Whit,

It seems like you have a tasty three layer cake baking. The first, his relationship to his female friend and the insecurity that very naturally brings to the relationship. The second, the mental running that happens alongside the insecurity. The third, the animosity or discontent you have for your own mind because it runs.

For the first, trust is something that builds and erodes with time. The somewhat rocky start to the relationship very naturally leaves trust a little shaky. Life isn’t always a pretty fairy tale, and sometimes even great relationships start with some fumbling around. To work on trust, its a mix between patient communication, understanding and time, in the relationship. Outside the relationship, learning to trust yourself that even if things go sour, you’d be OK. You’d grieve, it would suck, and so forth, but you don’t need him to be happy, to be stable. Self nurturing does that for us. By taking time to give ourselves tender attention, such as taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, doing yoga, and so forth, we can accept and know that we can find our own peace, independent of the intentions and dedication of our partner.

That being said, if his texts are leaving you feeling poorly, why does he keep doing it? Like “she needs a friend” overrules your feeling of safety? Why is that worth it to him? When I met my wife, she had reservations about my connection to an ex. My teacher said to me “sure, she feels jealous, and that is on her. But why bring that challenge home? Is the friendship with the ex really worth that?” It wasn’t, and I haven’t talked to her since. You see?

For the second, consider that it is natural to have thoughts surrounding insecurity. Like an uncomfortable mystery, that the mind tries to solve. But, it can’t, too many pieces, too much unknown. So it runs and runs, looking, seeking, grasping, imagining. Instead of jumping on the thought train, letting it drag us around, we can notice its happening, and be gentle with ourselves. “Ah, yes, insecurity, unknown, fear.” As we rest with the emotion, accept the vulnerability as part of loving, the mind gets less jumpy, less dominoes fall, less effort is expended in the mind chasing and jumping at shadows. That’s when the desire behind the fear, such as “wow, I really want this relationship to work out” is seen, rested with. Then, what does that look like? What would “working out” be like for you? Keep your attentions there, and it becomes easier to grow that with him. Of course, he has to show up too, but that’s up to him and his heart.

The third, the “I know I’m a bad person, because…” and “my mind is my worst enemy”, consider being more gentle with yourself. We all do the best we can with the pieces we have, and your mind isn’t evil, your choice to stay in contact with your boyfriend doesn’t make you a bad person. Just a normal person, with a normal mind, fumbling around for answers and happiness like everyone else. So be kind to yourself, you deserve it! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Shouldn’t be that way, huh? That sounds pretty harsh with yourself, as though your insecurity isn’t just, as though it arises for no reason. This simply isn’t true, its there for a reason. Much like “I shouldn’t be limping”, as self judging when we have a twisted ankle. The insecurity, the limping, is a result. Not some “thing” you just have because you’re “broken” or “faulty”.

I do understand what you mean, though, his friendship with a woman doesn’t inherently cause insecurity, but in your relationship, it does. Perhaps because he kept in contact with you while trying to work it out with another. Now, perhaps you fear you are that other, and he’s still shopping.

Again, this heals with time and tender communication. Not just by biting a leather strap and willing yourself not to be insecure. You can ease the insecure feeling by befriending it, accepting it as real, reasonable, just an emotion, and lots of self nurturing. Like we may stay off a bad ankle, if you find you’ve been triggered, moving to a nurturing space helps the mental race unfold, the body let go.

With warmth,
Matt