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try to stay positive, but things keep going wrong

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  • #236519
    joanna
    Participant

    Hi, I have struggled for 3 years to recover from several awful experiences. I do all the positive thinking, affirmations, trying to relax, gratitude journals, forgiveness exercises etc, and read spiritual books, get out in nature etc. Finally I have had a few good things happen in the last couple of weeks, then suddenly (almost immediately) more very stressful things have happened, and almost catapulted me back to where I was. And people in my life who I can’t get away from due to looking after others, have replaced their usual shunning with more controlling and (feels like) bullying behaviour.

    I am still trying to take positive steps so that life gets better in the next week or two. But my thoughts and questions are: if I go through life always trying to do the right thing, why do I keep getting all this stuff back? I have made lots of mistakes in the past but that is what they were (mistakes). Yet many people on the outskirts of my life (not my family, who were lovely, most have died) have treated me badly with intention, yet go on living happy and carefree lives, not bothering about the situations they have left me in. I find this more confusing because I don’t have any family left (my relatives would never have treated people the way these people have). Due to manipulating me for their own ends, I have lost nearly everything. How do I raise my energy high enough to not care about their hurtful remarks and behaviour. But I am so sensitive saying ‘don’t care about what people think or say’ does not wash. I know the truth, but their treatment of me completely dissolves my self worth, as I am so emotionally brittle right now. It’s like they tear down the few good things I have left in life to give

    #236521
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Welcome to the forum Joanna.

    Unfortunately I do not have any answers for you however I can relate closely to the story you have shared. I have had a crazy past few months, back in June / July I lost everything, my whole life as I knew it. My job, my relationship, and a person very very dear to me.. I have been struggling ever since and have found it extremely hard to deal with the trauma left behind.

    I would like to follow your thread closely as I feel you may get some very good responses here. The tiny Buddha community is very insightful and supportive!

    I hope you get all of the answers that you need 🙂

    #236525
    joanna
    Participant

    Thank you so much. I love animals so much, enhanced because I have almost lost faith in the goodness of humans. I know there are wonderful humans out there too. You say you don’t have answers, but just a friendly reminder that people with genuine compassion and empathy do exist, makes it easier to be more hopeful. Thank you. xx

    #236575
    Peter
    Participant

    if I go through life always trying to do the right thing, why do I keep getting all this stuff back?

    I’ve always struggled with the idea behind the theology of reward and punishment which as you ask is a belief that if I do all the ‘right things’ obey all the rules I will be rewarded. Such notions do not exist in nature where the rain falls on the “good”  and the “bad”.

    Then there is the idea of “the Secret” where like attracts like, so if I’m positive, positive things will happen to me. The rub being that I must to my very core be “positive” which requires that I do the work to “”Know my Self” which requires embracing the negative and the positive within our selves. Misunderstood  we end up putting on the face of positively pretending all is well when we are hurting.

    Or Karma mistakenly  associated with Justice. Good things must happen to good people bad things to bad people as that only fair. If I desire that “karma” will punish those that have harmed me… what karma am I putting into play?

    I think it should be enough to do what is right because you feel it is right and that that is who you are. There are no mistakes other then those we don’t learn from. Learn better, do better what more can you ask of yourself?

    Positivity is great however if your suppressing your feelings in order to do so that is not positivity.

    One day the farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbor hears of his bad news and comes over to commiserate.
    “I hear that you lost your horse. That is bad news and bad luck.” “Well, who knows?” said the farmer, “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”

    Well, the next day the farmer’s horse returns to his stable, but it has brought along a drove of wild horses
    it has befriended and who make themselves at home. The neighbor across the way can’t believe what he hears about his friend. He decides to come over and congratulate him. “This is such goodness,” he says. “Well, who knows,” said the farmer, “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”

    The next day the farmer’s son decided to ride one of the new wild horses, to break it in. As luck would have it, the son was thrown from the horse and broke his leg. Of course, upon hearing this sad news, their neighbor came over to offer condolences. “This is such sad thing,” he said. “Your son has broken his leg. This is bad news.” “Well, who knows,” said the farmer. “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”

    On the following day soldiers came by commandeering and army. They took sons from most of the surrounding farms, but because the farmer’s son had a broken leg, he could not go and was spared. And well, maybe it was good news and maybe it wasn’t. Who knows what is good and what is not.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
    #236581
    Peter
    Participant

    My advice for what its worth is to take a step back from your your concept of positivity and measure of what success must look like while continuing to be greatfull for the good and bad that come your way that allow you to continue to grow and learn. Engage in life as it shows up doing your best, helping others when you can and you will find what you didn’t even know you were really looking for.

