@Sammy thank you for your response and input. You are very kind, it’s worth a try. Yes, I read @Tim’s message, his insight is missed. Carry on with your progress, you’ve done great!

I’m very patient but I can see why you wait a response eagerly. You have really taken @Shelbyville and @Tim advice and utilized it to better yourself. You have really helped one another. I hope that continues for you.

@Shelbyville am I glad to hear from you! Lucie isn’t pregnant, at least I don’t think, it was my only suggestion for nausea. I know ginger works great for nausea for pregnancies, I thought it may help for nausea from PTSD/attacks. I was hoping @Kkasxo or you would come online and offer better advice.

How are you? Good weekend?

This weekend, I went to see my exes parents who had been reaching out since the breakup. I thought it was time and do it before Tier 3 is enforced. They both were the most loveliest and perfect in-laws one could ask for. His mum always spoiled me like I was her very own. They valued me more than he ever did even though we split too many times. They were ever so good to me, and one thing my mum instilled in us always remember and repay kindness with kindness. I wanted to explain and thank them in person.

I took his sister an engagement gift and I’m so glad she wasn’t there. She had discussed me being her bridesmaid since forever and after what happened I knew if she was there I couldn’t face saying no to her request in person.

I took his parents a hamper and flowers, their face lit up, they clearly weren’t expecting it. I felt elated to hug and see them again but equally, I felt so awful, I wasn’t planning on saying much, I struggled with what I should say. I didn’t want them to think differently about their own son. Whilst I sat there, my feelings were swaying. Do I remain fully immersed or say goodbye? As we talked and laughed, I realised I had to start anew, I would need to create some distance. Being embedded in their special moments would be difficult. I could see they desperately wanted us together and to reconcile. It was so hard.

I told them I really love them all, that the ex and I were just perfectly wrong for each other. I’m sorry it didn’t work out but I will never forget how they welcomed me into their family, accepted me for who I was. I asked for forgiveness for any pain they had to endure as a result of our split. I said whoever he chooses will be blessed with the most amazing people as family. Loads of tears ensued. I told them this was the least I could do for them always being good to me.

They said I would always hold a spot in their family and they would welcome me with open arms anytime. If I needed anything they were here and so sorry their son had not treated me better. They said they would love to stay in touch but understand if I didn’t. They wouldn’t force my hand and their daughter would understand.

It was heart-rending. It hurt like hell saying goodbye to people who love you so unconditionally but I owed it to them to tell them in person how much they meant and how grateful I was. I knew I wouldn’t be visiting them again and any contact would be limited to texts or a call for special holidays and any physical appearances would be by chance.

As I left, it was sod’s law he pulled up into their driveway. I chose a stupid day – Sunday! I made a brisk walk and got into my car, wiping my tears and he came after me and got in.

I told him we had said everything and I had only come to say goodbye to his parents. He said what do you mean goodbye? He looked panicked and said he missed all that we had and he hadn’t stopped thinking about me since he last saw me but was giving me space like I asked and hates himself for not growing up sooner. I said I honestly forgive you but it’s a little too late, instead of seeing what you had in front of you. You thought running from me would solve all your problems, you convinced yourself at first that my flaws made me not good enough, then you pretended to yourself for so long you didn’t want me, you never fought for me, you settled with the thought I deserved better and someone else would give me that when I always just wanted you.

Now it’s over for good. I want better for myself and I don’t want to give you another chance to prove you don’t want me. I always knew you were too selfish. His cheeks started to flush red, I knew from the last time that he was about to bawl. I just couldn’t deal with that, so I said if you have any ounce of respect for me, get out of my car let’s part amicably with love and wish each other happiness before it gets too emotional again. He left and as he said it’s not over because I love you.

I literally started to tremble and had to pull over on the next road. Wtf? So many chances I gave this man and now that I’m moving on, he decides he wants me. Is he a narcissist or just an immature boy who has finally become a man and realised his immaturity and what real relationships are? Realising what I did to myself and the harm I brought on myself because of that relationship; self-criticalness,  low self-esteem, and drinking proves this type of love is not healthy. Then my betraying heart which still cares hates seeing him hurt.

What have I done? When I start to move on he opens up or is he just hoovering? He text me when I got home a picture of the photo collage I made him for our last year’s Halloween/his bday party. It’s his birthday the day after on 1st. Is he just wanting me to shower that same love or attention on him again? When I did he found it too much and was ungrateful, how ironic now that is what he misses? What a mess!

Have you stopped all contact with your main ex now? And the exes you didn’t stay in touch with was it because they meant nothing? I don’t know what to do with him, I can’t cut him out like he never existed that’s I don’t know cruel, the very minimum I’d wish him well over holidays. IDK?!

Anyway, a break from that mess, Shelby why are you so tough on yourself still? Are you not happy? You’ve shown a lot of growth and resilience too, it’s something you should be proud of. I feel like you are holding back right now and if that’s more settling for your cool but emotions expressed are better even if messy, know even though I harp on about me, I’m here and would love to give back and help you progress as you’ve helped me so much. If I’m becoming a drain then tell me to plug it and I’ll stop posting about myself x

@Sammy – God bless you, you are lovely. I appreciate the time you take to read and help regardless of if you have experience. It’s very generous of you.

From the above post, it reflects how wonderful and generous you are that’s why your ex in laws still value you, there are very few people in this world who care so selflessly. I don’t mean to skim over it but the nausea for me is making it very difficult to focus my thoughts. However, I would like to add that you really do deserve someone who never takes those attributes for granted and reminds you every day how amazing you are. I hope you find resolution and peace.

@Shelbyville once again thank you so much for replying. It made me laugh but I’m definitely not pregnant! The nausea from the anxiety is making things impossible. It sometimes feels like a never ending nightmare. I get a brief break only to have something else crop up to cause havoc.

