hello,

I am sorry to hear that your (ex) wife is bipolar 🙁 I know it’s difficult to judge someone with such mental illness but I also know how difficult it is to also live with a loved one that has it. My partner had the most traumatic childhood living under the same roof with verbally and physically abusive bipolar father. They needed decades till they got financially independent to move out from the same roof and during that time they went through hell with his sister and mother. Because of him I got very interested with the topic, especially because it’s an illness that can be easily inherited and I was scared that he or our future children might have it (though to be honest, he is 34 and i haven’t noticed any sign of it the last 8 years we’ve been together’).

I am not sure if she gets any professional help in form of medication and counseling, but she should, immediately… The best you can do is catch her in one of her better days and convince her to get some. Lately there are options for many medications that can provide these people life with much better quality, and though not every pill works for everyone, it is the very rare individual who doesn’t find a medication, or combination thereof, that significantly helps. And psychotherapy… It’s a must. If not you, someone else, close and dear to her should come and convince her to take a more serious approach to this (there are also many other methods.. but, we are not here to cure your wife, it’s about you this time).

My advice is also for now, till you get your independence, to talk to a counselor too. Because none of us here are professionals, and I am not sure we are qualified to provide significant help for your situation, cause it’s of a more delicate nature. I am just talking from experience… I also had a friend while I was younger that started manifesting bipolar behavior.. And her mother called me to tell me how to act with her when she is in her manic state, what questions (not) to ask, when to call for help (after she has spoken to psychiatrist). So while you are under same roof, do it, because I can also tell that people living with bipolar people need professional guidance too.

Though we can partially blame your wife because she is ill, also, I know for sure that no one can blame you (or anyone) for refusing to live or maintain relationship with this kind of person, because it is very difficult and challenging one. It’s a choice you make, to deal with it or not. Since you are divorced it looks like the choice has been made, and now I can only wish you the best of luck to gain your independence. If it comes unbearable, stay with a friend of relative even in further location, because when you are there she uses you as an outlet for her manic urges. It seems to me that you have many tangled relations with her that are all result from your financial dependence from her. Do not ‘get comfortable’ in your prison, i know it wasn’t your life goal to be her nurse, housekeeper, pet keeper in exchange for roof over you head. It’s time to look outside the box and free yourself, explore more solutions. Start thinking about who will replace you once you get your own life… In the meantime get any help you can afford, if nothing else through internet research about how to deal with bipolar person. As i said, it’s a special situation, a medical one and rules and advice that come from common sense do not apply here…

@loveleebabe, My advice is to keep your head down and focus on getting financially stable so you can get out of there and restart your life. It sounds like you’re in a toxic relationship. One thing I have learned in life is that you can’t help everyone, you sometimes have to help yourself and that may mean that you can’t help or be someone’s caretaker. I hope you find the strength to get out of that situation. Good Luck.

Dear loveleebabe:

There is no way to live well while being abused- it just can’t be done. There is no way to endure it and be okay. There is no way in heaven or in hell to make living with abuse somehow okay. Even for a person with no money and no friends, your very situation, living with a person who abuses you cannot be a good or not-as-bad option. You have to get away. Be it to a homeless shelter, some kind of shelter where you can be housed and fed until you stand on your feet, maybe a place where you can get some counseling.

Get out, free yourself from abuse!

anita

Dear loveleebabe:

Plan b, to leave the abusive person/ home where you are currently living, that is, saving yourself from abuse, should be the Only Plan, so I will call it Plan O.

Plan O has to be made and executed ASAP.

You are welcome to start working on Plan O right here on your thread. Start the planning in your next post and I for one, will reply, comment, give you feedback, suggestions.

anita

Dear loveleebabe:

As far as plan a, which is what you are doing now, living with the woman, you wrote in your original post: ” I also need to be here for her as she has diabetes and lots of anxiety/panic attacks. Also take care of our cats nd clean the house.” Well, seems to me like she needs you, more than the weekly rent. She needs you because she has diabetes and panic attacks… and cats and a house to clean.

Use her needing you to insist that she treats you with respect. Switch your view from it being you who are needy of her (and therefore tolerating her abuse) to her needing you, and therefore tell her exactly, specifically what she should not say and do if she wants you to keep helping her. You have leverage to use so to enforce being respected for as long as you are there.

anita