@Tim what happened? who died? I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you! I’ll let you off the hook for the hypocritical comment 😛 . You are such a kind person despite your own burden you came to help! Take care and don’t worry about us, grieve in peace, unless that helps you.

@Shelbyville I really have loved Tim’s insight which made me discuss more with my bestie. Usually we avoid talking about our jobs but it’s been a good change, coaxed me to look inwards. I have always offered good advice just never followed it. Your own emotions can be so blinding in personal situations!

Can I say I’m impressed you were so receptive that shows determination to improve. I think you need more people to cast a different light on your situations and that may help recognise and then change your behaviour.

I read your thread and saw familiarity and also picked up on a few things. If you are open to discussing them honestly and frankly it may give you a fresh perspective.

I’m on the journey of self love and will be happy to share tips.

This new guy how long have you been dating exactly? If after a short space of time he is behaving like this why are you putting up with it? (I know why!) Please do not tell me it is because you have had sex. Does this not send red flags for the future? I would not invest more time in it, this person is going to exacerbate your insecurities from the lack of communication and immaturity alone.

Obviously it’s your choice. You should do what you feel is right. Let me know how tomorrow pans out. I would advise to avoid sex as a solution tomorrow, it can blind you! A grown up conversation is much needed. Don’t be fearful to let go yourself.

Please don’t let this new undefined relationship/fling undo the progress and work. You can choose to not let it upset you. I’ll be thinking of you x

Aww @Tim I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁  you’re not alone, if you want to share any memories of your Rupert, I’m here. There’s nothing I can say right now to make you feel better. I wish I could. Dogs are so loyal and true friends. I hope the shared memories bring you comfort. Thinking of you x

@Shelbyville Thank you so much for your reply given how overwhelmed you are lately. I experience the exact same flooding then my heart feels like it’s in my throat and slowly my windpipe is squeezing until I feel I can’t breathe. Sometimes it is so suffocating I feel like this is it, I’m going to die. Strange how at that moment I want it to ease and have a will to live but when the sleep paralysis and flashbacks happen I desperately want to disappear forever. The technique of fading out or greying out the memory of the trauma is something I will try because it is still so vivid.

Thanks to your advice I’m leaning on more people now. I know I can’t go through this alone any longer. I do want to beat this. Reading your experience with medication no longer makes it sound daunting.

I want to say this thread created by you has kept me going. Reading you fight and persevere through years inspired me to keep that little hope.

I haven’t ever commented on your situations because I thought who would want to hear from someone as messed up as me. I want to say I really hope you realise you don’t stay upset for long and you don’t give up.  You deserve someone who wants you and makes you feel special because the most precious gift is time. Invest that time in someone who takes time to reply even when they have so much going on, when someone checks on your wellbeing without you asking. Time and attention are gifts that are priceless. You have given so much of your time back to people like me and you are appreciated and loved for it and that’s why I don’t take it for granted. You deserve to find that person who gives you time too, the one who wants to be in your company and makes you feel special. The right people will want us and love us even if we are broken, and we will not want them we will push them away thinking how can they see something in the real us what is wrong with them. We will chase after the ones who don’t want us to validate our distorted view of us being crazy and unlovable.

Time is so precious.

@Tim I read your reply, touched beyond words by your kindness. At this moment I want you to grieve, my condolences and deep felt sympathy for your loss of your dog Rupert. Hope you meet again in heaven.

@All Thank you so much for giving me your time to respond, listening without judgement and helping me without entitlement.  I will never be able to repay it in person. So the best I can do is fight if not for me but for all those who cared enough to push me to keep hope and helped at a very dark time in my life. I will be forever indebted. 

@Lucie doll, I am happy to read you are seeking help outside the realm of this forum. I believe it will change your life. You are so brave, every one has a voice which deserves to be heard. There is more to you then your trauma. You expressed your thoughts to @Shelbyville wonderfully and deeply moved by the concept of time and attention. Something Rupert gave abundantly and unconditionally, we deserve that from humans too. When Shelby reads it I’m sure she will be touched.

@Shelbyville I hope the recent absence means you have managed to survive and are now keeping your head above the water and things have improved with work and your current relationship situation. Do let us know even if briefly how you are doing, reading your last paragraph was tough. I hope things are brighter for you.

