Home→Forums→Relationships→Traveling and leaving the man i love
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June 21, 2017 at 6:42 am #154344
SophieParticipantHey – so this is a stupid subject I know there are way bigger things in the world to worry about but right now this is my little problem that Is causing me the world of pain! please help me x
So I am a 26 year old girl that LOVES to travel – 3 years ago I dumped my boyfriend to travel for 1.5 years at first it was awful but I came back and about 6 months later we hit it off again! we didn’t stay in touch, when I came back I was very much on the independent, strong woman taking control of this situation, but when I started to see him again I could feel me getting sucked in again! he did end thing with his lover because he somehow “knew I was coming home” and wanted to be with me (how kind :/ ) so my thoughts are this – do I really trust that he loves me if it was so easy for him to have another girl whilst is was away then dump her then have another (sex buddy) then kindly dump her for me… am I just a bit of fun for the summer? does he really mean I when he tells me he loves me so so much? am I being a crazy girl and thinking into this way to much? brain muddle 🙁 I feel I have probably muddled your rains too – im sorry 🙁
I have seen a therapist about this as i’m so scared to go to Canada and feel I have made the wrong choice, im worried it will ruin my time away – my therapist relayed back all the things I have said to her which I guess were all – am I? do I? does he? all negative answers and questions that don’t seem so loving to an outsider, but when im with him I just love him so so much , my therapist also made me a wear that sex is a very powerful thing and can take control of some people!
Any thoughts or tips would really be so much appreciate – thank you all so much
Sophie xx
June 21, 2017 at 6:49 am #154394
AnonymousGuestDear Sophie:
If your “little problem …Is causing (you) the world of pain”- then it is not a little problem and it deserves attention.
You wrote: “when I came back I was very much on the independent, strong woman taking control of this situation, but when I started to see him again I could feel me getting sucked in again”- can you elaborate on what you mean by “getting sucked in again”, why you lost the independent and strong feeling you had before you returned to a relationship with him?
anita
June 21, 2017 at 7:22 am #154404SophieParticipantThank you so much for responding to me and you kind help.
I think what im trying to say is loving him again- I got sucked into loving him again which I can find hard – I have anxiety in relationships which I try hard to not effect me- I get insecure, blame him for not showing me attention, think im giving him love and he’s not giving me any back, I know I sounds like a someone that is super needy but I guess I don’t know if its me or him. If im telling my self he doesn’t love me just to make it easier on myself by pushing him away. I just read a blog on this site which totally made sense to me that know therapist had ever suggested.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-you-feel-anxious-in-relationships-and-how-to-stop/ THIS IS 100 PERCENT ME – ALL OF IT………………. maybe this is why I feel the way I do…. im so confused!
He always tell me he loves me, he serious about “us” that’s he wants me to go away and have the best time, that this isn’t the end…. He has a great way of dealing with it, he so so calm, and im the total opposite – stress head!
Thank you
Sophie
June 21, 2017 at 8:30 am #154410AnonymousGuestDear Sophie:
I read part of the blog you posted. It is about the Attachment Theory. The theory states (and I am aware of it as being so), that children are born with an innate drive, a pre-programming, to form an attachment to caregivers. There are three fundamental types of attachment children form: Secure, Avoidant and Anxious. The type of attachment a child forms to a caregiver determines the attachment formed in adulthood in romantic relationships.
In your case, you identify yourself with the Anxiously Attached. And so, as the blog states, you expect your partner to soothe you like a parent should, to make you feel better every time you feel distress, and when he fails to do so, you get angry/ blame him when all along he can’t and it isn’t your job to parent you.
Problem is, you wrote above: “I don’t know if its me or him”- meaning, you understand that you would blame a man even if a man loved you, because of your Anxious Attachment, but… not all men are loving. What if your complaints are true.. is it you or him?
I am thinking that when you are in a relationship with him you are Anxiously Attached and that is often distressing. When you travel, you are Avoidantly Attached- and you feel strong and independent (the payoff for being avoidant).
