Dear anita:

It’s quite sad to think that something that is quite “normal” and “peaceful” has been really inadequate for me. Sometimes I feel guilty that I do not appreciate what I already have. Maybe I am the type of person who sees things in a very deep way, and my family rarely filled my craving for that sort of stimulation.

Then again, I feel like it’s not just my family. It’s most people I encounter. From the school I entered since I was young, people felt shallow. I hope I am not being judgmental, but that is really how it feels.

However, I often think that if from the start, from first grade, I entered into a more competitive school with much more diversity, I might have been able to fill that gap sooner rather than later. What I noticed when I got into college was that I see people I yearn for in so many places, but I am currently only able to talk to the “regular ones” because I am shy and because those are who I am used to talking to.

The problem now has become reversed. Instead of me being on a different level from everybody, I found people who I recognize as getting along with a future me, as being the type of person who I could be.

Since I did not interact with them since the beginning, since I was young, I feel like I am very, very behind them. Like I have to “catch up” to their level. That’s what I mean by it becoming “reversed”.

Reflecting more about what my family has done for me, no one can really tell, no outsider at the very least, that there is anything wrong with my family. They would even think that it’s one of the healthiest families they see and I’m quite lucky to be part of it.

Sure, healthy as in an absence of too much drama or issues. Socially, my siblings grew up quite normally, or at least they learned to adapt a little sooner rather than later. However, I do know that one of my sisters has also been bullied, but it had the opposite effect on her, which made her chase people. while being bullied made me withdraw into a shell, it made her keep trying to adapt herself too much to the people around her, to the point where she had become confused of her own identity. In her own words, she “got involved with the wrong crowd”.

My other sister has also had awkward tendencies, but she’s really quite the most friendly person. She has made friends with very diverse people, a lot of people from other countries and beliefs as well. She tells me she’s shy and I guess I can see that because she’s not too loud or charismatic. But she makes an effort to be friendly to people, that much I can see. Her personal drama I guess would be between her and our parents. She had been the most rebellious. She is kind of a hippie, you see, and many of her beliefs do not coincide with my parents’. However, my parents have become more open-minded (or at least more tolerating), and they never stop being loving to her. My sister just has a tendency to be impatient and quick-tempered, so that has contributed a bit to the difficulty of her relationship with our parents.

My brother, well, I don’t know much about him, because he’s the oldest and doesn’t live with us right now. From my perception, he is the most similar to my parents in terms of values I think, because he is married with two kids and works a stable job. My two sisters have been a little less consistent when it came to their jobs.

So in our house as it is right now, I live with my parents, my two sisters, three cats, and my grandmother lives in the neighboring house. The first sister I talked about is moving to her own condo soon. She’s already like… 28 though. Haha. Also she’s been with her boyfriend for years but hasn’t married yet. Maybe she doesn’t ever want to? I don’t know. I don’t really want to ask her because I’m shy. This is the sister who I said I wasn’t really close to, but at least we’ve talked and bonded a bit.

Hmm, of all the family members, you’d think I’d be satisfied with my other sister, because she seems to fit the description of being more “different” and open-minded to various other things. That’s true. Now that I think about it, I’m guessing that it’s because she is only one person, and a community of such people would be more right for me. At least a small group of friends. You can’t hang around one person all the time or else we wouldn’t be able to give each other privacy.

If she was my age, maybe I’d be more satisfied. She’s 31.

And I guess the fact that she didn’t even talk to me until I was older was… well, not that I hold any grudges or anything, but I think she was probably not the same type of person when she was younger, either.

And now I grew up in my own head and I have gone in too deep, and there are still some things about me that she can’t reach. Am I doing this to myself? Am I the one who’s making it hard for other people to reach me? It is hard for me to pretend to be otherwise. To be not who I really am.

But to have a more peaceful social life, I sure do wish I could pretend. If I have Theater lessons, I may be able to help some of my social anxiety. I met someone (briefly, don’t think I’ll ever see her again because she is not a schoolmate and it was during a workshop of some sort) that had been in Theater and I would never have guessed she was actually an introvert! She said she still has trouble expressing her ideas, but nonetheless, I wish I had what she had! She seems so friendly! But it is surprising that even the people who appear most friendly are also the most unsure of themselves inside (like she said there are many times she does not know what to say). I, on the other hand, worry about looking like a snob or a serious person.

Dear anita:

My dad usually get’s tempered when there’s traffic. He also tends to get angry if he perceives that someone is being disrespectful to him. Like for example, my 31 year old sister. She also has a quick temper. So I’m really used to it when sometimes she sounds a little mad at me, although she doesn’t actually do it on purpose. I just get annoyed because I don’t think the tone of her voice is very nice. She makes it sound like she’s annoyed with me, or something. Anyway, I am kind of like my mom. I neutralize it because I do not react to these sorts of things.

Anyway, because my sister has that tendency, two quick-tempers can clash. Sometimes it can be about trivial things. The most recent one I’ve witnessed is my dad getting angry because he perceived my sister’s “disrespectful” tone of voice. He would say things like “don’t talk to me like that, I’m your father.” even though I know that it’s just my sister’s habit and she’s not really saying insults. It’s just the way she speaks sometimes. Basically they both get madder and madder, and my mom does tell them to stop. She does it gently.

So far, you see, it’s only verbal. There is no physical tendencies. This is very good.

I only mean that my mom doesn’t “intervene” in terms of life advice. I feel very lost in life sometimes and she doesn’t really guide me that much in terms of the adult life. Of course she answers my questions when I ask, but I don’t even know what types of questions to ask sometimes. Of course, she tries to help, but I would have appreciated if she was actually a little more nosy into my business or something. Like, if she had more OPINIONS about things. (Hope that doesn’t sound too demeaning…)

I also mean she doesn’t “intervene” in my basic growing up. She thinks I can learn most things on my own. I guess that’s because that’s also how she grew up, but I’m not sure. It really, REALLY, could be just her personality.

So in terms of socializing, yeah, they didn’t teach me what I needed to know. I mean, the times have changed, so perhaps the context for socializing has also changed.

What I hate about my old school is that people have divided themselves on a social hierarchy. It’s so similar in many schools nowadays, of course. The popular ones, the cool ones, the okay ones, the outcasts. I don’t know how more common it is now than before. You do know the millenial generation has become quite narcissistic (I hope this sentence doesn’t offend anyone. Of course I am not trying to generalize it to ALL millenial kids).

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by helleia.

Dear anita,

I was randomly browsing the forums, and I tend to notice a common theme in some of your posts. You seem to know a lot about dissociation. One of your posts reminded me of something you may or may not have also told me. And I am just reflecting right now and wondering whether the same could be applied to me. Was I ever a dissociating person? I am not sure. I can say that after being bullied and isolating myself, I have spent my time on mind numbing activities such as games and the internet. However, I wouldn’t say that everything was completely mind numbing, as I still feel like I feel life deeply, and I tend to yearn for things which I know exist in this world. I appreciate a lot of things, but I guess there are still things which I don’t appreciate fully, such as certain types of people, because on the inside I tend to judge that they, although attractive and admirable to me, are not understanding of people like me or wouldn’t be pleasant to hang around and would mostly just cause me anxiety.