@Kkasxo thank you so much for your reply! You don’t know how much it helps. Actually this whole thread by @shelbyville has kept me going. I’ve been trying to cope by this all myself. To read you managed to adapt and survive a combination of PTSD, anxiety and depression without meds has given me so much needed hope. I can’t afford meds or therapy but i was scared i would end up drugged up to my eyeballs to survive. I know it helps so many but I rather try the above recommendation then become reliant on medication. You are such a fighter. Thanks for the advice on the PTSD forum. I’ll definitely check it out.

If any other questions come up can i message you on here?

@Sammy – sorry I did not get a notification. What’s bothering you?

I think you are so focused on getting to the finishing line asap, but let me tell you all of these trials and setbacks are normal, try to heed sage advice and you will get there faster with less pain but in the end, what happens is down to you. Yes, you have the control, even if it feels like you are spiraling out of control, it takes a small adjustment in that mind, to steer you back from the edge. Letting emotions flow so you can set goals and make more decisions. See the relationship as a rehearsal it was just preparing you for a better and stronger one, so persevere despite the mishaps.

Are you using a buddy or are @Shelbyville and I your buddies? I detect sarcasm or at least I hope in this comment;

” I now wait until midday to drink…can I toast to that? Progress?” You can toast to any progress with a pint of milk or orange juice. 

It can feel incredibly isolating and lonely after a break-up, we become tired of friends and family repeating the same realistic advice which is always correct but never quite registers because we are wanting to hear that hope, the answers to make us feel better, I am happy to provide conversation to at least make that loneliness less overwhelming and ease up on the advice on the basis you on your side undergo the work to resolve the issues; letting go, self-worth and drinking, Work on these and before you know it that loving long term relationship you desire will happen.

I’ll try not to take offense to your sexist digs :P, after all, you are hurting, us men can be “Thirsty” but not all of us are after primarily sex, we want cuddles and companionship too!

Hey all,

@Tim that’s ok, I can’t expect you at my beck and call. Sorry for being impatient, but I was a bloody saint with my ex. One of my many negs! I was having a tough day because my ex’s sister got engaged, we were quite close and she did reply to my congratulatory message but I expected more I was once part of their lives and now I’m reduced to nothing.  You are right in the sense I’m trying to rush to a place where I’m stable because I have no idea where to go, who I am anymore. The more I think. the more I sink probably why I resort to the alcohol.

I need a proper buddy and it would be unfair to put that on you and Shelby. Although I would definitely appreciate your advice as well as a conversation to aid my loneliness. I am wary though, what if I begin developing a co-dependency. What is your view on that?

I have asked my best friend, she was unaware of how much I was drinking and it felt like a relief to share it and she is very firm. I wasn’t being sarcastic about my toasting, but that has made me see I need proper professional advice.

I’m sorry for being the female equivalent of a male chauvinistic pig. I can see some of my angst I release on you and I’d prefer it if you were not so nice and rather just gave me tough love. It is what I need I think.

I liked what you wrote to Lucie about victimisation. I do feel lately I am being more self pitiful. It makes me angrier with myself and so another cycle continues. So fucking tired of shit!

@Shelbyville,

Firstly you are right I am a self-aware person but why can I not muster enough strength to act on it? What is wrong with my willpower? I see all my stupid mistakes! Do you believe it is wrong to act on your emotions, in truth, I am avoiding therapy because I’ve seen a lot of people come out of it just over aware and everything becomes an over-analysis of each and every decision, I would want enough insight to not ruin future relationships like Tim offers but I wouldn’t want so much knowledge where I assess a person rather than let things happen as they should naturally. I am a bit skeptical about spending so much money on a therapist, at what point do they become a crutch too? I do feel they draw out info slowly and sometimes just want to rehash your childhood? Not everything is rooted in childhood, is it? I was a very confident person before I fell in love, I loved myself and would have often done the rejecting. Maybe it is just karma?

I like the idea of pushing the body to detox, maybe walks will clear my head and have me reaching for water. Maybe I can set goals to work towards that seems like a good idea. Thanks

Also, to both Tim and Shelby what did you do with your mutual ex-friends and ex-family? Delete and block too? Does that help you move on better?

Sucks you had a panic attack @Shelbyville, what is causing it? Is it your ex still or work?