My suggestions: be aware of your motivations. You are motivated to feel strong and independent, like you felt much of the time traveling. You are not motivated to experience anxiety, as you do too often in a relationship. You are also motivated to be in a relationship, and to receive the soothing and comfort you did not receive as a child.
You are motivated to be in a loving relationship and you are motivated to NOT be in a loving relationship.
Back to the is-it-me-or-him point and motivation: you are motivated, as you suggested, to find evidence to why it-is-him, so to NOT be in a loving relationship, so to Avoid Attachment.
Would like to read more from you, thoughts and feelings, and will respond further, if you share.
anita
June 21, 2017 at 9:00 am #154416SophieParticipantYour suggestion is bang on! I think what has happened to me in the past I feel like I always need to feel loved (from partners or a lover) but then when I have it I throw it away as I like to travel and that is my true passion. I get what you mean by not all men are kind but how can I tell the difference? he says he loves me, he cares deeply for me, although im not 100 per-cent sure I trust him as he has slept with a few girl since I was away (but shouldn’t he, I left him) I feel he is extremely good looking so could get any girl, why bother girl me if I’m crazy in this relationship, but he still tells me its only me he wants – but I don’t want to be the fool.
I’m extremely passionate about my life and living it to the fullest – I am a very emotional spiritual person and just feel slightly lost and confused! I am going away. As I read this I feel im going round in circles – if I was to stay and not travel would I be 100 per-cent satisfied with him? im not sure but I would like to think I would! he is very attached to his job and sport, which I fully support but I do sometimes feel like a third wheel to him, am I a crazy girl to feel like he should play me more attention or is that me anxiety kicking in? so hard to tell!
Thank you again – Please come to Canada with me and keep me sane 🙂 haha!
June 21, 2017 at 9:28 am #154424AnonymousGuestDear Sophie:
You can post from Canada, if you are able and willing, and I will reply.
You wrote: if I was to stay and not travel would I be 100 per-cent satisfied with him?” The answer is clear as far as I understand it: you will not be 100% satisfied, not even close. How can you be when you are not sure if he loves you (not knowing if it is him or you), when you are Anxiously Attached, when you are partly motivated to not be in an intimate, romantic relationship…
You are less conflicted about traveling, so you are going to. I hope you continue to enjoy your traveling. Keep being honest with the guy, tell him how it is for you, what motivates you, the conflicting motivations. And keep living your life passionately.
anita
June 28, 2017 at 6:17 am #155370SophieParticipantHi and sorry for my late reply
I have had a lot of time to think and there are so many if’s and but’s that my mind has gone into overload so for that reason I think it is best to follow my travel dream as I am uncertain what would happen if I stayed home.
The day I was emailing you was a terrible day for me, I went home and told him everything, whilst he was VERY supportive for the first half his mind soon wondered off to being a typical man (horny) and tried it on – is this wrong? I don’t know – should he have been more sensitive or is this just me being to hopeful! this is what I mean by brain overload – I kind of just don’t know what is right or wrong if you get me!
When he is talking about marrage and having babies it really does make my tummy flutter, in a good way, who doesn’t want to feel that love. But do I trust him and is he right for me? I just don’t know, and maybe I don’t want to know right now.
When we were first getting together (3 years) ago we were on a night out on the town a bunch of us, I was super shy and we didn’t talk at all really but it was still a flirty kind of thing going on – I remember dancing on the dance floor with my best friend looking over and seeing him kiss another girl, take her by the hand and leave the club – even writing this makes me feel a little ill! and for some silly annoying reason I just cant get over that, I know its mad and were weren’t officially ‘a thing’ but still…
Please offer me you wisdom and kind advise on me hopefully doing the right thing!
Thank you so much
Sophie x
June 28, 2017 at 7:56 am #155386AnonymousGuestDear Sophie:
I think traveling for you is a great idea, since you love traveling, it is your passion and it has made you feel strong and confident in the past. Less conflict in traveling than in relationships!
