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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Relationshipsā†’Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 2,308 total)
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  • #230915
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,Ā Kkasxo,

    I’m at a weird place right now about the whole breakup, because I went on this site where he had updated his relationship status. The site in question is linked to a particular lifestyle choice I tried to be open about but just couldn’t seem to accept it without getting jealous or feeling insecure.

    I know that I broke up with him, but all I really wanted was a break in the first place and after seeing him change his relationship status and update his profile I kind of retaliated and updated mine to but I had no reason to except due to boredom and I felt a twinge, like he changed it without telling me for it to affect me. I don’t think any of that made sense. What’s worse is now we aren’t together I feel like ironically I could be involved in that lifestyle change because to me it always sent the message “this is best if single” and “this person is better than you”.

    Equally at the same time I felt rage because if he wasn’t involved in this lifestyle choice I don’t think we would be where we are today, instead I might still be in love with him or at least have the strong feeling that I believe it when I tell him I love him.

    I feel so selfish.

     


    @Kkasxo
    ,Ā  “Heā€™s clearly getting on with his life.. why is that not so simple for me?!” I have been feeling this so much the past few days, I feel like every activity I do something reminds me of him and I feel like hes getting on with things fine. But it could be because hes doing the same routine.

    “Honestly, I really did underestimate heart break before this!” – same, but I couldnt stay in a relationship that had so much baggage, but then I love him and its for better or worse isnt it :/

     

    “I really want to at least accept that this is the end and that there is no more hope for us” – im trying to do this but my brain keeps telling me reasons why I should contact and that even though I broke up with him my silly brain wants him to message me or something and give me a reason to change my mind.

    I know we aren’t in the same position so I feel like a fraud saying that I can relate, but its strange I feel like the one who dumped him but almost his emotional distance is causing me to feel like he dumped me, idk.

    I hope everyones afternoon was better, I’ve just got back from the library where I wrote notes but I don’t think I cared about any of them, just trying to distract myself.

    -V

    #230937
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Victoria,

    I think to protect yourself as much as possible (which is your priority), it might be best to come off that website you both are on. I got rid of my social media, even though my ex is not on social media, but just in case Iā€™d see friends or someone connected to him online and it would give me a stab of pain.

    Its natural to react to a sort of provocative move by him, you didnā€™t end it because you were totally over him and felt nothing, so obviously there are feelings still attached there. Itā€™s normal. But he is dealing with it, the best way he knows how. Thatā€™s his right. But itā€™s important not to let it affect you. You are on a different journey by the sounds of it, you chose to break up with him for a reason. Let that reason be to focus solely on yourself.

    The reminders are horrendous, believe me, I understand. Everything is torturing me at the moment sonInfeel your pain. I donā€™t know how weā€™re going to get over it but everyone says, time and distance.

    I know I messaged my ex earlier. So who am I to talk, but tbh, I donā€™t know why. It was just the part of me telling me I needed to contact him i.e my heart. Not my brain. My brain made me hesitant and even convinced me out of it several times but my heart took over. And during heartbreak, unfortunately the heart is not to be trusted. It can be trusted again apparently, after a period of withdrawal, but I guess we gotta do the rehab first and then start thinking about ā€˜what nextā€™.

    FYI, my ex replied word for word what I expected him to reply and it was sort of a dead end communication. Short, polite and that was it between our texts, so I donā€™t know exactly what I thought was going to happen, if anything had changed I would have heard from him.

    Im seeing my therapist tomorrow so Iā€™ll try and make sense of everything then and hopefully the anxiety wonā€™t be too bad in the morning. Time for some meditation now, would that help you? To focus inward instead of wondering what heā€™s doing etc? Iā€™m hoping itā€™ll help me that way anyway.