     

    #236589
    Isaac Wechuli
    Participant

    Joanna, one thing you must know is that even though positive thinking sometimes attracts positive experiences, it doesn’t mean that you won’t have negative experiences if you are a positive thinker. Many forces besides your thinking affect whatever you experience, and that’s why we invented the word ‘fate’. your positive thinking cannot stop an insect from biting you and neither can it stop a lion from attacking you…But it can help you persevere hardships because it gives you hope..therefore, continue being positive and GO WITH FLOW..Accept whatever happens and try to deal with it in a positive mindset…and also know that some people will always treat you the way you don’t want because everybody lives in his or her personal dream…therefore, my advice to you is JUST BE TOUGH, KEEP STANDING, embrace whatever life throws at you, and stop interacting with these folks that treat you badly…and sorry for the loss of your family…you have gone through a lot and you’re tough,,,so continue being tough

    find me at www.unboundedwisdom.com or papawriter1@gmail.com

    #236599
    joanna
    Participant

    Thank you for your comments and thoughts. I don’t follow the ‘happy clappy’ method of positive thinking, and am fully aware that bad things happen for us to grow. I just sometimes feel burdened that each time I try to make something good from all the bad stuff: more bad stuff appears that stops me being able to do some good? Does that make sense? I am not a fan of books like The Secret. I do feel there is truth in being relaxed helps to attract relaxing circumstances, but obviously you have a world where Buddhist monks have been violently murdered for their beliefs etc, so it does not seem to wash.

    I am not looking for karma as revenge. I am just trying to find some inner peace, by understanding why each day almost is a lesson in suffering. Surely as it gets too much, a cosmic break would enable me to be of more service to others?

    #236601
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Joanna,

    Your post keeps resonating with me. I know first hand what it’s like when you feel you are somwhat trying to progress the best way you can and more bad things keep happening – almost like a never ending cycle.

    I too hope for that cosmic break which will enable me to move forward with my life and find joy again!

    #236639
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  joanna:

    Your previous two other threads of two/three years ago or so were about the same topic, interacting with  people who offend or bully you. You wrote there  and here that you don’t have a choice but to interact with these people: “people in my life who I can’t get away from”.

    Is there indeed no way for you too get away from people who bully you?

    anita

    #236641
    joanna
    Participant

    It’s a very complicated situation. I understand your confusion, but I can’t really elaborate on a public forum. Suffice to say, there are responsibilities I have to those I love who are vulnerable, which means I can’t walk away.

    #236647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear joanna:

    If you are tolerating people who offend you or  bully you so to protect vulnerable people, maybe children, I admire you very much. Protecting children is perhaps  the highest  value there  is, as far as I am concerned.

    anita

    #236725
    Peter
    Participant

    I am just trying to find some inner peace, by understanding why each day almost is a lesson in suffering.

    The first noble truths in Buddhism is the truth of suffering. The reality is that Life is momentum – Life requiring the sacrifice of Life. Life eats Life, that is its wonder and horror. Awesome in the true meaning of the word.

    You are correct then in your realization that each day is a lesson in suffering. The next question is what are you learning? What will your answer to Life be?

    There are three ways that the wisdom traditions relate to The Truth that life eats life.

    1. Affirmation and gratitude for life as it is, the good and the bad
    2. Denial – No… Life is something that should not be. Stop the cycle and let me off
    3. We can fix it… Life is a war between Good and Evil and we can fix it.

