Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic has 2,306 replies, 63 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 13, 2018 at 7:29 am #230675

Victoria
Participant

Shelby,

“I do hope you are doing ok today. You seem to be a lot more grounded that you possibly realise, I admire your resilience. ” – thank you, I think im coming across stronger than I am because some days I have to force myself out of the bed, the only reason I haven’t caved and called my ex is because my phones broken and I’m trying to distract myself to avoid feeling lonely or getting in a what-if spiral. My hangover has lifted which is good, I don’t think I have drank so much in my life before! The night was okay but I’ve decided to depart from that group of friends because the guy I had a short fling with (I dont even think I even call it that..probably just two one night stands) was there and they were making a big deal about him getting off with another girl. In all honestly there fuss seemed to convince my brain I cared more than I really did. The only reason I got a bit upset is because he put his friends in this awful position of defending is actions and well, put his friends in an awkward position.

Ive decided now I can think clearly, that everyone in the group only knows me because I hooked up with him and I dont really have anything in common with them. I spend half my night listening to his friends tell me why he didn’t like etc and all I wanted to do was dance! haha I am growing and finally realising when a situation or person is toxic and having the strength to leave even though it may make me have no friends for the short-term and creates anxiety over being uncertain.

“pain and anxiety for me has eased this afternoon” – That’s brilliant! Do you think the anxiety you’ve experienced in the morning has eased? I find that there are some times of the day when I am more susceptible to feeling anxious and ive found once you’ve recognised when those times are you can prepare for them. My anxiety can creep in on an evening when no one else is here so to prepare for that I ensure I’ve eaten or that I close the curtains so my brain doesn’t realise its night time haha

“I feel therapy is really important and more people should avail of it if they can do so. But at the moment I feel that everyone is saying it’ll only take time to heal.” – therapy is rather helpful, but at times depending on where you live/your finances it can take a while to get and you have to be invested in the process. But if you get access to it I would advise going, even just for one session. The only reason I ended up in therapy is because my university offers it but before then I didnt seek help because I felt like I wasn’t anxious or depressed enough – which is silly. Also in the UK we have the NHS who provide 6 weeks of therapy but the waiting list can be really really long which is another reason it is easy to justify not going, because you seek help then feel like you’re just a statistic rather than a human being. If you can afford it, private therapy is the best.

What have you got planned for the rest of the day/tomorrow then?

October 13, 2018 at 7:30 am #230677

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stella/Shelby:

Short term I think it is not a bad thing, long term it is not a good thing, to be stuck in a breakup.

* Dear Victoria: I am not an administrator here but from my experience, it is not possible to delete a post that you make in someone else’s thread. It is possible to delete your own thread. You can click on “Contact” above and send a message to an administrator. As far as I know, most you can do is remove your user name so that “Anonymous” shows instead. I hope you feel better about what you shared there, it is highly unlikely to hurt you. It will soon be part of the massive, massive sharing of so many who posted here, hundreds and hundreds of pages.

anita

October 13, 2018 at 7:44 am #230681

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

Im extremely lucky that the people I surround myself with are true genuine and caring people. Actually I’ve known many of them for most of my life and they are like gold to me. Though our lives have taken us all in different directions, I feel I still have them all and I appreciate them.

I think if you feel you have nothing in common with that group, then that’s a totally legitimate reason to find a new tribe!

Also in relation to your query to Anita about the post, I started this thread and am happy to remove your post if it can be done. I just don’t know how?

I am supposed to be staying at a friends tonight. She as a small baby which is a distraction but she also suffers with severe anxiety herself at times and really gets it.

anita,

Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate your point of view and perspective.

S

October 13, 2018 at 8:01 am #230691

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Stella.

anita

October 13, 2018 at 8:44 am #230699

Victoria
Participant

Anita,

I know but you seem rather active on here so I thought I would just ask. I’m aware my post may even help people its just making me feel vulnerable in an uncomfortable way idk, it could just be the mood I’m in today. Thank you for replying though (:

October 13, 2018 at 8:53 am #230703
Victoria
Participant
Shelby,

Next to our posts at the top in the light gray stripe that has the date and time in it, on the far right on some it says “report reply” and others it says “edit”, if you could edit the post (if it is possible) so it says ”

Shelby, Kkasxo ,

So in terms of my breakup I will go into detail, I have been hesitant because I feel like by talking about it its real if that makes sense (for example, referring to him as an “ex” is weird and hits me with a wave of nostalgia, loss etc all at once).