Not too sure I’ve ever experienced a double decker bar, is it especially helpful? I am taking St John’s Wort which has helped but the new nausea has become unrelenting! How are you, you ask about everyone but are you okay too?

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Lucie.

Hi @Shelbyville it’s good to know you’re okay! When you go quiet it’s hard to tell if you are overwhelmed with your anxiety and feeling like I’m draining to reply to /busy with work. I kind of worry because I think I relate to you a lot so have a virtual bond so I worry if you’re doing okay. Maybe I need help? Haha!

Congratulations!!! That’s a reflection on your skills and talent, if a newbie has been chosen to be boss. Well done! Are you thrilled or just wanting to run because of the added pressure?

Anyway you have a long weekend off so switch off and enjoy your time with your bf what do you do for downtime? Does it feel good to say that, after all you’ve endured -new BF? You said you wanted someone who spoils you, shows you they think you are the bees knees and doesn’t take you for granted. He’s showing you that, so stop shying away, you deserve it. You have someone here who is telling you they want you, isn’t that what we all want someone who shows us they love us for us, so don’t RUN! Embrace the expression, your ex never said I love you. Everyone deserves to hear that and when someone is feeling it they will not not say it!

It’s great you feel so comfortable with each other. I’m happy somehow he has done a complete u turn from what we all were thought and I’m happy I was wrong about him!

There’s no point you worrying about the future. It’s early days so whilst you are lucky to see each day so regularly, do what you enjoy and you’ll gather if he is genuinely what you want out of a relationship.

Thanks for your views on my ex its so good to get perspective. I still haven’t told my bestie. Trying to own it and appear sensible to my F&F at least.. on here I can be unashamedly honest. That’s the reason I signed up to express the things that need to be outed otherwise what’s the point if you have to censor yourself on anonymously too?

You made an interesting point about Tim but it’s not about how he needed to contact me first like Tim for it to hold weight. I know I contacted him but I’m not going to reciprocate playing games, I’m not going to think with pride or ego and say because he never contacted me first it’s an automatic dismissal. You know as well as me, feelings are complex things to face and he took a huge step in taking accountabilty and I commend him for that.

What is a valid point about Tim’s situation and probably why they are successful is that they were never together in the same way and reunited like we did with our exes. You and I have been past that elusive 2nd chance, we gave too many. Also Tim and her both felt something but didn’t enter a fully fledged relationship instead they or should I say his partner did what very confident, clever and wise individuals do, parted way’s at the right time, with unconsumed feelings, before giving into chemistry. Leaving space for if something was to happen it would happen on the right terms, right intentions that emotional bond was never severed in the way ours was. He was smart enough to fix up because he knew she was worth a fight.

And that is what stops me running away with the idea of a “happy ending”. I have grown up myself, I want better for myself, It’s just too late. Too much has happened, if we were to reunite the afterthought with every touch and sleeping with him would be difficult. That niggling thought, I wasn’t enough despite all we shared, intimacy is huge thing for me and as a woman it’s a gate and once someone has been let through that gate but subsequently left then that bitter feeling of it wasn’t enough or feeling used is hard to shrug off. I don’t know if I’m making any sense.

Speaking of attachment issues I think we definitely ended up with a co dependency of sort. How do I handle this without the extra headache and conflict? His family I’ll always have room for in my heart but not in the same way as before I guess.

@Shelbyville It has been an exhaustive week, it’s nice to read someone understands. Thank you very much for the homeopathic suggestions. I’ll try both and I hope they help, I will let you know how I get on. I’ve been eating ginger biscuits @Sammy and although the nausea is there still, it is something I can stomach without heaving.

@Kkasxo it’s wonderful to see you online. I was the one asking about PTSD and any help to cope with feeling nauseous from the anxiety.

I hope you are all doing well. The current pandemic is testing but make the most of what you can. I am trying to concentrate on shifting my focus to realising the things that bring me peace and joy.

There’s many holidays coming up to enjoy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. What better time to be with our loved ones and grateful for those who never stop caring no matter how broken we are. Wishing you have happy holidays ahead!

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Lucie.

@Kkasxo thank you so much for your input, the anxiety is caused by the trauma from the relationship but the nausea alongside it has just become apparent. I’ll try all your suggestions. I very much appreciate the guidance.

@Shelbyville will be ecstatic when she picks up you are back online and active. You two have been a great source of inspiration, guidance and relatable to many since the beginning of this thread. Also happy belated birthday, many happy returns x

@Lucie,

I really do hope it helps. I first hand know Trauma and all of the effects of it, it sucks so bad. But yes, tackle the anxiety and it should hopefully reduce the nausea yet.

@Sammy,

I need to really play some catch up on your story, I have read through the most recent post but I guess I haven’t got the background insight. Although my initial non biased, unaware of the situation response – do what feels right for YOU. I am a great believer of doing what your heart, soul, mind feels is best for you at that time. It may not be a great choice for the long run but maybe it is one you needed at that time.
It’s a strange one you see, for me anyway. Mr A and me are ‘okay’. It has never been the same in all honesty. And somehow the okayness of it all has made me linger in this situation for so long because there isn’t anything wrong per say. But it isn’t love like it used to be either. We feel more like a 50+ year married couple who just kind of put up with one another haha! I used to give myself so much grief about making the choice to reconcile with him. But in hindsight, I realise I was extremely vulnerable, broken, in the worst shape I have ever been in my life. I was traumatised, lost, going through extensive therapy, adjusting to life with all of the effects of PTSD, not eating, not sleeping, not knowing who I am – and he was the only person on the planet who knew, who somewhat understood. I needed him at that time. My soul needed familiarity, needed comfort. So I think sometimes we just need to be a bit easier on ourselves when it comes to these things..