You are not a married woman. You didn’t mention having been proposed to by your boyfriend, or having marriage being a consideration, did you? This means, you are still single. Go travel.
Reads to me like you don’t know your boyfriend very well, don’t know his motivations, what to expect from him, whether he is trustworthy or not. And so, not traveling because of the relationship with him doesn’t make sense to me.
It is possible that he does love you. It is possible that he knows of your conflicting motivations: to be with him and to not be with him and maybe it soothes him (because of his conflicted motivation, perhaps..) to know that he will be free soon, I don’t know. But do you know…?
It will be good if you can talk with him about anything and everything, find out his motivations, what makes him do what he does, get to know him (being in a relationship with him and when you communicate with him otherwise, as when traveling, email or phone). This way, instead of overthinking-on-empty, you gather real information for better (and less) thinking.
anita
June 28, 2017 at 8:53 am #155398SophieParticipantMost certainly not married and not thinking of it 🙂 You are extremely right in what you write – Traveling is my passion, it makes me happy and there are no arguments with travel. My biggest test is thinking I’m missing out but as your rightly put it, what drives him .. the answer is his work and sport sport sport! In a way I do feel he will find it easy for me to leave and will just move on – but I cant blame him, this is the 3rd time I have been traveling so I guess its not settling for him either!
Thank you so much for your honesty, although its via email chat you honestly have mad me see the light a little clearer. I just hope I have the strength to be strong when I leave.
All the best, Sophie
June 28, 2017 at 10:49 am #155426AnonymousGuestDear Sophie:
You wrote: “My biggest test is thinking I’m missing out”- when you choose Travel, you will be missing out on something good about this relationship. You will miss out on anxiety in the relationship (good thing), but you will also miss out on some good moments. Thing is in the great majority of times, when you choose X you miss out on Y. This is the nature of making choices. If it wasn’t so, it would be easy to choose, every time.
Since you cannot change this fact, let it not paralyze you into inaction- then you miss out on X and Y. Comparing the two choices: Travel and Relationship, at this point, given your challenges with relationships and given the state of this relationship (not that advanced), I would say Travel sounds like the right choice.
Let’s say you have a choice between X: placing your hand in the fire in order to grab a hot potato so to eat it and using a tool to grab the potato and so, not burn our hand. That is a no-brainer easy choice. You miss nothing by using the tool. Let’s say you don’t have a tool- you don’t grab the potato with your hand, you don’t get to eat it. That is an easy choice too because having a burned hand will rain on your parade of eating the potato once you grabbed it. Most choices are not that easy because there is no burning of a hand involved, literally. And so, there will always be something you miss.
anita
June 28, 2017 at 12:02 pm #155428
ElianaParticipantHi Sophie,
I read your first post post (and subsequent posts) but one thing stuck out to me in your first post, and I just want to make sure I am understanding correctly, because you were talking about your therapist saying sex is a powerful motivator.
I realized in my early years, when I was in my “infatuation” stage or “crush”. I felt an intense need to be held by the man. I felt this powerful chemistry like no other. And before I knew it, before I even got to know him, we made love. That’s when I got from being what I thought was a strong independent woman to someone who instantly was wild and crazy in love, because after sleeping with men, like many women you form a very close bond attachment. Men, on the other hand don’t think this way, they can sleep with a woman and not develop any kind of emotional bond with her. They just decide if they want to be “in a relationship with the woman” so, in learning that about myself, if a man wants to rush into things, I tell him the truth..”I’m sorry, but I Will form an intense emotional bond with you, if I sleep with you, lets get to know each other, and see how things develop” if they are true gentleman, they will understand and wait, if they just want a hop in the sack, I will never hear back from them again. So this might be what is happening, so wait to have any kind of intimacy until you get to know someone. Keep us posted.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by
Eliana.
