Hey @Sammy

Thanks for your kindness in saying I am insightful. I am glad my and others’ perspectives helped you.

Significant dates are always hard. In the last 10 days I have had the anniversary of meeting my ex, her birthday yesterday and tomorrow will be the anniversary of us becoming “official”. I have been really sad on and off, thinking about the could have beens but are nots. Getting frustrated at myself that I am ruminating about old memories and giving her headspace. Still, there is some progress to celebrate; yesterday I wished her a happy birthday publicly on Facebook (Because she wished me on my birthday I felt I should return the favour) but otherwise did not attempt to contact her. A few months ago I would have used it as an excuse to meet up with her despite knowing it would make me feel bad. Now I would not meet up with her, even if she suggested it. I can see what I am holding onto is the hope of re-experiencing the intoxicating feeling I had when I fell in love with her, nothing more. Still, it’s hard. I have no real advice for you except to say, try to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge and label what you are feeling, and trust that even if it feels uncomfortable it will pass with time. You (and I!) just have to make the space for it. All the best. xx

Hi Sammy,

I empathise with your situation. Previously I posted how much reading this thread took me back to my very own experience. That’s what it was an experience, I no longer dwell on it, it was a road I had to take to get me to where I am today. I’m a much better person and stronger as a result. You too will make it out. It just takes time and willpower.

1)Do men miss women/do dates carry significance for them?
Do not be fooled by the misconception of men being devoid of emotions. In general, at first most men go into denial, compartmentalise and carry on but shortly after it hits them incredibly hard, some like myself lose themselves. So let me reassure you even a brief encounter as long as there was any genuine connection formed then he too will be thinking about you especially on anniversaries/with any associated memories and I’m sure he will be missing you but this doesn’t mean he wants to be with you. For that to happen a person has to make the effort to change and convey this through action. This applies to both genders.

2) How to move on?

I will not dictate to you what you should and shouldn’t do. That is your choice and decision to make, if you want to go back into that relationship you will make that choice and if your self worth is low you most likely will despite knowing the relationship was unfulfilling and unhealthy. The outcome will be the same.

I hit rock bottom unfortunately to see the light. There will come a point when you grow weary, you’ll catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and question what you have become, why you let someome who doesn’t even value and love you in the same way because if they did then all this pain would not exist. You gave so much control over your mind to this person, that you lost yourself and spiralled. And finally surrender for your own good. If you have good self esteem and love for your sanity. It will come much quicker. In the end I walked away for good . If you are determined to walk away then here are some tips:

Firstly you need to learn to separate the emotions. Think logically. Sex is a drug, it deceives and fools people, both men and women, so I would advise against using that as a reason to return, I say this as a man with strong desires, the short term thrill of the physical connection will be great but when your partner has not changed and still unable to fulfill those same needs which caused the issues to begin with then you’ll find yourself in that toxic cycle once again as your needs seep out remaining unfulfilled. It is not worth putting yourself in that situation for the short buzz of the physical connection you once shared.

One chance and walk away for good. This is my number one rule now, if your partner has been given this and doesn’t grow then that should be a warning sign informing you this person is actually selfish and can not handle the responsibilities of a relationship. If you chose to have a relationship, then you must take the needs of your partner into consideration. So your choices consequently need to change and adapt, an example would be when deciding on a significant purchase, you look at how this decision will impact your significant other, your future together etc. If your partner isn’t doing this and flaky, then this behaviour is engrained and very hard to change.

I have learned if a relationship doesn’t progress after the initial honeymoon phase of 6-12 months, it is probably because someone isn’t willing or able to be vulnerable emotionally to take the big leap and risk to opening up and moving into deeper territory. They don’t see you as the one because if they did trust me they would fight for it.

When I read your questions I knew right away you were asking the wrong questions. To really move on, the focus shifts onto yourself. What do I deserve? You should no longer be focusing on him, what he may be doing, thinking etc. You need to love yourself. If you don’t you will be your own downfall.

I suffered a mental breakdown, an alcoholic and gambling addiction and without a strong support network and therapy would have most likely not be around to tell this story.

So don’t spend your day drinking yourself into oblivion for a man who wouldn’t do the same for you 😉 Your body and mind are precious, one day the right man will appreciate and love you entirety. That is someone worth dedicating to.