     

    S

    #230939
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    thank you for replying (:

     

    “I think to protect yourself as much as possible (which is your priority), it might be best to come off that website you both are on.” – I agree, it was ironic because I ended up on the site because my friend wanted to join it, it just happened I got a massive reminder of how involved he is on there and that hes changed his status. I’m hesitant to delete everyone who knows him off my social media just because its early days. Another issue is that because I havent found my feet yet friendship wise in the new city im in then I cant help but talk to old friends which leads me to ask them how he is. *eye roll*

    “Let that reason be to focus solely on yourself.” – I think its thrown me into the position I was in before he came into my life, lonely which has hit me in the last few days. Although I think I’ve been a bit under the weather which is probably a contributor. I think to some degree I don’t want to focus on myself and at times I get this overwhelming feeling I will be alone forever, however I am aware that is ridiculous.

    The weekends are the worst because at least during the week I have society stuff and lectures.

    “everyone says, time and distance.” – I definitely have both of those, I am physically living 3 hours away and well I have to be in this location for another 6 months (I may be over everything by then, lets hope). I think I felt like I was in a better mindset last week to be fair.

    I seem to have crumbled a little in the last few days…maybe its external factors like the dreary weather, maybe its nearly my period…I’ll bear those in mind, it may help me be more rational.

    “And during heartbreak, unfortunately the heart is not to be trusted. It can be trusted again apparently, after a period of withdrawal, but I guess we gotta do the rehab first and then start thinking about ā€˜what nextā€™.” – I definitely agree with this, if only the rehab was on a beach in warm weather haha One thing that is helping me is that I’m creating moodboards on Pinterest for each month which show my mood to some degree and include motivational quotes. You could try making a mood board? Just to give you hope for the future, something to be excited about.

    “my ex replied word for word what I expected him to reply and it was sort of a dead end communication. ” – thats exactly the reaction you want because then next time you may think is it worth it. The other night when I saw the guy I hooked up with the fact that he was so rude and disrespectful to be proved what an awful person he is just helped me stop fixating on him (i was scared to see him because of rejection…then he rejected me but I feel so much better for it because I faced my fear).

    “Im seeing my therapist tomorrow so Iā€™ll try and make sense of everything then” – Good luck (: How often do you see them? I’m thinking about applying to see a therapist this week because I feel like I am currently loosely holding everything together but ultimately I am carrying around all this emotional weight with me and I dont want it to affect my studies. This degree equals freedom for me, it will hopefully mean I will be independent and by the time I graduate have the confidence to look for work and move abroad.

    “anxiety wonā€™t be too bad in the morning. Time for some meditation now, would that help you?”- unfortunately I have found that I cant stand meditation, I just cant focus and I have this fear that Ill get so lost in my thoughts I wont come back (if that even makes sense). I woke up feeling tired but not anxious so that was good, I think I was just so unproductive everything has just got to me. A new week, a new start (:

    “To focus inward instead of wondering what heā€™s doing etc?” – I think job hunting is helping. Its just at the moment Im currently rebuilding my life, im redefining who I am and who I want to be. So I have radically gone from long pink hair to platnium short hair, volunteered for teaching, slightly looked into placements for next year, keeping up with my studies and trying to establish reliable friendships. Basically the last three/four weeks I have been running at high speed to change everything and “throw myself” into things but I think I’m starting to burn out.

    So this week I’m only focusing on my studies and having some more “me time”. I still have a stack of books I need to work through (:

     

    -V

     

    #230943
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Victoria,

    Do NOT underestimate the influence of PMS. I am a fairly logical, rational, understanding person but for a week a month, I turn into a clingy, emotional, wreck. Itā€™s unfair because itā€™s outside our control and many people scoff at it.

    I know what you mean about thoughts and meditation. When I started two years ago, I was in a bad place and I thought all my meditations would be concentrated periods of erratic thoughts. But actually it became a reprieve from my erratic thoughts. By focusing on a mantra, I could always bring myself back from my thoughts running away of their own accord. It became 20mins in the day where my head could find some peace. I would recommend 1Giant Mind app- I followed the steps which the guy on the app explains so clearly and simply and it really does help now. At the moment, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head during meditation but as the app explains, thatā€™s a process of releasing stress and I usually feel marginally better after.

