@shelbyville thank you, thank you, thank you! It is so nice to hear from you and I know you said no one’s to blame but I’m definitely sorry if the newbies overtook a safe space for you. Please continue to post, or tell us to shoo! I know when @Kkasxo picks up the notification she will be even more overjoyed. At least something positive has happened.

How are you? Has the time away been good to you? My anxiety has settled a little because after @Kkasxo heartfelt message i was overcome with sadness. You have helped a lot of people on this thread so i hope we can continue to help you.

@Tim tomorrow is my day off I will reply properly to your initial message. Thank you for your help so far especially in tagging. Maybe it’s the man’s touch that was required!! X

@shelbyville

Shall I make another thread so I don’t interrupt yours and @kkasxo communication? I’d still like your input /thoughts though Shelby, you helped calm me in the beginning days.

@Tim,

I find myself reaching for the bottle as comfort more and more, it soothes the emptiness at least when I’m merry there are moments of happiness or maybe ignorance but the cold reality of the situation hits after I get sober and the cycle repeats. I don’t know what to do with my life, I feel so lost. My friends and family think I’m doing amazingly well. The mask is working but remove it and I’m a mess.

It’s been 4.5 months since the last and final break up. I made a pro/con list like you suggested and the encouraging thing was there were definitely more cons. Whereas just thinking about it in my head I tended to focus more on the positive memories. The more I wrote the more I felt the view change to stark facts and not the rose view I had clung to. Writing it with a clear honest mind I see beyond our physical connection and the comforts/familiarity we definitely were not the right fit as you said. I was disappointed time and time again, he was a shit communicator, selfish, emotionally immature/ low Emotional intelligence, I wanted him to be the father of my children but he couldn’t even commit or handle the responsibility of adjusting for the both of us, I even wrote down his grooming habits which peeved me off like using my shaving blade for his privates!! Yet I was so blinded that I had convinced myself he was going to propose but instead he dumped me once more! Definition of FOOL = ME!!

There have been more days of when im not holding onto hope of a reunion anymore, I acknowledge if we did reunite it would be for validation and to try and play out the idealisation I had of him in my head. When that person doesn’t exist. So i find I’m the opposite I have no hope for the future. I’m scared I’ll never find someone. What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship? I’ve never been in it and this experience seems to have scarred me. I feel like I’ll never get to experience that so thoughts of going back to what I had creep in it’s better than nothing?  I don’t know. I don’t know. I go from one extreme to the next. When does it become better? Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?

I don’t know maybe I’m just rambling nonsense and I need to pull myself together and get a grip!

@Shelbyville, it’s a pleasure to have your acquaintance. You were in demand, it seems! Thank you for the compliments on my insight, it is good to know my personal shit show was worth it if it helps others  😉 You offer a lot of sound advice, yet you seem to be stuck after reading your latest post? Anything I can aid with?

@Sammy

I’m no expert but sounds like this isn’t just heartbreak but signs of depression occurring alongside, you need to PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE! You are doing yourself no favours. As Shelbyville mentioned alcohol simply numbs your emotions so you think you have better control but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Trust me, I spiralled into both alcohol and gambling addictions just to get that dopamine hit. Adding another addiction to the one you have for your ex is not the answer, it will prolong your journey. Let all those emotions pass through even if they are confronting/painful. I suggest you consult with your GP and perhaps look into some counseling/therapy. It might be an avenue worth trying because of how you are using alcohol as a crutch. I’d hate for you to spiral or hit rock bottom. It’s been 4 months, I would not be worried about where you are at, everything you are feeling currently is normal especially after 4/5 years together, you definitely are being too self-critical and not acknowledging the small victories and progress. There is no timeline and no universal method to heal from heartbreak, some people do have the ability to get over things quickly because of their own self-belief, faith/religion or because they didn’t actually open up/be fully vulnerable in the first place others like myself/ people on these forums struggle quite often because there are underlying unresolved issues from childhood or poor self-worth, etc. What you should know is with work, growth can occur. You have the ability to steer your life towards success/happiness. I’m an example despite the turns I took that life does get better if you proactively work towards goals or choices which are in your best interest.

“What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship?”

Ah, Sammy, I can see you are low and it saddens me you feel unloved but you are loved by just looking at the family you’ll see they all love you unconditionally for who you are. Just because your ex, one person, didn’t choose you does that now make you unlovable? NO!