Have a glass of wine or chug a beer today. But do not use it as a crutch. Celebrate the years you have chosen to not waste and ahead of you that you have to find someone who loves you completely.

One of the truest signs of self-love is when you love yourself enough to walk away for good from things that are not healthy for you. If their energy is not aligned with yours, if they are not giving you the love that you need, then it’s time to walk away. You will find yourself again. I assure you whether you remain single or enter a new relationship, you’ll be a much better and stronger person for having overcome this rather than trying to retrieve it.

Tim

Anytime, Sammy, I’m happy to offer any advice I can on this forum to help others avoid the pain I had to face.

Well done on winning a few battles there; not using the alcohol as a crutch, not letting the date overwhelm you to the point you hop back on the bus leading to nowhere new and most of all reaching those stark realisations.

After being with someone for a period of time, it is natural to feel that void and miss them. Those of us who give our full energy to the relationship find it harder to re-adapt I think.  I think this is because partly we had begun to envisage a reality which we so badly craved but in essence did not exist. To try and come to terms with the non-rose-tinted view is a shock to our system. Questions begin to swirl, was it all a lie? why wasn’t I enough etc ..trying to answer these will just leave you in a worse state.

You just need to find your new normal much like we are now post lockdown. Humans are survivors. Time keeps moving and you can sit back and drive yourself insane and waste years or take it by reins and control the one thing you can – your mindset.

To move forward, I suggest you grieve the loss and accept that the relationship is over. Take a good amount of time to be by yourself, rediscover you. With on/off relationships your self-esteem takes a hammering so take the time to be confident in yourself again.  No matter how hard you tried it was never going to be the right fit for yourself. It doesn’t mean you can’t find another one that will be.

I will be real with you, I went off the rails, jumped into dating to fill a void, I perpetuated the toxic relationship pattern and I felt sick for doing so and hurting a few women. I had enough empathy left and my conscience made me realise what I was doing was hurtful for everyone involved so I sought therapy again and rectified those mistakes and I’m lucky those women are in good relationships now and we are still acquainted. One of those women is my current relationship. So until you are fully over the ex and ready to risk being vulnerable and face rejection, my advice is to steer clear of relationships.

I being a male, probably can not relate to the intimacy concerns in an exact way. However, fears are normal especially after having your heartbroken by the very person you were entirely vulnerable with.  The therapy I received was great and once I had decided I wanted to dip my feet in the pool again and be fully open and willing to face rejection or face another heartbreak because I had equipped myself with the tools or mechanisms to cope. The first heartbreak is the hardest as you have no idea of the pain you will feel but subsequently it makes you stronger.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the fear of being emotionally or physically close to another individual. This is where it comes down to a bit of luck and your ability to overcome your fears. The woman I’m with now didn’t make me feel like an asshole, she understood I had been through the wars, understood me and gave me the space to recover. I knew if she slipped through my fingers, I would have been the biggest fool, so the chance she gave me after therapy I changed my outlook and now it is going well. We met each others friends recently and it reassured me that a good healthy relationship is possible as long as you communicate.

Before the last round of therapy, I made the mistake of comparing and transference. It is when you start to compare, your fear takes over and you act out. You will end up sabotaging something with potential the moment you do that, I can guarantee you will convince yourself your ex was better because you are not allowing yourself to experience a relationship in the same way you did with your ex, especially if it was your ex was your first real relationship. You are also on the lookout for any flaw which will reaffirm your ex was the best. This is dangerous as unless you open your heart again and be willing to assess an individual on their own unique merits by giving it the time to flourish naturally, you will screw up relationship after relationship and lose out on your own potential happiness. Like intimacy, for example, on my first few dates with my current partner, I had all these expectations, partly being a male but I didn’t realise how unfair I was being, the things I loved about my ex took months to develop and to expect that right away from someone new was immature and I had not completely grown, even transference was occurring when I though my current partner was going to do something the ex did but in reality, they are doing nothing at all and when I discussed this with my current partner after we reunited she was so understanding. It was all FEAR. I almost ruined this relationship by not giving it a real chance.

The physical intimacy, do not worry about when you have a partner who meets your emotional needs and is understanding that part will happen. You will not be loner, learn from the experience but do not let it control your mindset. Take time out, work on other goals, when you re-enter the dating arena be ready to go in open-hearted, confident and leave the past where it belongs so you can give the person in front of you a real chance.

