Hi Adrian,

I empathize with much of your description. Though I may not tap into exactly what you need, I’m going to go ahead and offer up my personal solutions to dealing with somewhat constant emotional distress.

First of all, I think it’s important to develop steps to deal with your intense flare-up emotions with your close ones *when you are calm and collected*, as once you are in the swings, it is definitely too late for clear thinking. For example, to explain to “Joe” that when you feel a certain boiling happening in your blood, that the conversation should probably stop right there and then, and that you’ll deal with that by, maybe, simply walking away. You might not be able to say anything – perhaps you could have a ‘safe’ word, like ‘gone’ or ‘break’, that signals your departure from the situation. In that moment when you’ve evacuated yourself from the stressful situation, you can use deep breathing, repetition of calming mantras and imaginative imagery to reach a calmer plain, from which position you will likely be able to make more rational choices with regard to what you say about yourself, your man, and the relationship. I have learned these techniques from yoga, intros by friends (and internet) to meditation, and sleep counseling as a kid – – the man got me to curl up in his office cushioned chair, and close my eyes.

The first image: imagine a whiteboard, covered in black marker scrawl. Just covered, a total mess, no sense of it at all – a reflection of your mind, your emotions, the busyness of your day, just a bloody mess. Really envision that messy whiteboard. Then imagine that you take a large whiteboard eraser, and you start at the left side and smooth it all away, leaving the board clean as clouds. If it’s a particularly hard day, and I am particularly anxious, it could take me many times to get to a clean whiteboard. But I always get there. After this, I use a second image to fall asleep… Imagine a vista, a place, that brings you total calm, peace and relaxation. Better yet, if it’s a place you’ve been to or have seen explicitly – an image you already have in your memory. Mine is the coast of Ireland, where the land is plateau until it hits the rough coast. The land is quite green, and far below. Imagine a little magic flying carpet, it’s floating there and you hop on – you’re in the sky and you go gliding in and out of the clouds, which feel clear and cold but comforting in the light wind. I look down and see my coast below. I can’t really recall one time that I haven’t woken up in the AM after having fallen right asleep after this process. It really works wonders for me – to focus and calm my mind. It’s not easy always, you have to be TOUGH on yourself, to not let your mind go wandering to other ideas that want to insert themselves. Don’t let them..

I have practiced yoga since I was 18 or so. I am currently 25, and only in the last 2 years or so have I started to really take yoga home with me. It was always class-only, hot yoga-only. But after a few years (and I’m sure the adjustment is different for everybody), I now do yoga movements on my own time, alone: on a mat or not, in my living room, or in the forest after/before a run, at waking to open my spine (it can get SO stiff), in the afternoon to get some knots out of my back. at night to relax my mind before bed. If you get into yoga, go to classes to get into the flow and learn the basics with good technique so you don’t overdo it. When I go to yoga classes, I focus on my process – I make sure I am fully engaged the entirety of the class, and if I need to cry, I let that happen. It’s not about anybody else. No one else matters in that room, but at the same time, you are breathing with everyone together and that can feel really empowering.

It’s important to discipline your mind – to decide when you will think about something and when not. Yoga teaches you the discipline that you will use for so many other things in your life. Obviously, other sports can do this too. I started rock climbing two years ago – and apart from my body type, I don’t think many people would have predicted that I was going to get into this – but I f&#*ing LOVE it. The best thing about going to the gym when I’m having a hard time – and this is especially true if you have a climbing partner or you know folks at the gym – is that once you’re in there and on a climb (bouldering, if you’re scared of heights), that is all that exists. Your mind slows, your focus switches immediately – the physical realm of the gym is the reality you are faced with and I’ve got to face it, right there and then, no excuses. I’ve talked with other climbers about this, and *so* many people are on the same page with me. Hours later, I leave the gym and realize with an incredibly satisfied sigh that I hadn’t thought about any of the bullshit for that entire time. So so so rewarding… Also, rock climbing along with yoga share that importance of breath. I can’t stress enough how important it is. I know it sounds so new age guru etc. etc. but if you can control your breath, you can control your mind.

Anxiety attacks for me – breath is one of the first things to go, to the point that I’ll be hyperventilating. If you can just try, just just just enough, just take that little itty bitty step to get some cooling imagery in your head, and to inhale 6 counts, hold for a millisecond, exhale 6 counts, hold out for a millisecond, and continue. You’ll find that your quickened pulse will drop, your face will feel less flush, the pressure and tightness in your neck and back will loosen. You are manipulating your body into a calm state with this breath technique – as generally we only breathe this deeply when we are very, very relaxed, like during sleep. To share an anecdote: I have difficulty having blood taken – it’s a panicky situation for me, a physiological reaction that I cannot rationalize my way out of… So I go in to the clinic and as soon as she is calling me in, I can feel my pulse quicken, my whole body start to sweat, my breath quicken… I start yapping to the nurse about being kind to me, trying to make sure she doesn’t give me a painful needle… It’s not really helping me calm down, it’s nervous talking – a symptom of my physiological state. And all of a sudden, right as she’s pumping my vein for the needle, I decide to go into deep breathing – the 6 in, 6 out. I pluuuuunge into it, and I use that breathing during the whole process, and man! Did it ever work! I was flabbergasted at its efficacy, as I’d never used it in that scenario before.