    I definitely think you should avail of counselling. Our thoughts and perspective can be scary when suffering from anxiety and itā€™s comforting to finally get someone who can explain whatā€™s going on and that youā€™re not going off the rails! I like answers to questions, I like to understand things, do therapy helps me understand and I donā€™t feel as crazy as anxiety would sometimes have me believe.

    Social media is a good way to connect in college so I get that it would be better not to delete accounts etc, but you can still talk to old friends without asking about him. And if all you have in common with them is him, then theyā€™re not exactly the basis for nurturing friendships going forwards, but I hasten to add, I donā€™t know the whole story so Iā€™m just giving my two cents! Feel free to ignore whatever you choose!

    Studies is a good focus for this week and whenever he comes to mind, perhaps use my trick, which sometimes works absolutely say ā€˜not nowā€™. It might just nip the thought in the bud before it grows and you can do back to studying.

    As for me, Iā€™m trying to behave tonight as if I havenā€™t been in contact with him and all is as it was, weā€™re still split up, thereā€™s still no change and I must recover and move on. Itā€™s not easy, boy is it not easy, but what choice do I have?

    Mind yourself.

    S

    #230945
    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby,

    “Do NOT underestimate the influence of PMS. I am a fairly logical, rational, understanding person but for a week a month, I turn into a clingy, emotional, wreck. Itā€™s unfair because itā€™s outside our control and many people scoff at it.” – Well I am glad that I’m not the only one (: Some months im worse the week before (which would be this week coming) and other times im worst on the week it comes on, but its always shifting depending on how healthy or unhealthy I’ve been, if I’ve been healthy it comes on earlier in the month. But I wouldnt say ive been that good diet wise.

    “It became 20mins in the day where my head could find some peace. I would recommend 1Giant Mind app- I followed the steps which the guy on the app explains so clearly and simply and it really does help now. At the moment, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head during meditation but as the app explains, thatā€™s a process of releasing stress and I usually feel marginally better after.” – Thank you, I will give it a go (:

    “I definitely think you should avail of counselling. Our thoughts and perspective can be scary when suffering from anxiety and itā€™s comforting to finally get someone who can explain whatā€™s going on and that youā€™re not going off the rails! I like answers to questions, I like to understand things, do therapy helps me understand and I donā€™t feel as crazy as anxiety would sometimes have me believe.” – Ive just put it to the side until I could identify the key issues I need to work on so it will be a valuable 6 week course.

    “Social media is a good way to connect in college so I get that it would be better not to delete accounts etc, but you can still talk to old friends without asking about him. And if all you have in common with them is him, then theyā€™re not exactly the basis for nurturing friendships going forwards, but I hasten to add, I donā€™t know the whole story so Iā€™m just giving my two cents! Feel free to ignore whatever you choose!” – no you have a valid point ultimately I was only friends with them because they were his mates, it was one aspect that got to me when our relationship hit rocky points I didnt have anyone to turn to who wasnt biased. Theres just one friend that I would class as also my friend, but they’ve been unwell themseleves so I’ve let them rest obviously but I also know he confides in her so therefore to have a bit of a clearer understanding about how hes feeling she can give me answers. Then again, Im not sure I want to know most of the time, just like right now where I have this bad gut feeling but its because Ive talked to him and allowed myself to worry if hes ok after going out last night (i have to remind myself that he survived without me lol)

    “Studies is a good focus for this week and whenever he comes to mind, perhaps use my trick, which sometimes works absolutely say ā€˜not nowā€™. It might just nip the thought in the bud before it grows and you can do back to studying.” – yeah I will be trying that (: thank you.

    “As for me, Iā€™m trying to behave tonight as if I havenā€™t been in contact with him and all is as it was, weā€™re still split up, thereā€™s still no change and I must recover and move on. Itā€™s not easy, boy is it not easy, but what choice do I have?” – haha thats good to hear, I think seeing your therapist tomorrow will help and you can go in and say your progress with him (:

    Oh also theres a thread in the forum called “tough times” called “How to get your priorities in order..” which a girl called Bella who seems to be going through a similar situation in terms of missing her ex etc

    – V

    #230949
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Thanks for that, Iā€™ll check out that thread.