I broke up with him because I felt like I had become an anxious person and my issues were affecting the relationship to the point where I felt like I was becoming toxic.

The reason I am going through heartbreak is because I feel like I could fight for the relationship if I really tried. I hate that after years of issues that I dont feel like I have the energy in me for such a serious relationship, I need a break.

I didnt want to break up, I wanted a break (maybe 6 months or something) but he either does a relationship or friends.

Could this have been avoided? Yes, if we had communicated properly, But ultimately I feel like the stress of life just made me lose myself and Idk how I went from “lets get married” to “meh” in 6 months. Im devastated because we nearly had our happy ending, he had ordered an engagement ring yet I found that out on the night a few months ago where I broke up with him.

I think i’m healing quicker than I expected because I almost have subconsciously emotionally left the relationship before I ended it.

Currently I keep wanting to call him, go to therapy etc and work things out but I know that I would be doing it because I feel awful for hurting him and I know that if we are reunited then it has to be when I have learnt to live again and after ive worked on myself. But im also questioning the decision every day.

I hope this helps clarify things.”

That would be helpful.

“Im extremely lucky that the people I surround myself with are true genuine and caring people.” – that’s wonderful! (:

“find a new tribe!” – I find that I am someone who has many friends from different walks in life which can at times feel like I dont have any because I’m not part of some big group (I am aware though that thats my inner child worrying though and its irrational).

“I am supposed to be staying at a friends tonight. She as a small baby which is a distraction but she also suffers with severe anxiety herself at times and really gets it.” – a baby will definately be a distraction haha I’m sorry to hear that she also suffers from severe anxiety as well, but at least you can ride the rollercoaster together and understand where each other comes from (:

I’ve tidied my room a bit and just got some food. I’m currently avoiding the kitchen because there’s a big spider hiding somewhere haha In addition to this somehow I have applied to about 20 jobs which I’m proud of myself for being I get a lot of job anxiety but it would help me feel more in independent. I hate living off savings because I every bit of money I spend I can’t earn it back. I’ve even applied to be an elf in a grotto! Which I would genuinely love (:

Btw if you cant edit or remove the post its fine (: It’s not like I’ve said anything on hear I wouldn’t say to anyone in real life.

,

V
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Victoria.
October 13, 2018 at 8:53 am #230705

Anonymous
Guest

* You are welcome, Victoria. I am okay with you asking me. And I understand feeling vulnerable, but I think you are safe here. Post again anytime you want on your own thread and I will be glad to reply.

anita

October 13, 2018 at 9:48 am #230715

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

Oops, sorry I was trying to figure out the edit feature and I hit ‘report’ by accident. Admin can contact me to clarify if they need to!

My apologies, I’m not the most tech savvy, yet another thing I used to leave to my ex!

October 13, 2018 at 10:09 am #230721

Victoria
Participant

Hi Shelby,

haha it’s fine (: I know what you mean, there’s a lot of things that my ex helped me with that are practical/tech related and now I need to find a youtube video or how to video that tells me how to complete a task step-by-step haha

October 13, 2018 at 10:33 am #230729

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

I’m afraid none of the posts on the thread have the edit button on the grey line with the date. I’ve searched all around and can’t find a way of deleting or editing a post, I’m sorry.

S

October 13, 2018 at 10:50 am #230733

Victoria
Participant

Shelby,

ah ok, that’s fine (: I think it was my anxious mind talking, im feeling a bit run down today as well. I’ve slept a lot in the last 24 hours so I have a bit of fatigue (ironically) from sleeping too much.

I think I’ve overwhelmed myself emotionally by talking to my ex, then going out with people I don’t really know and needed to decide are they a good group to be around and then on top of that I tried a new society which caused a bit of social anxiety (which I concurred) but essentially I put myself out of my comfort zone.

I think for the rest of the weekend I’m going to do easy tasks like shopping for food (currently I only have ready-made pancakes in and some bacon) and read a light-hearted novel or something.

I hope you’re having a good time with your friend (:

Btw on the forum its telling me its 10am but in my time zone its 6.49pm. What time of day is it where you are?

October 13, 2018 at 11:11 am #230737

Shelbyville
Participant

You have a lot going on in your mind Victoria, so well done if you can get through a novel! I currently have 6 books waiting to be finished!

I don’t know why the time comes up as early on the posts, it’s the same time where I am as where you are.

Btw, your phone breaking could have been the best thing to happen you this weekend! Sometimes I wonder would it better altogether if the power is taken out of my hands altogether!

