Hi there,

My ex (feels weird to even say that), and I broke up 15 days ago. My heart is broken. The loss at times seems too much to bear. I did not want the relationship to end, but I understand why it came to an end. In a way. Rationally we had reached a point where I wanted to move forward (after 3.5 years) and the idea of that was too much for him. I can honestly say he’s the most genuine, kind and caring man I have ever met. However, I never fully got 100 per cent of him, because he couldn’t give 100 per cent. He has his own block which caused him to fear the responsibility of it all. We separated a few years ago for a few months and at that time I experienced severe anxiety and depression, I was unable to function for a number of weeks. I began taking medication and speaking to a psychologist and with the help of my family, I got back on track. To an extent. Because I did eventually seek to get back together with him and I was successful. I understood more and more each month that passed what his issues were, through the insight of therapy, and I genuinely thought I could help him work it out and have our happy ending. We tried. It was really hard at times, but I felt it was worth it because I love him with all my heart and while he couldn’t say those words to me, I realised he loved me too and sometimes, actions speak louder than words, or so my therapist explained. The breakup was excruciating, he was devastated as was I. On a rational note, I understood that my own emotions had let me go as far as I could, as disappointment and resentment were unintentionally making him and I feel worse. But it still hurts. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t imagine how we are supposed to go on leading separate lives. I want to be part of his life and he to be part of mine. So I’m battling at the moment. As a result of the break-up, which wasn’t too bad for the first five days, anxiety now has a steely grip on me. It consumes me, I’m petrified to be alone. Impending weekends fill me with dread. I have managed to work since the break-up because I was so fearful of falling into a similar circumstance as before, I forced myself to go, in order to have a reason I have to get up in the morning. The mornings are the worst, when I open my eyes super early to start my shift, it hits me like a brick. Despair you might call it. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel so very very alone. The first few hours of work are a struggle just to keep existing. When I don’t think about it as much, the pain is not as crippling, but it’s not really sustainable. We have maintained no contact since the break-up, similar to our previous break. But I worry that the only reason I got out of the woods during my previous breakup was because we ended up back together or I knew I wanted to at least try. I fear I will be sad for a very long time and that I will always be broken-hearted for this man, who had his flaws, but is also the best man I have ever met in my life. I have just signed up to tiny buddha and this is my first post so please forgive my lengthy explanation. My therapist, my family and friends all believe that there is literally nothing more I could have done, I tried my utmost to have patience etc for almost 4 years, working around him every which way possible, but at this moment, that’s no consolation to me. I’m about to turn 36, he’s about to turn 37, but in truth we were each other’s only relationship of this nature ever. I can’t see how I’m going to get over this and combat that anxiety and the frightening fear of being left alone in a room at any time, I can’t handcuff myself to my sister’s wrist. I understand the circumstances will differ in all relationships, but would anyone have made it out of this type of situation to the other side? Because I’m having difficulty understanding how that could be possible. x