I am working for a person whom I do not have the energy to work for.

Here’s the story – no one ever gets praised, when someone did achieve something, made a big breaktrough within our own system, has done an otherwise mindblowingly great job – it gets shrugged off and taken for granted.

We are sometimes invited to supper – usually those meetings consist of this person talking about his travels or shittalking people he has had to work with or deal with.

Oh yes, he loves to gossip. Even within the office – when someone is not around, and he thinks they have underperformed or they actually have done something silly – he speaks of it loudly and angrily – everyone can listen. Evevn those who are not related to the issues at hand at all.

Near to the time when I had just started and miraculously rapidly had stepped up on the ladder (because I had some nescessary skills no one else in the office did) he took me aside for a private talk – telling me to stop hanging out with friends late night and drinking with them, because I have a “job and responsibilities” now.

Little did he know I don’t drink nor hang out late with friends. I must have wanted to say something that no-no, I don’t deal with this stuff anyway – but he doesn’t really let anyone speak anyway.

I did have sleep and health issues, though, but that wasn’t as much related to my lifestyle habbits as you’d expect.

I tried to leave that company two times – first time was after I was done paying my student loan and was thinking I can find something else to do or take a break to deal with my artsy stuff. He called me into a meeting with a person who is responsible for the HR, who, just before in a meeting with me privately snarked at me pretty bad that I’m irresponsible and whatnot – well, they sit me down and the big boss starts saying shit like “no one else is going to want you. we’re the best company for you.”

A year later I broke up with a guy and basically was left on the street – I was planning to go back to my hometown to live with my dad and that would have solved the problem for me – but when I handed in the letter – funny enough, only then they considered to offer me a raise, just enough to pay the rent.

A year or more later my sleep problems, also anxiety and depression got so bad that I started underperforming at work. Once again I was pulled aside – and where I had hoped to actually get some help, I got a long useless lecture about “loneliness”.
When I asked him to stop as his speech isn’t really helping, and also reminded to him what he said to me about drinking-and-friends – he denied he ever said anything. I argued, that yes you did say that – and then he corrected himself by saying something as heartless as “can’t you take a joke?”

I went on a sick-leave for two weeks and they didn’t even let me rest. Him and the HR person called me so he can tell me something about “yeah I had a girlfriend who commited suicide,” and whatnot. Okay.

I am doing in that company for them something that no one else can – and if they had to hire a new specific person for it, they will not find a “real professional” unless they are willing to pay way more for her.

The last time we had a salary-talk he told me that he can’t pay me more and the only way I can get an increase is if I get a driving liscence – this way they can pay off the books I guess.

This person is so impulsive and emotionally unstable that just being around the office when he is around is just disgusting. Now I know it is up to myself to feel disgusted about someone or not – but working for a person who loves to take credit, loves to shift the blame, loves to shittalk competitors and PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR HIM, apparently also prefers to micromanage everything he can – and not because he would enjoy doing those things that he has handed for other people do – but because he… I’m not sure if he doesn’t trust or just wants to make sure that everybody knows that HE was responsible for the good work done… SO he can take credit if something did go trough or not.

Now – this non-fitting personality would be a legit reason to change jobs for me – I don’t mind that I have reached a ceiling with salary – and I completely do NOT mind the tasks and achievements I do at that work.

Problem 1: I don’t earn enough to put ANYTHING aside each month to have a sort of a transitional period.

Because Problem 2: If I were to seek a job and go to interviews during the time I work there – they would know and I suspect more mindgames would be in order for me.

And for problem 3: Other companies 100% ask why I want to change a job or why I left the last one – now, when I am honest with them and tell that I did not cope well with the personality of that former boss – it will look like I am some irresponsible kid who can’t handle stress – and cmon, every job advertisement wants us to handle stress, even though I suspect that handling narcissist superiors without wanting to blow your own brains out every morning isn’t what they mean.
I can’t just go ahead and tell that this office and people who run it are toxic morons and manipulators – as it would look like I’m playing a poor victim.

I am SO tired of this person and I do not know how to get out of this without having to involve any of my friends into the loop or my dad. Somehow I don’t even have faith in finding a better job with more grown up people running the show either and that’s where I feel the risk of losing all that I “have” dominates over the possibility of ending up with something different.

What should I be thinking?
What should I be getting better at?
Is there anything else I could do?