@Danny

Yeh, you made mistakes but you are doing what most guys would never do. Stepping up and taking accountability in person. So you can at least forgive yourself and work on learning to do better. We can’t change our past but we can change our future. No one can say for sure if she is going to be part of your future but the only chance you have is by actually not self-pitying and taking it upon yourself to make those improvements. Even if you do not get the second chance this may be the most humbling thing like it has been for my ex.

Many men will take the easy way out and text,

“I’m so sorry…please forgive me… and you deserve more”

They will never face you so it feels insincere we never actually get anything from it and is just another smack in the face and sign of how they haven’t actually learned if they had they would confront it like a man. She will respect you a lot for that if she is how you described her. I feel she would also not ignore your request given how good-natured she is but whatever you do, do not play on that.

I have lost trust in my ex we were on and off for over 4 years. It is an entirely different situation even though I drew parallels. The main thing is how far you crossed her boundaries and that will determine everything. I really do not think you should even broach getting back. Just apologise sincerely to her and ask her if she can remain in your life in any way. The ball is in her court, whatever she wants to do respect it, be selfless let her go if deep down you know you can not change your ways to be better for her. Let her find happiness if you will not meet her needs. Don’t take advantage of her kind nature and win her over then hurt again.

A simple text asking her how she is and if she is able to talk further. Then take it from there.

@Danny

Just listened to Golden you mentioned, it’s a tune. Listening to the lyrics I can see why you really miss her maybe you could make a reference to Harry Syles in your text might break the ice but don’t be manipulative. Let us know how you get on.

Treating ED

Sildenafil: Cenforce, Cenforce 100

@Sammy

Loool that did bring a smile to me this morning. No ED here :p so no offence taken. How random though? Where can I find @Tims post?

Yh I agree I was childish. At the end of the day I could blame it on the lads advice or my fear of being hurt again. Truth is I wasn’t compelled. I chose those actions at the time so I have to live with the consequences. The key is that I’m glad I’m feeling remorse, it weighs heavily on me and will until I’ve made amends to her in person. I’ve made the changes in my life to not repeat it. That’s a ray of hope, i have confronted it and I’m remorseful the goodness she saw is there. I need to believe I can be that potential like you said and shine bright.

I’ve put it off for so long that we have entered a lockdown. I feel if I broach it now, if she replies…she will have a genuine excuse to say no to a meet. Which makes me think am I thinking further ahead than I should. I honestly want to make amends foremost but I can’t lie there is a part of me that hopes for more. Have I even grown? Delaying it is more likely to benefit  me. So am I being selfish again?

When I do, I will post back. Thank you Sammy for the honesty, guidance and support. Thank you @Kkasxo for off the bat seeing and treating me with kindness. @Shelbyville for the advice to forgive myself and reminding I’m human prone to mistakes.

Danny

@Shelbyville

Thank you mate for your response. I’m not sold on this journey mate thing. She was rare man, I feel personally that’s just what we tell ourselves to protect ourselves from experiencing potential loss again or being rejected. I accept there is a high likelihood ‘B’ will reject me. However, I want to give it that chance I never did because I was scared. To really make a breakthrough is to risk it. I’ve lost her already now I have only to gain.

I know you’re probably thinking because I hurt her in the way I treated her she will have evolved presumably to not be treated like that again. Thing is I never will treat her like I did, ever. If what you say is true I am all those things she saw in me already then if I put the effort in I can prove I’ve changed to be better. I can shine. If she was able to see past my flaws when even I couldn’t it proves the depth of her heart, the kindness of her soul. She has the ability to see things with goodness. I have no intention of playing on that but I will be authentic and sincere. If she decides to give me that chance I will most definitely not be foolish to screw it up again. If I’m rejected then I wish her nothing but happiness and hope my sincere apology in person gave her peace and at least let’s her know and feel how she wasn’t insignificant but played a pivotal role in bringing me out of darkness and made me want to be, do better. There are not many people who bring that out of you without trying to benefit.

It’s been 10 months and I’ve already grown and the reflection about ‘B’ asking myself about her inner beauty. I said before desire and my immaturity got me caught up with only seeing her outer and only focusing on the lack of advancement in the physical side which made me butthurt.

‘B’ saw I was worthy. I was valuable etc she accepted me before I accepted myself. She cared for me, she encouraged growth, she was funny and so much more. She had abundant of qualities you want in a partner when your bones are old and worn. When I embraced her I’d feel her warmth radiate.

I don’t want her to be just my journey mate. I want to fight for the right person. Not the likes of A who cheated or the ones who made me feel status quo.

I will keep you updated. Thanks for looking out for me. I guage you are trying to possibly protect me and I know 95% she would never hate me but may not want me in her life but that 5% for me she is worth and deserves to be fought for and I was the dick who reduced those odds by realising too late but if maybe I had tried too soon she would know I’d not done much work. I fought to dissociate from her, i fought to suppress my feelings for her,  i fought to convince myself she deserved better etc. I take full accountability and now it’s time to fight for her.

Danny

@Sammy mate,  if you need someone to talk to I’d like to offer a listening ear. I’ll try my best to not remind you of your ex or refreshen any pain.

Try not to misuse alcohol, it’s not worth it. You said to me dont live in fear. You need to not be scared too, sometimes being alone can be the most productive. It made me reflect on what or who I am. What I need to change within me.

Don’t think of no response as if no one cares. I have appreciated your advice, straight talking and guidance equally as the insight shared by @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville. So thanks mate 👍

Recently I kept receiving notifications but my life has been very chaotic to respond. In short, my partner and I are expecting. It was a shock but we are overjoyed. It cemented my decision to propose even further. I’ve also started a new job since being made redundant. It’s been bittersweet I lost Rupert but I’ll be gaining a new member of the family soon. After reading a few posts I felt impelled to reply.