Also, you tried a new society? That’s fantastic. I will not do anything new at the moment, I can’t even manage some things I’ve done before even, like going for dinner! However my therapist says the only way to combat fear and anxiety is to keep doing things as you’ve always done. The more I crouch away from things, the bigger the anxiety gets. So he says, the more I face the fear, the smaller it gets a shrinks back.

Fingers crosses! Thinking of Kkasxo at the wedding today, hope she gets through it ok and kudos to her for getting the courage to go.

October 13, 2018 at 1:27 pm #230747

Victoria
Participant

Hi Shelby,

Sorry for the late reply I watched a film I bought a week ago to distract me that has sat on the side, it distracted me but now I’m back to wondering how my ex got on over the past few days. Did he have a good night out with friends? Is he feeling any better? I can’t not care. He’s off to his parents, who I haven’t talked to because I’m avoiding it. On one hand I feel like I should be responsible and apologise for breaking up with their son, on the other hand its a private matter. Any thoughts/advice for that?

“well done if you can get through a novel! I currently have 6 books waiting to be finished!” – I found that I started filling the empty void in my soul by buying books, in the last three weeks I have accumulated 10 books that I haven’t actually started to read. I adore going around charity shops as it gives me a purpose and gets me out the house. However, its too easy to buy stuff I never needed (like a tray that has a cat lying in a hammock on it) – I need to be watching my budget, but i’ve been kinder to myself until I feel okay (for example I missed a few lectures on thursday and felt awful about it, but instead of letting my mind overthink about it I just told myself what I would tell a friend “youll catch up at the weekend its fine”).

“I don’t know why the time comes up as early on the posts, it’s the same time where I am as where you are.” – ah good good.

“Btw, your phone breaking could have been the best thing to happen you this weekend! Sometimes I wonder would it better altogether if the power is taken out of my hands altogether!” – yeah its definitely helped. However, I have been weak to social media (may or may not have checked my exs fb or instagram more than I care to admit – even though I know he barely uses it).

“Also, you tried a new society? That’s fantastic. I will not do anything new at the moment, I can’t even manage some things I’ve done before even, like going for dinner! However my therapist says the only way to combat fear and anxiety is to keep doing things as you’ve always done. The more I crouch away from things, the bigger the anxiety gets. So he says, the more I face the fear, the smaller it gets a shrinks back.” – I agree with that. The more of your fears that you can face the more free you will feel (I have found that it works well if you have a therapist though as you can tackle things then have someone to vent to about it). So I agree with your therapist (: I spent a lot of my first year in my own head, avoiding people and scared of rejection, but also scared of being accepted (a strange mix I know). I have promised myself that this year I will join one new society.

“Fingers crosses! Thinking of Kkasxo at the wedding today, hope she gets through it ok and kudos to her for getting the courage to go.” – same, I hope her next update is telling us she had fun and really enjoyed it.

I love how we are all so invested in each other and cheer each other on (: It’s wonderful.

I keep seeing so much negativity online that this website has been such a lovely place to come to.

– V

October 13, 2018 at 2:21 pm #230751

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

Regarding his family, I understand the sense of responsibility you feel. My ex’s mum was like a mum to me too and I miss them all. However, neither he or his family are your concern now. Of course you’ll be concerned, but you have made the decision that’s best for everyone and now, it’s best to step away and let them support him.

At the end of the day, my ex is a lovely guy and my family thought the world of him, but if he approached them now to explain, I think they’d knock his head off. Just because their sister/daughter is in pain because of him. So I feel it’s best to leave them be now.

I wish I could find joy in things like strolling through charity shops, nothing gives me joy at the moment. Music was my passion but I can’t go near it at the moment.

You’re absolutely right about this forum. The internet can be a tough place nowadays, but this forum is a breath of fresh air and really has kept me going through this trying time. I feel that when people experience pain in somewhat similar ways, it creates an understanding that you might not get with others who can’t empathise.

October 13, 2018 at 2:59 pm #230759

Kkasxo
Participant

Hi ladies,

I’ll be sure to catch up properly on all your posts upon my return! We enjoyed a pre wedding meal & cocktails tonight and all went all. I must say I even managed to get distracted completely from the thought of him for a little while.. and then the image of all the happy couples kicked in and I began to miss him terribly.. we were supposed to be here together! I’m so angry and hurt at that. He was supposed to be here with me but instead he’s away with his friends doing God knows what!

I’ve had a few friends mention him in normal conversation.. I smiled and swiftly moved past the subject! This is absolutely heartbreaking!

Honestly, i’m not sure this will ever get easier.. I want nothing more than to have him back by my side.
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