Tim

Sammy, you sound a little merry from reading your reply! Slow down. You are trying to rush through the process, when you do that you will not heal sufficiently.

To go cold turkey without the right support when cutting out an addiction is risky. In most cases, you return back to where you started. Prepare a plan or goal. Do you intend to quit forever or do you just want to reduce the amount to a healthy level? Inform people around you so they help, try and reduce your units first by reducing the amount you consume at home then consider social environments. Then it boils down to company and influences; if you want to quit entirely then who you associate with has a huge influence. If you have a circle that will encourage you and not respect your choice then continuing to associate with negativity like that will draw you back in unless you also give up these connections. I quit entirely because for me alcohol was more of a crutch to deal with my social, performance anxiety, and numbed my emotions. In context of relationships, you see with my ex I needed the dutch courage to be extremely physically intimate, and even in my flings after. I have always had a strong need for physical connection but I struggled to feel the emotions and confidence, the alcohol was a poor substitute for true intimacy. It wasn’t until I went sober and worked on my self-esteem and met my current partner who is just a social drinker and I felt this strange sense of security as I could be myself, be present because we both were being vulnerable with one another. The intimacy is great sober; I no longer rely on alcohol to take risks or retain control of my emotions. There’s a freedom in discovering your desires and manifesting what your body is capable of on its own without relying on alcohol and feeling self-conscious.

Therapy has enabled me to see that emotions are meant to be expressed not suppressed. Understanding why you feel something, labeling it, and tackling it is so much healthier and requires strength. Anyone who tells you otherwise is immature, underdeveloped as a person. The ability to form or have emotional understanding is one important aspect of emotional development and an incredibly critical life skill. That may also be something you want to work on because it will make handling situations like this easier. High Emotional Intelligence is a rare trait to possess naturally according to my therapist, but something which should be aspired to as it leads to stronger connections and can be built on. For example, my ex lacked self-awareness, didn’t have the EI but didn’t want to do the work so she lacked the sensitivity, she couldn’t automatically sense, through active awareness and empathy, the shifts in the dynamics of our relationship that required a need for action to allow me to feel more secure so although I loved her a lot she couldn’t fulfill those deep needs. At the time I thought it was the best love ever, I wouldn’t experience anything greater again. However, with growth it became apparent the kind of love we all dream of—deep intimacy, mutual kindness, real commitment, soulful caring comes from having empathy and high emotional intelligence to be able to assess the situation and adapt.

Do you need therapy? That I can’t answer. Therapy has changed my life but it is highly dependent on how motivated you are, the rapport you establish, and what you seek. My therapist was very forthcoming with the truths and didn’t soften the blows which ultimately helped me to become a better person. I have developed the skills now to be more self-sufficient and have suitable coping mechanisms. There are many people who do not want growth and carry on with their lives and allow time to do its thing in terms of healing but remain stagnant in terms of emotional growth. There are some individuals who have the ability to reflect and the mental strength to self assess and nurture the change and heal by themselves and grow from the lessons without therapy ( I envy these people lol). So it depends on the type of person you are, you should never feel a sense of shame for seeking help. In the end, it all comes down to your own effort as it will be yourself who actually makes the movement and implements the change to get the wheels in motion to move you towards healthier choices.

I think your self worth is kicking in as you recognise what YOU deserve. It is completely common to feel lonely, but you need to sit through it and feel content with being alone before seeking a serious relationship as the relationship will never fill the void. No offense taken, I wasn’t very kind to the women like I was with my ex, I had begun to think because my ex rejected me I had to change certain qualities which made me the “nice guy” so instead of working on my own boundaries I went the opposite way I strung them along and I used them without giving anything in return. I felt uneasy but carried on doing it until I met my current partner, she was different, we connected and somehow she saw something in me but called me out on my behavior with compassion. I was an idiot and had to lose her to realise but that made me return to therapy to fix up and face some further hard truths. I learnt with space, I had someone who understood me, who accepted me and I had made a massive mistake and let go of a good woman. That’s a whole different story but thankfully I realised in time. I reached out and apologised to the other women I hurt and they too were gracious enough to assuage my guilt. Although with my ex whom I had given everything and tried my hardest, along the way I was a prick too, but you live and learn. To be with someone who accepts the weaknesses and flaws is a nice feeling.

