Hi @Shelbyville,

It is good to hear from you. I was worried about how you coped over the weekend. How did things go with your new guy? Are things better? Are you back on medication to control your anxiety about him?

I’ve never been keen on therapy or medication because as you can see from my alcohol abuse I have an addictive nature and I want to equip myself to cope without not doing a great job am I?!

However, you could tell your anxiety was having a big impact on you and if it helps give you a reprieve it is worth it. Just sad to read you did so well for a year, what was different during that year, that you don’t feel you have now or is affecting your coping? Whilst on it figure out what you can do to feel more confident, so the medication doesn’t become a long term measure. These drugs mask the issue rather than solve it. Just like alcohol for me.

You don’t need to apologise, I’m just lost and like you when I’m low it makes me seek familiarity whether that’s in routine or from people I connect with like you and Tim, I feel like I was making good progress until I had to self isolate and now I’m in quicksand and trying to escape but it is is just pulling me under faster. I was doing so well. I don’t know what it is. It’s no longer my ex, it is bigger than that, it’s me. I feel desperately alone even though I am loved and have a good support network (after filtering out the dud friends.) It is a hollowness I can’t describe. For two days straight I cried about not being pregnant, there was no way I could have been. I think I wish I had a baby maybe someone I could love unconditionally and feel that back. I don’t know. I really don’t know. What child would want an alcoholic parent? I can’t even sort myself out and here I am thinking about babies. This discomfort, if I distract myself, I’m fine. When I sit with it it is all-consuming. What does journalling entail? What do you write? I have nothing to plan. I look at my life and it just feels like it is at a dead end. This has been exacerbated by COVID.

Thank you Shelbyville for replying when clearly you have a lot going on too.

Shelbyville, yes I do feel I’m pretty lucky because of support, and also because I have a lot of friends here. I used to work in another town (Capital) but I didn’t have Company there. I decided I want to live in this smaller town where I was born, as my whole family is here and friends too, and also it’s near the sea and a lot of nature near. So I came back, even though I liked my previous work more. And I have really a lot friends here so I don’t miss Company at least.

I do feel better.. I do miss my ex sometimes, but I think I mostly have anxiety because of my fear that I’m too old to find someone, that I will end up alone and childless (I’m 33.). Somehow that anxiety and panic came up now. I Know I’m still Young and as I have a lot of friends I also have opportunities to meet people, although they are limited now because of COVID. I’m going to my First appointment with therapyst today.

@Sammy, I’m so sorry.. I didn’t mean to say that you Search for support as a critique.. We all came here for that, me too. And that’s okay, I think that’s what there forums are meant for. I was just suggesting, that if other members like Tim or Shelbyville are busy and not online, to maybe search for your friends or family as a support…

I’m so sorry if you feel you find hard to do that in person, I understand. I also have maybe 1-2 persons that are close to me and with whom I speak openly about my problems. I don’t do that with the rest, but sometimes just hanging with friends and having fun helps, and makes me happy.

I guess we seek for support from others, while we should Search for that in ourselves… But that’s hard sometimes, really hard and takes time. I also always refused to go to therapy before, so I understand that too. Please feel free and welcome to post here whenever you need, as you see there are people who will relpy.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.

@Tim

It never ceases to amaze me the kindness of people who are struggling themselves. I do not wish to discuss myself in great detail but to give you some positive news I have started to build bridges with my mom and if things go smoothly it will open up extra avenues of help for me especially for the trauma-related symptoms. I have also started taking St Johns Wort a herbal alternative to Zoloft, it has helped so far. I have found single care coupons that can get me Zoloft for $9 instead of $100 without health insurance if needs be, I finally feel there’s been a break in the dark clouds.

Above all, I really wanted to say I’m sorry to hear you have been experiencing personal woes and such a difficult time with Rupert’s loss. I would like to return your kindness towards me and offer you a shoulder to lean on too. You offer so much of your time and advice and never ask for anything in return. I would like to let you know although I’m not altogether there myself you all especially yourself and @Shelbyville made me feel like there was more to me than my trauma. I’m here to listen and help you too if needed. Before Rupert’s passing, it appeared you needed advice from the ladies, amongst the issues it got dismissed. Is there anything I can help with please as a thank you for the extreme kindness you have shown me.

