@shelbyville I don’t mean this with any hurtful intention but you avoid very good advice on this thread. Good advice can never make you go the wrong way or damage you, it gets you to the place where you are meant to be without the extra blows or pain/damaging yourself. I have noticed advice given about blocking your ex, deleting all contact, all of the things your therapist should have insisted and guided you towards very early on instead of molly coddling you so you can finally let go, you haven’t done.

You should know by now the choices you were making were wrong. We often justify them and say it was a road we must take. No it isn’t a journey needed when someone has advised us there was a less turbulent way out, it is what keeps us in a loop of being on again and off again, a relationship which ultimately leads to a dead end and wasted time, more pain.

A committed relationship where 2 people work is one that needs the exertion you’ve put in. Not an unrequited one where none of your needs were met.

I feel you have stuck with your therapist because the therapist must give you what you want to hear rather than really challenge you. Maybe as @sammy says it’s time to stop , save money as nice as it is to have someone listen to us in the end we have to implement the change and you are equipped to do that just need to put it into action.

Other advice Michelle gave about having a balanced relationship where you give and take in general and with your new guy friend who you yourself said was an immense support etc. you don’t seem to have taken on and when I have challenged you recently after you felt let down by your friend you have ignored answering which makes me think you must have done what I did with Jay.

I’m also really really surprised after a year and half of Michelle supporting you on this thread you also avoided addressing her recent cancer scare and the one she faces right now. Both Sammy and I have addressed in our messages which you have read because you replied to our messages. She doesn’t want sympathy but surely she would have liked to hear something about it from you. I’m not being mean, just observations made and they come from a place of wanting you to be happier because your thread made us get there and I’m pointing a few things out so we can help get you to the same place as those who have moved on and learn to face the reality.

Do you find it hard to deal with constructive criticism? You need to see it as a trigger for change not a way of someone bringing you down. It is someone recognising more value in you. They see more potential in you so own it.

Honestly a balance with being kind to yourself and also hearing the truth is essential. Those who love you I bet would give the exact advice Michelle has because they want the best for you. She is right, the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable or challenges you is often the one that pushes you forward. It is the one that helps overcome and fight the insecurities and fears and leads you to a better future.

So a lot of the reason why you are not healed as much or as quick is because you’re choosing not to follow the hard truths. I actually agree with Sammy and having had therapy too very few give you that real reality check. They mostly just try to explain why you act in a certain way, they lend an ear and do draw things out slowly which is fine but risks you becoming stationary. Often making you too self aware and just question or dissect everything rather than taking things at face value. This is crap in new relationships too as you dissect it apart before it’s even begun rather than allow nature to take its course (I speak from experience)

Only you can fully take reigns of your own life. Once we have all recognised that, that is when we have let go and made better decisions and choices.

A lot of people wouldn’t say the above in fear of causing upset. I feel like I may feel guilty afterwards knowing you are sensitive but I feel you really need to hear it. If you allow it to speak to you and resonate it will be for your own happiness and benefit.

You’re not disappointing anyone. You are an amazing chick. We just want you to give the pain and hurt a middle finger and get you back to your amazing self and moving onwards and upwards

@shelbyville I never once felt ignored by you. Those things I mentioned I had picked up on, I read all 92 pages in Dec when I joined because I was so low and suicidal but your thread saved my life. For that I am ever grateful. You don’t understand how much you all helped turnover the events of my life.  the space of time up to this page you make observations about others I had noticed you had avoided certain things. Maybe some of your ex behaviour rubbed off on you..it happens. I don’t  know.  But your advice has always been helpful. Kind and useful to me. You don’t owe me an explanation either. It is your own choice what you do. I just hope to read you are happy and moved on one day.  Best of luck.

This is your thread with @kkasxo so you don’t need to remove yourself. I will remove myself and post on another thread when I feel low. Thank you for allowing me to rant when I did.