Also soz for us all jumping to conclusions about you having caught feelings, again that selfish hope if Shelby can do it, I can too. It’s amazing how our brains can fill information from the snippet of information we read, the friend you described previously sounded amazing and like a gem, like someone who was always there and cared for you and I thought maybe like Tim mentioned you may have begun to have high expectations, as you mentioned this yourself once too but when you add all the above then it becomes clear he continually lets you down and you don’t want someone like that. Urgh, men! Bet he went flaky when he knew he wasn’t getting some! Probably doing what most men do in the friend zone biding their time.

Your new attitude is totally motivational, go for it even if shit hits the fan, so much of it flying around anyway !!

@Tim you really have been watching the rom coms! “When Harry met Sally” is a classic!!! It is a film that stands the test of time. Every man and woman should watch it, it is basically relationship 101.

I think my anger towards my ex I have been aiming at every other male except him. I know he will be back out there whilst I’m still suffering the after-effects. I’m just angry in general with myself for the years wasted, with my inability to stabilise my fluctuating emotions, I even dream about him, going 1 step forward then what seems like 100 back.

If you want the truth the reason why I am isolating myself is that bar my best friend no one else bothered reaching out once I put my brave face on. I felt like they had been going through the formalities instead of real concern.
It is another pain I did not need, which made me drink more to numb those emotions too. It made me question everything about who I am, my choices, my friends. You spoke of boundaries and it feels shit when for everyone you would do anything and unless you reach out they don’t. I expected the collateral after my ex and I ended so losing his family and mutual friends. What I didn’t expect is I would lose my own. It made me realise who was there and who isn’t. I loved my exes family, you are right I will always have higher expectations, they are no longer mine, and now I don’t even have the energy to be cordial because all I think of is the what-ifs, if he had chosen me like you said I’d be a bridesmaid and that just makes me so sad.  I don’t know. Lately, I’m questioning everything.

I have a new colleague at work and I’ve known her for a few weeks and she has done more for me in that space then some friends I have known for decades. It has really shaken me in the sense I feel were any of my connections authentic, have I been investing time and energy in all the wrong people just like my ex, I feel used and drained.

Some positive though I started to do a run every evening for the past few days as @Shelbyville suggested and so far it is going well, I have cut down on my consumption. I want to tackle it myself for now.

I thought about therapy and it is still not appealing, I think the idea of sitting in front of someone real and releasing my most inner thoughts is a little daunting, I don’t want to feel judged or upset if the therapist raises his/her eyebrow or grimaces.

After reading your feedback and insight made me realise your partner is actually lucky to have a man who wanted to change for the better. Not many men do. all the women in your life are lucky. Good luck with the job interviews, knock them dead! Do you feel pressure to find work in a relationship?

@Lucie

There are many wonderful people on this thread and forum who would gladly help you. You can take all the time you need but know you don’t have to do it alone. If it was scenario 1 then I can only reiterate from my own past the sooner you let go the quicker you will heal. I do not think it is wise to go back into a toxic relationship but if you feel it is something you need to do, then you will. Just think about it logically, try to remove emotions. Will the outcome be the same and set you back and deepen those wounds? If so, do not do that to yourself. Just my advice based on the very little background I have. You can ask me anything at any time. Good luck doll.

@Sammy

Thanks for the good energy, the interviews have gone well, so fingers crossed!

I shall not deny it, I’ve seen them all. “When Harry met Sally” is one of the few which is realistic. What has my life come to? Discussing rom coms over the interweb haha! My dear sister has a lot to answer for, but it helps score points with the ladies.

I think although you are not able to see it right now, you are actually going through a transformation that will make you a more resilient and better version of yourself, often it takes something significant or someone significant to really get you to look inwards and do some soul searching. You had clearly become stagnant in all elements of your life, which includes your ex and all other connections etc. I experienced the same and knew to evolve it meant letting go of deadwood and change is good.

When I tried to kick the gambling and alcohol to the curb, some friends were unsupportive or negative influences. I was a people pleaser, still am to a degree but I have learned to set better boundaries. I let go of people who never helped me become a better individual or made the effort to support me in any form. I may have a smaller circle but it is consists of genuine people who are honest, transparent, caring, and demonstrate reciprocity. I have people in my life who helped build me back up after I took an unimaginable spiral to a very bleak place and it those people I’ll never lose. When I look back now, the whole experience is humbling.

A lot of men I must admit believe they need to be established so a woman is not a burden. Some men also feel very threatened if the woman is highly successful, the ego can come into play. The irony is the men who have achieved greatness throughout history did it with a strong woman by their side. I have matured emotionally, I have developed my EI.

