Hi Shelby, Kkasxo,

I’m at a weird place right now about the whole breakup, because I went on this site where he had updated his relationship status. The site in question is linked to a particular lifestyle choice I tried to be open about but just couldn’t seem to accept it without getting jealous or feeling insecure.

I know that I broke up with him, but all I really wanted was a break in the first place and after seeing him change his relationship status and update his profile I kind of retaliated and updated mine to but I had no reason to except due to boredom and I felt a twinge, like he changed it without telling me for it to affect me. I don’t think any of that made sense. What’s worse is now we aren’t together I feel like ironically I could be involved in that lifestyle change because to me it always sent the message “this is best if single” and “this person is better than you”.

Equally at the same time I felt rage because if he wasn’t involved in this lifestyle choice I don’t think we would be where we are today, instead I might still be in love with him or at least have the strong feeling that I believe it when I tell him I love him.

I feel so selfish.

@Kkasxo ,  “He’s clearly getting on with his life.. why is that not so simple for me?!” I have been feeling this so much the past few days, I feel like every activity I do something reminds me of him and I feel like hes getting on with things fine. But it could be because hes doing the same routine.

“Honestly, I really did underestimate heart break before this!” – same, but I couldnt stay in a relationship that had so much baggage, but then I love him and its for better or worse isnt it :/

“I really want to at least accept that this is the end and that there is no more hope for us” – im trying to do this but my brain keeps telling me reasons why I should contact and that even though I broke up with him my silly brain wants him to message me or something and give me a reason to change my mind.

I know we aren’t in the same position so I feel like a fraud saying that I can relate, but its strange I feel like the one who dumped him but almost his emotional distance is causing me to feel like he dumped me, idk.

I hope everyones afternoon was better, I’ve just got back from the library where I wrote notes but I don’t think I cared about any of them, just trying to distract myself.

-V

Hi Shelby,

thank you for replying (:

“I think to protect yourself as much as possible (which is your priority), it might be best to come off that website you both are on.” – I agree, it was ironic because I ended up on the site because my friend wanted to join it, it just happened I got a massive reminder of how involved he is on there and that hes changed his status. I’m hesitant to delete everyone who knows him off my social media just because its early days. Another issue is that because I havent found my feet yet friendship wise in the new city im in then I cant help but talk to old friends which leads me to ask them how he is. *eye roll*

“Let that reason be to focus solely on yourself.” – I think its thrown me into the position I was in before he came into my life, lonely which has hit me in the last few days. Although I think I’ve been a bit under the weather which is probably a contributor. I think to some degree I don’t want to focus on myself and at times I get this overwhelming feeling I will be alone forever, however I am aware that is ridiculous.

The weekends are the worst because at least during the week I have society stuff and lectures.

“everyone says, time and distance.” – I definitely have both of those, I am physically living 3 hours away and well I have to be in this location for another 6 months (I may be over everything by then, lets hope). I think I felt like I was in a better mindset last week to be fair.

I seem to have crumbled a little in the last few days…maybe its external factors like the dreary weather, maybe its nearly my period…I’ll bear those in mind, it may help me be more rational.

“And during heartbreak, unfortunately the heart is not to be trusted. It can be trusted again apparently, after a period of withdrawal, but I guess we gotta do the rehab first and then start thinking about ‘what next’.” – I definitely agree with this, if only the rehab was on a beach in warm weather haha One thing that is helping me is that I’m creating moodboards on Pinterest for each month which show my mood to some degree and include motivational quotes. You could try making a mood board? Just to give you hope for the future, something to be excited about.

“my ex replied word for word what I expected him to reply and it was sort of a dead end communication. ” – thats exactly the reaction you want because then next time you may think is it worth it. The other night when I saw the guy I hooked up with the fact that he was so rude and disrespectful to be proved what an awful person he is just helped me stop fixating on him (i was scared to see him because of rejection…then he rejected me but I feel so much better for it because I faced my fear).

“Im seeing my therapist tomorrow so I’ll try and make sense of everything then” – Good luck (: How often do you see them? I’m thinking about applying to see a therapist this week because I feel like I am currently loosely holding everything together but ultimately I am carrying around all this emotional weight with me and I dont want it to affect my studies. This degree equals freedom for me, it will hopefully mean I will be independent and by the time I graduate have the confidence to look for work and move abroad.

“anxiety won’t be too bad in the morning. Time for some meditation now, would that help you?”- unfortunately I have found that I cant stand meditation, I just cant focus and I have this fear that Ill get so lost in my thoughts I wont come back (if that even makes sense). I woke up feeling tired but not anxious so that was good, I think I was just so unproductive everything has just got to me. A new week, a new start (:

“To focus inward instead of wondering what he’s doing etc?” – I think job hunting is helping. Its just at the moment Im currently rebuilding my life, im redefining who I am and who I want to be. So I have radically gone from long pink hair to platnium short hair, volunteered for teaching, slightly looked into placements for next year, keeping up with my studies and trying to establish reliable friendships. Basically the last three/four weeks I have been running at high speed to change everything and “throw myself” into things but I think I’m starting to burn out.