These are some of the principal ways I deal with my stress/anxiety/life boredom/depression/hopelessness. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to even get out of bed, but those days don’t usually last too long, and if you find yourself with an opportune moment to take a small step, make it. Hell, make that opportune moment happen yourself! If you hear about a gym/center/park, or that someone is going that you know, don’t think about it, don’t consider the whys and the hows. Just take a very small step: try it. No judgment, no one else cares, because they’ve got their own shit they’re dealing with. It’s all you – and there’s no reason to hesitate, at all. No risk, at all. JUST the risk and sometimes strange fear to get better, be better – as it flips everything upside down, but for the better….

Obviously I am not completely healed, but I honestly can say that it has changed my life and outlook. These activities are coping mechanisms – for immediate relief – but are also preventative, as long as you keep up with them. The hardest step is that first little one, because it means you’re making moves and you care about getting better. Once you get the ball rolling, it’s easier to keep just touching the ball a little each day to make sure it doesn’t lag. I have thought long and hard about why I am the way I am, why I react the way I do – I’m sure you have, too. Sometimes there are huge circumstantial factors that are really hard to avoid that contribute directly to the emotional toil. Try to be aware of them but not obsessing or emotionally engaging with them. I live with my sister (at home with my parents) right now, as we’re both jobless and in transition, and I gotta say, it’s a daily grind dealing with that. After years of smoking cigarettes and cannabis, and now two years of having identified how they are negatively affecting my life, they are getting cut down and out. I used to use both to help deal with anxiety, when in actuality, one+ cigarettes gives me chest pain that leads to increased anxiety, and pot contributes to a lifelong state of apathy, undermining my own desire to achieve goals and be a smart, articulate person. Identifying these triggers disguised as coping mechanisms and stressors takes some of the stigma out of being so afflicted by our emotions – you realize that it makes sense, it’s not coming out of nowhere, there is a pattern. And patterns can be worked with.

I may have gone on a bit about my own process, but it’s in the hope to illustrate how useful these strategies can be for dealing with real problems. Exercise is how we use our body to restore equilibrium. The body supports the mind – let it serve you.

I hope this was helpful. Christ, I could go on and on. Good luck, take care of yourself. 🙂

Hello. I have been suffering from the same problems you described for almost the past year. I was always pretty normal and carefree before that, but several things happened to me which changed everything, the biggest thing was getting my heart broken, and then there were several other things. I didnt know what to do, but I can tell you what I’m doing now which is helping me a lot.

I have always been into fitness, and several times through out my life I had a “rock hard” noticable body, but in the past year I lost that. I worked out, but my muscle was covered by fat, so I couldnt wear the kinds of clothes to show off my bod because otherwise my gut would also stick out. So for the past 3 months I have been eating really strict, clean foods, working out with the heavy weights, and doing LOTs of cardio. My body looks much better, and I get confidence from that. There arent many people I know who can run for very long distances, do intense cardio while also being able to bench, and squat a lot more than their body weight.

The other thing is, I started reading a lot of ‘self help’ books, but I cant ever seem to get into them. Then I came across Bryan Tracy, and he is awesome. I just wished I discovered this man’s work at the beginning of my spiralling collapse into anxiety/depression, but better late than never. In a nutshell, he encourages how setting high goals leads to improved self confidence. I have some huge goals I need to complete this year, and I keep listening to bryan tracy’s voice (I bought his audio-book on self confidence) to encourage me not to give up.

Third, I discovered this lady who has been featured on Tiny Bhudda named Bernadette Logue from pinchmeliving.com. She has this free audio on her website about 400 positive affirmations which she says. I listen to this audio on my ipod while I am sleeping. Her voice in my head literally blocks out the negative thoughts I create myself.

I’d also like to thank my parents for being very supportive. They saw me in my most depressed state, and didnt give up on me when I gave up on myself.

Sometimes the negative thoughts come back into my head, but the frequency is much less than before.

Not sure if anyone is still looking at this thread, but I just wanted to ask for some more advice. I just posted for my first time on here about my situation, but Drian–what you describe is exactly what I encountered in my relationship. The difference is that my boyfriend finally left me a week ago because of all the negativity I was bringing to his life. I am in therapy now but I can’t help but feel like I need to get him back somehow. I feel like I sabotaged my own relationship. Everything you said about your toxic thoughts/habits..they ruined my relationship and now I feel like I will never get it back. I hate that I put someone so wonderful and patient through such hell. Any words of advice?