    I do hope the fog starts to clear soon. A friend has just texted to say she got engaged. Wonderful.

    #230953
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Girls, I couldnā€™t stop crying at the wedding today! Iā€™ve literally just come back from the bathroom because I couldnā€™t stop. Seeing th happy couple, people asking why he isnā€™t with me, having to walk down the isle by a strange groomsman rather than him, all who know him too and know heā€™s not here! And to top it off heā€™s reached out to say ā€˜sorry I know I canā€™t be popping up like so but I just wanted to know If your menstal state is okay?ā€™ I said well you arenā€™t really messaging me about my mental state so what is it?!ā€™ And he said ā€˜never mindā€™ okay bye then. Asshole.

    This is too much for me too cope.

    #230963
    Victoria
    Participant

    @Kkasxo ,

    aawhh thats awful šŸ™ sending hugs! Urgh that message though is so manipulative! oh course its not going to a good day for you!

    I too am in tears, because I panicked and then called him and then I heard the pain in his voice and now I feel like an utter bitch.

    hugs x

    #230971
    Victoria
    Participant

    You have coped though! Everything thats happened is in the past even if it was 20 minutes ago! Wipe your tears and grab a cocktail (: like you said hes an Asshole!

    The only person who looks bad is him and therefore you’ll be laughing in the future when you realise he really didnt deserve you and you’re with a new guy who may be similar but better than him!

    I cannot believe the nerve he had to send you that!

    – V

    #230977
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    I know right! Iā€™m so angry at the fact that heā€™s had the audacity to message me. I know that it was just to ā€˜reach outā€™ but heā€™s just being an asshole about it. Honestly girls, I really canā€™t do this. Iā€™m currently having ā€˜deep talksā€™ with the Bert man who is a mutual aquaitence and itā€™s just 100% awkward and my heart is just broken into a million pieces.. Even he can see Iā€™m absolutely broken but heā€™s just trying to lift my spirits! Iā€™m so tired of this cat and mouse game now. I want and need to feel better!

    #230999
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Victoria,

    Iā€™m sorry that youā€™ve been in tears! I know exactly how difficult this is. Honestly I think I would rather someone physically hurt me than to feel this excruciating emotional pain! Is that sad?!

    Iā€™ve been wanting for him to reach out to me for days on end! And he finally has and what has it really changed?! Nothing, as expected. Iā€™ve mentioned that previously in my posts, knowing that speaking with one another isnt exactly going to change the situation that we are in. Instead it was a very brief hi and bi and quite frankly I wish now I never even responded in the first place. I shouldā€™ve been the bigger person and ignored it. He just decided to suddenly remember about me because he got back from his silly ā€˜lads weekendā€™ and back to shitty reality. Itā€™s probably suddenly hit home that not everyday is going to look like his fabulous weekend away because every single one of his friends is going back home to their girlfriend/ wife whilst heā€™s going home to an empty bed, out of choice. Idiot.

    I am just so beyond drained at this point ladies. This weekend has taken a whole load out of me. Not only trying to play the happy woman but also all of the maid of honour duties + the fact that he was supposed to be here with me. All of the questions, to top it off one of the other bridesmaids is actually his manager at work! So as you can imagine it just gets even more complicated! She knows heā€™s taken time off to go away and yet heā€™s not here with me.. I have so many questions I canā€™t even answer. So many excuses I canā€™t even make for him anymore…

    Bottom line is I wish we werenā€™t where we are right now. I wish my heart didnā€™t break every single day because Iā€™m constantly reminded of him. I wish for this to just pass now…

     

    Shelby & Victoria, I hope you have both been somewhat okay over the weekend! I will catch up on the posts tomorrow but until then, you girls have been my absolute rocks through this! And for that I thank you x

    #231021
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Victoria,

    There seems to be a trigger for you to contact your ex. You panic and then contact him. If you could figure out a way of getting through the panic without contacting him, youā€™d be on the long road to recovery. I know you want to figure out what to focus on a 6 wk course of therapy, but Iā€™d advise talking to someone now. They usually figure out for you what you need to do for the best right now.