In the context of romantic relationships, let me tell you to be able to love openly and selflessly like I’m sure you did hence you felt the loss so deeply requires courage and is such a magical trait, don’t lose it.

In a healthy relationship, you’ll notice the love is the enduring kind that develops over time. When you begin to share your life with someone whom you treasure and who treasures you, you have some shared interests, goals and dreams, you always keep avenues of communication open, compromise, when you hold yourself to the highest standards of moral, ethical, physical and emotional standards because you both bring the best out of each other.

So it is incredible when someone understands you, recognises your quirks and flaws, and loves you even more. When you start admiring and loving your inner-self, then you will realise the difference of loving & being loved.

“What’s it like to feel special? “

I think for men and women it is dependent on their love language how they are made to feel special for example, I like to feel appreciated and expression of affection and love through physical touch and words. I like the odd surprise too.

It is a beautiful feeling when someone reciprocates equally and makes you feel special. If you are special to someone do not lose them. Because it’s a feeling very hard to describe and hard to obtain because a lot of people are fickle and selfish.

You feel special when you share real intimacy, people associate the word intimacy with sex but it is so much more than that. It’s about being open, sincerely wanting to understand, learn from, care for, enjoy, like, and love the person you’re with — for who they are.

Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?

Sammy, after you have been through the wars like us, if you haven’t learned what love should feel like then you need to perhaps go back for another round to know what your ex was offering is definitely not love! I’m not settling, my ex actually came back but I had grown, I walked away. When I ran into a mutual friend, she informed me that at the time my ex reached out to me she had actually just been dumped. Go figure, she thought of me as sloppy seconds still even so by then I had no desire to return. Like I mentioned once chance otherwise it is a path towards self-destruction. So yes, currently things are better with my new partner, she is understanding, communicates, and makes me feel special and loved in ways my ex never could.

Don’t lose hope in a brighter future, it is time, work and making better decisions! So step 1 – ditch the booze.

@tim I will read that link on limerance. I really am thankful but right now I don’t feel brave enough to share my story, trying to speak or write it out is too scary, I try and work on myself by using some wisdom from others experience but I know to really move forward in my life I will need therapy which I can not afford currently.

@shelbyville I followed your thread for a long time and will continue to because @Kkasxo PTSD and your spirals were so relatable and I’m ashamed to admit because I can’t afford therapy, I’d read your tips. How are you coping with anxiety @shelbyville and PTSD @KKasxo?  I suffer terribly with both it can feel so overloading… I feel if you two make progress then it is a ray of hope for me too.

@Shelbyville,

Change?! Although this can be terrifying, I didn’t get that vibe from your post! Maybe a little apprehensive but excited?! I hope it is good change?! I hope it is positive change?

How is work? How is that guy you were seeing that you didn’t really think you were ready to see, but he was lovely? Did anything progress there in the end? How are YOU?

Don’t worry about feeling overwhelmed. It’s a whole (nearly) two years later and I’m still kinda all over the place! Granted not completely down in the gutter & actually living rather than keeping alive but still lost in some sense. That bloody journey eh!

The famous Mr A eh. This has become the most annoying topic of my life to be quite frank haha. Whilst he’s still ‘around’ it’s circumstantial more than anything. I think getting back together was probably the biggest mistake I could’ve done, as I often wonder how I hindered my own progress BUT things were different then, I needed him. I needed him to process everything that I couldn’t fathom on my own. I’m in a different place now, maybe that’s why it’s a lot easier for me to just be like ‘Oh well’

I guess what is life if not a bunch of bad decisions, regrets and what ifs amongst small moments of joy & happiness!

Hi @Sammy,

Lordy, you have really got yourself in a tangle there. I know that feeling too well. Let me remind you even the most difficult knots can be untied or worn away until they disintegrate. By that, I mean whatever is hurting right now will not last. I had no intention to induce tears, I know the expectation of moving forward can be difficult, your nearest and dearest want what is best for you and not to see you suffer but you take your time and work through the feelings at a pace that feels right for you. There is no universal method as I mentioned. You have this forum and also reach out for help if needed with the alcohol. Guidance/support from whomever you trust can keep you heading in the right direction. Better than suffering alone and prolonging your pain.