We all have baggage, it’s how we carry and deal with it that establishes what and who we become. Do not let it weigh you down Dump the baggage which belongs to the past, grab a new bag for your new journey ahead! Hope this helps you. It will get better!

Hi Sammy,

I did not receive a notification and have only just read your message. Do not be so critical, but be aware enough to know where it could lead if you do not keep things under control. In heartbreak, there is no universal method of overcoming it, each individual reacts differently. I remember at the time  I read an article about limerance, how for some letting go and moving on is so difficult that it isn’t just heartbreak but more pathological and should be classed as a mental disorder. This was enough to shake me up and want to put forth the effort to grow because I could tell I was desperately clinging on, trying to think of ways to rectify it or make something work which when looking at objectively and removing the emotions, it was not the right fit for me. I was scared I was going to become obsessive after reading that article, so I got more therapy. For me, it helped rectify the issues which were causing me to think in those ways. This was by working on my own self worth mainly, not looking for validation from my ex and developing coping mechanisms.

For you, you seem like you have a smart head on your shoulders and you may just have loved him dearly to the point those emotions blinded you to the truths. When we have good self-worth, are strong and courageous even if we love the person, in the end, we still walk away for ourselves, we acknowledge even with the extra effort our needs are not met and we deserve to have a healthy balanced relationship but when we are lacking this within us it is when we can’t let go. After my ex had selfishly accomplished her dreams or goals she found like most the grass was not greener and ended up after 2 years trying to get back together. I had done the work on myself and realised my needs and worth. In the end, I was the real winner, I had opened my heart to love, it had hurt me but I had grown so much and learned not to repeat those mistakes.

Just try to write a list to see if you can distinguish which it is. When looking at the cons if it isn’t reassuring you that you are better off and deserve more, then maybe you need to see a therapist, see if deeper issues are causing you to desperately want to retrieve?

How long has it been? You may just be rushing and not allowing time to heal too. Although my best friend thinks the whole ordeal of heartbreak ends the moment you want it to, the control is within us. Just have to say enough is enough and power forward through any stumbling blocks. He is right, I reached a stage I was tired of feeling crap, low and sad about someone who I knew was off living her best life without any care in the world for the trail of destruction she had left behind. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself, but for some of us, it takes guidance and support to rebuild that confidence but I took the steps without looking back.

My new partner is amazing, I do value her as she deserves now, I’m lucky to have someone who was willing to work with me to grow. She often also says she is lucky to have me although sometimes those thoughts of why creep in, I’m running with it, and day by day I feel happier because I see she genuinely is just as happy and shows her appreciation. It will happen for you too, it’s actually a good thing you have chosen to work on yourself first before jumping into something new to try and fill a void. That would be a step backward as for a short while it will be fun but once again you’ll hit those same unresolved issues and you could end up sabotaging a potentially good relationship with someone new (like me)

We try to hold on to hope, and that holds us back. Don’t hold back anymore and move on. You deserve more. You deserve the best. Believe that. We all deserve someone who feels lucky to have us as their partner. Nothing less than that.

Tim

@Kkasxo my heart felt heavy reading your message. When I came back onto this thread I too had hoped @shelbyville was back because I really connected with her story and advice too. I’m so sorry as I feel some how responsible for being the catalyst to the fallout. I would love to connect with you if you need someone to talk to and we can keep tagging Shelby to hopefully make her return. @Tim has been giving me advice on here but I can shift onto another thread if you want instead.

I know you both had a special connection all i  can do to try and rectify my mistake is keep tagging and hope she comes back.

@shelbyville if you are reading @kkasxo misses you! Please return to give sage advice or let us know you are well.

@kkasxo I’m really sorry 🙁

@Tim thanks, I’ll reply properly soon but feel really bad at the moment.

@Sammy

From my understanding @shelbyville the original author of this thread is missed? I suggest you keep tagging and she may pick up on a notification. Happy to help. I don’t think you should be feeling guilt?? I’m oblivious to what has happened on this forum, however as far as I know it is an open forum so you are able to comment on any thread?

@Kkasxo anything I can help with? I regularly post on here. Happy for you to bend my ear.