Thanks all for your kind words m ex mother in law passed today all alone in hospital it’s been devastated and no contact from the ex I spent 27 years loving  unconditional y  he can’t even contact me on a day like today       think it’s made me see I need to be the person who looks after me and start to accept my reality and start living my new life

@shelbyville & @kkasxo

Came on to say thank you. Maybe one day you’ll both read this. I have turned my life around thanks to this thread. It made a huge difference in my life. I won’t post too much. I did create another thread and you are welcome to join or comment anytime or follow our journey and see what happened. I hope you found your way through too. I just wanted to say thank you for the safe place to release my anxiety and push me to make tough realisations. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness and strength to overcome your issues. Stay Alert 🙂

Just going to do a quick recap, don’t want to rehash the past on a new thread. So a few days before lockdown began, my ex ended it after 4 years together. We had been on/off several times hitting the same wall..no commitment from his end. The fear of it ending was always there but it still hit me hard and I turned to drink. This thread and my best friend turned it around and I began to see things differently and as a blessing. I just feel now life is beginning to return to normal, I feel very hollow and tempted to hit the bottle again as I don’t know which direction my life is going, I sense a loss of control. It is also approaching our 5th anniversary and I’m scared I will fall backwards because it is always easier to go back then to accept/let go, but I don’t want to be sucked into that again. It was not the right relationship for me. What do I do next? I feel a little lost.

I’m hoping anyone will reply just so I don’t feel so confused.

Thanks anita, I may just do that.

Hey @sammy,

I made a new thread which @Adelaide1 and @michelle contributed on. I only came online to check if @Adelaide had replied and saw this thread. You’re welcome to continue on there as they know your backstory and hopefully they’ll reply, although I will no longer be active on there. @Adelaide1 is usually and may appreciate a different perspective.

I did wonder how you were going which is why before I leave I wanted to reply. I’m in such a healthy and happy relationship now. In Dec last year i was suicidal, lost and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Then I met my angel Jay. It was a rocky road but we are so happy now. I just want to say, you are doing the right thing chick, don’t look back. The more you use your energy to reminisce about your ex the more deeper you’ll sink back. Throw yourself into activities, focus on you, what did you want to do that you couldn’t? Be strong on your own for a bit. Then get back out there. I’ve been there in an on/off again merry go around relationship which lasted many years. In the end it left me broken, I didn’t realise how much it had chipped away at my self esteem by the end and I was a happy go lucky chick even with anxiety before. The wrong relationships leave you feeling unhappy, unworthy and unwanted. So it is natural to keep going back to try and retrieve it as it comfortable, you had been intimate and rose tinted glasses make you focus on the good bits only. Do you really want to go back and have the thought of when will this end again always in your mind? Most likely he will reach out to you mine always did. But it was for selfish reasons he wanted to always enjoy the perks on his terms. Each time we got back it was me who ended up giving more, he never once changed to meet me half way. I knew even if he proposed he may still leave after because the foundations were not strong. They never are in on/off again relationships. You deserve someone who cares, loves you and is just as excited and willing to put in effort to make your relationship work. I never thought that was out there. I almost let my fears sabotage me from being open again but the right relationship full of affection, love, care and respect will make you think why did I waste so many years chasing something so toxic? Don’t get me wrong I still love that man in my own unique way but I no longer feel that need to go back, the opportunity presented itself and do you know how good it felt to realise I had recovered enough self worth to say no. I do not want to entertain another failed reunion. You had your chance, you had one too many but you never stepped up and now I’m stepping up for myself. Even if I wasn’t with Jay this belief still came to me, it took over a year though.

Don’t give up now, I know you are strong. You have the willpower and the brains to see you deserve so much more than someone’s Crumbs. You deserve the whole loaf!

Volunteer, travel, take up a hobby, pursue the things you missed doing when you were together. Don’t look back or you’ll never move forward. All the best chick! Xxxx

@Genie it was so lovely to hear from you. Thank you for the advice, I’m trying to stay motivated. It is incredibly tough. Your story has given me a lift to read and it’s wonderful you are doing so well now. I sincerely appreciate the time you have taken to write back to me. I hope things with your partner and family continue to move in a positive direction. I was hoping to hear from the rest too especially @shelbyville because her experience really spoke to me, but I suspect I’ll never know how their stories ended. I was also going to post on your thread after reading @Adelaide1 and @michelle responses, they both were so insightful. However they too have not logged in for a while! Where and how are you all?

@Tim your contribution, I really sympathise with your experience and would love to engage, especially because it’s a male perspective. I went through something very similar with my ex, I thought towards the end he was going to finally propose. Little did I know the rug was going to pulled out from under me making me crash hard!