Paul,

I’m sorry for your uncomfortable feelings, and can empathize with how our mistakes can trouble us. Sometimes we get allured by sidetracks, new and sparkly over tried and true. Its really just a matter of impatience, but it blossoms into a lot more as we step further and further away from our sense of right. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that forgiving here is going to have to happen from within, because not all of your mistakes involve her directly. Perhaps the home life was a little shadowy, you two distracted by stresses and whatnot, feeling fear instead of lightness and faith in your mutual efforts to nourish the family, bring the bacon, and all that. So, the flirty was a little light, a blossom in a desert, and you got a little close. When too much of your attention was turned toward her, luckily she closed it down before it went further. You were on a slippery path, and its natural that you lost your footing a little. It happens.

Consider that looking outside your marriage in that way is not the path, son, let it go. Polyamory is fine, if both are willing to walk that path together, but when we make a promise, we should do our best to honor it. Again, its normal to reach for a glass of fresh water when we become thirsty, but a fidelitous heart is important, too.

Which brings us back to the initial thorn, the impatience. Consider that relationships cycle through phases of sun and moon. On a picnic, laughter and joy, is followed by paying bills, or some of the bills, and scratching our heads and biting our nails and so forth. The passion turns elsewhere, stress closing the “picnic field”, interrupting the dance of lovers. And we miss it, because when the music plays and we are hand in hand with our wife, what magic! We married her for a reason, two hearts joining because they wanted to. Perhaps a few more bills and wrinkles these days, but still an incredible beauty when we are looking.

To solve the impatience, consider resigning, repenting, by simply bringing home the life you wish you had. Said differently, if you can see how the flirty texts brought some needed freshness to your step, accept that need is real, and try to inspire it at home. Flirt with your wife. She might have walls of stress or fear between herself and her inner flirt, but you know her tender spots, what brings her happiness, so use your knowledge to wake her up. Capture her attention, fill her view with blossoms and cards and smiles and kisses. You want to do that, or it being missing wouldn’t have driven you away from your promise.

Then, be patient. Perhaps the first bouquet won’t bring out her playful spirit, perhaps not the surprise kisses on the back of her neck. It might take a dozen, or thirty… but let it be your quest, proof to yourself, Gaia, and your wife, that you can be patient while you wait for the sun to come up. Said differently, perhaps you can accept you have a need for playfulness, but instead of outside, grow it inside.

Finally, consider that you’ve been given a valuable lesson in certain, slippery, paths, so to speak. Use it wisely, because it is not good to dishonor ourselves or our home. Not just because of the wife, but for yourself. You made promises, and as you work to keep those promises, less of your strength is lost in cycles of regret, isolation, and brooding. Said differently, hot stove, burnt hand, painfulness, wisdom. Right? That’s enough, let it go, get up, move on. Now, what makes your wife’s river rise? Aim there. 🙂

Namaste, brother, may you find your oasis.

With warmth,
Matt

Paul,

You’re trying to shoulder her karma, which is not for you to do. Said differently, she was flirting with you, and when it got too real, it scared her and she broke away, closed it down. Consider that she was on the same slippery slope, flirting with a married man. It wasn’t “Paul” that made her uncomfortable, it was her own conditions, choices, and so forth. Sure, her breaking off like that might have been rough, but better a rough break than a few nights of sex and many nights of regret.

Its kind of you to feel bad you were part of her discomfort, but the deeper wound is the one to yourself, for falling into that mire. Said differently, why is it more troubling that your hooks were rejected than you tossed them out there to begin with? Be honest with yourself, and the “leaning” you were doing, the thirst that keeps your attention on her, and turn away. Or, if I’m incorrect, forgive me, I’m on your side and simply trying to help you find a more harmonious relationship with yourself and your needs.

If you still can’t let go, consider a mantra. “I’m sorry for whatever discomfort came up between us, and as you go dance out in the world, I hope you find forgiveness and freedom.” Consider that because of the slippery slope, your desire for hearing forgiveness from her is tied into your desire to connect with her again. Perhaps one more hit isn’t what you really need?

With warmth,
Matt

That makes sense to me. Not only did you have a little space away (making the mind more relaxed and open, exploring) but you were away from home, perhaps a little lonely. So, reaching out for home happened in the wrong direction. Oops! See how slippery flirting is, especially when bounadaries are not maintained? When the desire to play comes up, it naturally moves us toward the people or experiences we play with in that space… like a nagging itch, or star on the horizon, associations in the brain.

“Wow, this is fun, who else is fun?”

With warmth,
Matt

Thanks Matt @amatt. Just beautiful 🙂

HI Paul

Everything Matt has written is spot on.

However, from the last post of yours, it seems that you are still feeling quite guilty and looking for her forgiveness. Paul, you did what you did at that time as it felt right to you then. However, with passage of time, you realised that you have lost a good mate and are upset with yourself for doing such an action. Hey, why cry over a split milk ? Can you do something to change things around ? I think you can.

1. Pls forgive yourself. You were the one who did this. She may have instigated it in the first place but it was your action eventually. Once you are able to truly let go of your guilt, you will feel so much better. If you don’t, the guilt will help create bad hormones in your body and lead to all sorts of physical, emotional and mental problems at some point of time – do you really want that, mate ?

2. Pls learn to accept yourself as you are. You have needs and desires and one of them made you astray. Whats the big deal ? Atleast you realised your mistake. Some people don’t ever do that and keep creating negative Karmic (action) cycle and then ask, Why me, why that etc.

3. Be kind to yourself, Paul. Show respect for your inner being who was longing for some different type of companionship at that time. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to openly communicate with your wife and let her know how you felt and what you did. I am sure if you did it with the right intention, she will understand (Pls don’t make her feel that she was the cause of this action as she wasn’t despite your differences on finances). This will be a stepping stone for a stronger relationship between you and your wife and hopefully, will keep you away from such actions in the future. We do certain actions when our needs are not met. If we can meet them in our existing relationships with communication, love and acceptance, we wont have to look outside.

4. Don’t expect forgiveness from others. You did an action of asking for forgiveness, which is great. Leave it at that. Other peoples reactions and actions are not under our control. They will forgive, love and accept when they wish to. Some may choose not to but they are only harming themselves with that negativity and not others. Can you read this sentence again, pls.

Why don’t you try out the Metta Meditation that Matt usually suggests to other members by Sharon Salzberg. I think it will bring a lot to peace to your grieving heart. Another way to forgive yourself is to make a meal or buy some groceries and donate it to the needy in your area such as women’s refuge, homeless shelter etc. When you make a food donation, it creates a lot of positivity and will help to bring light in your heart and I can vouch for that.

Loads of positive energy coming your way. I know you will be fine soon enough and life will unfold beautifully from now on.

Jasmine