So even though I lost my job, I do not feel it is a worry in regards to my relationship, my current partner has a good career but has never made me feel inadequate, I have had enough therapy to now know not to project pr let my own insecurities play havoc on my relationship. She also has the emotional intelligence and sensed my anxiety when I lost my job, one simple sentence made a significant difference she said:  “It was a minor setback and I am known for my comebacks.” Simple affirmations like that are so important. I now live by the rule those who can not accept me at my lowest, do not deserve me at my best, I let go of a lot of people including my ex and I have evolved into a much better human as a result of my knockbacks and that is what you should focus on Sammy. YOU. It will lead you to become a stronger, wiser, and happier person.

For a long time, I was immature, I thought to feel essential I needed to provide a woman with money, gifts, etc but the right woman (my current partner) wants a man’s time, effort, honesty, and choosing her as a priority. So in return, I do offer that but never at the expense of my own needs, which is why this relationship has felt so much healthier after overcoming the initial fears and doubts. It is balanced. My ex I treated like a queen at the expense of myself, she still left me.

I think you are at a point you can hear this, again just a male point of view, do not need to accept just consider, I’d be interested in all your ladies’ perspective too, challenge me if I’m wrong (@Sammy, @Kkasxo, @Shelbyville )

My current partner demonstrated a lot of compassion when she met me, I was still on my journey, when she realised she was not having her needs met she walked away and although she tells me now she felt awful, she believes it is what made us and I couldn’t agree more.

I did feel abandoned by her she supposedly meant to be different and care. However, therapy made me reassess a lot as previously noted. In turn, it made me want her not need her, I ended up respecting her more for not settling for less so she became even more attractive because she had the foresight to see if she continued to coddle me we would never have got to a place of even footing, which is important to men.

Men have egos unfortunately they are easily threatened, we do have an innate need to be the strong ones/hero in a relationship, so when you have a strong woman who is capable of everything whilst you feel a mess it inadvertently makes us feel inferior if you continue to coddle. My current partner knew what she wanted (non-casual relationship) and knew she deserved more and decided not to accept less. I worked damn hard on myself and got to a point where I felt challenged, I wanted to chase and court her all over again but this time with intent, I wasn’t going to give up without a fight, but I accepted the risk of rejection, I accepted she had control, I accepted if I didn’t end up with her at least she had got me to a place to be better for the next person.

So never keep giving to a man as you did with your ex, if like most men ( boys at this stage is more apt) he is not emotionally developed enough to appreciate and commit to a good woman when he has her, he will still want to keep you around without any commitment but that should tell you he is immature, selfish, has become comfortable, and is taking you for granted. I know it is a good woman’s natural instinct to care and give more but if he is not reciprocating, walk away never let him use, drain and deplete your self-esteem completely and then put the cherry on top by leaving you too. This is a mistake you made, do not make it again.

If you are ever in this position again, leave, if he has any sense he will look inwards and return a better version just as I did for my current partner. If you really love and see something worth fighting for then give him that ONE CHANCE – for boys it takes months to even realise our mistakes let alone work on ourselves. If he hasn’t become that better version never accept less, you gave too many chances doll to your ex after that 6-month break, he proved he wasn’t going to change, you should have left, he did not deserve you and left you questioning your value and worth. Never do that to yourself again. Love yourself enough to walk away if your needs are not met, it doesn’t make you a bad person for loving yourself first. A real developed man will never give up on a good woman who reciprocated. Real men who have a woman who stands by him at his lowest, will always love her, he will never risk losing her. If he does he is a jerk, doesn’t know what he wants, and until he does soul searching he never will and most likely will continue to perpetuate the toxic cycle. THIS IS COMING FROM A MAN!

If you are hearing through the grapevine your ex is dating, let him, I guarantee you he will have not done any work on himself if he is moving on so fast. Men are wired to hunt and have an intrinsic motivation to get better. Take peace in knowing the day will come maybe 5 years from now or at some point in the future, but it will come it always does, he will realise what he lost, he will regret his choices.