@Sammy I am moved by the kindness shown in offering condolences by all. Thank you for your sympathy and support during this difficult time when I know life is not very rosy for yourself either currently. Your recent posts have shown so much progress, how astute and perceptive you are. Apply all this knowledge and stay away from the bottle. You’ll rise again and find better. Keep an eye on the others on this thread, it will keep you focused and offer overall growth as a human being.

I am devastated by my loss. Rupert played a significant role during my darkness and for him to no longer be in my life is a void I’m currently finding unbearable. I’m not ready to discuss his memories, they are too painful and only highlight the loss more. I will try my best to reply or help when I can but I apologise in advance if you run into trouble or a dip and I’m not available immediately.

keep going, keep growing, keep the spirit of this thread alive all.

Tim.

Aww, @Shelbyville I was so upset for you after your last message so it is great to hear back from you.  Lucie is right, you are so special and give so much time and attention you very much deserve that.  I can’t say if you are catastrophizing because your friends may know the situation better than me. However, my point of view is based on what you have conveyed above.

I still believe until you have addressed some of the neediness and self-worth going into a new relationship is probably unwise and may even cause more damage to you. I mean another toxic cycle will reinforce MARTHA – the negative inner critic.

What worries me is although he is still there and didn’t end it, your intuitiveness and gut was right, so Tim’s POV had substance in this scenario may be the neediness and insecurities is not self-sabotage but someone making you genuinely feel that way because they are not willing to meet your needs/ the right person for you.

You had picked up that the dynamic had changed and yet you are choosing to ignore it further. It flagged up his lack of action towards a more meaningful relationship. It is strange considering how he was all about being in a serious relationship and now the opportunity has presented itself he is refusing to commit. I don’t understand why your moving cities is such a big deal how does it affect his life plans?

RIGHT NOW he is clearly saying YOU are not someone who has made him want to commit. People who initially conveyed they wanted a relationship but then refuse to commit are those who are unavailable i.e not moved on from ex or treating you as a backup plan so if the ex doesn’t return/they don’t get better you will be strung along with breadcrumbs to keep you hooked for as long as they need. Or they are not into you and just enjoy the fun, attention, an ego boost.

You are not BF&GF so effectively you are FWBs – this person is enjoying all the perks of a relationship, the warm body on his own terms, and not wanting to commit as he gets it all without the commitment. I personally do not do casual for this reason, I can not sleep with someone without them making me exclusive. Each to their own though.

You said he initially made you feel special, people who are after fun and attention are notorious for love bombing in the initial period. What worries me now is now that you have been intimate he is consistently not making you feel special. Considering how early it is I would be concerned. Someone who really thinks you are special will continue to show that in their action; make time, give you attention, do special things for you, etc.

I find it alarming that you want to discuss your feelings or voice your concerns are met by disdain and he is actually saying I can change my mind and want fun! Now is this because he was after a casual affair all along and lied to you or is it because he feels you are being needy so creating the distance? Would you say you were pushy with him or did you feel unheard? Only you can honestly judge that. Either way, all these signs are screaming you two are already somewhat incompatible.

• Your communication styles differ i.e. stonewalling
• He doesn’t have the apt/sensitivity to deal with your concerns in an understanding way – you may wish to ignore this now but your needs will seep out at some point but I think they are already
• He is not giving you time and attention that you clearly need and desire
• When you have to ask for a call – that is worrying. You shouldn’t feel you can not call someone you want a committed relationship with. I do not feel you are the kind of person who would hound someone when they are busy, you just want to feel wanted. He clearly isn’t making you feel that.

To make it balanced I feel you also may have made an ideal in your head instead of seeing him objectively for what he is. After that initial courting phase for some relationships that electric chemistry quickly fizzles out or flirting dies down that is normal. Real strong chemistry lasts for longer, and in committed relationships eventually, you will find that you both need to work to keep that fire alive. He already knows he has you and what he is showing you now is his real self. Do you like this real self or do you like the initial phase?

