Lady Carly ~~~

Trust issues can do a lot of damage not only in your present day but also in the days ahead. These under the skin issues can actually become like an ugly boil. You can waste a lot of time bouncing the ball of ‘trust’ back and forth but it may not solve anything. Especially when they choose to deny it.

If you can arrange a face to face meeting with the two of them, I would bring an ally with you. Just to make it an even playing field. Start it out with perhaps a beer or two and some light conversation. Then it is time to ‘flip over the garbage cans’ and confront your trust issue. Their reaction and words will ultimately tell you all of the truth you are looking for. Then if he does not measure up to your expectations, do yourself a favor and drop him on the spot. There is no reason to continue to be miserable any longer. A face to face meeting with the ex girlfriend lover and him would be most ideal to get straight answers.

If he cannot be totally honest with you now, then perhaps he never will. You are a precious person, a lady nonetheless and you do not have to be treated like anything less. He can only continue to harm you, if you continue to allow him to do so. Be strong and if the shoe of your relationship does not fit, quit struggling and leave barefooted.

Have a most splendid day.

Hi Carly, I don’t claim to have a resolution for your situation, mainly because I can’t possibly know everything that’s involved.

Though I think I can offer some insight.

Based on what you’ve said, I see one glaring issue. Your BF was with his ex and you during a same time period. Can I assume that the ex did not know about this relationship with you during this time? That he was cheating on her with you?

If it was cheating, then you know without a doubt that he has cheated in a relationship. Not to mention that you have stated that you have cheated in a relationship as well. It would not surprise me if this is the reason (or at least a main one) for your being suspicious of his intentions.

Let’s say he never sees his ex again. Ask yourself if you’re still suspicious of him in other situations. While you’re at it, ask yourself if you trust yourself in other situations as well. You may be at a point in your life where it’s a good idea to take a step back and evaluate what kind of romantic relationship you want to have. Do you want a relationship where you don’t have to worry about him sleeping with someone behind your back?

If you routinely have these feelings about him cheating, I have to say it would do you well to take a step back and consider these things. How much of a step back you need is only for you to measure. Maybe take a few days to yourself. Tell him this, rather than disappear from him. Communication is the key. If he doesn’t like the idea of you taking some space for yourself, then ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn’t allow you your own space.

My point is that each of us is free to pursue the kind of relationships which we feel comfortable with. This does not mean attempting to change the other person. Though it may mean changing yourself, in the ways you see fit. You set your own standards/boundaries, though it may take some time to work those things out on your own, discover what those are.

Accept the possibility that things might not work out between you two. I can tell you really don’t want the relationship to end, and yeah it’s a heart breaking experience. But it’s not the end, and you know it.

Hope this offers you a new and beneficial perspective.

My trust issues are a direct result of my own level of trust for myself.

Can I trust myself to accept that today I made a choice to be with this person and then act like it?

Or will I traumatize myself with my thoughts and feelings of mistrust that are directly related to my own past.

Today is a new day. Everyone has a clean slate. Bringing past or present thoughts into our now is the act of stealing serenity from ourselves IMO.

Trust begins with me. If I behave in ways that allow me to trust myself, mind – body – soul, I will not obsess on ‘if’ I can trust others so much. My happiness and contentment with myself will be enough – having a relationship is the cherry on top the cake – but I provide my peace, happiness and serenity by behaving in ways that contribute to those things.

For me this wasn’t easy. There were a lot of choices I made that were out of the ordinary for me when I started on a spiritual path. One was exactly related to this topic. Trusting my husband. As far as I knew (for sure) he was trustworthy. I was sabotaging our relationship with my jabs toward his trustworthiness – and ultimately it was all in my head. I needed to see the thoughts come, and let them pass – not follow the thought trail. Especially not act on it. This took practice – I was compelled to do things like check his phone or email and ask questions which were directly related to the negativity of my obsession.

It was simply that – an obsession. A way to distract me from me – and all of the feelings I had around my own untrustworthy past. I worked toward resolving those personal issues. I rooted out some of the reasons why I continually betrayed myself in life. Why I acted in ways that did not allow me to trust myself. For one, I was brought up believing I was fairly worthless – so as a result, I did not honor the being that I am. I did not find myself worthy of decent behavior.

The changes started with me. I had to discover my own set of morals and values, and then live up to them for my own sake – not for others. I had to prove to me that I could trust me to behave in those ways so I could begin to feel some self esteem and self worth. When I continually showed up for myself emotionally and spiritually, and started living a more spiritual and principle based life, I began trusting myself to not harm me emotionally.

