Hi @Shelbyville

I’m in military mode myself, discipline in my runs which has really helped lift some of that fog and firing off anyone who offers me nothing which no one is used to and took them by surprise. I had a huge clearout of so called friends and I feel better for it as they showed no concern for me during this time citing I had split up so many times they believed I would be ok and accept it by now, the nerve! It has been 6 months + that initial pain where I thought I can’t live has lifted but my ex, unfortunately, is on my mind in various ways a lot but I’m trying. I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I think the way it has panned out I will end up a much better person for it, The bad days are getting fewer I need to trust the process. His family still message me but I’m undecided to keep the ties or go for a clean break?!

First of all, Shelby, take a deep breath and give yourself a massive pat on the back, You ARE OVER YOUR EX! that is a humongous achievement. You did the growth to move on, You decided, however, you got there, you deserved more, you want to be in another relationship.

Self-worth is something I think needs a little more work reading what you wrote. It isn’t healthy to be so upset after casual dating ends with someone you didn’t really want. You are putting your worth entirely on the decision of someone else. Casual dating is meant to be light and fun and a way of avoiding pain really because you still have other options, you haven’t put your eggs in one basket. So there is something wrong, you still need to work on your self-love. It also kind of indicates you may actually be a monogamist yourself and want that one person to love and be loved by so badly.

Onto the 2nd guy, from what you wrote I think he sounds great and you are self-sabotaging here. He is a monogamist and focuses on one person at a time, so you don’t have to worry about cheating or competition. Monogamy is rare in people these days. He has put out the feelers and you initially wanted to go at a different pace, he still stuck around that is reassurance. Maybe he felt like you didn’t want more so he pulled back a little himself to meet your pace. Now you are rushing in, just give him space and time to catch up. You’ve suggested a sleepover so the fact he is being cautious and suggested the morning is good, he is not looking to get in your pants.

Do you know what you actually want from a relationship? Like what is your list after the lessons from your past? “But he was really head wrecked by me and couldn’t understand what I was talking about” what do you mean? What did you discuss that would make him feel that way or are you assuming?

The only thing I’d be wary about 2nd guy is him not being a great communicator/ not into the deep stuff, it seems you have a type because your ex was the same. So you may be looking for validation rather than love. I think as a person you will always need a bit of reassurance so just make sure you can communicate that across and an understanding partner will give you that but at the same time learn to be confident in yourself too. If your needs are not being met don’t cling. I think you place your worth in another person.

You are putting your heart on the line again so of course, it is going to be scary, of course, you are going to have nerves. But that means being vulnerable enough to handle rejection, as Tim said as long as you are being true to yourself if someone rejects you take it on the chin. It is their loss that is the mentality you need to adopt. Don’t have expectations, let things happen. If you nitpick and worry x means he isn’t interested without any evidence, it will be over before you know it. I’d say Sat morn focus on something like what you’ll do, wear, eat instead of he’s lost interest, take a chilled out approach, have fun on the day. Then have a light conversation about what you both want or see it going, if you’re still not on the same page then work on if you can be, if not be confident to walk away it is still early days you said only a few weeks ago you were dating newly and for distraction. Don’t let what could just be infatuation tie you in knots. You’ll be able to gauge more in-person conversation. You may be over-worrying for nothing.

Your job like seriously I’d give it some time it’s 2 weeks, so the initial introduction/ familiarisation is always intense, after a month if I felt the same and depressed by it I’d quit. x

@Shelbyville if you need to dump your emotions to ease the anxious thoughts you can. I’m working from home this week so can reply promptly. It is nice to not think so much about my own shit, makes me feel like I’m normal again eases the pain for a bit, it is why I was enjoying the offtopic conversation of romcoms or men/women behaviour with Tim. So I’m happy to help you figure things out. The contributors on this thread especially yourself have been so kind to me.

Acceptance is a huge step, so come on give yourself credit!! You have chosen to let go even if it is not what you wanted. You could have still chosen to try and reconcile but you know it is time to move forward now rather than being in denial. It is sad to read you still don’t have the self-confidence and worth to state you deserved more because I read the thread and you really did.

What are you scared of exactly? The rejection or being lonely? Or something else?

Because you have the scarcity approach and combine that with your low self-worth you are ending up being needy. Just tell yourself you the worst-case scenario will be rejection, if that happens tell yourself you’ve survived it before, you can again. You are the prize too, you should both feel equally happy and proud to have one another and feel you both shouldn’t lose one another.

Can I ask some frank questions? Don’t answer if you don’t want but it may help you.

1) Have you been intimate with him and he feels distant now?

