a rough time so enjoy these magical moments of falling in love! Don’t let fear stop you from enjoying it! So happy for you!

@Tim , respect bro 👊,  thank you for showing so much faith and confidence in me. I regard your advice highly so I’ll be sure to follow it to also succeed and hopefully I can report back with good news like yourself in the near future! Thanks so much mate.

@Kkasxo I don’t know the full details of your story and was unaware of the trauma. So I will leave it to @Shelbyville to address it.

However I clicked instantly with you and I have to say you are more than your trauma! I came on here and unbeknownst to me a woman who obviously has some big demons she’s fighting, reached out and offered me a safe place to express my feelings without making me feel like a dick even though I definitely was one. You are an incredible person, compassionate, wise and with so much more to offer than you think, I felt the vibes early on homie!!

You know I think we often hold on to things even if they are negative for us, like a kid holds onto his favourite toy or blanket because we are scared without the familiarity that we will be not know who we are. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self and that self is not defined by your past. Its your future. So you have the power to make it whatever you want.

I’ve realised how facing our fears is what makes us really grow. Set him free yourself. Give yourself the power. It will be so scary at first but you’ll surprise yourself on how amazing you are. That need or hole he is filling,  you’ll learn to accept within you and do more to love yourself. Eventually you’ll be ready to go out there without the fear someone new needs to come in and fill whatever that need for you is, you will do it for yourself because you’ll know who you are and what you want. You are far far from a disappointment… so quit being hard on yourself 🙃!

@Tim I’ve been reading this topic and I have to congratulate you, as you and your girlfriend are expecting! Wow that is such great news. I really wish you all the best and hapiness.  Your advices have been much helpful and you have helped me feel better, thank you.

@Danny Congrats! I really hope you will make B happy this time, and you will be happy to.

@Shelbyville  I read history of this topic, not much, but some. And I think in some aspects I understand your story, I recognize myself in some parts. So your news of being happy with your boyfriend really gives me hope.

@Kkasxo
Like I said to Shelby, I read some history of this topic not all… But I remember your posts about how you are ready to think about family and children, and you live with Mr A and he’s not ready…
I had a (previous, not the last) ex boyfriend for 7 years and he was never sure or ready for anyting. And when we broke up I was 30… I regret that the most. I think now I should break up at least 3 or 4 years earlier. I also recognize that at that time I was in a bigger city and I felt alone so I coulnd’t. And the break up happened when I returned home so that was the best time for me to handle it… But on the other side now I wonder how many chances I had and I blew up in that city because of waiting for him.
I think if you really ask yourself, if you are sure of this or not, you know the answer. I knew it to, always.. But blocked it because of my fear of being alone, of staying alone.. So you know it, but not from this position of fear. You are still young I think, in your twenties..
In thirties you feel that you have even less time and more coupled friends. So, you know how you feel. And if you’re not happy, don’t lose time like me.

I think I’m mostly over my breakup and ex.. Well not in a way that I don’t feel anything, but I recognize what I want – a serious relationship and a family. And he is too young and immature to give me that. And I want that more than him… I guess break up was just inevitable and it better happened sooner than later. But anxiety creeps up about not finding that what I want. And I don’t even think there is a problem with me, I’m just afraid because of pandemic and everything, like my coupled friends, there won’t be a chance to meet new people. Like, how could it happen?

@Shelbyville How did you met your boyfriend, you mentioned dating apps? I think I’m just not ready for them, and I won’t ever me.

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rhaenys.