It can be very common to feel an attachment to someone after sex since the brain releases all these hormones. The release of these hormones after being physically intimate may cause a feeling of attachment and closeness but you need to look at what your wants and needs are, do they actually align? It doesn’t appear to me they do purely based on what you have told us so far. If you had self-worth you would walk away because you would know you deserve more then crumbs of attention. You deserve all or nothing.

Hanging out with friends and prioritising them from time to time is healthy, everyone needs an independent life but I think anyone would be super annoyed if plans were made with someone in advance, and then they were brushed off for friends. Not even an emergency, a clear choice to be with someone other than you. That is a major character flaw and super disrespectful and immature behaviour. It is not someone who is working towards a serious relationship or demonstrating any loyalty to original plans. You clearly are not a priority. If you are happy to be casual then you have to accept it. How did you respond?

“I want him and I don’t know why?” That says a lot, Shelby. You are in love with the idea of him or being in a relationship. You said you feel alone in a new city, so you must be lonely, looking to fill a void. You’d rather have anyone around instead of dealing with your feelings of loneliness and low self-worth, you are willing to overlook certain behavior too. I think you catch feelings for a certain type more because you assign or put more value on them because they are unattainable. Somehow if they choose you it validates you. I think I’m the same, someone who has shown me consistent attention I always rejected. I made the wrong choices and here I am done with the pain. I want the real thing. This means I am going to confront all my issues so when I am out there, I will have the self-worth and power to walk away when my needs are not met. I will no longer rely on anyone else to make me feel whole. I will be self-sufficient.
Read this:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us

I think it was another poster but they said sometimes we are sent lessons again and again until we learn.

You are so intelligent Shelby, do not hurt yourself again and again. This strikes me as a very selfish person, who knows you need more but is gaining something whilst not committing. I think if you plucked up the self-worth and courage to walk away I’d be wary he doesn’t draw you in with crumbs again. Never settle unless he shows intent to commit and change some of his behaviour to compromise x

@Shelbyville If I could I’d give you a big fat hug right now. Sending you a virtual one instead.  You’re strong, you have done and been through this before and can again. Inhale and exhale. Your therapist is not here, so let’s shed light on how and why you feel like this.

You are NOT MOODY ok and I’ll shout it louder for the people in the back!!! You suffer from anxiety a part of you which when it rears its head can make you feel scared etc. I don’t think the new guy is bad but I think he lacks sensitivity, communication, and tact. Again something you need to a degree, making you incompatible.

For you to feel secure you need reassurance, this guy is triggering something in you that makes you want him even though you may be aware he isn’t currently right for you, and for it to stop you need him to behave a certain way.

1. Can I ask did your prev guy friend make you feel this way? If no, why? That difference may be the key.
2. Does this new guy actually know you suffer from anxiety? If no, maybe explaining how it makes you feel and the thoughts it causes can inspire a change in his behaviour? Part of intimacy is letting someone in closer than you let the rest of the world. It’s trusting that person with the fragile, messy, parts of you – these parts will always be ok with the person who loves you.
3. Do you think your desperate need to be with him is because you are actually lonely? Would you say you jump from one relationship to the next and have had backup plans in case your relationships don’t work out? This isn’t just related to a romantic relationship, it is also true for your friendships. You are literally never alone. Because over quarantine appears you were with your guy friend, then you realised your ex had definitely moved on, then you started casual dating and now in a cycle with this new guy. You may be rebounding or just filling voids and the fear of losing him is more to do with you being alone. It somehow reinforcing the idea that you are unlovable so you cling??

You are not giving yourself the love you need right now, you were heartbroken x3 you are here today – SURVIVOR
You are someone who has a huge amount of good traits for relationships; loyal and gives time and honesty to others – AMAZING

Let’s be kind to ourselves yes? Say word affirmations to boost your self-esteem. What you focus on is what becomes important, so this week shift the focus. Set a limit, I can only focus on thinking about him when he texts +10 mins after, any other time of the day I will set my own goals for the week. Change the focus to work. Focus on day by day, forget how he will respond throughout the week. So today what will you do to pick yourself up; is it a pamper, watch tv, go for a walk. What are your hobbies?

Be alone and enjoy it.

Sending hugs and virtual love x