Dear Shelbyville:

The anxiety you described, the anxiety you experience again following this second breakup with him, that, I believe, happens because the breakup with him triggers the very scary early childhood experience of being alone. We don’t remember how we felt as babies, or toddlers, very young children. But this feeling you describe, this “frightening fear of being left alone in a room at any time”, the desire to “handcuff yourself to (your) sister’s wrist”, this is an early, early fear of being left alone, abandoned.

Any such thing discussed in your therapy/ any knowledge of such early experience in your young life?

anita

Hi Shelbyville,

I just wanted to say I too am struggling post break up. He was and still is someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I’m struggling to focus on anything else but wanting him back. It’s been about two months now although we have been in contact since.. It’s my birthday today and would’ve been our anniversary in the next couple of days so it’s a particularly hard time for me and I can’t seem to get myself together!

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I really do hope that it gets better for us both..

Dear Shelbyville:

I changed my mind regarding asking you questions, I don’t think this is the time.

Clearly you were and are emotionally attached to him. It is painful to separate from the object of our attachment. There is a feeling of safety in attachment and a feeling of danger when separated.

Breakups happen as you know every day and people survive it. It only feels dangerous, but it is not dangerous. Like millions of other people this very day, you too will survive a breakup, you too will be okay.

Be good to yourself, kind and gentle with yourself as you proceed, as you move forward through this difficult time. Things like walks in nature can help, hot baths, hot tea, exercise, a good movie, music, these things and more healthy distractions and relaxations can help a whole lot.

Post again anytime you’d  like.

anita

Dear Shelbyville:

“I did and still feel that this man was my shot..” reads like you are not okay with your one shot being gone, aka the breakup (consistent with previous share). But when you wrote “it works- great and if it doesn’t- too bad, at least you had your try”- that reads like you are okay with the breakup..?

* I will be gone for a walk in nature myself and be back in more than an hour from now.

anita

Dear Shelbyville:

I will be away from the computer and back in about sixteen hours from now. Any time you’d like to add a post, as many as you’d like, please do. I will read and reply when I am back.

anita

Shelbyville, I am a 36 year old male and it has been 3 months since my relationship ended with my 32 year old girlfriend.  Our ages are similar to yours and your ex’s.  It has been the hardest process for me to handle.  The pain is there all the time.  Even trying to do activities alone that we used to do together makes me almost break down.  I have read that it takes half the length of your relationship to recover.  I do not know if this is true.  I still have trouble sleeping.  I wake up 3 or 4 times a night thinking of her.  We have not contacted one another since it ended.  I have not “made it through” the breakup and I don’t want my story to cause you sadness.  I just want you to remember in the difficult times that your relationship was not moving forward…it is the reason it ended.  You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to move forward with you.  We all deserve that.  I am the same as you and I thought the same thing, that my ex was the “one” for me.  It makes things too heavy and painful to think like that now.  Now the focus needs to be on you taking each day at a time.  You will get through this.