@Sammy

I know what it feels like to not be physically alone, but mentally feel like there is no one in sight. Being inside your head can feel like solitary confinement, we become prisoners of our own thoughts. So please keep posting, there is a lot of love for you as displayed by @Shelbyville and @Tim. Don’t give up.

@Shelbyville

Thank you so much for Sarah Blondin Insight app recommendation, meditation is calming. Mostly thanks for the continued empathy and encouragement you have shown me. Your last response to me believe it or not made me feel worthy, made me feel like the old me even if it was a fleeting moment. I just wish after reading silently you also reach a place where you tackle your root problem and feel self-worth. I’m sorry that things have become overwhelming but you are a fighter and this is just a small bump in the road. I hope things will begin to look clearer and you’ll realise your worth and stand up for yourself and needs too, make decisions that put your peace of mind first. How are you finding work and your relationship since being back on the drugs? Does it help the anxiety significantly and give you a clear perspective?

Warm hugs to all

@Lucie

Wow, I feel overwhelmed and deeply touched by your message. It appears you like things balanced although I expect nothing in return that is a wonderful quality which shows your gratitude and awareness. It will stand you in good stead and keep you moving. That message alone has balanced the books, so thank you Lucie. It was very thoughtful and kind of you.

It has also made me realise I’m not quite ready to give back and deal with the additional emotions associated with this forum, I’ll keep reading and reach out if someone is in desperate need of help but I’m still too devastated. It may seem odd to most but Rupert’s death was unexpected and he was very much my anchor especially during that dark phase of my life. His loss hits me harder as the days pass. Please do not worry though, I have a wonderful partner and family who understand and are supporting me. Your words have helped me tremendously during this time. It is heartening to read there has been some light cast in your journey, keep following it doll, it will lead to better days. The St John’s Wort you mentioned is something I will look into, it may help to taper of this current emergency dosage sooner rather than later. Thank you, you are full of pearls of wisdom. You are not defined by your trauma. It may be a part of you but it is not the whole of you.

Kudos to you for building bridges with your mom, you’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river so it’s good in life to not burn bridges with the people who may have made mistakes but when all is said and done still love us, kindness builds bridges not walls. If someone is putting in the effort to reach out to you accept it with humility.

You’re a intelligent woman, your advice to @Shelbyville and @Sammy reflects that. I’m proud of you Lucie. Keep up the good fight!

@Sammy

It’s OK to make a retreat so as to advance better. I will try to be here hopefully if and when you choose to return. Recharge those batteries, i know you gave the courage to fight. Thinking of you.

@Rhaenys

I would like to think with growth I have an objective and fair view, but being a man I can be direct at times. I genuinely do not believe you said anything out of turn, Sammy just needs time. She is self aware and she she will return if/when she wants, if not do not carry any guilt. It is unnecessary in this instance.

Life is cyclical, sometimes you unfortunately get stuck in a rut again but it is important to take lessons from experiences to not repeat the same mistakes.

I wasted a lot of time on a past relationship trying to make it work you can read my previous posts for an in depth insight. The signs were all there pointing to the obvious demise. I stayed too long. I prolonged my suffering. However, I do not regret it in that instance as it was needed to make me stronger. To repeat that mistake now would mean I learned nothing, but I did the hard graft and it’s paid dividends.

You seem to be repeating your pattern very much like @Shelbyville. The reason is because you have not done enough work to discover who you really are, what you actually need in a relationship and how to really love yourself. Society and social media feeds us with the narrative that in order to be worthy we must meet certain standards we must be married, have children, have a high salary job etc in X amount of time. It adds pressure, whilst chasing that we fail to sit with ourselves, we fail to appreciate and love ourselves. Instead we berate ourselves for not being where others are. We compare, we become ungrateful and we lose ourselves in the process. Then we search for something to fill that void be it a relationship or another vice.