2) When you had the panic attack why didn’t you let him know even if it meant waking him up when you were asleep? These attacks are a part of you that he will need to accept and it would have given you an insight to see if he meets your needs.

3) There is definitely a communication barrier, it is like you are both walking on eggshells around each other and because you are so intuitive you are picking up on things, he should have communicated he was mad you arrived so late and had adult conversation to nip it in the bud, instead it seeped over and clearly he was still holding onto it for him to still be bothered days later after your time together that he mentioned it in the call.

You need to be wary that you don’t fall into old patterns of bending over backwards to appease.

4) Why has your new job thrown him? Are you seeing each other less as a result? If so, try and utilise technology. Distance is never a barrier in committed relationships. No relationship should stop you from being independent.

5) Could it be you both have expectations without having actually defined the relationship? Maybe a calm heart to heart on Sat after a chilled fun day may alleviate both of your concerns. Without the same level of communication, you will run into problems if not now further down the line.

6) Do you think you are ready for a relationship? You still seem to be seeking approval and happiness in a partner that will lead to issues. Neediness is easily detected and can turn people off. You need to head into a relationship feeling strong, strong enough that if it doesn’t work out you will be disappointed but not feel so petrified of feeling dejected to the heights of the last relationship.

Love requires risk, you may get hurt but rejection should make you stronger not destroy you. You have to also ensure what you are seeking is love and not validation x

@Shelbyville by that I don’t mean I’m happy you are struggling, I much rather you were happy! Just helps switch off for a bit helping others.

Is this new guy emotionally supporting you in your work stress? Good on you for walking out I wouldn’t stay a minute longer if I felt unease, prioritise yourself. I hope you get a good night’s sleep.

Speak in the morning! x

Thank you for you advice it helped a lot. Wanted to add that.

HERE ARE THE TRAITS OF HIGH-VALUE WOMAN – can we really say we meet these naturally? I know I don’t so I need the time to be comfortable being alone and work on myself.

The high-value woman doesn’t equate her worth to sex.

As a woman, your worth isn’t tied to your vagina. Women’s bodies have always been theirs without truly belonging to them. Sex has culturally been a determining factor that insecure men draw a false sense of power from and thereby feel the need to base a woman’s worth on her body count or lack thereof. But who gave a man that power? Cue Queen Mother Erykah Badu Certainly, not me.

The high value woman knows her worth without relying on a man to validate her worth or value. The high value woman doesn’t let what others think of her dictate how she lives her life. The high value woman doesn’t use sex as collateral and instead makes decisions for her body based on her wants, independent of what anyone else says in attempts to try to police – whether it is celibacy, abstinence, or sex three times a week.

A high value woman transforms sexuality into what it is, a vessel of self-expression and intimacy, as opposed to a commodity. She is aware that the aspect of her that a man should really be worried about acquiring is her exclusivity. That’s the real prize.

The high value woman is confident.

While confidence can be faked until it’s made, authentic and deeply felt self-love stems from a place of true confidence. And that is where a high value woman harnesses her power. She doesn’t need anyone and as a result, none of her actions come from a place of neediness – instead, it echoes confidence. She knows her worth and it is evident in the way that she walks, talks, but most importantly, in the way that she treats herself.

Thus, the quality of men she attracts know they have to step their game up and treat her in a way that matches what she does on her own or more, or they can keep it moving.

The high value woman doesn’t play games.

Because she is a high value woman, she doesn’t feel the need to behave in a way that is inauthentic to her desires nor is she one to manipulate for the hell of it. She doesn’t pretend to be busy, take twice as long to respond as her potential bae did to a text, or swallow and shroud herself in an effort to be more likeable to the opposite sex. She doesn’t have to follow arbitrary rules to seem more unattainable or more attractive – she just doesn’t have the concern.

She is only interested in attracting and keeping people who value who she is as a woman in the way that she values who she is. That kind of woman is not worried about whether or not potential bae is thrilled by the chase.

The high value woman is self-aware and expressive.

Some women fail to realize that a lot of what makes them a woman are qualities to be revered – being emotional and sensitive are just two of those qualities. These are beautiful feminine qualities that you should own as pivotal aspects of your divinity. Closed mouths don’t get fed, and women hide so much of themselves out of fear of being too this or too that, so they don’t voice their opinions, their thoughts, or feelings – especially in dating.

The high value woman doesn’t hide herself in any way from the world, especially not from a prospective partner. She understands that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it and that the way she expresses herself is a part of seduction and intimacy. She is grounded in her own sensibility and understanding of the world. She is not afraid to ask for what she wants, to say “no,” or demand respect by walking away confidently from a table where dinner is no longer served.