    @Kkasxo

    How did your ex reach out if you blocked him? Was it an alternative route? The wedding was always going to be torture, but you survived. It might not have been pretty, but you survived. The wedding wasnā€™t called off or delayed because the maid of honour wouldnā€™t get out of bed or leave the toilet, so you survived. Youā€™re broken hearted so it didnā€™t have to be amazing, it just had to be done.

    Its not fair that he contacted you but thatā€™s his failing. I guess itā€™s up to us to decide not to react and put our own welfare first. Believe me, I would have done the same though if my ex contacted me, weā€™re human.

    Its definitely time to block him for good so that you can cope. You are coping, albeit painfully. But you are coping. Not coping is not getting out of bed and giving up. Iā€™m so sorry itā€™s been so difficult for you, but itā€™s done and you got through it and the healing can begin. Get home and back to your routine.

    I didnā€™t sleep well at all, after my friend messaged to say sheā€™s engaged I just felt so sad and lost. Also, I know my communication with my ex was exactly as I expected and he didnā€™t contact me again after I sent the last text (which was a dead end Text anyway), but it still hurt. I thought it might just have opened a window for him if he wanted to say anything to me, or give me a call or anything, but no. He has not budged, changed his mind, or anything. Anyone looking from the outside would say ā€˜girl the writing is in the wall, that man is not for turning, he made a decision and is sticking to it, wake upā€™. But itā€™s our betraying hearts that keep hope alive.

    Good luck today.

    #231029
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Having a particularly painful morning. Is it because I texted him yesterday? Even though there were only a few words exchanged. Nothing of particular interest. Everyone is trying to remind me why we are not together and it’s genuinely for the best for me, but why aren’t the valid reasons sinking into my heart and mind? It’s like they just deflect off me, I don’t see myself as ‘better off’ now out of a relationship that wouldn’t meet my needs, I just see myself as heartbroken, having lost the love of my life.

    I don’t want to spiral. I just want to be ok. If anyone has any advice to help keep me from falling off the rails, I’d appreciate it.

    #231037
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hiya Shelby,

    Everyone is trying to remind you that you are no longer good together because they are aware of the happenings and situations which may have caused your break up. What you have to remember is although theyā€™re doing it with good intentions to help you, they also donā€™t know the ins and outs of the relationship and the wonderful moments that you are holding on to. Nobody truly knows but you and him and therefore many people wonā€™t understand and thatā€™s also why itā€™s difficult for you. Itā€™s extremely difficult to try and rid your mind of all the memories and happy moments.. just the feeling of comfort and content within that time too!

    I wish I could tell you that itā€™ll get easier! Iā€™m still awaiting that point myself.. I do think though that you should maybe withhold from txting him again any time soon – at least until you are a bit lore content within yourself. I say this only because look at all my posts after Iā€™ve had contact with my ex?! It just multiplies the feeling of grief and loss x100!

    #231039
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    I totally agree @kkasxo, I knew I would eventually contact him but itā€™s done now. It was a last hope and it didnā€™t change anything.

    There was no nastiness or anything, it was quite banal, but thatā€™s it, it didnā€™t change anything so I wonā€™t be doing it again.

    Yesterday out on a walk, I just realised I want to be happy. Iā€™m tired of feeling terrible and broken. Some time soon I want to have a happy life. I thought that would be with him, but evidently itā€™s not going to be. So Iā€™m going to have to try and claw back a happy life for myself.

    I donā€™t know how but apparently time is the answer to all my questions! So they say!

    Im in a meeting today which is distracting me somewhat! Apart from the odd check of tiny Buddha!

    How are you today? Itā€™s a new day and youā€™re still alive, so survive. Survive another day, despite the pain. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

     

    S x

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