When I first met one of my partners cousin who is of a similar age to yourself, an extremely intelligent woman with high flying career, beautiful, kind and humble very much like my partner. I made the mistake of asking her why she was still single and if she felt her biological clock ticking. After the initial glare that almost pierced my soul. I remember exactly what she said;

“Tim, I have had the heartbreaks. Each relationship made it even more clear that I was worth more than I’d allowed myself to have in a relationship. I’m content being alone it affords me freedom but if someone wants to be a permanent part of my life and create life with me, I have learned they have to enhance it. Meaningful companionship is essential but my life is still fulfilling and valuable in the absence of a relationship. Even with past experiences I’m open to it, I simply am yet to meet him but you’ll be very mistaken to believe whilst waiting I’m going to waste my days worrying trapped by dogma, no Tim, I’m going to live my best life.”

That short interaction exuded so much positive energy it rubbed off on me. Surround yourself with the kind of people who encourage a positive change in one’s behaviour especially when the chips are down.

That is proof if you have high self worth, you will always remain true to who you are and love yourself regardless of your circumstances and where you are on the “timeline”.  You can still feel fulfilled and walk away from relationships that are unfulfilling with the belief you will be content and a better future awaits.

You attract and want to keep what you believe you deserve. If you have low self worth you’ll stay in very long relationships as you have but they will all end as they never met your needs. Your values were never aligned to begin with. You stayed to fill a void.

So I think if you commit to therapy, look into codependency, attachments and practice self love you’ll learn to let go of being in love with the ideals in your head, you’ll break the pattern of negative loop feedback and seeking relationships as a form of validation of your worth.

Instead you’ll manifest it when the timing is right. When you are in a relationship you’ll make wiser choices and choose someone who actually enhances your life too. At the moment you are living in fear. Fear of losing someone. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved so you end up settling or choosing the wrong ones. Etc.

That is no way to live and will just make you more sad and more anxious.I’ve been there. Believe in yourself and enjoy life don’t be in a rush to be where you think society expects you to be. You will no longer court wastes of times – the ones who play push/pull games and make you fall hard with the electric chemistry, but don’t want to commit, the ones with ambiguous intentions, the ones with nothing important to say or add to your life, the ones who believe in so little who exist simply to entertain themselves through selfishness.

Be better, feel better from within and start appreciating all that you bring to your own life. You are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting and keeping. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. Then you’ll naturally find the RIGHT one if it’s meant to be, who cares, respects, support and cherishes the ground you walk on and hopefully you’ll be wise enough to not sabotage and throw it away.

Good luck Rhaenys, hopefully the others on the forum will contribute if you need further support.

@Shelbyville Very touched by your intuitive understanding and highly appreciate the sentiment, thank you. Do you have pets? It really is heartwarming when strangers (although I consider you all my TB crew now) are able to understand your grief and pain so well. Your words have uplifted me during a difficult time.

This thread itself serves as a constant reminder when caught up in our own storms that behind closed doors there are so many people suffering from their own battles and hurting, so I try to remind myself to be kind. To reach out to people with unexpected kindness. To invest in good people who have accepted me for who I am whilst encouraging and nurturing me further. It took a lot of growth to stop my heart hardening after my first relationship and not be selfish. Kindness was what healed me. Surround yourself with that doll, that energy will raise you. The anxious thoughts will allay.

If you need any help with navigating relationships. I’m here to help, I’ve been there and experienced neediness etc.

I think your therapist is right, dissecting a relationship so intensely in your mind can lead you to leaving before you have given it a real chance. The best assessment is always of your partners actions. So just step back and relax, observe his actual actions don’t be fooled by words. It is casual so act casually.

In regards to Sammy, she thought she needed tough love, but deep down she is caught between a strong mind and fragile heart. Like you said she is very astute however clearly needs time to confront her emotions, I hope she returns too and realises she has plenty of support and love on here and continues to fight.

Have a lovely weekend and walk amongst the nature. Thank you for your words, it’s amazing how a reply or reaching out can touch a soul. Takes a few minutes but is priceless.

Tim