The high value woman has her own.

Her value is not intrinsically dependent on a man. She is enough just by existing so she is enough for herself. She feels good in her own skin, complete, full, and whole. She is a well-rounded woman who is emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually independent. She travels the world, makes time for her girls, and clocks into a work life she’s passionate about.

She can wait for Mr. Right without desperation because she knows that the man she chooses will be the one that deserves her and all that she is.

@Shelbyville I’m worried are you ok?

Let us know how you are coping, I hope tomorrow goes well and you enjoy your date and it’s nothing but a storm in a teacup.

Thinking of you x

I am grieving at the moment which is why I need some time away, I read some of the posts and felt compelled to respond because it may reassure and help you @Shelbyville.

The majority of what @Sammy said was surprisingly true ( Sammy, you should act on your own advice otherwise it is hypocritical 😉 ) but Shelby doll, it is something you may want to really reflect on after tomorrow. I suffered a lot of insecurity or low self-worth and as a man, it is almost worse as everyone has this expectation you should be an Alpha male, strong, etc. It made me do some things I’m not proud of and I admit I was a sub-par partner for a while. I have evolved into a completely rounded individual and it has benefited me in all aspects of my life; relationships, work, etc. You can’t fake true confidence.

What I don’t think has been highlighted is your intuitiveness and given how aware you are I do not think you are being entirely irrational and sabotaging from what you have written. There are clear concerns here, there has been a definite change in dynamic and the feelings it is bringing up are valid. It is very easy to be labelled needy, In fact, maybe the problem isn’t that you’re needy but that he’s incapable of giving you what you need.

You need to determine if the change in dynamic is a direct reaction to your behaviour or is it you actually have someone who is genuinely making you feel like this from not understanding who you are.

I will say this, once the electricity and fireworks fade after the initial period you will be left with the actual reality which is why being yourself from the get-go is important. Never rely on the feelings of intimacy during that period, you can have great sex and still not want to commit. If you want a long-lasting relationship then what should be bringing you closer is being aligned in needs and values. You just have to pay attention to how the energy unfolds as the truth will play out to understand what was built with a solid foundation and whatnot.

You mentioned people think you are something else and disappointed later, which is why you should always be authentic. If they don’t like you for it they are not for you and can shove it. That is when you will find real love and the happiness within yourself too. You need to relentlessly be you, boldly, and unashamedly and love yourself for it.

It is important to be aware of your wants and needs and value system when getting into a relationship and to find out the wants and needs and value system of the person you are dating early on, so you can stop dating if you are not compatible enough. So the fact you are finding it hard to steer the conversation there I understand must be causing anxious feelings. It is not very mature of him. This is basic communication, do not make yourself feel like you are a head wreck for wanting to communicate your concerns. On the flip side if you have thrown out accusations i.e. YOU DO NOT CARE etc instead of stating I feel this is important to me….. then you are to blame.

Anyone who suggests that you are “needy” is simply trying to disparage your feelings on the subject. Again, he is not a bad person for being ok with seeing you less often, and you are not a bad person for wanting more. No one is right or wrong here. Wanting to spend more time with someone you value is a natural tendency. If no compromise can be made then both of you should acknowledge that and move on from this relationship. Anyone insisting on having their way at the expense of the other person then is being immature and deliberately hurtful.

You mentioned panic attacks this is something that has happened to me and my current partner from the very beginning was supportive. However I don’t rely on her to soothe me always, but it is nice to have comfort, and she trying to talk and understand how / what feelings triggered it. She has the emotional intelligence to adapt and assess a situation and that is something I need in a partner; emotional understanding. If you need that then it’s met by confusion then you will no doubt be left feeling anxious.

The fact your new guy was angry with you for being late in itself seems strange for someone trying to then assert independence. You kept him informed throughout the day. Plans sometimes fall through, it is inevitable. As long as there is communication and rearrangement are made then that’s ok. So before you get swept away in lust and let your insecurities heighten because of your inner critic is searching for its own validation, really assess what you are losing in this person.

Having said all this, if after an honest inward assessment, what @Sammy wrote rings true about patterns in your relationship where you develop unrealistic expectations due to needing constant reassurance because of low self-worth/insecurity then I suggest you take time out and work on yourself. Because you don’t want to spend the rest of your days feeling like this checking if a kiss has been added etc it will ruin you.

I’m proof healthy relationships are possible and I was messed up! A couple who doesn’t communicate and has to try to figure out what the other person is feeling is not communicating effectively so tomorrow COMMUNICATE!

So be yourself tomorrow, have fun, express yourself, and keep us in the loop. Good luck doll!