Men go into shutdown, we do not admit our regret right away, we ignore these emotions. We do not have the emotional maturity until we have gone on our journey. How long that takes to happen, varies for each individual, some never do, but those who have chosen to grow, it is a given. Why? Because real good women are irreplaceable and hard to come by. There is plenty of fish in the sea but when you are no longer a spring chicken you realise the foolishness in letting go of a woman who offered emotional nourishment etc. you will one day understand the folly of your decision of being selfish, will realise you had the woman who loved you the most before you had found yourself and made it in life, the one who would have stood by your side through everything. You will regret losing this woman because the other women who will love you when you’re at your best may easily say goodbye to you when they see you at your low points (these lows are inevitable). The new woman can easily move on when she sees that you’re not as perfect as she once thought you were. These thoughts flood a mans head and at some point, sooner or later, a man will learn that the purpose of his goals is to contribute back to society, that real relationships are what matters in life, not money, not the career goals and it’s not about taking from those relationships, it is having the humility to be vulnerable and nurturing one with a good woman.

I would like your views ladies @Sammy, @Kkasxo, @Shelbyville…I’m fascinated, many of the female figures in my life have said with women, they tend to be more emotionally mature than men and know what they want. They never regret their decision to walk away from a good man, because for them to leave a good man it takes a lot more than a man to leave a good woman, they really ponder over their decisions but once it is made, they are done and know there is fundamentally something wrong; to quote the women “no attraction, no love, he is not the one.” The only time they will ever come back is when they have been dumped (this is what happened with my ex) and need an ego boost from someone they think will still be pining and wanting to do anything for them, my ex was shocked when she learned I no longer did. My current partner even said she had no regret, felt awful to split up initially as it went against her natural instincts to nurture but she knew she deserved the best so never looked back and effectively kept dating and living. When the moment presented itself she gave me a chance because she always knew I was a good man, felt there was a strong connection, and could see I had just needed time to grow. Otherwise, women never look back. Is this true?

I think you are a very smart individual, Sammy, I do not think it is necessary for you to go to therapy and you have a lot of reservations which means you will probably construct further walls when in a sesssion. So considering you have a person at hand who you trust with a psychology background (best friend) and this forum to give you insights from our anecdotal evidence/experience. A great way to turn your anger into positive energy is to channel it into a project or something you are passionate about. Out of all the emotions, anger is one of the strongest emotions we feel and most useful in heartbreak. If you use it to motivate and drive you forward whilst you are feeling it, it will help you overcome that big hurdle of looking back at your ex and questioning it all. Soon you will be so engrossed in working towards your goal that you will naturally lead to a place of indifference without even realising. When you are there, you will look at yourself, the new environment you have created, the new you and the new circle and only want to bring positive energy to it. You will naturally attract better. All the pain experienced will just be lessons on what to avoid in future relationships and what you need.

I think deep down you already have that self-worth it just got buried under the baggage of holding onto a toxic relationship, you are determined enough and just need that push. That push will not come from alcohol, that push will not come from knowing what your ex is up to, that push will not come from pity. It will come from the anger that you are done from being tired of all the shit, it is there use it. Push forward. Cut all the trash in your life and recentre yourself. You can do this Sammy!

You are very receptive, look how quickly you took on @Shelbyville advice. That shows you want to move forward.

I also have some news I will share with you in a few days time, once I hear back from my job interviews. I will definitely be needing you help ladies @KKasxo, @Shelbyville and @Sammy so watch this space. I hope you can help.

Lucie – stay strong doll. I don’t know too much about PTSD in-depth as it wasn’t a part of my journey, I will ask my therapist the next time I have a session so I can offer you informed advice.

Meanwhile, I’ll tag @KKasxo she may get the notification and be able to offer you some comfort right now.

Some of what you describe sounds very much like panic attacks which I’ve experienced. For them, I can recommend some broad tips but to get control of them you do need to find the root cause of the anxious thoughts.

1) Deep breathing – inhale and exhale deeply to gain some control, mindfulness- download an app

2) Ice – I find placing my hands in freezing water if available causes a shock and the feeling of heart in my throat always settles as focus changes.

3) Grounding yourself is another helpful technique that forces your mind to consider something outside yourself e.g. naming 3 things you can see around you, 2 things you could touch, 1 thing you can smell, etc the sillier the better. Using your senses as distraction.

4) I sometimes lay upside down, the disorientation helps focus my breathing.

There are other non-convential methods but they require money. I hope things get better, maybe time to reach out to a few trusted confidants if not to confide but maybe for financial support, so you can get the professional help you need.

Things do get better, keep up the good fight, the tide will turn.

@Kkasxo, I think you have a better scope on this. Tagging so you may be able to help.