I’m glad you acknowledge that there is an addiction element occurring in your recovery. Put down that bottle, as hard as those dark and painful thoughts are they need to be faced head-on to move forward. It will destroy you if you allow yourself to numb the feelings. Post on here if you feel you have no one in person to turn to, when you feel you are slipping, one of us can post a friendly but stern warning and motivation to not go there! I used to have a buddy who I would call or text whenever I felt tempted to go back to any 3 of my addictions; ex, alcohol, and gambling. It really worked. It also stops you from feeling so alone. Day by day you muster up enough strength to say NO for yourself, right now you just need a little hand. It is ok to ask for help, it is ok to feel pain from heartbreak. It is no different from having a devastating RTA and needing to recover from several fractured bones. The same happened to your heart, it shattered the shards hit different aspects of you causing pain/wounds to surface. They need to be healed by addressing each issue i.e. self-worth etc. With time and self-love, you will heal, do not give up. Fight for you as you did for that relationship.

Communication helps resolves a lot of our woes, so do not be afraid to talk it out

You asked @shelbyville should you jump into casual dating; from what you said earlier and what you describe you want (a long-lasting, loving relationship) it is of my opinion that this will be the wrong avenue for you to pursue. I did that and it wasn’t good! People got hurt and I only hindered myself further. I’ll explain more below as @shelbyville needs to consider this too.

I could write a whole book to remind you that you are enough, but until you feel it within yourself you will continue to feel inadequate. The mind can be cruel, do not always take its word. Emotional intelligence therapy taught me that we must stop comparing ourselves, as there is only one of us and therefore of course we are enough because no one else can be us. We are unique each holding our own flaws but also many valuable qualities. Everything you have been through play a reverse on it. For example; I felt like a class A fool for returning to my ex; everyone would automatically say that was because I was desperate and needy but alternatively it represented my loyalty and commitment to making something I valued work. Society sets these standards but you should hold yourself to your own set of rules and values and as long as you are doing right by them then you are doing your best.

I want you to think about something, if your ex was the ONE he would have made you feel special, you were missing this element because he did took you for granted or did not give you the merit deserved. Hence why you want to experience it,  YOU WILL FEEL SPECIAL – WHEN THAT PERSON COMES that is someone you DO NOT LET GO OFF! So let go of your ex, let go of that anguish which holds you back. You will immediately recognize the difference of being treated in a special way in future relationships especially since you felt so undervalued in your previous relationship. So just heal and allow yourself to get to a stage when that person does walk into your life, you are ready to grab it and not let fear destroy it (again I had to take the long road to realise this too – see what a mess I was, but the work I did on myself, made me stronger and I got there 🙂 )

@Shelbyville

I have noticed my advice seems to be helpful and I am glad it is relatable, my journey was literally from hell and back. Now I’m a male so some of my advice may be blunt/logical and less comforting nonetheless it is said with greatest of respect for each person’s journey and to offer a perspective from someone who has been through the cesspit.

I had a read of your post above and picked up on a few things, feel free to dismiss my view/thoughts but I recognised my own behaviours in some of what you said.

Flashback!!! I struggled with seeing the hard truths in relation to my ex, I struggled to generate anger for a person I loved with all my heart but boy is this stage so vital in recovery.

Can I tell you how lucky you are that you didn’t have to witness the gut-wrenching moment of your ex moving on, in person!! Thank the powers to be you were saved that at least. I remember the first time I bumped into the ex who was so adamant she wanted to focus on her career and didn’t want the responsibility of being in a relationship yet there she was supposedly moving on with someone else, it was a tsunami of emotions. I felt jealous, I felt betrayed, I felt like a fool for investing so much of myself with someone who never really loved me or respected me enough to say YOU ARE NOT THE ONE but instead continued to enjoy the perks I provided, I felt I had received a hefty punch from Mike Tyson himself which left me so winded. On top of this, I still couldn’t bring myself to ignore her/be impolite when deep down I had my inner self scream YOU BITCH, thank you for almost ruining my life completely and wasting my time and hopping straight into another mans arm. At one point after the initial shock wore off over the coming week, I even for a moment convinced myself she would rebound and return but deep down I knew this was detrimental to my own emotional health because we had tried several times and she dumped me each time and I no longer wanted to deprive myself of feeling content because of her and actually did want to be in a healthy, loving relationship where I FELT loved. This type of revelation can be another major blow to our self-esteem and mental health. So just some pointers do not compare or criticise yourself, have a positive outlook, and acknowledge you have actually just been saved years of more turmoil from someone who couldn’t see your value and love you in the way you deserve. It is a blessing!