June 29, 2017 at 3:35 am #155502SophieParticipantMorning
Thank you for your post it makes a lot of sense to me – I feel I am extremely needy (not crazy girl though) but I do love feeling loved, getting hug and kisses and being told nice thing about myself, who doesn’t? I feel as soon as I am intimate we might as well get married -ok maybe not that far but yes I get very attached very easily and intimacy that’s a big deal for me, I love the feeling of a man looking after me and being in control so I guess that’s what I will miss. I don’t think this is a crush as we have been together twice now – before the last time I travelled. I guess right now im just thinking, if he makes me feel like I have to come on to the web site to write about how I feel, if I told him and hes don’t nothing about it apart from sweet talk me, there must be something not right… like you said I feel he is just waiting for me to go to move on even thought he says he will never forget me and will wait! basically a head F***! man are so great at that haha
Im going traveling and living my life to the fullest I can 🙂
Sophie xx
July 7, 2017 at 7:15 am #156798SophieParticipantHi Anita
I’m so sorry to be emailing you again, I’m sitting at my desk thing “why why why” why do I feel the need to get support of this great site and why can’t I just deal with this on my own! I just want to be chill about this stupid situation, but I can’t! I can’t just let it be. I spoke with my dad last night and finally told him and his was response was “do you want me to tell you it’s going to be ok, because it won’t, you will cry a lot and you will be sad but Sophie what will be will be – you don’t have a crystal ball so just be calm” me and my dad are super close and just how he says theses thing makes my mind clear for just five minutes but when I’m on my own and I’m bored my mind goes mad! One thing to the next. It’s like I have emotional bipolar.
So Pete (the boyfriend) has been away for just over a week – he is sending me loving text like “you are the sunshine in my life – you are my one and only” (gross but cute ha) when I talk to my friends about this, they are very protective of my and remind me about the past, when he was seeing me and another girl at the same time, when we were out in the club and I saw him get with another….. this club situation was about 3 years ago but still to this day makes me feel so sick inside. And I think how can someone do that to me, treat me with such disrespect but then I think maybe he has grown up and he really does love me and want to marry me like he says he does! I feel myself trying to justify his actions to myself and others – what does this mean?
I can’t belive how my mind it going 100 miles an hour’s 24/7 and he is just so cool about it – when I talk to him and say stuff like “it will kill me when we have to say good bye” (makes me feel sick inside just typing that!) He always says yes I find it so hard too and I’m going to hate it but he never voices it AT ALL and im the one going to bed almost every night crying .
I’m so nervous about losing our connection, sexually and emotionally but part of me whilst writing this is like “are you Sophie” my mind is just so confused, it’s almost like I’m going away to see if I can find better and if not I will come back to him. In some ways I fell I deserve better because I give sooooo much love to him and feel I might not get the same in return? Just because he says nice things to me doesn’t mean that enough does it?
I think im looking for answers to questions I don’t even know if that makes any sense at all – ive never been so confused in my life!
I really am sorry if this makes no sense at all but that’s because my brain is fried.
Thank you for you kind help you have no idea howmuch it means x
July 7, 2017 at 9:33 am #156844AnonymousGuestDear Sophie:
No need to apologize for posting on your thread- you are welcome, anytime! It is not burdensome for me.
It is impossible to figure things out when one’s brain is “going 100 miles an hour’s 24/7” and no wonder you wrote: “my brain is fried”- when a brain goes 100 miles an hour non-stop, no wonder it fries. The good news is it is not permanently fried.
Your father told you: “you will cry a lot and you will be sad… you don’t have a crystal ball so just be calm” – the problem I have with his statement is that he is predicting the future (that you will cry a lot and be sad) on one hand, and on the other hand, he says that you cannot predict the future (not having a crystal ball). Truth is: he cannot predict the future either.
But when a parent offers a prediction to a child/ adult child, the child takes the prediction very seriously and that may not be to one’s benefit.
Regarding your boyfriend- does he know of your brain going 100 miles per hour regarding your relationship with him? Does he know the extent of your distress regarding the relationship and your conflict regarding staying vs. Traveling? If so, what is his input?
anita
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