So this week I’m only focusing on my studies and having some more “me time”. I still have a stack of books I need to work through (:

-V

Shelby,

“Do NOT underestimate the influence of PMS. I am a fairly logical, rational, understanding person but for a week a month, I turn into a clingy, emotional, wreck. It’s unfair because it’s outside our control and many people scoff at it.” – Well I am glad that I’m not the only one (: Some months im worse the week before (which would be this week coming) and other times im worst on the week it comes on, but its always shifting depending on how healthy or unhealthy I’ve been, if I’ve been healthy it comes on earlier in the month. But I wouldnt say ive been that good diet wise.

“It became 20mins in the day where my head could find some peace. I would recommend 1Giant Mind app- I followed the steps which the guy on the app explains so clearly and simply and it really does help now. At the moment, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head during meditation but as the app explains, that’s a process of releasing stress and I usually feel marginally better after.” – Thank you, I will give it a go (:

“I definitely think you should avail of counselling. Our thoughts and perspective can be scary when suffering from anxiety and it’s comforting to finally get someone who can explain what’s going on and that you’re not going off the rails! I like answers to questions, I like to understand things, do therapy helps me understand and I don’t feel as crazy as anxiety would sometimes have me believe.” – Ive just put it to the side until I could identify the key issues I need to work on so it will be a valuable 6 week course.

“Social media is a good way to connect in college so I get that it would be better not to delete accounts etc, but you can still talk to old friends without asking about him. And if all you have in common with them is him, then they’re not exactly the basis for nurturing friendships going forwards, but I hasten to add, I don’t know the whole story so I’m just giving my two cents! Feel free to ignore whatever you choose!” – no you have a valid point ultimately I was only friends with them because they were his mates, it was one aspect that got to me when our relationship hit rocky points I didnt have anyone to turn to who wasnt biased. Theres just one friend that I would class as also my friend, but they’ve been unwell themseleves so I’ve let them rest obviously but I also know he confides in her so therefore to have a bit of a clearer understanding about how hes feeling she can give me answers. Then again, Im not sure I want to know most of the time, just like right now where I have this bad gut feeling but its because Ive talked to him and allowed myself to worry if hes ok after going out last night (i have to remind myself that he survived without me lol)

“Studies is a good focus for this week and whenever he comes to mind, perhaps use my trick, which sometimes works absolutely say ‘not now’. It might just nip the thought in the bud before it grows and you can do back to studying.” – yeah I will be trying that (: thank you.

“As for me, I’m trying to behave tonight as if I haven’t been in contact with him and all is as it was, we’re still split up, there’s still no change and I must recover and move on. It’s not easy, boy is it not easy, but what choice do I have?” – haha thats good to hear, I think seeing your therapist tomorrow will help and you can go in and say your progress with him (:

Oh also theres a thread in the forum called “tough times” called “How to get your priorities in order..” which a girl called Bella who seems to be going through a similar situation in terms of missing her ex etc

– V

Girls, I couldn’t stop crying at the wedding today! I’ve literally just come back from the bathroom because I couldn’t stop. Seeing th happy couple, people asking why he isn’t with me, having to walk down the isle by a strange groomsman rather than him, all who know him too and know he’s not here! And to top it off he’s reached out to say ‘sorry I know I can’t be popping up like so but I just wanted to know If your menstal state is okay?’ I said well you aren’t really messaging me about my mental state so what is it?!’ And he said ‘never mind’ okay bye then. Asshole.

This is too much for me too cope.

You have coped though! Everything thats happened is in the past even if it was 20 minutes ago! Wipe your tears and grab a cocktail (: like you said hes an Asshole!

The only person who looks bad is him and therefore you’ll be laughing in the future when you realise he really didnt deserve you and you’re with a new guy who may be similar but better than him!

I cannot believe the nerve he had to send you that!

– V

@Victoria,

I’m sorry that you’ve been in tears! I know exactly how difficult this is. Honestly I think I would rather someone physically hurt me than to feel this excruciating emotional pain! Is that sad?!

I’ve been wanting for him to reach out to me for days on end! And he finally has and what has it really changed?! Nothing, as expected. I’ve mentioned that previously in my posts, knowing that speaking with one another isnt exactly going to change the situation that we are in. Instead it was a very brief hi and bi and quite frankly I wish now I never even responded in the first place. I should’ve been the bigger person and ignored it. He just decided to suddenly remember about me because he got back from his silly ‘lads weekend’ and back to shitty reality. It’s probably suddenly hit home that not everyday is going to look like his fabulous weekend away because every single one of his friends is going back home to their girlfriend/ wife whilst he’s going home to an empty bed, out of choice. Idiot.

I am just so beyond drained at this point ladies. This weekend has taken a whole load out of me. Not only trying to play the happy woman but also all of the maid of honour duties + the fact that he was supposed to be here with me. All of the questions, to top it off one of the other bridesmaids is actually his manager at work! So as you can imagine it just gets even more complicated! She knows he’s taken time off to go away and yet he’s not here with me.. I have so many questions I can’t even answer. So many excuses I can’t even make for him anymore…

Bottom line is I wish we weren’t where we are right now. I wish my heart didn’t break every single day because I’m constantly reminded of him. I wish for this to just pass now…

Shelby & Victoria, I hope you have both been somewhat okay over the weekend! I will catch up on the posts tomorrow but until then, you girls have been my absolute rocks through this! And for that I thank you x