I’m not ashamed to admit I am a very romantic man and those rom coms my sister forced me to watch in my youthful years have a lot to answer for. I always want everyone happy, which is a trait you appear to exhibit from reading your posts (people pleaser). It was when I started to realise “Happy ever after doesn’t exist” that I began to actually understand what love is. So do not worry about giving that ending to everyone because it isn’t realistic and you don’t owe anyone anything! If they have that expectation it is on them to figure out do not add undue pressure onto yourself. It is your journey and one thing which you should be proud of is that you are growing and undergoing work to progress. This should make you happy as you are working towards being a better human. Not many have the drive to work on themselves and simply blame others for their issues. Kudos to you!

This is a world where no matter how much is given to us, we can never be satiated, we will always feel there’s more and want more. Those who are able to get into stable relationships have the basic understanding that it requires; communication, empathy, compromise, and focusing on gratitude. Sammy mentioned I was settling (no offense taken whatsoever), however, with experience you learn to manage your own expectations and empathise more with your partner, there can never be a relationship without any disagreement, the one that’s all smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses. You learn not to take things for granted. When life throws you lemons, at times your partner will let you down, but you will pick up the slack on that occasion and vice versa. It’s a fine art of balance from two people who have committed themselves to their love for one another. So no happy ever afters just a commitment and you try and uphold that even when shit hits the fan.

I couldn’t fathom reading 100+ pages (sorry) but I was curious to see what was causing everyone to feel they had caused you to leave this thread, which is where I picked up on a few other things. So when Kkasxo asked about the guy you dated and stopped because you were not ready, I was intrigued. After reading your above response and what you had written a few pages back I instantly recognized a few patterns of behavior in your reply, so I thought I’d give you an insight/food for thought based on the previous descriptions you wrote of the said friend (at least I think it is that one, haven’t read all of the thread!)

It reads to me as if you are convincing yourself of the decision of being just friends. You know your circumstances, however without knowing the exact background but from my own experience, I sense they may have been a little to and fro between you, the indecision from your end (due to ex baggage) resulted in your male “friend” flaking, but quite often it isn’t them as I said in a previous post to Sammy, it is us running due to FEAR. I wrote in more detail about my self-sabotaging, you would have thought after the pain of the heartbreak, the universe would go easier on me! Jesus! The road was tough but I will not elaborate too much you can go back and read it.

Just remember having doubt or anxious feelings is a normal response to change, it usually stems from fear and your own doubts about yourself. I thought my current partner was amazing when I met her but my brain started to compare, transference occurred and I convinced myself out of fear she can’t be right for me, so I acted like a turd and in the same breath, I felt deeply hurt and abandoned when she said she could not continue as we were, she recognised I needed to work on myself. Rather than acknowledging her as a strong woman, who had enough self-respect, self-love to walk away with compassion even though she had feelings, I began to applaud myself for my self-fulfilling prophecy and being right about her walking away from me or using it as an excuse to disguise the pain and loss I was actually experiencing. With time, so more pricey therapy and reflection on the connection, etc. I pulled myself together and went after her determined even if it meant rejection. Her feelings were true, finally, some luck for me, even after that space, she knew we shared a real connection (the older you are the more you realise how hard it is to find that!)  took a punt and so far fingers crossed it is going swimmingly.

So it can pay to take a good look at yourself first when it comes to doubts. It might be your own behaviour towards your potential partner that you are projecting. When I look back I still think fuck what was I thinking? I actually probably didn’t deserve a second chance but I went for it, because what is life if you don’t shoot all your shots and accept the outcome. My therapist said this was actual progress, facing your fears and being vulnerable in ways you are afraid to after past “failures” ( I call them lessons now or joke to my therapist all these events were intense growing pains you get like a child. I was growing into a stronger person just took me longer than most but I got there!)

Interestingly you wrote lines have been drawn, by whom? You or your friend? Are you really ok, you may well be but I said I was going to give you my experience in case there is anything you can take away. It reminded me of myself trying to convince myself I was fine. Usually, it’s a lack of communication that tends to be the true issue in these things, did you mention your surfacing feelings over the past few months and confront them with your friend or are you hiding them from your friend out of fear because lines have been drawn and he could now possibly reject you? Remember though the line between friends and lovers is very thin.