@Sammy how are you doll? Something deeper is troubling you it seems.. You’ve made so much progress of late, don’t let yourself become defeated now. I sense you feel lost without something to focus your thoughts on. I can imagine helping @Shelbyville then dealing with your ex has given you plenty to tune into. When it comes to tuning out you become unsettled.

This feeling of needing a focus can be a good thing if utilised in a productive manner and used to set career/personal goals but it can also be equally destructive if the thoughts spiral and you become transfixed in a negative thought pattern.

@Shelbyville, I or whoever you feel has not responded might just be extraordinarily busy.

However this does not diminish your feelings in any way. If you feel like thar it is better to voice it always. People around you who care can adjust their behaviour. Don’t let your mind assume your input is irrelevant. You offer a lot of sage advice.

I’ve been on both ends of extremities, with my first ex I people pleased and with the breakup I became selfish to protect myself.

There is an element of you over extending there, you give too much of yourself and when it’s not returned in the form you deliver you feel abandoned sometimes or used.

People by their very nature can be selfish unknowingly. I’ve been guilty of being that myself in the past. So to overcome that feeling of being used, learn to set boundaries. Learn to not have expectations if you want to give because very few people are truly altruistic and selfless.  It’s ok to feel hurt, it’s ok to pull back and take time out. What’s not ok is self loathing and allowing the thoughts to make you feel unhappy/unimportant.

So chin up doll, you have done remarkably well.

@Lucie how are you feeling doll? Has moving back with your mum helped in getting more access to healing yourself? Thinking of you, nausea can be awful with anxiety, lying on you tummy overhanging off the bed and deep breathing helps me!

@Kkasxo you have offered very compassionate insight to Danny quite remarkable. I hope you manage to find peace and pets are an amazing comfort. The unconditional love can be very healing. Again I picked up on Mr A. I will not impart male advice unless you ask but the offer always stands.

@Shelbyville Career change limbo can be draining! Hang in there though because financially the economic market is looking gloomy.

I know the exact feeling you turn up to work feeling uninspired because it’s been an insidious creep of inauthenticity, and it’s eating you from the inside out. You don’t enjoy your job in fact you probably can’t stand it, you become tired of putting on a false pretense.

For me the one thing that’s helped because I can not afford the financial implications of quitting especially with a baby on the way. It’s been my home – my partner. She’s proven to be the anchor. This is why I think it’s really vital in a relationship to have someone who can see your vulnerabilities, anxieties and not become rattled when you need to vent, offers comfort and support when you need to unload, to be the calm amongst the chaos.

Doing something for yourself too as an outlet a side project for me it’s Lego helps tune out. Reduce working hours and again not over extending so taking lunch, taking time to message back your friends and family. I hope that helps. I sympathise with how you feel.

@Danny

Let me state this, you are not an evil person. You have made some schoolboy errors. Let me be your hope at redemption. It’s entirely possible but only if you forgive yourself and commit to evolving into being the improved version, becoming self aware and managing your emotions.

I’m not an advocate for getting back with a toxic ex. My first ex nearly destroyed me. However ‘B’ sounds like a wonderful quality partner..so in the same breath I would never rule anyone out, arbitrarily, just because they were an “ex”.

The biggest question you need to ask yourself truthfully is;

1. Am I doing this out of loneliness? If the answers yes, do not approach her. Leave her alone. You will hurt her again. She does not deserve that at all.

I had a similar experience you did and it made me the man I am today, my previous posts go in depth. I made mistakes but the key is in making amendments and forgiveness.

It’s the only way forward. To give yourself a clean break, let go of the past and start a future anew. She can be a part of your new future, if you fix up for yourself. I’m living proof and about to have a child and marry my own ‘B’ . Good luck mate 👍

@Danny thanks mate, beyond chuffed!

You’re doing the right thing because you’ve taken time to get to the root of your feeling. It is sad we allow our baggage and immaturity to act out and hurt the ones who love us the most but we are human, part of becoming better is growing.

By apologising for your misdemeanours and immature actions, in the way you are, takes growth so kudos to you for facing those emotions and giving a wonderful person the closure to that part in your story.

You can’t look at seeking redemption from her, it will have to come within yourself but doing the morally correct thing by acknowledging your mistakes whilst facing her will be the turning point.

Don’t over complicate or plan. Go in and show her rawness, authenticity and vulnerability. Face what you felt, tell her how you feel without putting up the protection to save yourself rejection and if she is the one for you like my partner was for me. She’ll want to show compassion. Don’t try and win her back tomorrow. Just apologise, if done sincerely she will see your actions and know you have made improvements.

Be aware she will most likely say a lot of things which will hurt to hear. Don’t get your back up and RESPECT her choice. There has been a long space that means enough time to grow for you but also her, she may have moved on, may be in a relationship. Part of accountability is acceptance for the outcome of our actions. If luck and fate are on your side you’ll reconcile. If not, chalk it up as an experience that will make you a better man. It will have shown the courage within you to face your emotions and fears. You’ll never make the same mistake twice if you’ve learned, whether that’s with her or another woman.

Handle her with care, she is a woman and as fierce and independent as they are. You need to have the emotional intelligence to understand that the female species is delicately balanced, emotional and that’s a beautiful thing not something to cringe, scoff or abuse.

If it goes well, be patient don’t rush it. Re engage in a way you can naturally build the chemistry, trust and future with a fresh clean slate. Past left behind. I think based on what you described, where it ended is likely to play in your favour if a reconciliation happens, higher likelihood of success. When ex become co dependent, toxic and too involved then it is difficult to wipe the slate clean.

Keep us posted. Just rest and dress well! A small token always breaks the ice.