    How you answer that reality for yourself will affect the way in which you relate to suffering. Will you fight life, or will you enter into the flow of Life? How much of the intensity of our suffering is created by our resistance to life?

    Surely as it gets too much, a cosmic break would enable me to be of more service to others?

    How are you measuring service? Everything you are and do is in service to Life (as it is) even as you suffer, create suffering and heal suffering.

    There is some suffering that we create for ourselves. Usually it involves control and the poor judgment of good and bad.

    Jung argued that one of the tasks of becoming required the individual to come to terms with the problem of opposites. As many of the wisdom traditions suggest when you take a close look at what appear to be opposites they disappear. The good and the not something to be separated but something that exist in each other. They are not two sides of a coin but the coin itself, the opposites, the good and the bad intimately entangled… disappear. The coin is a coin. Life is Life, as it must be and it is Yes.

    Once you let go of the need to control and define life and find a way to engage in the flow you will be a service to others. It might not look like what you imagine, and you may not be recognized for it, but it will be enough… as you let all that go as well.

    #236779
    nandini
    Participant

    I try to be positive but everything goes negative around me what can I do I am trying to find myself and I am losing myself more while I find myself. I am unable to control myself my thoughts my feelings I find if other people are controlling me and I am getting suppressed by them. Everyone around me pretend to be so cool but all are fake they just pretend to be real which they aren’t. Why nowadays those are fake are considered as real and who are real are not given much importance:(

    #236853
    Peter
    Participant

    There is an old joke about a guy stranded on top of the roof of his home after a flood. The guy prays to his god to save him as various boats come by to rescue him. The guy refuses saying he is waiting on his god to save him and eventuality he dies. When he faces his judgment he accuses his god as failing him to which the god replied I sent you the boats you just didn’t get in.

    I think what happens is that we expect our meaning, purpose, relationships, service to look a certain way and so refuse to get in the “boat” and engage in life as it shows up.

    There is a quote from T.S Eliot “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

    I suspect that we are always where we need to be in order to get to where were going. We only have to let go of our expectations of how we think life should show up for us to be able to see our path is the one we were already on.

    An instructor of a dance class I took made the self evident comment that whatever foot you are on is the right foot because it’s the only place you can start from to move to the next. Yet so many in the dance class would stop whenever we “made a mistake” when in dancing the only mistake is to stop.

    #236859
    Steve
    Participant

    Hi Joanna. I’m dealing with a lot of the same issues you mentioned. One saying that I find to be true is,”good intentions pave the way to hell”. As it seems the harder you try to improve yourself or your situation the crappier things become. I’ve had horrible luck and tough breaks going on 10 years now. Now I’m no angel and some things I brought upon myself. But the price I’ve paid for making bad decisions seems to far out weigh anything I’ve ever done.

    Without going into too much detail in just the past two years alone I’ve suffered a job loss due to down sizing,a car repossession and loss of my apartment as well as having to give up my best friend of 7 years,my cat Layla. All this while working hard and trying to stay positive.

    I’m divorced and have very little family. My sister who married well and has a huge home turned me away and would not let me stay in her home. She chose my lowest point to tell me what she thinks of me.I’m a loser,I married poorly,I can’t support myself,( I was married for 15 years and we never asked anyone for help so go figure) and she doesn’t want me around her grown sons who still live at home because they struggle with substance abuse.I’ve been sober for 3 years.

    My ex wife treats me like a dog even though I’ve been there for her through thick and thin for 20 years. I currently have no job,no friends and sleep on the floor of my mothers in a retirement community. Suicide looks pretty good right now but I refuse to give up.

    The main thing I’ve noticed in hard times is people will show their true colors.They’ll kick you when you’re down,or they’ll extend a hand in kindness. Many people mistakenly view karma as a tit for tat system of balance,It is not,It simply represents the dual nature of this reality,duality. Karma in humans is used a mechanism to find balance while here. And if you believe in reincarnation as many religions do,then you and I might be working through things done in past lives that we’re not even aware of in this present incarnation.

    Please feel free to discuss this further and feel better.

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