I ask you this as a neutral reader because I know what it is like to have regrets and project when you have been hurt in the past. Reading your past posts the descriptions you wrote about this very close friend (I think it is this one?) were very gushing and indicate feelings brewing pre quarantine to a neutral reader, and although you may be blaming quarantine for amplifying the feelings out of boredom perhaps it was just time, and they are real and have grown? Like KKasxo /questioned you were not ready initially and now you feel it is too late…

All this is just food for thought because I also noticed you are dating 2 people for distraction, a distraction from what? You are running from something because if you wanted a stable relationship you wouldn’t state they are distractions, could it be you are actually still unavailable because of your ex? Or are there conflicting feelings you may be suppressing for this new friend? Being friend-zoned is tough, I posted on another thread about this you may want a read of that.

Either way, my experience, and advice are encounters for distraction never fill any voids, it will affect your own progression and you can convince yourself that the other person is aware that it is casual but the other person could easily end up developing feelings that is another headache you do not need if you do not want to be vulnerable for a real relationship. You only have to read my story to know I was a POS who hurt a few women before I found a strong woman who put me in my place by walking away until I fixed up.

Being unavailable is our responsibility and we shouldn’t toy with others feelings to make ourselves feel better . Don’t make my mistakes, because if you are a decent human being, eventually the guilt will overcome you, the sleepless nights when someone good gets caught in the crossfire all because of our own issues is not worth it for a momentary pick me up. It just feeds the cycle of toxicity and results in self disgust and exacerbates our already low self-worth. I know most women think us men are jerks but same applies to us, we are not void of emotions we hurt too when used, we feel pain too and I’m the only male voice on here so I want to put it out there don’t do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.

I also feel a lot of FEAR is playing into your job worries. Doubts? Ride the wave of change, change is not always as daunting as you think. If you land an opportunity, grasp it because I have become redundant, but stay positive, with the correct mental support in place you will make it through. It is a lot, people are feeling dejected and hopeless because of the uncertainty but we are all in the same boat so do not let this worry add to the anxiety you feel and stop the work in progress.

@Lucie

You sound as if you have had a very tough experience, I want to say if you wish to talk this is a safe, non-judgmental community that can help. I have had a lot of therapy so if you need free tips or even cheekily to ask my therapist hypotheticals, I will be more than happy to help. However, to really overcome deep-rooted issues, you may still need professional help and I hope you can find avenues through charities or your GP? Where are you based? There is a website called SupportIV which offers 1-hour free therapy, you may wish to post anonymously there to see if it helps. It is a group session but sometimes you get lucky and find a 1-1 session. There are a few more if you google them too. We can only provide help based on our own experiences and hope it will help someone enduring something similar.

@KKasxo

I would hate to leave any lady out, although it seems you have a good handle of things currently, you seem very resilient given the snippet of posts I’ve read and have taken strides to adapt to your life sentence (PTSD). If you ever need a male perspective on this infamous Mr. A, do drop a message, happy to help. I feel giving back will help others and atone me for my sins haha! A man can hope!

@KKasxo thanks so much for replying, I do feel like a broken or damaged person seeing a way out is difficult, some days the PTSD alongside the anxiety makes life feel like it is strangling me and I’m gasping for breath, I think these are panic attacks? Sometimes I do think would it be better to just end it here but I can’t let him win. I can’t. Not when all I wanted was to have someone who loved me.

I’ve been suffering for while now, did you find therapy was a big role in getting to a stable place? I suffer so bad with sleep paralysis along with the trauma that haunts me throughout the day and I’m frightened to even sleep.

I do hope it gets a little easier, I don’t know how much more I can take. Its good to read you have made improvement.

Do the flashbacks become less real or are they just as sharp but spaced out?

@shelbyville do you still take medication for anxiety? Does it help with the darker thoughts. any free webinars or online people you can recommend to follow to help ? I live alone, no real support as I left home when i was 16, I have one bestie who earlier months was my saviour but she has her own issues now with a complicated pregnancy etc and not being able to help her back because I’m still caught in my storms hurts so much that I pushed her away.

@Tim i couldn’t ask you to do that, you pay for your therapy to help you. Thanks so much. I will look at Support IV

Tim our circumstances are so different but you seem the furthest through your journey and so wise, if someone hurt you can you really trust or be close to someone again? Is normal to want to return to with someone that hurt you?