Beyond that, I realized that trusting others was not so important. I didn’t need anyone to prove anything to me… if they were trustworthy or not no longer affected me so acutely… as I was already providing for myself through self love and growth. If they behaved ‘badly’ or not trustworthy or whatever… I didn’t take it personally. It wasn’t about me – just like my own issues were never about external things or people. They were about me. Nothing people did was AT me – and it didn’t/doesn’t DEFINE me as worthy of love or someone being committed to me etc. I already know that I am those things… because I act like it… like myself… and trust myself.

Ironically – my obsessions in all forms have ceased to exist as I got more in tune with my true nature which was to be kind, loving, honest, trustworthy, compassionate, passionate etc etc.

I no longer shop, eat, drink or clean impulsively – chew my nails or obsess about my husband or other people ‘misdoings’ to me. I focus on my life and my self and what I can do to make it peaceful.

I try to stay in the moment, focus on things that will bring out the best in me and others… and leave the results of all my efforts up to the Universe. By accepting things as they are, and myself as I am as I grow – I find peace and joy in being alive.

Best wishes on your journey
Tash

Hello Rumi –
I have not read any books on spirituality – self help – or (gasp Buddhism… woops, did I just disclose that I am here on a whim and a hope lol). I do read books for ACA’s – children of dysfunction and participate in a group for support with that.

Most of the books I enjoy are either science fiction or books about people’s adventures living in nature – such as Jane Goodall’s books.

I appreciate your tip – though, I am sometimes reluctant to read other people’s ‘versions’ of spirituality or enlightenment etc – as I am trying to define myself and my own beliefs – I am not inclined to be swayed by ‘others’ and do not want to put myself in that position.

I prefer to ‘learn’ or be guided by people that I actually know – like you… now.

Thanks for being here 🙂

@tash That is funny, because I also want to form my own view of the world and not be swayed by others’ beliefs 🙂 Then again, there are a lot of similarities in ACAs. The reason I like David Richo is that he is very gentle in his explanations of what might a healthy relationship look like. It’s not a doctrine forced upon you.

I am very suspicious of anyone who claims to have access to some sort of ultimate truth. I pick up different pieces here and there and see what is a good fit for me in that particular time in my life. That is the same approach I take to my posts here: I do not claim to know everything, but I want to share what has helped me. If it might offer a missing piece to someone in that moment, then great! If not, then that’s OK. I also find that there are some basic principles that seem to be universal, but how we perceive them and how we understand them, differs. So I keep preaching my own view of what I think unconditional love is, not because I believe that my version is the whole truth, but because there might be someone out there who can understand my point of view easier than someone else’s. Ultimately, the most important thing is that people will find peace in themselves.

…and so that I would not completely derail this thread, I’ll respond to the OP as well 🙂

@carlsbarkley Like others have pointed out, you need to trust yourself in order to trust others. Even if you had access to knowledge of everything that your partner does, it would not take away the underlying problem of fear of losing him. I don’t think that you can force yourself to let go and allow him to be. It happens naturally when you find the fulfillment in yourself. There is no need to grab onto another person when you are content in who you are. It becomes easier to allow others to be who they are.

Another thing that happens with self-love and fulfillment is that since you view yourself as a worthy human being, you’ll naturally gravitate towards people who see you the same way, and you’ll naturally let go of the people who don’t share your feeling of contentment and love. When you are looking for a fix from outside of yourself, someone to fill the void, it’s much easier to accept all kinds of behavior from others, even when they hurt you and treat you poorly. You can’t let them go, because you need them for a feeling of fulfillment. But if you are fulfilled already, the poor treatment becomes a repellant. Why stay with those who try to hold you down?

But the prerequisite is self-love, self-respect, self-nurturing…

Carly,

It’s pretty simple, if the person wants to be with you, he will be true to you.

Your case is similar to what I had gone through. My ex used to start shouting on me and be angry whenever he sensed he was at fault. The night I caught him cheating on me, the next day he was charging me for not sleeping beside him….:-) looking back, now I laugh at it! I was blindly in love with him, and scared of losing him (just like you’re supposedly feeling); and then he used to take undue advantage by manipulating me.

Please be a strong person, we can’t be depending on someone else’s acceptance for our own existence.

Lots of positivity to you dear….