Hi Paula
Your husband is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for his actions. Clearly, he is unable to do this, which is why he is taking it out on you. He must be in a pretty bad place, mentally and emotionally, and maybe he finds his thoughts and feelings difficult to deal with on his own, but the bottom line is, he must. However much you feel for him, you know he has to work it out for himself. Sadly, some men never do (and women). They carry the anger and the hurt around with them forever, repeating the same mistakes in future relationships.
If he wants to continue a relationship with you, and you feel the same, then tell him he needs to get professional help, and that you will support him (that’s if you want to!).
If he does not want to continue in a relationship with you, then I would suggest you take a step back, keep your distance, and maybe think about the divorce at a time when you are not feeling so emotionally close to it all.
If he was an active alcoholic at the beginning, then this tells you he had some serious problems, which unfortunately you would never be able to resolve for him, not with all the love and care in the world. I suspect he had become dependent on you, and now feels very insecure and is acting like the frightened child. It is tough, because the more you see him suffer, the more you want to help him. I think, in your heart, you know what is right, it’s just that you need the confidence to do it.
All the best.x

Hi Paula, thank you for sharing your issue. I have some experience in this area and can attest that it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. In my case, what has been the most helpful is actually creating an internal shift. I used to take everything that was said and done very personally – it’s is hard not to. But in the end, I learned that all of the tactics used were just a form of crazy-making (I learned about this in the books by Patricia Evans – http://www.patriciaevans.com/), designed to keep me confused and paralyzed. Although I spent some time learning about issues of abuse, addiction, etc. etc… in the end I learned that whatever the person says or does is THEIR stuff. They may project it onto me, and I may have carried it for them for a long time, but even after many years, it’s not too late for me to realize it was HIS STUFF all along! Not mine. Bam! – FREEDOM! Making that internal shift was such a breakthrough for me. Since then, I have learned the second most important step: FORGIVE MYSELF! See, all along I was carrying this pain, shame and guilt that this person projected onto me… there it was in my subconscious, just piling up. I no longer had room for me, in my own being! It was all being taken up by that person’s stuff. So I’ve been actively sitting in meditation and literally envisioning myself breathe in/insert shovel under stuff – breathe out/shovel the stuff out of my head. I’ve just been envisioning myself doing that clean up lately. And just tuning into myself with love and forgiveness. This entire time I’ve been under the faulty assumption that any of this has anything to do with me. The clarity of realizing that’s not the case has been absolutely freeing and transformative. I agree with the above comment to give yourself some space from the situation and your heart will open up with a clear answer. Blessings!

Paula,

I agree with the beautiful and heartfelt words from the others in the thread. I dearly hope you strongly consider Alanon or other codependency recovery programs especially… Pia Mellody has some wonderful books as well, step by step, very practical. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

You have such a good heart, and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. Consider that as you leave him, he will hopefully stop blaming you for his issues and finally grow. One of my teachers said that addicts stop growing/maturing when they fall into the addiction cycle, and if they get connected to a caregiver, they may never learn to stand. This blame he tosses at you is just like a temper tantrum kids have when they don’t get their way. Consider how much mental energy is spent on this man, and how little he does with it. Said differently, most of your post is about him, his actions, his words. What about you? Where are you? How do you feel? What are you seeing?

Consider that you’ve spent a lot of time on his side of the street in your relationship, and are still trying to figure out his side of things. There’s no need. Yes its a mess over there. No, you’re not in any condition to help skillfully. That’s enough. You have kids and yourself to worry about, to care for. He isn’t your task, dear sister, and it will only be when he confronts the ickyness inside him that he will heal. And it will only be when you stop taking the blame that he will see himself. Said differently, when you get sucked into his whirlwinds of ick, your presence only makes it worse for both of you. Its not only OK for you to let go and find your own path, it is actually the way to honor your love for him the most skillfully. I don’t mean this as fact, its only opinion from what I see.

And i do mean this with a deep and humble respect for your love and compassion. Its takes a very special food to reach the twisted knots within an addict, and quite often instead they latch on to givers, who sacrifice their own well being in the name of “helping” or “peace”. When we figure out our own feelings, desires and needs… that’s when the light of joy will flow through and around us, which is far better than playing his games… better for you, for him, for the kids and so forth. Namaste, may you find your love and light.

With warmth,
Matt