Hey Shelby!

It’s been awhile since I have posted here but I still read semi-regularly.

Firstly I wanted to say that I am really proud of you for putting yourself into the dating arena again! Such a slog.

Second, I wanted to suggest you read up on attachment styles. I know I talked about them a little awhile back. It have been a really useful framework for me to understand how I act in relationships, especially potentially romantic ones, why others may act like they do and how it triggers/affects me. Like you I am very much anxious-preoccupied and perceive changes in people’s behaviour easily that make me very very anxious. Sorry to say that this guy sounds very much avoidant, and I think without him recognising and committing to address that there is little hope of you having a fulfilling relationship. Check out the “attachment theory” reddit and you may recognise some patterns there- I found it helpful, anyway!

I should of course say that is easy for me to say; harder to live. For example, I recognise when my anxious attachment is triggered very easily now, and when potential dates likely have an avoidant style but I still struggle hugely knowing what to do next. For example, I’ve been talking to someone solidly for a few weeks now and had a nice date with them this past weekend and not hearing from them consistently  is causing me massive anxiety even though I know it’s just because my attachment system is triggered, and I can also tell they likely have an avoidant style. But I’m not sure if that means I just cut my losses, give it a few weeks and reach out again, or just reach out now like I want to. I wish this stuff came with a rulebook!

Anyway, hope your infection clears up and you are feeling better soon. That’s a lot to deal with on top of dating anxiety. Xx

@Shelbyville,

Its good to hear from you, sometimes I lack tact so I was worried.

I’m so so, I need that routine, I feel myself slipping and I think the idea of undoing all the progress being back to square 1 is frightening me.

What are the odds we both had a pregnancy scare? At least you had better odds with you dating currently mine was just pure stupidity!! Crazy hormones.

Lady infections are crappy, try cranberry juice for it!! Medicine quickly sorts it out so you did the best thing going to drs.

The cold sore could be from oral play or kissing, have you had it before? If not you must have got it from him. Or it could be a rash from wearing masks if you have to use them regularly.

I’m sad to hear you feel so low, him behaving like that is a reflection of him, not you. If he isn’t consistent in caring then it tells you it was a front. A genuine caring person remains good regardless.

I really don’t know what to make of him. Is he depressed so he is unable to offer more? Or is he just stringing you along because he is bored but disinterested in taking it further?

All I can conclude is he is disturbing your peace of mind, he has made you feel more negative than good maybe it is unintentionally and it is arising because of a lack of compatibility. That should be speaking to you, telling you to cut your losses walk away. You still haven’t explained why you feel compelled to put up with it?

In your own words just to name a few things you feel so early on;

• Bland texts/conversations
• Lost the magic
• Called you moody
• Scant communication
• Inconsistent behaviour by him – care

Maybe KKasxo can give you a fresh perspective. In the meantime, I’m happy to offer advice too which may be direct but it is with your best interests. Have you seen your therapist?

Don’t spend tonight feeling sad over someone who doesn’t deserve it, you should feel sad for him that he doesn’t appreciate a person who is so loyal, giving, and attentive. You deserve more Shelby.

Don’t run around like a headless chicken. He should be just as excited to see you, planning days with you, not leaving it all to you, if he isn’t don’t you dare bend over backward for him. People take advantage!

Virtual hug x

@Shelbyville

Now that you have given context it is understandable and obvious in this instance he needs space and not deliberately neglecting your needs. Your friend is right. People deal with things differently. You may like to talk it out with cuddles and affirmations. Others like to just retreat. That is completely normal.

It’s how it makes you feel which is the issue. That’s down to incompatibility and attachment styles. But if you continue to try and make it work you will end up contorting to allow this behaviour but it will end the same, I think you’ll always feel shut out > anxious > hurt. This is to do with who you both are fundamentally and not easily changeable. It would take major change of behaviour by both to work. Currently as you are one of you will end up resentful.

Listen to what he wants which is space right now. Allow him time to digest that news. You’ve told him you are there for him. In the meantime focus on you. Sorting out the infection and lowering your stress as the cold sores. Poor immune response is usually down to our bodies being stressed!!

The ache you are getting is due to the potential you see and ideals in your head. Also because you being so self critical you’ll consider this as a reflection of yourself and feel not good enough, etc. That is not the case it is just not a good fit.

Dealing with a loss of potential which may never have transpired is better than being in a long term relationship and being unfulfilled and feeling anxious/hurt constantly. If it gets resolved now something else will pop up down the line, the more time you invest the harder the break will be. It hasn’t even been 3 months usually this period of dating is a way to determine if it will work and you are learning about each other. The break up sounds inevitable. Just try and reframe it think of it as a blessing you have realised how incompatible you are early on rather than years in.

I’ll be stuck in doors and on stand-by. I think personally think the right thing to do is walk away for your peace of mind. However let him digest the news of his job in peace. I have a feeling if you both are actually insecure and avoidant to a degree you will not do the healthy thing for each other and just allow it to continue because some of your needs are getting met. Long term this is unhealthy and will lead to toxicity.

I didn’t even think to adapt a new routine indoors. If there was alcohol in the house, I probably would have slipped back into that! So I’m grateful for not going that backwards..so far! A new routine is actually a really good idea and if I can find a coping technique indoors it may make a huge difference. A list may work. I like structure. I’ll try it.

Anyway thinking of you Shelby. I hope you managed to get some sleep. How are you feeling this morning?

@Shelbyville do let us know how you are coping and if you are ok, even if it a short message and if you still need us on stand by so I’ll check TB for your messages x

@Adelaide1

It is nice to read you are still as insightful as ever. That person meant something to you so it’s normal to feel confused when running into one another. Try to remind yourself why you broke up, did that person add something to your life that is worthwhile keeping some contact ?

I’m of the opinion friendship after dating is very difficult even if there was an amicable break up. From experience if you loved or had strong feelings it is difficult and I couldn’t remain friends with my ex. I normally had to go NC to move on.

I also believe M/F who find each other attractive on any level can not be friends, sex always gets in the way. I don’t know if that’s applicable to F/F. It would be nice to stay friends or acquaintances with some people but it’s not always possible.

@Shelbyville is quiet and that usually means things are going well or she’s having a good weekend (I hope you are! do let us know how you are so we don’t worry!!) I think she is nc with ex but still friends with her guy friend she dated so in theory there must be no attraction and feelings there hence easier for her? She will probably be able to give you a better idea of how and if it’s worth the energy to remain friends.
 

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Sammy.

@ Adelaide1 It all depends on circumstances, whether the person brings positive energy in your life or not. Thanks, it’s a journey but I’m trying hard to not let the latest train of thoughts derail me.

@Shelbyville I’m hoping and assuming you are fine hence no correspondence. However do let us know as I’m worried because you asked us to stay on stand by and not heard. You mentioned when your anxiety was heightened in the past you were scared to do something stupid. I hope you are ok. x

@Tim how are you? How are you coping with Rupert? I miss your correspondence. I hope you are ok would love to hear from you.

Anyone there? I feel really lonely of late.

i feel I’m slipping. I’m trying hard to talk myself out of it.